by Nicole Trope
‘They’d searched the park already. I think Aiden was the one who pushed to go back. Who knows how long he’s been there.’
Outside the door Robert heard Liz say, ‘Oh, oh God,’ and then they both heard the front door slam.
‘Shit,’ said Robert.
‘We have to stop her,’ said Dave as they moved out of the kitchen.
In the living room the women stood looking at each other.
‘She’s gone,’ said Ellen. ‘She’s gone. What did you say?’ she shouted. ‘What did you say? Where’s my grandson?’
The words were shouted at the air because Dave and Robert were already running. The park was so close. They were running and even though Dave was fast he couldn’t catch up with Liz, who was running on her fear and despair and her knowledge that it was all over. Right now it was all over.
17
‘So what?’ said Rhonda
‘Where?’ said Jack.
‘The park,’ said Ellen. ‘It’s the only place close enough. It has to be the park. That’s where she was going, it’s the park. We have to get to the park, Jack. I can’t run, Jack. We have to get to the park.’
‘Well move, woman,’ said Jack. ‘Just move.’
Rhonda and Rebecca dashed outside to Rebecca’s car. ‘We’ll follow you,’ she shouted at Ellen.
Ellen didn’t say anything. She slid into Jack’s car, noting that it was new and plush. She was holding Luke’s coat. ‘It’s cold,’ she thought. ‘He’ll be so cold.’
Jack screeched out of the driveway.
Ellen watched the houses merge into one as Jack sped down the street.
It was Saturday night and there would be families getting ready to go out together and parents making sure the babysitter was coming. Ordinary families living ordinary lives had no idea that in their neighbourhood, on their street, there was something so completely extraordinary going on that when the news spread, sliding through the television sets and computers, they would look out of their windows and know that their walls had been breached. If they could live near such a thing and not know it was there, what hope was there for them?
Ellen had not been looking forward to pizza with Luke and Liz but she hadn’t been able to think of a reason why she couldn’t join them.
Now she knew she would give anything, anything, to be getting ready to brave the noisy pizza restaurant where they didn’t serve alcohol.
‘We long for lives filled with drama and excitement,’ she thought, ‘but when it comes we can only desire the routine and the mundane, because in the moments that bore us with their repetition we can at least be sure that we are safe.’
She needed another drink. She desperately needed to feel the burn.
This was happening. This was really happening.
This morning Luke had showed her how many Cheerios he could fit into his mouth. He had made it to twenty before he had to spit the whole lot out. She should have scolded him for the mess but it was so funny she had just laughed. She was glad now that she had laughed.
She was glad that she had given him an extra chocolate treat last night even though Liz had said he’d had enough. She was glad she had let him crawl into her bed some nights when he felt like company and Liz had told him not to wake her. She should have hugged him more, read him more stories, played more games, but she knew that now was not the time for her pain. Now she would need to be a mother to her devastated child and only later, when she was alone, could she take out her grandmother pain and embrace it.
‘We’re here, baby, we’re right here,’ whispered Ellen to herself.
‘Right here,’ said Jack.
Liz ran. She pumped her arms and legs and she ran because she could not be there fast enough. Her breath was ragged and she felt her nose run and eyes water but she couldn’t stop. She was barefoot. ‘When did I take off my shoes?’ she thought and then her foot was pinched by a sharp pain that she knew would bleed, but she could not stop.
He was so close. Had he been there all along? Was the arcade a lie? Or had he gone to the park only when he knew what he was going to do? Had he been planning this all day?
Even as she ran and her body began to sweat, Liz could feel how cold it was getting. ‘Did he let him have his blankie?’ she thought. His blankie would have kept him warm. He would have been terrified without his blankie. He would have cried.
‘He would have cried for me,’ she thought, and the pain in her foot was cancelled out by the sharp agony in her heart. He would have cried for me.
She wanted to stop. She could see the park up ahead and she wanted to stop because the red and blue lights flashing in the sky could only mean one thing. She forced her legs to go faster. ‘How long do I have left?’ she thought. How long before I am sure of what has happened to my son? She would not be able to live without him. In the rush of her heartbeat and the burn of her lungs she was completely sure of that and the thought was a comfort.
It made perfect sense that Alex had chosen the park. Alex loved the park. It wasn’t a big park and the equipment was old and in need of upgrading but it was their park. It was the park he had taken her to after their first date because he hadn’t wanted to drop her home and end the night.
‘I know where we can go,’ she had said and then she had directed him to the park near her mother’s house.
They’d kissed and Alex had held her face like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.
It was the first place they had made love. Alex had brought a blanket and they had hidden themselves amongst the trees and bushes. It had been very late at night in the middle of summer and they had been completely alone.
‘One day, we’ll have our own house and we won’t have to sneak around like this,’ Alex had said when they were lying together and looking at the stars.
The second day after they brought Luke home from the hospital Alex had made her get up and get dressed.
‘We’ll take our boy to see our park,’ he told her, and then they had parked at her mother’s house and walked.
