by S. E. Hall
Just like when I was a young girl, my father twirls me out then draws me back into his arms. I smile for him, always daddy's little girl, but the thought of Brady out there somewhere with that…my lip trembles.
My head rests against my father's shoulder as I blink back tears.
"You look beautiful tonight, baby girl."
"Thank you, Daddy." I swallow past the knot in my throat. "Can you believe it? Dyl's really doing it."
"Yeah, we always knew he'd find his way, just like you did."
"Right." My way? Had I found it? Sure doesn't feel like it.
"Is something wrong?" He pulls his head back and I lift mine, his lowered brows pressing me to talk.
"I'm just a little lost right now, that's all," I confess, shuffling my feet, constantly glancing to the infuriating door Brady has yet to reenter.
"Is this about Brady?"
My breath catches and I shake my head with adamant denial. "No, Brady and I are fine." My lie is smooth.
"Good." He looks relieved but it doesn't last. "You'd tell us if there was something wrong, right?" he asks, twirling me out again.
"Yeah, of course."
He's staring down at me as though he's waiting for something, for me to spill some big secret. What exactly does he know? Did Brady talk to Dylan? Or someone else? It's a small town, after all. I'm not sure what to say.
"Addison, honey, it's none of my business and you'd probably prefer to talk to your mother about it but…" His voice lowers and a hint of a blush creeps over his cheeks, one that I haven't seen since he attempted the birds and the bees talk when I was fourteen. "There's been some talk around town and I'm worried."
"Talk? About what?" The song winds down and I step out of his arms, suddenly apprehensive at the way his face tightens with worry. Dad's always loved Brady like a son; I know he'd be thrilled for us to get together and wouldn't understand my refusal. My head's a wreck, forming a drawn out explanation why Brady and I are better as friends.
"That you've been to doctor's office a lot lately. If there's something you need to tell us, please, we're here for you. Whatever it is, we'll get through it."
Get through it? Get through what? Then it hits me. He thinks I'm sick. It has nothing to do with Brady. It's about all my appointments.
I laugh, almost manically so, until his worry turns into horror at my outburst. It's official—my life can get no worse.
"Addison!" my mother calls out, stepping beside us.
"Mom, hi." I embrace her, shushing my chuckle.
"I told you not to say anything to her tonight," she chastises my father in a whisper.
"If my daughter's sick I want to know it!" he retorts.
They lock eyes, a discussion with no words being held between them. I've seen it before; they rarely fight, just exchange looks that put issues to rest, but tonight it baffles me.
"When you're ready to talk to us, we'll be there to listen," my mother says to me.
My father wraps an arm around her waist and kisses her hair; I have to smother a sigh at their easy comfort with each other.
"How do you do it?" I ask. I've never questioned their relationship before, but I need to understand why some people have it so easy.
"Do what, honey?" my father asks.
"You never fight. You're always affectionate, still stealing kisses after all these years. How do you do it? How does it work so well for you?" But not me I want to add but don't.
"That's simple," my mother starts then looks up to my father to finish.
"I married my best friend," he says.
My mother snuggles him closer, nodding her head.
Best friends. I swallow hard, a tight smile forming to appease them, but it's filled with sadness and before I can help it, my chin starts quivering, my eyes prickling with tears.
My head bounces in understanding. "I need some air. Excuse me." I back away and turn quickly, pushing through the guests littering the dance floor searching for an escape.
My mother's voice calls my name but I don't stop, rushing my steps, shouldering people aside until I realize there's only one escape and I refuse to run into Brady macking on some bimbo. I can't handle it.
Darting my head back and forth, I'm granted a moment of mercy when I spot an exit sign glaring along the back wall. I nearly sprint toward it as imagines of Brady kissing her, sliding his hands under that skimpy dress riddle my flustered mind. I tug at my necklace, now choking me, suffocating me. I desperately need air.
It's not just Brady I picture, but Dr. Reynolds now too, groping her in his office, spreading her legs in his stirrups. She's probably his patient, after all. It's all some bad joke.
