Shame

by Fiona Cole

  A nervous laugh escaped, and I looked down to hide my blush. “I’m sure he was too kind. And please, call me Ana.”

  As formal as the setting was, the conversation flowed easily. His parents were just as funny as Andrew and it warmed my heart to see the love between them. They’d been married thirty years and still looked at each other like it had only been thirty days. I wanted that. I wanted to reach out and touch it; to feel the love that consumed them.

  Andrew took my hand, and I looked at the way it wrapped around mine. I focused on the smoothness of his fingers as they stroked my thumb and I felt a soft, lukewarm desire. Where was the heat from earlier?

  “Ana, Andrew told us you’re going to be a teacher. What do you want to teach?” Lincoln asked.

  Slipping my hand from Andrew’s, I took a quick sip of my water before answering. “Chemistry.”

  “Whew, she’s a smart one Andrew,” Clara said.

  “Don’t I know it,” he agreed.

  I waved away their easy compliments and turned the conversation away from myself and focused on his mother, “Andrew told me he was following in his dad’s footsteps to become a lawyer, but what do you do, Clara?”

  “Oh, I’m just a stay-at-home mom.”

  His dad guffawed. “Just a stay-at-home mom? I don’t think so.” He wrapped his arm around her, tugging her close. “This woman runs the household and keeps everything under control. Once Andrew got older and more independent, she began doing charity work. Takes charge of whatever she sets her mind to.”

  “Mom’s always been a strong leader,” said Andrew. “Independent and doesn’t need us men to take care of her.”

  “I sure as hell don’t,” Clara said. Andrew and his father broke out in laughter.

  “Always a spitfire,” Lincoln commented. “Andrew needs a woman in his life to do the same. Being a lawyer takes a lot of time, and I know my boy needs a strong woman by his side. I can see that fire in you, Ana. He’s lucky to have you.”

  Was he? I didn’t really feel like the woman he described. But I wanted to be for Andrew.

  The conversation seemed much deeper than I had anticipated, and I hid behind my water glass, almost choking when Andrew leaned in to my ear and whispered, “I would especially love a woman who can take control in the bedroom.”

  I blinked, trying to get my face under control as he pressed his lips to my temple. Andrew had never been so forward and, while I would’ve usually enjoyed such public dirty talk, the words weren’t the ones I wanted to hear.

  When I felt like I could hold a smile for enough time, I turned to look at him and he winked like he was giving me a prize of a lifetime. Because what woman wouldn’t want to feel in control of her sex life and of her man? What woman wouldn’t want to exhibit the kind of independence and confidence that radiated from his mom?

  Me, that’s who. I was that woman.

  I struggled to finish my meal, pushing the food around my plate until it was time to leave.

  Andrew had rarely pushed anything sexual between us, and I assumed it was because he respected my need for distance. But I should’ve seen the change in him with the comment he’d made during lunch.

  When he walked me to my door and leaned in to kiss me, pulling me into his chest, closer than before, I let him. I wanted to explore the possibility of any real desire between us. I opened my lips and moaned as his tongue brushed mine. I shoved my chest into his and dug my fingers in his hair. I gasped when his hand dragged up my ribs and settled on my breast. I pushed myself toward a desire I couldn’t reach when his thumb lightly brushed my nipple. But his light touch wasn’t enough. I was pushing too hard and he wasn’t pushing enough. His kisses softened and disappointment in myself sank deep in my bones.

  I didn’t have the energy to wonder if my smile was convincing enough before I closed the door and said goodbye.

  My body had failed me, not feeling anything when an amazing man touched me. It hadn’t been hard enough—painful enough—for me to experience the fire I so desperately needed.

  My head hit the pillow, as the tears began to fall.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Kevin

  “Hey, Ana,” I answered my phone with a smile. That’s what usually happened when I saw her name on the screen of an incoming call. It faded, however, as soon as I registered the choked breaths and tearful stutters on the other end. “Ana? What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

  “Ke-Kev.” That was all she got out before her voice broke.

