by Mia Allen
I was angry. I couldn’t believe that even my own mother didn’t give a flying fuck about me. However, I couldn’t fight it. She said her peace, so essentially, I had to listen.
“Fine. I’ll fucking try,” I said.
“Don’t try. Actually do it,” she told me.
It was then when the phone clicked off, causing me to tense up with annoyance. I began to feel agitated by everything. How could she do this to me? What the hell was I going to do? I began to grow even more pissed by the second, but I knew that I was going to lose it all if I didn’t make a decision fast.
“Fine. You all fucking win,” I said. It wasn’t like I’d be happy about this. In all honesty, I was pretty fucking pissed. But I wasn’t going to let this get the best of me. instead, I’ll take care of it on my own.
The next day, I went to class, this time actually being quiet. I hated that I had to swallow my pride. Robert and Caleb were both surprised at me, but at the same time, it was so obvious they knew it hurt. I hated it, I truly did. After class was over, I sat there waiting for everyone to leave before I took a deep breath, preparing for the humiliation of what I was about to say.
I meandered over to his desk, and when he looked up, he smiled at me.
“I take it you got the notice,” he said.
“Yeah I did. And I hate it. But I’m not going to let you guys get the best of me. I’m doing this for myself because I don’t want to lose what I already have. I need help. I want to pass this class,” I said.
“The first thing you should do is do your homework,” he said sardonically.
This bastard! I hated him, but I simply nodded.
“I will sir. But I also need some tutoring. Is it okay if I get help from you?” I asked him.
He paused, looking at me and trying to see if I was joking.
“Are you sure?” he asked me.
“Yeah. I’m sure,” I told him with my head to the side. I felt shameful, but at the same time, I knew I needed all of the help I could get.
He pursed his lips, and I hoped he wasn’t going to embarrass me. He then nodded, understanding my needs.
“Very well. But don’t think I’m going to go easy on you. You’re going to have to come to the tutoring sessions. Both Caleb and I will help you,” he said.
I nodded, taking all of this in. God, I hated it. I hated that he got some sort of fucked up satisfaction from it, but at the same time, I wasn’t doing this for him, but for myself.
“Very well. You’ll see me there,” I said.
“I hope so. I want you to do well Casey. Maybe knocking off that attitude will help,” he said.
I doubted it, and I didn’t need this fucker to tell me that. I simply scoffed, turning around and walking away.
“So tomorrow?” I asked.
“Yes. Does four work?” he asked.
Great, I’d have to do it after all my classes. I didn’t want to, but I guess I will. I mean, having a beer would be ten times better, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.
“Sure,” I replied.
He nodded, smiling at me with a smirk. “Good. Then I’ll see you then,” he said.
I grimaced, already regretting everything about this. But, it had to be done, and I mean, maybe Robert and I can work out our differences. Or maybe I’m just overthinking shit again and hoping too much.
Chapter 3
I didn’t want to do this, but I kept my promises. The next day, I went to his class once more, giving him a small smile. There was something about him that made the whole experience slightly more tolerable this time around. Maybe because he did care enough to help me, even though I wanted to gag at the concept.
After my classes, I went over to his office once more. I knocked at the door, and after a moment or so, Caleb answered.
“There you are. I was wondering if you’d even show up,” he joked.
“Of course I would. I mean, I made the appointment. No sense in canceling,” I said. I wanted to cancel, but I knew that the wrath of my parents and the idea of struggling was just as unpalatable.
“Come on in. Let’s get this show on the road,” he said.
I walked inside, seeing the spot in the middle of where their books were. I perched myself there, and when I looked at Robert, instead of having a serious face all the time, he looked almost happy.
“Glad you made it,” he said.
“Yeah,” I simply replied.
“Anyway, you want to get started?” he asked.
“I mean, it’s not like there is anything else I could do,” I muttered in response.
He looked at me, seeing the disdain in my eyes, before we started to work on everything. The first part of the lesson was really just going over the stuff from today.
“See, as you can tell, it’s actually not that complicated. What’s the issue you have?” he asked.
I flushed. Did I really tell him the truth? About the reason why I suck at this class over all of them.
“Well… I have a lot of trouble remembering dates and such. Plus, you always ask me to write these essays. I feel like my writing is shit,” I told him.
“Nonsense. You doubt yourself far too much,” he said.
“I used to be the same way Casey. It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that my writing wasn’t all that bad. I always thought that I’d never become a teacher, let alone do anything of that nature. But I’m glad that I persevered. I mean, if you need to talk to someone about this, I kind of feel for you. Let’s just say, I have my own doubts too, but I have overcome them. You can as well,” he told me with a grin.
I blushed. This guy was always so damn positive. It felt weird, especially considering how negative everyone was. I mean, did he do this because he liked me as a student? Or something more.
“I guess,” I said.
“Stop doubting yourself. We both believe in you,” he replied.
It was then when I looked at both Robert and him. I mean, I wasn’t going to lie, but looking at them made my heart flutter. Why was it like that? Was it because they were the first to really care about me? To agree to tutor me and actually help me? I blushed, but then, I started to speak.