‘The air will do you good,’ he had said and he had been right. They had walked carefully, pushing the shiny new pram, and Liz had looked at the world that was different only because she was different and Alex had smiled and smiled. ‘This is our family park now,’ he had said. ‘We are now a family. You and me and Luke.’
And of course she had laughed with delight at the wonderfulness of it all. It had always been their park. There were parks closer to their house and parks where the equipment was new but they had always come back to this park.
It was where Luke had learned to climb and how to move a swing. It was where he had fallen over and scraped his knee and howled at the injustice of a body that wouldn’t quite do what he told it to. It was the park where they had become a family—and now?
What was it now?
Three hours and forty minutes late
‘Let’s go, Linda,’ said Christian, and the ambulance began to move slowly.
The park had filled up with people summoned by the flashing lights and the promise of drama.
‘Come on,’ muttered Linda, ‘get out of the way; you’ve seen whatever there was to see.’ She tooted the horn once.
Julie closed her eyes, wondering how this was all going to go down, wondering about the woman waiting for news of her husband and son, and then she heard a scream echo across the park.
The agonising scream filled the air. Julie stood up and looked out of the back doors. At first she couldn’t see anything but then Linda made a slow turn and Julie saw a woman running across the park. She was waving her arms and screaming for all she was worth. Her long black hair was blowing over her face and her feet were bare. She was moving fast but also doing some sort of hop and limp.
‘She must be hurt,’ thought Julie.
The woman kept going until she virtually bumped into the ambulance. In the park Julie watched people move back from the strange shrieking creature.
Julie knew that this was the wo
man who had been waiting for news. This was the woman who’d made the first call and the second call and who had summoned the police and this was the woman whose life was about to be shattered.
‘Stop,’ said Julie.
‘No,’ said Linda.
‘Just fucking stop, okay. This must be her.’
‘We have to get to the hospital,’ said Linda.
Behind the woman were Robert and Dave. Robert looked ready for a heart attack but Dave was a runner and he looked like he was just out for a stroll. He hadn’t been able to catch the woman though.
Linda continued to move the bus slowly until there was a bang on the side. Robert had hit the side.
‘Stop,’ he shouted and it was an order.
‘Fuck,’ said Linda. She stopped and Julie stood up to open the doors.
The woman looked into the ambulance. Her eyes and nose were streaming.
‘Where’s my son?’ she said.
Jack spun his wheels into the park where Ellen could see two ambulances with their red and blue lights turning frantic circles. There were no sirens but the park was filled with numerous police cars. And people, so many people just standing and watching.
‘Fucking vultures,’ thought Ellen. She jumped out of the car and pushed herself across the park towards the ambulances. A policeman stepped in front of her to try and stop her from getting to the ambulance with the back doors open.
‘It’s my daughter,’ she screamed and then she saw Jack’s arm shoot out and push the man away.
She stopped just short of the ambulance. Inside Liz was standing with a policewoman and looking down at the stretcher. And she was howling. Liz was howling and Ellen felt her body begin to fall.
‘No you don’t,’ said Jack, grabbing her from behind.
‘She needs us now, El, she needs us and we will be there. Breathe deep, luv. Here we go.’
Inside the ambulance Liz was looking down at her son, her boy, her blood-soaked little man, and she could not make the howling stop.
She wanted it to be silent.
In the moment he was born everything stopped. It was only for long enough to take a breath but everything stopped. The midwife was quiet and the doctor just breathed. No machines beeped and the noises outside were absorbed by the miracle in the room. Her child greeted the world in silence. She needed silence again now so that he could farewell it.
She turned to find her mother to ask her to help stop the noise and she touched her face as she turned and it was then that she realised that she was making the noise. She was an animal mourning the loss of her young and she had no idea how to stop herself from tearing her hair and clothes.
The policewoman stepped in front of her and grabbed her face with both hands, just as Luke liked to grab her face.
‘It was the bestest day of my life, Mum.’
She turned Liz’s face towards her and their eyes locked. Liz had never seen such blue eyes.
‘No,’ said the policewoman firmly.
‘No,’ she said again in a loud voice.
‘Look,’ she said. She grabbed Liz’s hand and placed it on his chest. Liz pulled away as if she had touched fire.
His face was covered in an oxygen mask and she wondered why they had bothered.
‘Look,’ said the policewoman again. This time she held Liz’s hand on his little chest and even though Liz wanted to pull away and run and run forever she kept her hand there.
And then she felt it.
It was a small movement. It was so small and so light she could have imagined it, but she watched as her hand moved up and down with his chest.
‘It’s not his blood,’ said the policewoman. ‘It’s not his blood. Do you understand?’
Liz nodded, keeping her hand on his chest.
‘But what?’ she said.
‘Carbon monoxide poisoning,’ said the man sitting at Luke’s head.
Liz looked up and saw him for the first time. He was watching the oxygen tank.
‘He’s not going to die,’ said the man. ‘With new cars it takes a lot longer before it gets critical.’
‘He’s not going to die,’ repeated the police officer.
‘He’s not going to die,’ said Liz.