  “Are you okay? Where are you?”

  “Th-the hospital. It’s my m-mom.”

  “Shit. Which one? I’m on my way.” I grabbed my keys and bolted, breaking every traffic law on the books to get to her faster. I hadn’t even asked what had happened, I’d just heard her shattered voice and knew she needed me.

  My tires squealed around the last turn before I pulled into a parking space and ran in. “Hey,” I shouted at the receptionist. I hadn’t meant to, but I was out of breath and the panic made my words louder than I’d intended. She looked up with an irritated scowl, and I forced myself to take a breath and find my manners. “I’m sorry. My—” My what? Friend? Family? Fuck it.

  “My girlfriend’s mom was brought in a little while ago, and I was wondering if you could direct me how to get there.” Her lips were still pinched. “Please.”

  “Name?”

  “Natasha Montgomery.”

  Her scrolling search took forever, but eventually she found her. “She’s on the fourth floor in the oncology unit. Visiting ends in an hour,” she shouted at my retreating back.

  The elevator moved at a snail’s pace, and I regretted not taking the stairs. Once it finally opened at the fourth floor, I bolted through the doors, only to come to a stop at finding my parents sitting in the waiting room. “Mom? Dad?”

  My mom stood and came to me with outstretched arms. “Hey, baby.” She hugged me and pulled back, looking me over with a furrowed brow. “Did you run here?”

  “I came as soon as Ana called. What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Language, Kevin.” My dad issued a warning as he pulled me in for a back-slapping hug.

  “Sorry. I just didn’t expect you guys to be here. What’s going on?”

  “Natasha had a spill,” my mom answered. “I guess she cut herself before she landed and hit her head on the tiles. The nurse aide was worried that it took her a moment to wake up and called an ambulance. We were just coming home when it pulled up and decided to follow her here so she wasn’t alone. I wasn’t sure how long it would take for Ana to get here.”

  “Okay. Okay,” I repeated, trying to process the information. My hand rubbed over my face and dug into my hair as I looked around, trying to think of what to do. Did I call Ana? Did she need me? How did I get to her? I was saved from answering when the doors to the rooms opened and Ana came walking out.

  When her gray eyes locked on mine, she picked up her pace, slamming into me, holding on tight with her head buried in my chest. My arms circled her shaking body and I rubbed my hand up and down her back. “Shh. It’s okay, Ana. I got you. It’s okay.”

  I didn’t know if she heard me, but I rested my head on hers, and pulled her into me as tightly as possible, as if I could shield her from her problems. Once she stopped shaking, I loosened my hold and leaned back to try and look at her. She lifted her head, and I hurt for her, seeing her red, swollen eyes. She looked tired and scared, and I wanted nothing more than to take it all away.

  “Thank you for coming.”

  “Of course I came.” I brushed the hair back from her wet cheeks and kissed her forehead. “Whenever you need me, I’m there. Now tell me what’s going on.”

  My parents directed us over to the blue cushioned chairs in the empty waiting room. I made sure to sit next to Ana and keep her hand in mine, linking our pinkies. My parents didn’t say anything about how we acted exactly like we did in high school, even after three years. My mom had stopped asking about Ana by the
time college picked up, but I don’t think she ever gave up hope we’d find each other again.

  “Apparently, Mom was cooking and had a dizzy spell. Her chemo has been pretty aggressive and the doctor said that was probably the reason for her fall. It wouldn’t have been so bad except she managed to cut her arm on the knife she was using and hit her head hard enough to knock her out. She needed a few stitches on her arm and they said she had a minor concussion. They want to keep her for observation just to make sure it isn’t anything else.”

  “I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” my mom said, reaching out to squeeze Ana’s knee. “If there’s anything we can do, just let us know.”

  “Thank you. When I told my mom you all came, she said she wouldn’t mind visitors before visiting hours ended. If you don’t mind staying a little longer, I know she’d love to see you. You know how she is, always the social butterfly.” Ana managed to squeak out a laugh.

  It was good to hear, even a small one, after watching her break down a few moments earlier.