“It’s a bit of a personal problem. I’m good in other classes, and I can remember stuff, but it’s always dates and crap. I’m so bad at them,” I said.
“Well, let’s work in a way to help you remember dates better,” he said.
He sat there, writing a few down. We worked on it, and while I still did struggle at the end of the time, it wasn’t as bad as it was before. It seemed to get easier, at least for me. The tutoring session went about a half-hour longer than we expected, and in truth, I didn’t really want to leave. Both of these men really helped me out, actually caring enough to assist me with the problems I had. Once we finished, I looked at them, blushing red.
“Thank you,” I simply said.
“For what?” Robert asked.
“For staying with me. I mean, I didn’t expect this to go so late, but it did,” I said.
“It’s no problem,” he replied. He gave me a look, and so did Caleb. It was then when I felt it again.
The fluttering in my heart. What did this all mean? I began to turn away, feeling almost ashamed about this. I didn’t want any sorts of feelings to get in the way. I was only here because of my mom, for she didn’t want me to fail. I didn’t want to fail, so why was I catching feelings?
I shrugged it off. I’m sure they’ll go away soon enough. “Thanks,” I said. I left the room, heading over to my dorm once more. While I normally just drank and did a bit of homework, tonight I worked a bit more on some homework, not even drinking at all. It was the first time in a long time I hadn’t done that, and normally I didn’t pay mind to it, but it was a bit strange.
What was happening to me? I had one stupid study session, and now I feel like everything is changing. Why? What was going on? All of these questions seemed to fill my mind, making me wonder if there was something else there. I didn’t
know for sure, but I guess I’ll try to figure it out when the time was right.
People are strange, and I hate emotions. It’s why I normally try to drown them out, but that’s proving not to be possible with this. I mean, maybe I should just let the emotions invade my mind. Not that I would mind it, but who knows.
“You like her, don’t you?” the voice said to Robert as he sat there, drumming his fingers.
Robert looked up, staring at Caleb with a blush. “Nonsense. I can’t. I have a repute to uphold,” he said.
“You don’t have to pretend Robert. It’s obvious from the way you speak to her you like her,” Caleb said, cutting through the façade.
Robert sighed, sitting there and dusting the plaque he had.
“You know, that’s easier said than done. I mean, if anyone finds out about this, I’m screwed,” he said.
Caleb nodded. He knew both of them were supposed to be morally-sound teachers, and in a school like this, if even word was breathed that you’re seeing a student, you get ousted.
“That’s right. And I’m still an intern. This is bad,” he said.
“I know. I feel terrible for doing this. It’s just…I can’t help it. I mean, I’ve never found anyone worth liking before. I’m always stuck working, always pretending to be the serious teacher that everyone enjoys, but let’s face it, I can’t let this go on forever. I have feelings too,” Robert said. In truth, he knew that his family had been talking about him finding a wife and a kid. He was nearly thirty. His parents were getting antsy, but the idea of finding love proved to be much harder than he believed.
“I know. I like her too, but if I even show affection of that nature to anyone, I can kiss this internship goodbye. My dreams of being a teacher, of making my parents proud, of everything… it would be for nothing,” he said.
They both had a lot at stake. Robert sighed, turning to the other.
“Let’s see how this goes. Maybe we can keep our feelings quelled over time,” he said.
“I’ll try. But even then, can we really make this work?” he asked.
“Maybe. You never know. Sometimes stranger things have happened,” he said.
“You’re right. Thanks Robert,” he said.
“No problem. But keep this a secret for now,” he said.
The two of them continued to finish grading, knowing they shouldn’t’ be thinking about her. All of the risks that this would entail, the potential for them to lose their jobs held above their heads. There was so much wrong with this, and yet, neither of them could say no.
They couldn’t’ resist these feelings, even if they tried.
Chapter 4
I got some more tutoring, seeing them both twice a week. It really helped, and it honestly kept me on track. I managed to get the assignments done, and I knew that this was indeed exactly what I needed.
However, that didn’t ease my weird thoughts. Instead of having them go away, potentially as nothing more than a mere product of maybe just the closeness, they started to get worse. All the time I was blushing when they looked at me, feeling tense whenever our hands touched, the whole nine yards. Why the hell was I like this? I hated it! I didn’t want feelings, but they seemed to continue to bother me.
However, I did notice that they weren’t as in-my-face about positivity, which was nice, and I didn’t mind that, out at the same time I missed it. It was obvious that something was wrong, but I guess they won’t tell me. Oh well.
One day, once we finished the initial studies, I began to look at both of them with a glance.
“You know, things have gotten way easier for me since you two began to help me. I thank you for that,” I said.
“You’re very welcome. I take it that changes are happening in other areas of your life?” Robert asked.
Do I tell them the truth? About what’s been going through my mind? I didn’t want to admit anything weird, but I needed to tell someone about this.
“Yeah. Listen, if you can promise to keep a secret, I’ll let you know. I swear, I’m not doing drugs or anything. It’s just… embarrassing that’s all,” I said to them.
