by KL Donn
I’ve also been given the option to walk away.
An out.
I was given an out, and everything in my body is screaming that I take it. Begging for me to accept that I can lock the monster in my mind back up. He’s dead. Jeffrey has no power over me anymore. I don’t have to do this.
Yes, you do.
I do.
“I understand. But…” I pause, unsure of how to say this.
“But?” Zack prompts. His sister, Echo, had to fly back home this afternoon, so I didn’t get to meet her. In a way, I wish she were here. She might be a stranger but having a woman to confess to instead of two clinical people and the man who could possibly be my boyfriend in the future makes this more difficult.
I take a deep breath for strength and say what I have to. “My mother is left out of this.” I raise my hand when Veronica starts to speak. “I’m eighteen in a few weeks; I’ll be on my own. She’s already a mess, no sense in making her life worse.”
“For today,” Veronica tells me. “I can’t promise forever. Everything I have will go to a prosecutor and my supervisors. The final decision won’t be mine.”
“Fair enough.” I don’t have to like it. My mother is emotionally unstable enough as it is, this would only make her worse. In her own way, she loved me. I was fed, had a roof over my head, and sometimes, I had a mom. This doesn’t have to break us both. My gaze strays to Crux. “I need you not to be here,” I softly say to him.
Anger swirls in the dark depths of his stare and his brow creases, but he stands and leans down to my level. “I told you that even when you begged me to go, I would be here. I’m fucking here, Farren, to the goddamned end.”
Panic seizes my chest because I know that look. The one he thinks I miss when he’s trying to be gentle with me. I know him. On an elemental level, his emotions swirl in the same manner as my own, only they’re the harsh waves crashing into my soft shore.
“Whatever it is you don’t want me to know, I don’t care about it. Any of it. It’s you, Farren Hallewell, that I care about. The woman you’re becoming, the strength you exude with every damn breath you take. There isn’t a single thing in this world that could make me turn my back on you.” I want to sigh and fall into his arms at his words. I want to trust him. I want to believe that he knows himself better than I do and will stick around.
“It’s not good, Crux,” I whisper.
“Start slow,” Zack interrupts. “Start where it doesn’t expose you.” He sets a recorder on the table, and I couldn’t stop the tears if I tried.
“I tried to tell my mom once, you know.” I can’t look at anyone, but I feel Crux staring at me as his hold on my hand tightens. “She slapped me across the face and called me a liar. She told me to keep my stories to myself.”
“How old were you, Farren?” Veronica asks, and my throat constricts.
“Eleven.”
The air gets sucked out of the room. There’s no sound. No one breathes. But the ringing in my ears from the blood rushing through my veins makes my head spin.
“I pretended to be asleep, at first. He’d come into my room at night, circling my bed. I remember hearing this strange sound like when a dog licks himself. The sloppy noises he makes. It was like that…only disgusting. Dirty. Vile. I may have been young, but I wasn’t stupid.” I can taste the vomit in the back of my throat.
“Breathe, bird,” Crux encourages, and I try.
“Jeffrey.” My mouth dries at the use of his name. “Jeffrey, he would watch me around the house. Follow me around. Accidentally burst into the bathroom when I was showering. If Mom were home, he’d leave, if not, he’d watch. He fondled himself. I started showering at school or the rec center after that.” My skin crawls as I reveal more and more of my secrets.
“Did you ever tell anyone else?” Zack looks to me with hope in his stare. He wants corroboration. Someone else to be privy to what happened in my house.
“No. I was dirty. Everyone saw it. My friends abandoned me. My teachers slowly lost interest when I stopped responding. I was a lost cause.” I am a lost cause. I don’t understand why Crux wants me so much. I can’t be fixed.
With a hand under my chin, he lifts my head. “What don’t you want me to know, bird? What’s your secret?”
“I always felt paralyzed when he’d come into my room. Helpless. I thought if I didn’t move or make a sound that he’d leave faster. I wanted it to be over. I stopped begging him to stop. The word no stopped leaving my lips. I couldn’t stand the laughter when I’d ask.”
Turning his body so he’s sitting beside me, our hips touching, Crux wraps an arm around my shoulders. I should feel comforted. I feel shame. My skin still senses the repulsiveness of Jeffrey’s evil influence.
Shrugging Crux off, my heart hurts, but I stand and walk towards the windows with the view of the forest behind our houses. With this panorama, nothing is stopping me from running until I can’t run anymore. I would be free.
“There were times when he touched me, I would vomit repeatedly, and he wouldn’t stop. Not until he got what he wanted.” That hollow feeling returns to my gut. My heart rate is so low, I’m not sure anyone would register a stutter from the organ if they tried right now.
Crux doesn’t give up on me. Walking towards me, he sits in front of where I stand and waits. He has the patience of a saint. I did that to him, I suppose, when he went to prison. He had nothing but waiting time.
“There were times…” My voice catches, and I have to clear my throat. “He sometimes…” Christ, I can’t even say it. “I would…”
“It’s okay, Farren, we can take a break,” Veronica responds quietly. They can all sense it. They know just how disgusting I am.
