by Sophie Stern
I’ve lost so much over my lifetime and now it seems as though I’m losing everything all over again. In reality, the only thing I’m losing is the idea of who I thought he was.
“You okay?” Jared asks me after our literature class. I look over at Emilia when he speaks. She’s back at school today. I have no idea why she didn’t come yesterday. Well, that’s a lie. I know exactly why she didn’t come.
She didn’t want to look at me.
Even now, she keeps her head ducked and her eyes carefully turned away from mine. She doesn’t want to meet my gaze and I don’t really blame her at all. Emilia has been through a lot. She’s gone through the same situation in me, as fact, but I know something that she doesn’t know.
And I don’t know if I should tell her.
In Emilia’s mind, her father is the hero of the story and mine is the villain. Perhaps it should stay that way. Maybe the two of them should just rest in peace. I don’t need to be the one who digs up the past because when it comes to dealing with family, things are never easy.
And our situation?
It’s messy, through-and-through.
“I’m fine,” I say curtly, and Jared makes a little noise. His gaze follows mine and he sees that I’m staring at Emilia.
“Is this going to be a problem?” He asks.
“What?”
“This little obsession you have.”
“Nope. No problem.”
“Really? Because the game’s tomorrow, man, and we need you.”
“I’ll be there,” I say, tearing my eyes away from her. I look back at Jared, and his gaze is dark, menacing. I rarely see him look this way and to be honest, it makes me really uncomfortable.
“You’d better be,” he grumbles.
“Hey, I said I’d fucking be there. Let it go.”
Emilia gathers her things and leaves the classroom. I want to catch up with her so I can talk to her. There’s a lot I have to say about, well, everything, but Jared grabs my shoulder. I turn around, pissed that he’s holding me back, and I see something else on his face.
Concern.
He’s worried about me.
WHEN I FIND EMILIA at lunch, she's sitting with her two friends: Karen and Adalee. Both girls are generally well-mannered. They both get good grades and they're serious about school.
Adalee is kind of intense and Karen has a mean streak, but then again, I guess we all sort of do.
Her friends look up when I approach, but Emilia keeps her head down. Her entire body tenses, though. She can tell it's me. She knows I'm close.
"I need to talk to you," I say without preamble. Why make her wait any longer?
"I don't have anything to say to you," she says. I hear a thud, and she glares at Adalee. "Ow!" She says. "That hurt!"
"Did you just kick her?" I ask Adalee.
The girl just shrugs.
Strange.
Who would have thought I'd have an ally in Adalee? I definitely never would have thought so.
"I'm a little busy," she says. "Can we meet after class?"
"I have practice," I say. "But I can come by after."
"Fine," she says.
"It's a date."
I turn and walk away before she can argue with me or my statement. It's definitely a date. She'll call it what she wants, but I stand by what I said. Now I just have to make it through the next few hours until I see her.
"GET YOUR HEAD IN THE game, man."
Timothy finds me in the locker room after practice. I'm standing in the showers, letting the water fall down over me. I know that he's right, but he's forgetting who the top dog is around here, and I shove him away.
"Stay the fuck out of my shower."
He ignores me and comes right back.
"What are you doing? You're thinking about that girl, aren't you?"
"Leave me alone."
"You're going to lose us the fucking game if you don't get it together. You missed two easy passes that you could have handled with ease if you'd just been paying attention."
"I said, get away from me," I grit out.
He needs to leave.
I'm so not in the mood for his crap today. I'm not in the mood for anything from anyone. I'm still reeling from the information my mom gave me and what I want right now is to find Emilia and just spill my damn guts. I can't do that, though, because Timothy is invading my space. A few other guys from the team appear, but unlike my "friend," they're staying back out of punching distance.
Smart guys.
"She's just a stupid girl," he continues. "I don't see what your weird obsession is. I mean, so your dads both died. Who cares?"
"Timothy..." I'm gritting my teeth, trying my best to hold back I do not want to punch this asshole in the face, but I'll do it. He takes another step forward, and I know what's coming next. He's going to call her a name, and I swear that'll be the end of it. He's going to say he hates her and that she's an idiot or a slut or something like that.
If he does that, then it’s over between us, and I’ll start a fight right here and now.
Neither one of us wants that because it’ll basically be career suicide. If the two of us start fighting, we’re going to be out of the game tomorrow, and the team needs us. Hell, the whole school needs us. It’s down to the wire and if we don’t get it together, like, now, then it’s all over.
Everything we’ve worked for will be for nothing.
“Let it go man,” Jared pushes his way to the front of the crowd and stands next to Timothy. “It’s not worth getting benched.”
“He started it,” Timothy says.
I ball my fists. I’m naked in the fucking showers and the entire team has gathered around to flip me shit. All they want to do is harass me and make me fit into some mold of what they want. I’ve been an asshole for a long time. I should have realized that falling for a woman wouldn’t fit into anyone’s plan of who – or what – I should be.
