by Leah Matheny
"Dani, you seem like a very intelligent young woman," Sitala said, taking hold of my hands. "You also seem to be blocking out the fact that you can never leave. You will spend the rest of your life here."
Panic rose instantly, and I stood up and started walking backwards. "No…you can't do this to me. I have a job I have to get back to, I have friends, I…I have a life!" I had to get out of there. My head started to spin. "What?" I began walking toward the opening, but it was changing shapes. "The tea…"
Kosumi walked in and reached for me. "No," I whimpered, right before I passed out.
A terrible headache forced me awake, and when I rolled over I groaned at the pain. "Oh, what happened?" I mumbled.
"Dani, it's Kosumi. Look at me."
"My head…what happened?"
Kosumi was sitting down beside me. "Here, drink this, it should help your headache." He helped hold my head and held a cup to my lips. "Well, you look better. We were afraid you'd gone crazy like another woman who was brought here."
"What? Oh, Sitala told me about her. Why would you think that? I felt dizzy last night. I think I fainted."
Kosumi raised his eyebrow. "That was three nights ago."
"What!" I sat up fast. Mistake. I groaned, grabbed my head, and lay back down. I looked at Kosumi. "Tell me."
"First, are you okay?" He asked me and I nodded. "Sitala made you a sleeping tea. She was afraid you'd get upset when she told you that you really couldn't leave. You fainted as I was walking toward you and I brought you back here to sleep, to Honon's home. Every time you woke, you screamed and thrashed about. We, my mother and I, forced you to drink more of the tea. Dani, you've been like this for over two days. This is the first time you've woken up without screaming."
I took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say. It's hard to accept this…a life here." I looked up at him, into eyes so much like Honon's. "It's true, I really can't go home?"
"No you can't, I'm sorry. But my mother was brought here and she's had a good, happy life. She seems happy, don't you think?"
"Your mother?" My eyes widened upon realization. "You are Honon's brother!" I'd thought he might be Honon's cousin because Sitala hadn't mentioned another son.
He laughed. "Yes. You see the resemblance?"
I smiled. "Resemblance? Ha ha, no kidding. But seriously, I can't stay here. I can't be around Honon."
"Really," he sounded surprised. "You kept calling out his name in your sleep, many times in fact. We sent Liwanu after him, to bring him to you. We thought he could help you. But he's gone, he left our village three days ago and he didn't say when he'd be back."
I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, and I rolled over. Kosumi grabbed a hold of me, picked me up, and set me in his lap. "I want to go home." My eyes filled with tears. He frowned and slowly shook his head. He held me while I cried, and he softly sang in his language. I soon stopped crying. "You have a beautiful voice," I hiccupped.
"Thank you," he smiled Honon's half-grin.
"I don't understand this. My life…what happened to my life? What am I going to do? I want to go home to my friends."
"Well, you too, little brother? And, Wily, you sure turned out to be a good jewa," Honon said with a snarl before he turned and walked away. The look of disgust on his face as he turned was the final knife. Kosumi sat me down and went after Honon, and I lay back down and started to cry all over again. I couldn't believe his expression, and I couldn't believe that they wouldn't let me go home.
I woke to someone patting my back, and I opened my eyes to see Sitala. "Kosumi came by to tell me what happened. You've had a hard time, haven't you? Come, dry your tears. There's a wonderful hot pool here. It'll do you good to feel fresh and clean."
As I stood up to leave with Sitala, I noticed I had a different outfit on. All my bandages were off too. "Don't worry, I bathed you and changed your clothes while you were asleep. And your wounds have healed enough that you don't need the bandages any longer."
I took hold of her hand. "Sitala, thank you for taking care of me and I'm sorry if I've seem ungrateful or rude. This isn't your fault."
“Nonsense, you’re in a difficult situation, not one you were prepared for or wanted. I remember how I felt when I was brought here, how desperate, angry, terrified…I was so sad. Dani, there’s no choice but to adapt.”
I started to object, but Sitala stopped me with a shake of her head. “I’m sorry. I’ll help you as much as I can. You can always come to me.” She leaned over to give me a quick hug. “Here, put on these moccasins and follow me. I have food for your breakfast.”