I knock over a poor waiter, champagne flutes flying off his tray and shattering on the ground, spraying guests with the bubbling liquid. A quick "sorry" is all I can offer, though. I'm too close to freedom to stop.
I spot Ashley beside my brother, laughing at something he's saying. She's a sweet girl; I feel bad that she fell for Brady's charm. I wonder if she spent any time looking for him when she came out of the ladies' room. Brady's a jerk, I'm a jerk and this whole mess is deserved.
My palms slam open the doors and I suck in a deep lungful of cool night air. I'm standing on a gated alcove covered with a massive awning overhead with no guests around, nothing but one dying light hanging down. I welcome the darkness. It suits my mood.
Clawing at the back of my neck, unable to remove my damn necklace, my sobs begin to spill out. "Dammit!"
"Shh." A gentle voice caresses my back as do strong hands that move mine away to easily unclasp the jewelry. It's Brady that steps around me and places it in my hand, but I already knew at first touch that it was him.
"That was quick!" I snarl, stumbling back, swiping angrily at my damn tears. "Where'd you fuck her? In the parking lot?" My laugh is harsh, cruel even to my own ears. With a sinister sneer, I step back into him. "You're such a goddamn prick!"
"Is that so?" His voice is steady, indifferent. Nothing but a cool façade, albeit his glittering eyes that sheen with something else.
"Yes! Yes, it is so. Why even bring a date if you were going to screw around, huh? You just don't care who you hurt!"
His arms fly out to the sides, teeth bearing with his roar. "Oh, I care! I care too damn much! It's you that's heartless."
I recoil at his tone. "Heartless?" I breathe.
When he takes a step closer, the dim light highlights the sharpness of his tense features. "I didn't bring a date tonight. I asked the only girl I wanted here with me and she turned me down. Like she always does."
I shake my head. "No, no you brought Ashley. You wanted to make me jealous and—"
"And it did," he finishes.
My head shakes violently this time. "I was just angry that you were ignoring me. Not jealous. We're friends, Brady. I want to see you happy. If Ashley makes you—"
"She's not my fucking date!" He grabs my forearms as if to shake me but holds me firmly in place. "Do you hear me? She's here with Dylan."
"What?!"
His grip tightens and I can't ignore the way his fingers press into my chilled flesh. "If you got out of your own fucking head, you'd see that Dylan's crazy about her. She was never anything but a friend and if you knew me like you think you do then you'd know that."
"She's beautiful…smart."
"No comparison. You're everything, Moe." His head dips, mouth skimming my ear. "Come home with me."
I inhale his scent, my hands clinging to his jacket, when I'm hit with the smell of cheap peaches, his dance partner's perfume who he just—
I shove him away. "Get off me. Let go!"
He does so immediately, his voice and expression arctic. "No more excuses!"
"Excuses? You just screwed some nobody just to piss me off! You really think I'd want anything to do with you after that?"
Brady's noticeably affected, his hands clenched at his sides, nerve in his clenched jaw twitching. He looks past me with an anguished sigh. "Expla
in to me what you really want. Please. Just some trashy affair with your doctor?"
"Don't!" My voice squeaks, no idea what more to say, how to explain what I feel in Dr. Reynolds' office. But I know it isn't fair to Brady. He wants more, needs more, and I can't give it.
"What? You think you can go in that office whenever you have an itch and no one will be affected? No one will gossip? This is a small town, Moe."
"I'm not talking about it." I can't. It was just fun. Dr. Reynolds allowed me to live a fantasy, one that I refuse to regret.
"Fine, then answer me one question, and I'll walk away. You won't have to worry about dealing with me again."
The thought of him leaving damn near breaks me, but I hold firm.
He stands in front of me, wary vulnerability in his eyes. "Tell me the truth. Tell me why, despite our attraction for each other, you won't let us be happy. Because, babe, I would do anything for you. I'd make you the happiest woman alive if you'd let me." His hand moves to my cheek, thumb brushing over my trembling bottom lip. "Tell me why you're pushing me away."
