I loved Sunny and Claudia with all my heart. Still, it was hard to be the one who was constantly hearing about their dates, hearing about the guys who asked them out, and actually watching guys hit on them, while it was always so hard for me.
Our business frat party was tonight, and I was equal parts looking forward to it and dreading it. I’d promised Sunny that I would actually talk to Trevor this time, and let him know how I felt about him. Neither Sunny nor Grace knew exactly why this was so hard for me; I had been too embarrassed to tell them the whole truth.
I had avoided dating in high school, so I only had one boyfriend. That was it. And I didn’t really think he counted, since we only dated for like five days during our freshman year. Then I chickened out and dumped him.
“You wrote me a poem?” I had asked Bryan, my “boyfriend.” The word had felt so foreign to me…like a shoe that was way too big for your foot. I hadn’t really been ready for anything it entailed, and for some of my classmates, that was a lot.
I wasn’t ready to go on dates or make out at parties. I liked boys; a lot, actually. But they made me nervous. They made me blush and they gave me anxiety. And sometimes, that was just too much.
Bryan had been my lab partner in biology class. We were great friends, at least I’d thought so. I had a little bit of a crush on him. He was tall with dark curly hair and astonishingly blue eyes, and was such a sweet guy. He didn’t make me nervous like some of the other boys did, so when the teacher paired us up, I was okay with it. I was able to be myself with him, most of the time.
One day when we had been working on an experiment during class, Bryan got really quiet. I’d figured he was just focusing on the experiment, wanting to get the best grade possible. Turned out, I was wrong. Very wrong. And I hadn’t been prepared for what happened next.
“I, um…I need your advice. As a girl.”
“Okay. Shoot,” I’d said.
Bryan fidgeted with the lab equipment, and avoided my eyes. “There’s this girl. And I like her. I’m not sure what to do.”
“Oh. Well then, tell her,” I said, always willing to give other people advice on seizing opportunities. I just didn’t follow my own advice.
“Are you sure I should? I, uh…I don’t know if she likes me back.” His brow was knitted and his fingers were shaking a little as he clicked his pen on the black lab table.
Weird.
“Yeah, I mean…what do you have to lose, right?” I said, shrugging before placing my elbows on the table.
“Okay,” he said and was silent for about two seconds.
One…two…
“I like you,” he blurted out. And even though he was looking at me, directly into my eyes, in fact, I looked behind me. God, I was such a loser sometimes.
“Wait, um…what?” I asked, in shock. I even looked behind me again to see if he was really speaking to someone else.
“You, Grace. I like you.”
“Wow.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. My heart was racing in a complete panic, and I had no idea what to do.
“So?” he asked, his eyes beginning to glisten.
Crap. I didn’t want to upset him.
“That…um…that makes me…happy?”
It sounded like a question as it left my lips, but he lit up like a freaking Christmas tree and took my hand in his. “Really?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. So I nodded, wondering what the heck I was getting myself into. Bryan was holding my hand less than two seconds after I admitted that I kinda-sorta liked him back. Because I did. Kinda…sorta.
“Will you go out with me?” he asked, again looking so innocent and so excited. I couldn’t break his heart. Being the people-pleaser that I was, I nodded again, trying to force a smile to cross my lips, but I was terrified. Completely terrified.
We were a couple for five days. Five days of holding hands, sitting together at lunch, and talking on the phone in the evenings. On day five, we were standing in front of my locker before biology class when he handed me a poem. A poem he’d written for me.
“Read it,” he said with a proud smile on his face. “I meant every word.”
“Oh. Okay,” I managed to say.
“See you in class.” Bryan slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked confidently to our classroom as I stood with my mouth agape in front of my locker, wishing I could crawl inside it and hide from the world. The poem was intense. Like, really intense and it scared me, especially the final line: Gracie, I love you.