She grabbed her basket and together we walked toward a far grouping of trees. We passed by a group of children who were watching a woman write in the dirt. “The children are having a class in writing,” Sitala told me.
We continued on through the trees and I saw about twelve feet of flat rock before a steaming pool of water. The area was completely isolated. “This is beautiful,” I exclaimed with a smile.
“Yes it is.” Sitala started to undress. “Go ahead and get undressed. You’ll find there’s no modesty here.” She walked into the water, naked. “Come, sit here. There’s a natural ledge.” I saw her pat the water next to her, so I got in and sat down. Naked. “There, don’t you feel better already? Get your hair wet. I’ll wash it for you.”
What? “Oh, you don’t have to do that. You’ve already done so much for me. I can wash it.” I was surprised and felt a little uncomfortable.
“Dani, please…I never had a daughter and you’re still weak. Let me do this for you. Let me help you.”
“Okay. Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say, so I dunked under the water to wet my hair and turned my back to her, scooting deeper into the water so she could reach my head. “Mmm, that smells good. What is it?” I remembered the smell from Honon washing my hair.
“It’s shampoo, hiluk. It’s made from soap root, oil of rosemary, and some flowers. Afterwards, I have a balm…conditioner for your hair. It’ll remove all the tangles.”
“I remember,” I sighed, “Honon had used it on me.” I almost missed what Sitala said next because I was remembering when Honon had washed and combed my hair. He’d been so attentive, so gentle.
“There, you’re all soaped up. Go ahead and rinse your hair out, and here’s some soap for your body. Also, here’s a knife you can shave with. Some of the people here don’t consider body hair attractive. I’m happy to say times have changed, all body hair used to be plucked until it didn’t grow back again. With more of the Caucasian blood mixing in, more people are born with more body hair. Some don’t mind it, others do. It’s up to you what you want to do.”
“Thanks, I do like to shave.”
I waded to the opposite side of the little pool before going back to the center where it was the deepest. Since I couldn’t stand I had to tread water. I dunked under and rinsed my hair out. “This is wonderful. I feel better already. Sitala, thank you again.”
There was a tiny stream leading into the pool. “Is that where the hot water comes from, or is it coming up from the bottom?”
“There’s another pool up a little ways. The water there comes up from the bottom, heated deep in the earth, but the water is much too hot there. It overflows into this pool, cooling down along the way and again, the water from this pool overflows into the next pool down just a ways. The water there is cooler still. The children usually use that pool. The cool pool isn’t really cool, or cold, it’s just cooler than this. Dani, come on out. I see your face getting red and it’s easy to get overheated in here.” Sitala got out and sat on the rock by the side of the pool.
We both lay back to enjoy the sun. Within minutes I heard women’s voices coming closer, so I sat up quickly and looked for something to cover myself with.
“Dani, remember? There’s no modesty here, no shame in being naked.” Sitala put her hand on my arm to still me as Matila and another woman came through the trees. Matila stopped dead when she saw me
and her eyes raked over my body. I was sure glad I looked pretty good naked; I'd even lost a little more weight since I was taken.
Sitala put her hand on my elbow. "Matila, Sapata, have you met Dani?"
The other woman stepped forward and smiled. "No I haven't. Hello, I'm Sapata. I see you have been in the pool, did you like it?" She had a kind smile and she wore her hair in two braids that hung down to her waist. I figured her to be a few years older than me. But I guessed it would be hard to tell a person's age there considering they spent their lives in the sun without sunscreen.
"Yes I did, thank you. And it's nice to meet you." I looked over to Matila. "Matila, hello, won't you join us?" With the look she was giving me I had a feeling she wouldn't--I didn't think she'd get naked in front of me. Matila looked to Sitala before sneering at me. Her blue eyes bored into mine before she turned and stomped away.
"Well, that was rude. I guess she's still upset about Honon," Sitala said. We just shrugged our shoulders. Sapata looked at us apologetically and followed Matila.
After a bit, Sitala said, "Come on, let's go back. I don't want you to get sunburned." While we were walking back, I asked her where the men bathed. "Sometimes the men bathe where were, but usually they use the cold stream on the other side."
We walked on and Sitala introduced me to more people. Helaku ran up to me and demanded to be picked up again. "Hello, Dani, How are you?" Her huge smile was like a balm to me.