“I can’t. If I do, I’ll never start again.” Sitting on the window bench, I crowd myself into the corner. Grabbing a pillow, I hide my face in it. Inhaling deeply, I force myself to say the words I wish weren’t true. “He forced orgasms out of me.”
A pin could drop ten miles away, and you’d hear it. I can’t look at anyone. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. When the world begins to go dark and tiny stars dance in front of my eyes, I welcome the solace that’s about to bless me.
Even if it brings the nightmares I’m forever trying to run from.
Crux
Now I know. Her secret. Her shame. I know.
And I don’t give two flying fucks. Not in the way she was likely imagining.
I could sense the moment the words were out of her mouth that her body was shutting down. I didn’t try to stop it. I know she needs to be free from the memories for a little while, so I adjust her body to lay flat on the bench and place another pillow under her head and a blanket over her body. I leave the one she was holding onto and open the window so she’s breathing fresh air and not feeling stifled when she wakes up.
“Tell me you can do something, Zack.” I can’t look at my best friend because if I do, and he says no, I might strangle him.
Before he can say anything, Veronica speaks up. “I don’t know about you boys, but I can’t let her mom go. I won’t.” I didn’t think the woman would. Zack said she was a hardass when it came to child abuse cases. “I will wait on the advice of all legal parties before I speak to the mother, though. I know that Farren is eighteen in a couple of weeks, but I’ll see what I can do about getting her emancipated immediately. Can I assume she’ll have a home here?”
“Yes.” There’s no question. “A restraining order against her mother, too.” I look back at the caseworker as she stands to leave. She nods and picks her things up before walking out the front door silently.
“I’ve got a doctor friend in the area. I’m going to give her a call to come see Farren,” Zack says before leaving the room.
I’m left with my little bird. Small, fragile, free.
Finally, just as she’s so fucking close to freedom, I bet she can taste it. Except it all keeps coming crashing back down around her. I can see how much she wants to let it all go and be norm
al. Every time she begins to move forward, something else happens, and she’s scrambling once again.
I’m restless, needing to do something to heal her pain as I watch her sleep. Her body is tense like she expects to be attacked when she should feel safe. I hate how much her abuse has affected every part of her life.
A clap of thunder rattles the windows, and Farren cries out but doesn’t wake. Turning one of the office chairs, I slide it over to where she lays and sit next to her. I need to be beside her. I want to hold her close. Tuck her away so no further damage can be done.
Placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, I lightly rub my thumb in comforting circles, hoping against all odds that she’ll know I’m here. At her worst, her best, and everything in between, I’ll always fucking be by her side.
I have a consuming desire to pull her into my lap but settle for leaning my head on her hip. Rain pelts against the window so hard it echoes around the quietness of the room. My heartbeat plays a tune only hers can match, and I finally admit to myself why I’m so fucking angry over her life.
I’m terrified she’ll leave me before I make her mine. She has every reason to. I’m a possessive bastard, and it’s not exactly what she needs. Even if I’d put her wants and needs before my own, I know she deserves so much fucking better than me.
I’m not some playboy like Crew is. I’ve had my share of women but none I could remember. Their presence in my life was always insignificant. Farren is the only woman who has ever caught my attention enough to hold it. She brings a light into my life I’ve craved and yearned for. For Farren, I could change into a man I’d never recognize but happily become if only it means I get to keep her.
“Crux?” Zack calls from behind. I turn to look at him and raise a brow in question. “Let’s go to the kitchen and talk.” I want to say no. I don’t want to leave her. I want to be here when she wakes up, to be her rock, but he gives me a look full of meaning.
“Sure.” I stand, and he leaves. Leaning forward, I brush the hair back from her face, kiss her forehead, and whisper, “I’ll be here, Farren. Always,” as I leave the room.
Entering the kitchen, Zack is sitting at the table, a glass of ice water in his hands and scrolling through something on his phone.
Resting against the counter, I cross my arms and wait for him to glance up at me. “What’s going on, man?”
He blows out a rough breath before twirling his glass between his fingers and answering me. “I’m going to be honest here.” I nod. “I fucking wish I’d known the extent of what happened to her before we started this.”
Narrowing my gaze, I ask why?
“Because, man, that girl is all kinds of fucked up from this asshole, and this, dragging her through a trial and appeals and every other piece of bullshit that comes from a case like this is going to fucking destroy her, Crux.” He looks worried, something my friend often is not.
“What are you saying here, Zack?” I’ll do whatever is best for her.
“Wait for her birthday and fucking run.” He half-laughs before turning serious again. “We need to have a serious talk with her about what’s going to happen. How this will play out if Scott Warner doesn’t take a deal. Ben, too.”
“Do you think she could win this?” I trust my friend. If he says no, I’ll talk Farren out of it.
“I do. She’s the kind of victim every prosecutor prays for because all of her emotions are on the surface. You can feel her pain. There wouldn’t be a judge or jury alive that wouldn’t side with her.”
“But?” I can feel it.
“But, her abuser is dead.” I get a hard look. “Farren makes a good witness as to the past of the family. Showing a pattern. It’s not hard to connect dots like that. Especially after you were convicted of Jeffrey’s murder because of how hard Davis went after you.”