The tears in her eyes were matched by those running down the policewoman’s face.
He wasn’t going to die.
18
Liz wanted to stroke his head but she couldn’t bear to touch the blood. On his fine hair it looked fake and gluggy. It could have been paste and food colouring. It could have been red paint darkened with brown.
But it was Alex’s blood. Because it could have been nothing else.
Liz lay her cheek gently on Luke’s chest and felt him breathe. She looked out of the ambulance to see her parents. Jack was shaking hands with another policeman and Robert and Dave were on their phones. The air was charged with relief. It crackled around the park and bounced along through the crowd.
‘We need to get him to the hospital,’ said the policewoman in the ambulance.
Liz felt Luke’s little chest move up and down.
‘He’s alive,’ she said.
‘Yes, he is,’ said the man. ‘He’s strong.’
As the three of them watched, Luke’s arm rose and fluttered near his face.
‘He keeps doing that,’ said the man. And his voice told Liz that Luke’s butterfly hand was not a good sign.
‘Why is it happening?’ said Liz.
The man looked down at his machine.
‘Why, tell me what that means.’ She looked at the policewoman who was looking at the paramedic. There was something they didn’t want to say. Something important.
‘The ER doc will take a look at him. Don’t worry about anything now. Let’s just get him there,’ he said.
‘But . . .’ said Liz as she remembered something she had read or seen or heard. ‘Brain damage,’ she almost shouted. ‘That’s what you’re worried about, isn’t it? You’re worried about brain damage. From the carbon monoxide? That’s what it is, isn’t it?’
The man looked at Luke and busied himself with checking his oxygen mask.
‘Just tell me, please,’ said Liz.
‘We’ll let the doc take a look, okay?’ Liz looked at him and caught the look of resignation on his face. His nametag identified him as ‘Christian’.
Liz nodded. He would not give her any answers now.
Luke’s hand floated up and down again, dancing to his own special music.
The brain was a secret the body kept and Liz could see that this simple action possibly told a tale of a long recovery. His body wasn’t listening to his brain. Unless of course he meant to make the movement.
Luke’s arm floated up again and this time it connected with the mask on his face and pushed at it.
‘Maybe he wants to talk or something,’ said Liz. Inside her chest her heart swelled with the greatest of hopes. The hope only a mother can hold.
Christian looked at her sadly. ‘I don’t think so.’
Luke’s hand batted the mask again and this time he moaned as well.
The paramedic leaned forward and lifted the mask away from Luke’s face and then, in the silent ambulance in the fading light, they heard him speak.
His eyes remained closed and his voice was low and came out slowly as his throat found a way to work.
‘I want my pizza, Mum. I want pizza with olives.’
His body relaxed again, he had said what he needed to say and his arm drifted down by his side.
Christian smiled at Liz and Liz could see his eyes shine.
‘Well, that’s bloody marvellous,’ he said. ‘Bloody marvellous.’
Julie the policewoman smiled and Liz smiled back at her and then Liz felt a laugh bubble up in her throat. She caught it behind her teeth, embarrassed under the circumstances, but Julie leaned forward and squeezed her hand.
‘Much more where that came from,’ she said.
Liz nodded and held on to Luke’s hand. His little fingers c
urled slightly, holding right back.
No one mentioned Alex. In the middle of this miracle his name would not be spoken and Liz washed away any thought of him. There would be time to think it through, time to work out what had happened and plenty of time, endless reserves of time, to ask why. But now she would not think about him.
‘It’s time to go now,’ said Christian, and Julie stood up and started to close the doors.
The ambulance began to move slowly again. Outside Liz could see her mother turn and move towards them.
‘Wait,’ said Ellen, trying to climb in, ‘I’ll come too.’
‘Sorry, ma’am,’ said Christian cheerfully. ‘Only the mother.’
‘I’m still a mother,’ thought Liz. ‘Still a mother.’
Liz felt a laugh bubble up in her throat again. The rush of emotions was making her giddy. She breathed slowly in and out and tried to calm herself.
She was still a mother.
‘Pack a bag for us, Mum,’ she called to Ellen.
‘I will,’ said Ellen. ‘Dad and I will be right behind you. We’ll get everything from the house and meet you there.’
‘Pack his Bob the Builder pyjamas and some stuff for him to play with. You know what he likes.’
‘Yes,’ said Ellen. ‘I know what he likes.’
‘And, Mum . . .’
‘Yes?’
‘Don’t forget a new blankie. He needs his blankie.’
Epilogue
‘Luke, can you please stop jumping up and down?’ said Liz.
‘When’s P’liceman Dave coming, Mum, when, when, when, when?’
‘Luke, please stop. I need to get this sunscreen on you or we’re not going to the lake.’
‘P’liceman Dave says I’m gonna fish—I’m gonna fish and I’m gonna catch a big fish and then he says we gotta frow it back.’
‘It’s “policeman”, Luke. Can you say “policeman”?’ said Ellen, coming into the kitchen. ‘I’ll do this, Liz. Go and finish getting ready.’