"Hello, Helaku, I feel great. I just had a wonderful bathe."
She leaned in to me and sniffed. "Yes, I can small the…the…shampoo!" She yelled the last word with pride.
"Yes, the shampoo, the hiluk." I hoped I'd gotten that right.
"Yes, yes, you learn to," she squealed loudly. Sitala and I both laughed. Helaku quizzed me on names she'd taught me the first day, but I didn't remember many. Then in the way little kids have, she instantly decided she wanted out of my arms and ran off. "Wow, she really is full of sun." I smiled. "Sitala, since we're going over translations, I wonder if you can tell me what a couple of words mean. The first is Wily."
"Wily is a name. It means: Chicken Hawk Squawking. Why do you…oh that's right, Honon called you that. Hmm, that was a little rude of him. I doubt he meant it as complimentary. What's the other word?
"I think the word was jowa…no, it was jewa, definitely jewa."
Sitala sighed and looked at the ground. "Kosumi told me Honon called you an unflattering name. I'm going to have to have a talk with my son." She stopped talking and we just walked.
"Sitala, what's the meaning of the word?"
She breathed out a long sigh. "You realize Honon thinks you bedded Liwanu, right?"
"Yes, I realize that. But it's not true. I didn't," I said, hoping she believed me.
"Yes, I know. I spoke with Liwanu, he was honorable. Do you know Honon now also thinks you're bedding Kosumi?"
I sighed. "I was sitting on Kosumi's lap, but he was only comforting me. I was crying. I wouldn't doubt Honon's mind took him there. So…what's the meaning of the word?"
Sitala stopped me and turned me toward her, holding my arms. "The word literally translates as broodmare. I've told you about it before. Do you remember? Do you know what it is?"
I stiffened. "Yes, I do." I turned and started walking back. Sitala caught up with me. And like most men put in a situation they don't understand where their emotions are involved, they don't always act in the most appropriate way."
"That's fine. I don't care. Men haven't exactly been a big part of my life. I don't need one. I've gotten along well enough without them. And the few times I did have one, they…they were hardly worth the time. Honon made his choice perfectly clear, he doesn't want me, and I'm not so needy that I'm going to die over it, or let it interfere with my life." I stopped in front of Honon's home and turned to look at Sitala. "Evidently I have to live the rest of my life here, so I need to learn to take care of myself here," I said, spreading my arms wide and looking around. "How soon will my home be ready?"
Sitala'd had a worried look on her face the whole time I was talking to her. She blinked. "Um, I'm not sure…I'll have to ask my husband. Please don't let this harden you. Dani, I wanted to talk to you about something three days ago. Maybe now would be good? It's almost time for lunch. Come with me and I'll start to teach you what our food is and how to cook it. Okay?"
She looked at me with such distress that I felt bad. "Yeah, that sounds good. I'm sorry. I don't mean to take this out on you."
Looping her arm through mine, Sitala smiled and we walked back to her home. Wuyi wasn't there. "Wuyi likes to sit and fish. It's relaxing for him," she explained.
Sitala showed me what to do and I helped her make lunch. While the soup was cooking, she talked. "I wanted to talk to you about Honon." When I started to object, she held u her hands for me to stop. "Now just hear me out. I told you I've never seen Honon act this way before, and with everything you've told me, I feel sure he's in love with you."
I laughed and she gave me a warning look. "I think also…you're in love with him."
I couldn't hold back. "Oh, no I'm not! I wouldn't have him."
Sitala held up her finger. "Let me finish please. Just like you took awhile to accept that your life is here now, I also think you're not accepting that you love me son. You act just like a woman whose lover walked out on her, and Honon is acting like a man whose woman walked out on him." She exhaled a huge breath. "Now, I want you to really think about it. Take a couple of days, whatever you need. Search inside yourself, be honest with yourself. Don't let your pride ruin your life. If you come to accept the truth, come back to me and I'll help you get my son back. There, I've had my say. I'll say no more until you have an answer. Here, while the soup is cooking. I'll show you the items needed in a home."
"Okay, that's a lot to grasp. But it's not about pride, it's about protection. Now, what are the seeds in that basket?"