I close my eyes, unable to look at him as I answer. "Because I need my best friend and if we don't work out, I can't risk losing you forever."
Eyes still shut, his hand drops away and I feel him move back. "It's too late. You've already lost me."
I open my eyes, watching him start through the side gate. He doesn't look back, but I hear him clearly. "And if you really think I slept with that girl, you never knew me at all."
There's nothing for me to say. I stand there, tears spilling out, arms crossed over my chest, holding myself together while I watch him walk further into the darkness.
My chest constricts, something shattering deep inside at the thought of never seeing Brady again, of never laughing or joking with him, never holding him close. I lose myself in the grief, sinking down to the ground where I deserve to be. I screwed up. I lost the only man I can't bear to live without.
Chapter 16
Everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame, right?
Well, mine are up. For a brief blip of time I'd felt special, amazing, alive…and just as quickly, it's over.
I sold my soul to the devil—the snarling beast awakened inside me—for a few visits with a "happy ending." Now I'm left a shell of myself. An empty, hollow ache in my chest, rats in my hair, and stains on my three day old pajamas.
After the fifth time I was told, "His schedule is full," I quit trying to make an appointment with Dr. Reynolds.
After the seventh failed rendezvous with my almost forgotten little blue friend, I threw it away.
And Brady…
I miss him like fat kids—which I'll soon be if I don't snap out of this funk—miss cake. Speaking of cake… I rouse my dumpy, frumpy self off the couch, pausing my Will and Grace DVD, to shuffle into the kitchen.
Knowing I'll regret it later, I plunge my fork into what's left of my beloved turtle cheesecake. My eyes close, delighting in the cool and creamy sweetness.
Brady hates caramel, so I always make sure I have one with cherry topping for him…
Stop it!
Slamming the licked clean fork down on the counter, sick of myself, I almost don't pick out the knock on my door from the sound of my own admonishment. Another knock echoes and I twist back to stare at the door, painfully aware I'm in no way ready to greet visitors. One look around the room says my home isn't either.
I wonder if I can hire Kathy to at least pull my apartment back together when my pity party ends.
Smoothing my tousled hair, I duck to catch my reflection in the small mirror by the door. Oh hell! I grab a baseball cap from the rack and as I'm about to shove it on to cover my mess, I stop. It's Brady's cap. He must have left it here…God knows when.
My fingers run over the brim and before I can stop myself, I fling it across the room and grab a thick wool cap instead. Who cares if I look like an escaped mental patient? I'm feeling a little mental.
One more peek in the mirror, wiping my face, I open the door.
There's nobody there. I poke my head further out, looking left then right and nothing. Thank God. I'd gear up to scream at the neighborhood kids for ding-dong ditching if there wasn't an enormous box at my feet.
I didn't order anything, let alone something in a box bigger than me! With a series of grunts and shoves, I finally manage to maneuver the monstrosity inside and rip into it. When that gets me nowhere, I run to the kitchen and grab the scissors, then try again.
I cut the last strap and fall back at the same time the box flies open, revealing the one thing I can't bear.
Holy—I am a piece of—shit.
There on my floor, wrapped in thin foam paper, is the outline of a surfboard. Crawling over, I pull away the packaging and run my fingers over the smooth polished wood with a pink hue, my favorite color. At the top right side is a huge white lily, my middle name, under that "My Moe" in fancy black script.
I glance up at the hook where my keys hang. The keychain he brought me from California, a hint I never realized. He had a surfboard made for me.
Fighting back the tears, I prop the unbelievable gift against the wall, making room to clean up the box mess when I spot the card taped to the bottom side.
My hands tremble as I open it, the gravity hitting me full force—these will be the only words I've heard from Brady in over a week.
Can't wait to get you on the water with me!
Love always,
Brady
The floodgates burst wide open and fat crocodile tears roll down my cheeks, a bittersweet mixture of happiness, love, regret and loneliness. I leap up from the mushy puddle I've become on the floor and grab my phone.
I don't hesitate, my fingers typing in a flurry of anxiousness.