They leaned in, listening to my worries.
“What’s up?” Caleb asked. I looked into his blue eyes, seeing the contrast between him and Robert, yet they both had short, brown hair.
“It’s about my life. Honestly, up until this point, I never really cared about my future. I always had everything handed to me. My father is a world-renowned surgeon and my mother is a fashion designer. I’ve never really followed in either of their footsteps, which is why I always felt like the odd girl out. I mean, I figured out what I want to do with my life. I want to be a biologist, and honestly, this class was there as a requirement for my degree, which was part of the reason why I hated it. I don’t care about history, and I feel bad telling you this,” I said.
They listened to me, and I’m glad that they didn’t care all that much about me saying that their class sucked in my mind.
“Understandable. It’s not like you wanted to have this as a requirement and shit. I’ve been there before,” he told me. Robert knew of his time in grad school where he had to take things in order to appease people. His whole life was like that.
“Yeah. It kind of made me think in that light, and I feel bad. I mean, both of you are pretty amazing, really nice, and honestly it’s been refreshing to really get to know you people. But before this, I hated it. I hated coming to class, dealing with you, mostly because I thought you were an arrogant bastard, and even doing the work. Now that I get to know you though, I know you’re not just some boring teacher. You’re actually a pretty great person. Same to you Caleb,” I said.
“Thank you,” Robert said with a smile.
“Yeah, thanks,” Caleb replied.
I looked at them, feeling a growing concern in my heart. Compassion was also something I never really showed until now, but I could tell from the downcast look Caleb gave me, something was wrong.
“You seem upset,” I said.
Caleb looked at me, shocked I even saw that. “Wow, I’m surprised you noticed,” he said.
“Well this whole experience has awakened a more selfless side of me,” I admitted. It was weird to care about others, but I guess it takes a bit of getting used to.
Caleb took a deep breath, looking at me with concern. “What you said… about others always wanting you to follow in their footsteps, I kind of get that. I mean, I don’t really tell people about my past, but I can trust you. I’m a teacher because I want to be, but my parents often don’t appreciate that I’m not working in their company. It fucking sucks, but I want to do this. The stress of the situation, always putting forward airs that don’t’ feel right, it just… it takes a lot out of you, you know,” he said.
Wow. He got deep. But I did understand that, and I immediately smiled. “I get that. I mean, I guess we all put a front every day. But the best way to achieve our goals is to prove others wrong,” I said.
“Indeed. I’m the same way. I’ve got to pretend I’m some serious teacher, but I’ve got family barking at my neck to get married. It’s honestly driving me crazy, especially since it’s really hard to connect with someone. Honestly Casey, you’re the first woman I’ve ever told that to. I mean, maybe there is a woman like that out there for me,” he said.
I blushed. Was he suggesting something else? I am terrible at reading people, and this was definitely one of those moments.
“Right. We just need to keep our head up. Keep proving others wrong. Maybe expressing our true feelings is the way to go,” I said.
There was an awkward silence, an obvious sign that both men were confused. I was too, but I didn’t want to let them know that.
I nodded. “Anyway, thank you, both of you. You two have really helped me figure out a lot of things. Hopefully, I’ll figure out even more as time goes on. You’ve helped me feel less lonely too,” I said. They really have. I haven’t drank in a bit, and I didn’t feel the need to. I didn’t want to ac
t out anymore. It’s like they inspired me to be a better person.
There was a pause, and I really hope this wasn’t going to end badly. However, I could tell they both took the compliment, grinning.
“Well, I’m glad we can help with the loneliness. You’ve helped us both out too,” Robert said. He did want to say what he wanted to feel in that moment, but the consequences still ate at his heart.
“You really have. It’s totally weird, but yeah. I should get going,” I awkwardly said, getting my books from the desk.
“Remember, if you ever need anything, you can let us know. If you want, we’ll help you throughout the rest of the semester,” Robert said. He was determined to. Maybe then, he could finally settle the feelings within him.
“Yeah, I love the experience as well. It’s really helping me. Plus, you’re a great girl, despite our initial encounter,” Caleb added. He did feel like his endeavors were worth it now, especially since he could see the change.
I blushed, feeling a bit embarrassed about the way I acted in the past.
“It’s all right. I mean, we didn’t know. I’m sorry for acting like a dick too. It’s easier now though. Now that I’ve sorted this out kind of,” I said. I headed out of the classroom, still stuck in my thoughts, but maybe this time away would help. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
The next session wasn’t much easier. I still felt like nothing was sorted out, and I still felt a strange feeling from both of them. It was obvious they wanted to tell me something but they didn’t for some reason. I sat there, pursing my lips as I looked at the study guide.
“Is there something the matter?” Caleb asked, when I bit my lip as I tried to write something down.
“Yeah, but it’s nothing to concern yourself with. Just weird thoughts,” I added.
“You can tell me. Trust me, I think we’ve gotten past the weird thoughts being held back,” Caleb joked.