Sitala taught me a little bit about cooking and taking care of a house, koca.
After dinner, Helaku came to take me on a walk. "Come, my mother wishes to meet with you." She held my hand and dragged me to her koca. "Mother, Mother, here is Dani come to meet with you." A slender woman almost my height turned toward me. She had beautiful mahogany hair and dark blue eyes.
"Hello, I'm Papina, Vine Growing around tree. I see you have already met my Sunshine."
"Yes I have, and sunshine she certainly is. I gotta tell you, she's brightened my mood a few times already. It's nice to meet you, Papina." I smiled at her. "Vine Growing around Tree, do you mind if I ask how you got that name?"
"When I was a child I was always climbing trees." She looked off toward a tree in remembrance. "Even now I sometimes like to get away and sit high in a tree and relax," Papina laughed. "I'm glad my daughter has been a light for you. I would think to have your life so changed would not be easy."
"No, it hasn't. And I think it'll be difficult for a long time. But, I've accepted it…I think. I'll learn how to live here," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "Sitala taught me how to cook a fish soup today, and a little of how to take care of my koca."
Papina laughed again. "Yes, koca, home. Helaku said she's teaching you words. If there is more you want to learn, or if I can help you, please let me know. I would like to help you make your life happy here." She hugged me. "I am very happy to meet you, Dani."
"Tol'a…Father," Helaku ran by and I turned around.
"Muata! You're Helaku's father? Where've you been? I…I…" I wanna go home. You lied to me, you helped take me…where's Honon? "Well, it's nice to see you again. You have a lovely family." I turned to Papina. "Papina, it was wonderful to meet you. Yes, I'd like to take you up on your offer for help. Thank you…I gotta go now. See you later, Helaku." I bent to give her a quick hug goodbye.
Papina looked at me with sad kindness. "Be well, Dani. I hope to see you again soon."
I walked away, just wanting to crawl in bed. Liwanu called out to me but I didn't have any more
energy to talk, so I just looked at him, waved, shook my head, and kept walking. By the time I was back inside Honon's home, I was almost in tears. Looking around, I realized that everything inside was his. The bed I'd been sleeping on was Honon's bed. I took off my clothes, climbed under the fur, and tried to concentrate on Miwokan words so I wouldn't think about Honon or home. I wasn't worried about Honon coming back in, he was obviously avoiding me.
The sun shining through the logs' gaps woke me pretty early the next morning and I wanted cold water to freshen my face, so I grabbed my handkerchief and headed for the cold stream. I ran into Liwanu. "Hi, Liwanu, sorry about last night, I wasn't doing very well. I'm looking for the cold spring to wash my face."
"Come, I will show you. You look like you had a difficult time last night."
I nodded. "Yeah, I saw Muata yesterday for the first time since I got here. I also met his wife, Papina. I really like her."
"This is good. She can help you learn your life here." Liwanu put his hand on my shoulder to lead me. "I too will help if you want."
"I know I can count on you." I patted his hand. "I'd also like to help you. I don't like that people here are afraid of you. But, Liwanu, you have to help me, you can't go growling at kids anymore." I smiled up at him with my eyebrows raised.
We came to the water. "I will think on it," Liwanu said. "I will walk away so you may bathe. I will watch for nobody to come."
"Thank you." I watched him walk away. I could still see part of the back of his shoulder as he stood guard, but I felt safe with him. The water was so cold I just gave myself a quick sponge bath.
"I'm done, Liwanu, thank you. What are your plans for today?" I asked.
"Today is my day to stand guard." He saw my questioning look. "Every day, six men go to the top of our ridge, in a hidden area, to watch. Five other men stay inside to listen for a warning signal. If they hear the whistle, they run to spread the warning. The women and children run to hide in the winter caves. The men discuss the threat to think how to take care of it. To guard against any hikers or campers coming near, we have signs posted that say, 'Beware, falling rock, keep out.' We put many rocks near the signs to make people think there was a landslide. The hill is very steep on both sides and most of it is hardened lava, very sharp. Nobody has ever tried to climb up. We found safe routes to get us to the top. Once, many generations ago, men came here and walked around the base of the mountain with equipment. We now know they were surveyors…then they left. We have never been found."