“That evidence was planted, though.”
“I know. But the fact remains, you’ve been quite of vocal about it being true to Ben, and the defense attorney will ask him about you and your altercations. It can’t be hidden or undone. Especially because there have been other witnesses.” Zack already appears stressed about how things could play out.
Farren
As soon as Crux’s head touched my hip, I was awake. Though paralyzed by fear. I don’t know how to face him. To tell him that the only way I’ve had any pleasure was by a man who stole it from me.
I can barely look at myself in the mirror without wanting to vomit because of what happened. With my secret out now, I’m afraid that if I face him, he’ll see me for what I truly am.
Repulsive.
Filthy.
Used.
He’s done everything he can to prove to me that the two of us are going to work. This isn’t his fault, I’m appalling. The rest of the world knows it, I don’t understand how he doesn’t.
When he left the room with Zack, I was given a reprieve from the overwhelming desire I had to wrap my arms around his neck and beg him never to let me go. I want so much to be loved and accepted by him.
Let yourself, Ren.
Shut. Up.
The cursing from the kitchen doesn’t promise anything good. Rolling off the bench, I soundlessly wander to the room and hide behind the wall to hear them talk.
“Do you think she could win this?” I hear Crux ask.
“I do. She’s the kind of victim every prosecutor prays for because all of her emotions are on the surface. You can feel her pain. There wouldn’t be a judge or jury alive that wouldn’t side with her.” Great.
“But?”
“But, her abuser is dead.” Zack pauses. “Farren makes a good witness as to the past of the family. Showing a pattern. It’s not hard to connect dots like that. Especially after you were convicted of Jeffrey’s murder because of how hard Davis went after you.”
I hate how many reminders I’m always given of what Crux gave up for me. The life he could have had if I hadn’t ruined it.
Wasn’t your fault, girl. Except, wasn’t it? He wouldn’t have killed if not for what was happening to me, right? Are you sure about that, Ren?
I guess I have to ask myself…
Can I put my entire life on display to be judged? To be ridiculed and questioned?
It’s not even a question of if I can; I know I can.
I have to.
Stepping around the corner, I let the wall support me as I interrupt them. “I can do this. I have to do this.”
“Ren.” Crux turns to face me, and I can see he wants to come closer. I can see in his stare that he wants to open his arms and encourage me into his embrace. He holds back, though, and I don’t know what to do because I don’t understand why he’s hesitating.
“Christ,” Zack mutters and throws an ice cube at Crux, hitting his cheek.
“Dude!”
“Fucking hold the girl, you idiot.” He stands and walks towards me. I stiffen and straighten my relaxed stance as he comes closer. “You can do this, Ren, but I’m going to do my best to make sure you don’t have to.” Zack’s words ease some of the control I feel like I’m losing as he walks out of the room yelling back, “I’m taking Cross’ old room.”
The only sound for minutes after that is the rain as it bounces off the house. It’s soothing in a way. Knowing it’s waging a war outside while I have one happening inside my mind is strange but, also, relaxing.
“What are you thinking?” I ask Crux.
“How much I want to hold you.”
“Oh.” He still doesn’t move, and I’m beginning to feel insecure. “Why don’t you?” My head tilts to the side. Lord, how I wish I were normal. I wish I had the courage to walk over to him and glide into his arms.
“Because I don’t want you to be afraid of me. Of this intensity that makes me who I am. What I am.” Nothing about him scares me, but he doesn’t give me a chance to tell him that. “I want whatever it is you want.” His lips barely move, and anger enters his gaze.
“You don’t mean that.”
His head dr
ops to his chest and a huge sigh, full of so much turmoil, billows through him. “You’re right, I don’t mean that.” I begin to shake. Not because I’m cold but because, now, I am afraid. Was I right? Is he done with me? “Because what I want is for you to be in my arms every hour of every fucking day. By my side for every moment. In my bed every goddamned night.” The harsh emotion in his words freezes every cell in my body. “What I want is to control every fucking aspect of your life so you’re never hurt again. What I really fucking want is for you to want me as much as I fucking want you, ‘cause Ren, I’m fucking dying over here without you pressed into my body.”
Oh. My. Damn. Get your ass over there, Farren! How can I not?
I take a step, his head is still down, and a burst of speed hits me as I run into his embrace. Wrapping my arms around his neck just like I craved. He catches me and lifts me up, so my legs grip his hips, and he holds me so tight I can’t breathe. I don’t care, though. I don’t care about anything in this moment except for Crux holding me to his body. Showing me that he’s not done with me, proving that we’re only just getting started.
Chapter Nine
crux
Two Weeks Later.
Today is the hearing, and with the overwhelming evidence against Scott since Ben was brave enough to show the videos his dad had made of the two of them, things have moved at lightning speed. We’ll find out if the man pleads guilty or not today. If it works out the way we want, then a trial date can be set. Or the D.A has spoken about a plea deal so as not to traumatize Ben and Farren any further.
It’s something the two of them have been discussing with Zack and the social worker, Veronica, for the past two weeks. Farren was granted immediate emancipation because of the circumstances and because her mother signed off on it. Leslie is also under investigation for child abuse.