“More like I’m finishing it,” I say, and I turn back to my shower. I ignore them blatantly, letting them know that yeah, this is totally over. I hear voices and murmurs and eventually they leave, but I look over my shoulder to see Timothy spitting in my general direction.
Apparently, our friendship is over.
He’s not even wrong. I was distracted on the field tonight, but he’s wrong about why. I was busy thinking of my dad. I was busy thinking about all the ways I didn’t understand who he was or what he was about.
Emilia is important to me, but I wasn’t caught up about her tonight.
I am now.
I finish showering, get dressed, and leave the locker room without speaking to anyone else. I can feel their stares at I gather my shit, and I know what they’re thinking because I’ve been them. Anytime someone starts dating or gets a girlfriend or finds something that distracts them from the game, that’s it. That person is viewed as the worst kind of traitor. They’re viewed as horrible.
And now I’ve done that.
I’ve found something – someone – outside of football who makes me feel like I can fly. She makes me feel like I can be anything I want to be, even though we both know that’s not true.
I’ve blown things with Emilia. I’m crazy about her, but I’ve blown it.
I’m not under any impression that we’re going to be able to work past what’s happened between us, but I’m going to do my best to try.
And I’m starting tonight.
Chapter 13
Emilia
“WHAT DO YOU THINK HE wants to talk about?”
Karen and Adalee are in my room watching me get ready. Adalee manages to repeat her perfect magic from the day before, and I’m swept away by how I look.
“Who knows?” I shrug.
Karen chuckles.
“You’re going to give him your v-card, aren’t you?”
“What?” I blush, squeaking it out. “I’m not a virgin.”
The girls both laugh.
“When would you have had time to have sex?”
Adalee asks. “It’s not a bad thing, love. Gavin’s very handsome, and from what I’ve heard, he’s quite the giver.”
I could have told her that.
I blush as I think about how his fingers were buried inside of me. He made me come harder than I’ve ever made myself come, and the thought is kind of sobering, to be honest.
“You’ve been a busy bee,” Karen agrees.
“I’ve had sex.”
“Nope, no lies tonight,” Adalee brushes makeup on my face and starts applying some mascara. “Tonight is your sexual debut, beautiful girl, and we’re going to make it count.”
I’m nervous.
When she puts it like that, I feel like some sort of star.
It’s like tonight is the night when everything changes.
“I’m not going to have sex with him,” I say.
Karen and Adalee exchange knowing glances.
“Who are you trying to convince here?” Karen places her hand on my shoulder and she carefully considers me. “Because we’ve known for a long time how you feel about Gavin, hon.”
“What do you mean?”
“You say he’s a bully, but you always forgive him.”
“Maybe I’m a pushover.”
“You’re not,” Adalee swipes highlighter over my skin. “You’re anything but.”
“The thing about you is that you’re always looking for the best in people,” Karen adds thoughtfully. “It’s both a blessing and a curse, I’d say.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Adalee only shrugs.
“Maybe not.”
“Yep, maybe we’re just crazy for thinking a girl like you might fall head over heels for a guy like him.”
“I’m not in love,” I whisper.
“Look, whatever happens tonight, just know that we love you,” Karen says gently. “And we would never judge you.”
I look up at them and I’m shocked to see so much blatant compassion my friends’ faces. What did I do to deserve friends like them?
“He’s hurt me,” I whisper.
“We all hurt each other,” Adalee says.
“It’s part of being human,” Karen adds sadly. “Even the people we love the most hold the power to really damage us.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight,” I say.
I probably should know.
I should at least have a heads-up.
I mean, I’m going out with Gavin. Are we going to hook up? Are we going to talk? Do I want either of those things? I reacted so poorly when he made me come. I completely freaked out and it was wrong of me, but...
Nobody has ever made me feel the way Gavin makes me feel, and to be honest, that’s completely terrifying.
Nobody has the power to make me feel alive the way that he does.
“No matter what happens, you’ll be okay,” Karen says.
“And if you’re not, we’ll be here to help pick up the pieces,” Adalee murmurs.
I feel a little choked up at the realization that no matter what happens next, my friends will always be there for me.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
“Now get out there,” Karen says. She hugs me tightly and Adalee joins in. It’s a very TV-esque kind of moment, but that’s quite all right with me. These girls are practically sisters to me and none of us knows what’s going to happen next. We don’t know what’s going to happen tonight. We don’t know what’s going to occur when I walk out the door.
I mean, as far as I know, Gavin could just want to hang out so he can tell me how much I suck.
“Yeah,” I say. “Okay. I’ll go.”
They walk me out of my room and down the hall. We get down to the first floor and we walk outside together.
“Where is he?” Adalee asks. She glances at her watch. Only a girl like Adalee would wear a watch in this day and age.
“There,” I point to the parking lot. He’s parked at the back and he’s standing against his car. His feet are crossed at the ankles and his arms are crossed over his chest. Everything about him screams “not interested” and “bad boy.”
Those are two vibes he’s just never been able to shake.