I love you? It had been five days! We hadn’t even kissed yet. How on earth could this fourteen-year-old boy really think he was in love…with me? My neck began to sweat, and I felt hot and uncomfortable. The hallway had been cool enough just a minute ago, but now it was sweltering. My mom had panic attacks, and I could only assume that was what was happening. I was in full panic mode.
I stuffed the poem into my folder and walked slowly to the nurse’s office. Instead of going back to class, I escaped by calling my mom and asking her to pick me up. When I got home I hid in my bedroom, refusing to take any phone calls.
Tears streamed from my eyes all evening. I cried because I panicked, I cried because I wanted to feel that way for Bryan. Mostly I cried for Bryan, knowing after he tried calling me for the second time and I refused his call, that I had undoubtedly broken his heart.
He never spoke to me again.
That was it. My entire history with guys while in high school. I had crushes, yet never attempted to do anything about them. And I stayed aloof enough that boys usually didn’t pay much attention to me anyway.
Now I had two best friends who wanted more for me. And I had to admit that at eighteen years old, I wanted more too. I was so nervous about the party tonight. I had such a crush on Trevor, who was pledging our business fraternity, but I was overcome with nerves. When I had a crush on a guy, anxiety overwhelmed me so much that I had no idea how to behave. Yet when I was just friends with a guy, I was totally fine and comfortable in my own skin. Frustrating!
Sunny and Claudia gave me instructions on how to behave with Trevor. I was to flirt, to laugh, to dance, and to have as much fun as possible with him. Not sure if I could handle all that, I insisted that Claudia and Sunny were to help me with my confidence, boost me up if I seemed unsure of myself, and to give me advice throughout the evening.
Of course, I knew my friends. They would not be at my beck and call all evening, because they had no intention of being wallflowers. They had both worn their cutest outfits in the hope of catching some eyes. I just hoped those eyes wouldn’t belong to Trevor.
One of our frat friends greeted us at the door. Angie was our pledge master and someone who definitely had her very own style. She didn’t let anyone tell her what to do, what to wear, or how to act. I always admired that about her, even though it intimidated the crap out of me. It made her original, and when you attended a school with thirty-four thousand students, some originality was definitely necessary when finding people to connect with. I knew I wasn’t original, so I loved having friends who were.
“Hey, girls. You look gorgeous,” she said, tipping her hipster glasses. She’d changed her nose piercing. The last time I saw her, it was a simple diamond stud. Tonight it was a hoop, and I liked it. Her My Little Pony T-shirt was definitely not something I’d ever wear. Yet when I saw how the cotton hugged her breasts, I wished I had the confidence to wear something like that. To be comfortable with attention instead of avoiding it.
It was crowded, the apartment already filled with people carrying the standard red plastic cups.
“There are so many people here. I think all the pledges brought their friends. This place is busting at the seams!” Claudia said.
“Is, um, Trevor here?” I asked quietly, my cheeks already starting to turn crimson. I looked around to make sure no one else was listening to the conversation, but I trusted Angie. She didn’t gossip and she didn’t tease.
“I don’t know,” Angie said. �
�I haven’t seen him yet. Look around, I’m sure you’ll find him.” She smiled as she grabbed her cell phone. “I have to make a call and it’s way too loud in here. Go on in.”
We each paid our five-dollar cup fee and headed toward the kitchen. I was beginning to get nervous, my hands shaking and sweat beading on my neck. Sunny gave me an understanding glance. She knew exactly what I was thinking. What she didn’t know was that I was ready to make a run for it.
“Gracie, honey, remember,” she said reassuringly. “If things with Trevor don’t go as planned, don’t let it bother you. There are tons of guys here. Just remember to have fun.”
“That’s right!” Claudia said. “C’mon, let’s find the keg.” She grabbed my arm and walked toward the kitchen with determination.
God, I envied her confidence. Claudia acted as if she didn’t have a care in the world. Sometimes I wondered if it was just a facade, but she was so consistent that I had to doubt my own theory.