  I hadn’t seen Natasha since last summer when I was home for a visit, and I struggled to control my face at seeing her when I walked into her room. Ana’s mom had always been thin, but her face was gaunt and pale under the hospital lights. She had a brightly colored scarf tied around her head which brought out the same blue eyes as Ana’s. Despite the eye makeup she was wearing, I could see dark circles under her eyes. And as usual, a bold red lipstick highlighted her smiling lips.

  “Oh, good,” she said as cheerfully as her tired voice would allow. I expected her to zero in on me with narrowed eyes. Ana’s mom had manners in spades and would never go so far as to be rude, but the blame she laid at my feet for Ana leaving had never been a secret. But instead, she turned to me with a smile, her eyes taking in my hand at Ana’s back. “I’m so glad to see you all. I figured I could use some company before I’m left all alone in this room for the night. Although, I think I can talk the nurse out there into playing cards with me,” she said with a wink. Turning to Ana, who had moved to sit beside her. She gave her a nudge and whispered, “He’s younger than me, but I think I can convince him.”

  “Mom,” Ana gasped, her jaw dropping. But she laughed and there was noticeable relief in Natasha’s eyes, having made her daughter smile. “Ignore her.”

  “I mean, if he’s going to stay, maybe you’d need a third for cards tonight,” my mom chimed in.

  “Hey now,” my dad interjected.

  I just groaned and dropped into an empty chair close to Ana.

  “We’d love to have you, Allison. You can always come too, Anabelle.”

  “I’m good, Mom,” Ana said with a laugh. “Thanks for the offer. Even though you know I’ll stay all night if you need me to.”

  “No, you have school tomorrow, and I don’t want you to miss it.” She waved away Ana’s offer and changed the subject. “Now how is everyone? Kevin, I haven’t seen you in so long and I feel like you’ve grown. Again.”

  “I’m good, Mrs. Montgomery. Just trying to make it through my final semester of college. Thankfully Ana came back just in time to help me in calculus.”

  Ana scoffed. “Oh, please. You’re doing just fine without any help from me.”

  “It’s a heck of lot better than his first year. We weren’t sure he was going to make it through the year, let alone graduate,” my dad muttered.

  “What?” Ana asked, shocked. “Kevin was always so great in school.” She turned to me. “What happened? Intro to music too hard for you?”

  I tried to laugh at her joke, but remembering how depressed I was after losing her made it impossible. It ended up coming out more as a grimace and when she saw me struggling, her laughter faded, and we just stared at each other. I didn’t want her to feel any guilt thinking it was her fault I’d been so depressed. It was all me and my mistakes. But watching her lips pinch, I knew she was piecing the puzzle together and laying blame at her feet.

  “I hope not. We came to the conclusion that he just missed his mother so much, he couldn’t focus,” Mom teased. “I did always keep him on schedule and going off to college allows a lot of freedom.”

  “You babied him,” Dad complained.

  “Well, he’s my baby. It’s allowed.”

  “I concur, Allison. I love to baby my baby too,” Natasha chimed in, resting her hand on Ana’s.

  Ana cleared her throat and stuttered through a joke, trying to break our intense stare-down. “That’s cute that Kevin is such a little mama’s boy.”

  “Damn right I am. She’s going to regret it when I ask her to pack my lunches every day when I go to work.”

  Dad groaned and we all laughed.

  “Oh Ana, how we missed the way you give him crap all the time,” Mom said. “We’re glad to see you again, despite the circumstances.”

  “I’ve missed my second family too. And I’ll always be here to put Kevin in his place.”

  “How’s retirement, Liam?” Ana’s mom asked Dad. “I feel like you guys are always gone since you finally stopped working.”

  “Good. Good. Allison is still dragging me all around. Said she devoted so much of her life to supporting me that I need to take her on dates and adventures now.”

  “Good. She deserves the best.”

  “I do. I made him buy me a house in Florida. Right on the beach. We’re actually going there for spring break this year with Kevin before he starts working.”