Well, until now.
“Do you want us to go with you?” Karen eyes him warily.
“I’ve got this,” I say. “Thanks for everything.”
Adalee places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it gently.
“Thanks,” I say, and then I start walking. Somehow, the journey from the front door of the dormitory to the parked car seems to take forever. I’m very aware of everything: the scent of my perfume, the rustle of the tree branches, the way the leaves are falling all around me. I feel my thighs rub against each other beneath my dress. There’s a soft breeze and I wonder if I should have grabbed a jacket to cover my bare shoulders. My shoes seem to sound loudly, echoing in the parking lot, but I feel like I’m just imagining things.
I’m reading way more into this than I should.
And then I’m there.
I’m standing in front of Gavin and I’m wondering what he has to say to me.
“Emilia Riley,” he says. He looks me up and down appreciatively, and I blush. The last time he looked at me like this, his fingers were inside of me and he was rubbing me everywhere. My nipples harden as he assesses my dress, and I realize that he likes this.
“Gavin,” I say.
“Shall we go?”
He gestures to the car and I look at it. Once I make this decision, there’s no going back.
“Yes,” I finally say. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 14
Gavin
SHE'S WEARING THE TINIEST dress I've ever seen her wear and I don't know why she chose that little red number for tonight. Is she trying to tease me? Is she taunting me with what I can't have?
Or did she want to look good for me?
I have no idea, but watching her move across the parking lot was absolutely painful. My dick is hard and alert and ready, and it's taking everything I have not to just let myself go.
"Emilia Riley," I say when she's close.
"Gavin."
She doesn't use my last name. She rarely does. I don't know why. Maybe it brings up too many memories of my dad. Maybe it's just too formal for her.
"You look beautiful."
She eyes me carefully, considering me. Does she think this is some sort of trick?
"Thank you," she says.
"Shall we go?"
Emilia looks at my car like it's going to bite her.
"Where are we going? And do you have my phone?"
"Yeah," I fish it out of my pocket, along with her inhaler. She left both in my car and I didn't realize it until I was driving over today. I probably could have just walked over from the boys' dormitory, but hey, I like to make an entrance.
She takes the phone and the asthma inhaler. The inhaler she places in her purse, but the phone, she frowns at.
"It's dead."
"I mean, probably. It's been sitting in my car for two days."
"You didn't charge it?"
"I think a better question is how you survived without a phone for 48 hours," I point out.
Seriously.
If she'd told me if was missing, I would have brought it to her dorm room yesterday. I knew she wasn't really sick. At least, I hoped she wasn't. Even if she didn't want to see me, I could have left it outside of her door or something.
Emilia just shrugs and shoves it in her purse.
"Shall we go?"
"Yeah."
I open the door and she slides into the passenger seat. I walk around to the driver's side feeling nervous as hell. Once I'm in the car, I start driving, and the silence fucking kills me.
Finally, I reach out and flick on the radio. A song comes on that I know we both love. Or at least, we did five years ago.
She smiles softly.
"This was playing the night you kissed me."
"Was it? I don't remember."
&n
bsp; "That's a lie."
"Yeah," I choke out the admission. "I know."
"Gavin, where are we going?"
"Parker Point."
"You're taking me to Lover's Lane?"
"Is that what you kids are calling it these days?"
"Gavin..."
"Look, we need to talk about some things and it's best if we do it in a private place."
"Should I be nervous?" She laughs lightly.
"With me? Probably."
She reaches out and places her hand on my thigh.
"With you, I'm never scared, Gavin."
We drive in silence until we reach Parker Point. It's this beautiful overlook where you can park and watch the ocean waves. It's early evening and while this place tends to be pretty busy on the weekends, it's a Thursday night, so nobody is here.
It's only us.
I turn off the car and I turn to her.
"We need to talk."
"Yeah," she says, but she licks her lips and reaches for me. Emilia kisses me gently, but I pull away, confused.
"I thought you were mad at me," I say.
"I was."
"You were pissed that I made you come."
"No," she shakes her head. "I was pissed that I let you."
"Why? It was just an orgasm."
"No, it was a lot more than that."
I eye her carefully.
"It was your first time."
I think that she's going to lie, to deny it, but she doesn't.
"Yeah," she whispers. "It was my first time."
I'm both horrified and honored that she chose to let me be her first for that.
"Emilia..."
"It's okay," she says. "I know it didn't mean anything."
"And how do you know that?" I snap.
"Because it's you, Gavin, okay? I know what you think about me."
"And what do I think?"
"You think I'm the loser whose dad put yours away. You think I'm a bad person. You think I'm tarnished by my family legacy and that-"
But I cut her off with a kiss because none of those things are true.
I could never think poorly of her. Not Emilia.
She sucks in a breath, but I just keep kissing her and this time, I don't stop. This time, I pull down the straps of her tiny dress and her perky little breasts pop free. She gasps as I reach for one, running my hand over it. Then I move to the other.