As we entered the kitchen, I saw Trevor. When our eyes met he smiled, and his brown eyes widened. They were so beautiful. My heart started to thump in my chest, but I tried my best to ignore it. This was my chance and I wanted to take it.
“Hey, Trevor,” I said with excitement.
“Hi, Grace,” Trevor stammered as he slowly eased over toward me. “You look awesome!”
His words were slurred. Crap, he was trashed. And it was only ten o’clock.
“Do you wanna go outside with me?” he asked as he placed his hand on my shoulder, just trying to stay upright.
I eased my arm around him so he wouldn’t fall into the kitchen counter. Desperately, I glanced at my friends for help. My face probably looked pained; I was sure my forehead was creased with worry. We hadn’t planned for this scenario.
They looked somewhat concerned, but Sunny gave me a look urging me to go with him.
Finally I said, “Sure, maybe for a little while.”
He gave me the widest grin and it made me feel a little better. Claudia quickly slipped a beer into my free hand and smiled at us as we walked onto the balcony.
“I’m so glad you came tonight,” Trevor said with a goofy smile.
“Same here.”
As I searched for something to talk with him about, he leaned in closer, his face suddenly serious. “You are?”
“Yeah. Why do you seem so surprised?”
“Because I dig you, Grace. I dig you big-time.”
Wow.
“Really?” I was stunned. All this working up to telling him how I felt, and he already felt the same way?
“Hell, yeah,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I got here early, just so I wouldn’t miss you.” He put his hands on the railing to stabilize himself, while keeping his eyes on me.
Well, that explained why Trevor was so drunk already. At least I didn’t have to Google A.A. when I got back to the dorms.
Strangely enough, my neck wasn’t sweating. My pulse was starting to even out, and there was no sign of a panic attack on the horizon. Maybe this dating business wasn’t so difficult. Maybe it just took a few cocktails to help everyone loosen up. Maybe I could like a guy, maybe I could relax enough to actually date.
As I opened my mouth to respond, Trevor doubled over, clutching his stomach.
I screamed as he fell to the floor. He grasped my legs tightly as he heaved and vomited, right onto my brand new ballet flats.
Oh. My. God.
Claudia and Sunny rounded the corner, and when they saw what was happening their eyes grew wide. I looked at them in horror, silently pleading with them to help me.
“I’ll get some paper towels,” Sunny said, and ran back into the apartment. Claudia turned away from me, her shoulders shaking. I could tell she was holding back laughter. Of course Claudia would find this funny; she didn’t have to worry about things like this. No one ever puked on her.
Two of Trevor’s buddies picked him up and carried him out of the apartment. As they left, Sunny returned and washed my shoes. They were ruined…and so was my night. I had finally gotten a real chance with Trevor and it was gone. I’d finally been faced with a guy who was interested in me—genuinely interested—and I wasn’t panicking. So much for that.
Even though my shoes were cleaned, I knew I could never wear them again. I would never be able to wear them knowing that my chance with Trevor had ended like this.
“I loved those shoes.” I sobbed into Sunny’s shoulder as she walked me home to the dorms. Claudia had stayed with Angie and would be home later. Secretly, I was relieved. I felt much more comfortable with Sunny when I was embarrassed like this.
“Oh, sweetie, I know,” she said in a soothing voice. She was such a good friend, always there for me when I needed her.
“Is it me, Sunny? Am I that un-dateable?”
“Of course not!” she said.
“Then why is it that the only guy who has expressed any interest at all in me just puked all over my favorite shoes?”
The sting of tears pierced my eyes. So desperately, I wanted to sink into myself and hide from the world. I felt so exposed, so naked with my pain.
“Oh, Gracie, no!” Sunny said as she rubbed my back lightly. “Trevor probably had too much to drink because he was nervous to see you.”
“Maybe,” I said, wiping my eyes. “But why do I have such bad luck?”