  Natasha sighed. “A beach sounds amazing right about now.”

  “Why don’t you come? It’s big enough for all of us, and maybe it would do you good to get some fresh, salty air for a couple of days. We won’t stay long enough to keep you away from anything important,” Mom said.

  “Oh, I don’t want to intrude on your last family vacation, and I don’t know if Ana had any plans for us.”

  “Well, you would both come,” my dad answered.

  I looked up and saw Ana’s hesitance. “I don’t know. It seems like a long distance away from your doctors and everything.” She bit her lip, looking at her mom.

  “You should come, Ana. It would be fun,” I said, already imagining her in a bikini.

  “I don’t know,” she said, hedging.

  “Knock, knock.” A doctor stood in the doorway. “I need to do a quick exam on Mrs. Montgomery. You can all come back in in a minute.”

  “Can I stay?” Ana asked.

  “As long as it’s okay with your mom.”

  Ana’s mom nodded and my parents and I went to wait outside in the hall.

  “You have to convince her to come, Kevin. It would be so much fun, and I think it would be great for Natasha,” my mom pleaded, holding my hands between us.

  “I’ll do what I can, Mom. But I can’t exactly kidnap her.”

  “Sure you can,” she joked.

  After a short wait, the door opened and we walked back in to a smiling Natasha. “We’re going to Florida,” she announced.

  Ana’s pinched lips couldn’t hide her smile. Whether it was because we were going to Florida or seeing her mom so excited talking plans with my mom, I didn’t know, but it was good to see her smile after today.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Ana

  Kevin drove me home once visiting hours were over because I’d been with my roommate, Jessica, at the library when I got the call. We’d carpooled that morning, so she offered to take me rather than waste time getting my car.

  My body sagged against the seat, drained from the bursts of emotions: fear, relief, doubt, more relief, and more fear. They weighed heavy in my muscles, making them fatigued despite not having worked them. Staring out the window, I watched the stars in the sky, feeling as though I could float away if not for my link with Kevin. We’d gotten in the car and he’d immediately linked his pinky with mine, anchoring me. Always there to hold me in place. I knew I could’ve handled today on my own, but I was glad I didn’t have to. My best friend—always there when I needed him.

  When we pulled up to my apartment and p
arked, I saw Andrew sitting on my stoop, a bouquet of flowers lying on the pavement next to him.

  “Shit. Shit, shit, shit.”

  “What’s wrong?” Kevin asked.

  “I completely forgot about my date with Andrew tonight. Shit.”

  Even from the corner of my eye, I saw Kevin’s face pinch and his pinky flinched in mine. “Do you need me to stay?”

  I took a deep breath. I needed him to leave so I could face my mistake. “No.” I turned to him because I wanted him to see how grateful I was for his help and squeezed his pinky. “Thank you for everything today, Kevin. I’d have fallen apart without you.”

  He laughed. “No, you wouldn’t have. You’re a strong woman, Anabelle. You would’ve been fine without me, but I’m glad I was there so you didn’t have to be strong alone.”

  Forcing a smile, I climbed out of the car and walked toward Andrew. Thankfully, Kevin didn’t linger and drove away. As I approached Andrew, I took in his pinched lips and clenched fists. I didn’t blame him for being mad. Especially since I’d shown up with Kevin. It had to be a blow to his ego. Rather than explaining on my stoop, I told him to come in.

  “I was worried about you. You didn’t pick up when I called and your car was outside, so I decided to wait for you,” he said in a hardened voice as soon as we walked through the door.

  “I’m so sorry, Andrew.” I dropped my jacket on the back of the couch before turning to look at him. “My mom fell earlier today and had to be taken to the hospital. I was at the library and got a ride to the hospital. That’s why my car was still here.”

  “Ana.” His tone softened and he started to walk toward me. “I’m sorry.” Just as he was about to reach me, he came to a halt and cocked his head to the side as though just now putting together the pieces of me being at the library to showing up tonight in Kevin’s car. “Was Kevin with you when you found out?”