Me: I got the surfboard. Thank u so much! I love it! When can we go?
Each minute that ticks by without a response cuts a little deeper into my soul and I sink down into the couch. He ordered it before everything went to shit, but now it's here, and I pray it serves as a reminder to us both of what we are and how badly we need to get back there.
Finally my phone dings, just as I was beginning to think I really had lost him forever. Hope, that amazing, beautiful swell of my heart, brings a smile to my lips.
Brady: I'm glad u like it. You're welcome. Find someone to enjoy it with.
The phone drops from my fingers. I don't want to learn to surf with "someone." I want to go with the wonderful man, my friend, who bought it for me! The longer I sit staring at my knees tucked up against my chest, the angrier I grow. At the situation, at myself, at Brady for being so damn stubborn.
I snatch the phone back up and pound the keys.
Me: If u didn't want to take me why'd u buy it?
This time he answers back right away. I know him, despite what he thinks, I do! He was just waiting, fingers poised, itching for a comeback.
Brady: Things change. U called the shots. GTG.
I throw out my leg and kick the coffee table in anger. Eerrr, that impossible man! Wincing, I cradle my foot, my head hanging back. At least the physical pain matches the emotional now.
Is this worth it? Suppose Brady and I did try "more" and it doesn't work out? The backlash couldn't possibly be worse than this, right?
Too frustrated to think about it any longer, I hit play, resuming my show. I'm slumped even further down in the couch, arms crossed, my toe throbbing, when the bantering on screen catches my full attention—that's it!
Brilliant. Thank you, sitcom gods, for the enlightenment.
Determination sets in, my mind made up. I know what I have to do.
When the nurse shuts the door behind me—thank heavens she doesn't work in the ER, clearly not quick on the uptake—I pull out my compact, checking my disguise one last time.
Wig in place. Check.
Big, black sunglasses. Check.
And now, I wait.
Shortly after, a quick knock raps on the door.
"Come in," I sa
y in my new covert voice. It's a high-pitched mousy tone, but it works. I think so, anyway.
I'm on the table, fully dressed, when Dr. Reynolds steps in, usual devastating smile in place, spoiled by the dark circles under his sullen eyes, a scruffy jawline and wrinkled shirt.
He looks as hellish and out of sorts as I feel and a glimmer of hopefulness moves through me. Has he been miserable too?
"Good afternoon Miss, uh…" He consults his chart once more, then ever so slowly looks up at me. A smirk hints at his luscious mouth, a slight twinkle building in those sad eyes. "Ms. Beaverhousen, is it?"
"Yes, that's right. Thank you for seeing me," I say in my fake voice then move in for the kill. "A friend of mine, Addison Porter, said she called several times and couldn't get in, so I was surprised how easy it was for me."
"I can't discuss other patients, I'm sorry. So tell me, Ms. Beaverhousen, what can I do for you today?"
We face off, both crossing our arms defensively across our chests, waiting in tense silence for the other to cave.
Mentally, I'd been fully prepared to march in here in raging bitch mode and tell him off for ignoring me. But now that he's in front of me, looking as distraught and devastated as I've been, my heart makes other plans.
Unable to wait another minute, I pull off my sunglasses and wig, offering a sheepish grin. "Hey."
He feigns shock, clutching his chest dramatically. "Addison! It's you!"
"Oh, stop, I know you knew." My voice drops, shaking with vulnerability. "Why wouldn't you see me?"
He sits the chart down and tilts his head. "You know why."
I nod. I do know why, but held out hope he'd take my sudden appearance in his office with a bit less annoyance. Senseless or not, I'd longed for him to grab snatch me up, hold me in his arms, and tell me everything would be alright. But he says nothing else, defiant in his stance, eyes cold and hard, pinning me in place.
"I miss you," I choke out in a pleading whisper.
With only one step closer, still too far away, he sighs and runs a hand down his face. "I miss you too."
My head pops up, optimism piquing, a smile about to emerge, when he cuts it short.
"But not enough to continue with silly, unprofessional escapades that cheapen what I want with you."