“I don’t know.” Sunny shrugged. “Don’t worry, things will perk up. We’re just starting our freshman year. The possibilities are endless.”
“True,” I said, trying so hard not to be a pessimist.
“And who knows,” she added. “Maybe you and Trevor will get another chance?”
Her optimism was contagious, but not contagious enough.
“I can’t even think about that. Do you know how much these shoes cost me? I just got them! Ugh!” I hung my head, wiping away the stray tears running down my swollen cheeks.
Sunny took my hand and led me into our dorm. Our friend Kelly was studying in the floor lounge. She looked up as we came through and gave us a big smile.
“How was the party? How was the guy, Grace?”
I stuck out my foot, revealing the evidence of Trevor’s sickness. “He puked on my shoes, Kelly. The drunk ass puked on my shoes!”
Tears started to form in my eyes all over again. This was such a nightmare. Without another word, I turned and walked toward my room.
“Is she okay?” Kelly asked Sunny, clearly concerned, and probably feeling guilty for even asking about Trevor. And now I felt bad for making her feel bad. Ugh. I couldn’t win.
Being the caretaker she was, Sunny quickly said something reassuring to Kelly and followed me to my room. She helped me out of my disgusting shoes and tucked me into my bed.
“You listen to me, Grace,” she said as she stroked my hair from my eyes. “This was just one bad night.”
“I don’t know, Sun. I feel like it’ll just be more of the same.”
“No way,” she said in a reassuring tone. “In a few months, we’ll be laughing about it.”
I rolled my eyes and grunted, showing my sarcastic side. But Sunny knew that I desperately wanted to believe her.
“Tomorrow, we’re going out again,” she said brightly. “Let’s just go, have a great time, and not plan for anything to happen, okay?”
“All right.” I was too exhausted to argue with her. Deep down, I knew she was right. “Thank you, Sunny. For taking care of me, and for being there. It means a lot,” I said, reaching out for her hand.
“I know.” She smiled. “Get some rest, Gracie.”
After she left, I lay there in my bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering if things would ever change for me. I hoped that one day I’d be able to approach life in a different way, that I’d feel confident in myself and be comfortable dating like Claudia and Sunny were. But would that ever happen?
Could I allow it to happen?
Chapter 5
Coffeehouse
Claudia
&nbs
p; Saturday, Halloween
There was way too much drama last night, more than I could handle, and I suspected that tonight would be more of the same. Grace was a wonderful and sensitive girl, but…my goodness! She put way too much stock into sparking something with Trevor; it almost seemed bound to fail. That girl had issues.
She would want to talk about it this morning. Sunny was much better suited to handle Grace’s insecurities and complaints. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Grace; I did…honestly. Even so, she drove me crazy. I couldn’t handle her when she was like this. I wanted to fix things for her, but she didn’t seem to want to make things better for herself. And if she couldn’t do that, how in the hell was I supposed to do it for her?
A huge calculus test was coming up on Monday and with the Halloween party tonight, I knew studying wouldn’t sound so appealing tomorrow. So I decided to walk a few blocks to the local coffee place. The thought of a quiet nook to study and a delicious steaming cup of coffee sounded incredibly enticing. That way I couldn’t get sucked into anyone’s drama.
I used to be all about the drama. My best friend growing up, Darcy, always sucked me into her drama vortex and didn’t want to let me go. Darcy could make anything into a dramatic three-act play, a one-woman show that lasted for days instead of hours. And I was always seated in the front row.
My parents didn’t approve of my friendship with Darcy. Whenever I’d spent quite a bit of time at her house, my mother complained that I was full of attitude and my father called me “impossible.” The truth was, I felt empowered.
I had suspected the real reason they didn’t want my adolescent self spending the night at Darcy’s house was her twin brother, Darren. Darren wasn’t the best-looking guy in our class, but he was one of the nicest. He was cozy and safe, and the brother of my best friend.
Sorority of Three: Freshman 101 Page 4