“Hi.” She heard that familiar voice coming from the right of her, and she turned. How long could she not breathe she wondered.
“Hey,” she said, and tried very hard not to look or sound like she would fall apart at any moment.
I can do this, I repeated over and over in my mind, over and over… over and over… Had it really been almost three years since I’ve seen him?
“I’m so glad to see you here,” he said.
‘Oh that look,’ she thought as he leaned in and placed a kiss on her cheek.
She laughed, “I couldn’t pass up the big one!”
“I wondered,” he said. He never changed, he was still as beautiful as the very first moment she saw him, all those years ago. “How have you been?”
“Great,” she said trying not to sound shaken. “Busy!”
She looked up and Roddy was quickly making his way toward them. Her savior…
“Hey!” he said in a jovial voice, as he grabbed Beth with one of his big hugs “Beth, radiant as ever!”
“Happy Birthday!” It relieved her not to look at Andy for a moment.
“My favorite people in all-the world are all here with me tonight!” Roddy took her trembling hand and held it. “She looks great doesn’t she?” he said and looked to Andy.
“Beautiful,” he replied.
“There’s John,” he said scanning the room and he waved. “Have you met John, Andy?”
“No, I’ve not had the pleasure,” he said as his eyes lingered on Beth’s.
“John, Andy Stevens,” Roddy said, and Andy extended his hand.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Andy said, and then added, “You are a lucky man. Beth, it was good to see you.” He gave a nod in her direction and walked to where Nathan and Dina stood watching the exchange.
Not ‘Bethy’ any longer. Maybe he had moved on as well.
John leaned to kiss her, as if to mark his territory. Andy stayed across the room the rest of the evening, but always, always, he was watching her, and she knew that because she was watching him.
~ ~ ~
Roddy still sent those tapes to her to have a listen before Andy released something they thought she should know about, and she was always glad when he did. She made sure to listen so there were no surprises after the last one that slipped by. Many of the songs he wrote were still based on their relationship and his ‘aloneness’ without her. She knew because she knew his heart, his style, and she knew what they had shared. She still played his music. He was still her favorite artist, and she guessed he always would be.
~ ~ ~
In March 1997, John and Beth’s life was about to take yet another course, they found out she was pregnant. They were both excited, but John was over the moon. He painted the baby’s room pink, and every day came home with something very girlie to add. An early sonogram revealed what John hoped. It was a very exciting time. Carlee Elizabeth Oliver was born on December 1, 1997.
Their lives became busy and full and then the world as Beth knew it changed, yet again.
193
Rock and Roll Never Forgets
Chapter Twenty~Three
September 2001 brought great turmoil to their lives. It was a Thursday morning, and John was still in bed. He and Beth were talking, as they did every morning. They discussed the day ahead and what was on their agendas. John had the TV tuned to the morning news and Beth was just out of the shower standing in front of the mirror, naked, starting her usual morning routine, dressing for a meeting. Suddenly John became very quiet.
“Beth, come here.” There was a strange tone to his voice, and she thought something horrible had just been reported. The country had just been through the horrors of September eleventh days earlier, and Beth wondered ‘what now?’
She walked over to the bed and bent to kiss him, “What is it, honey?”
“Turn around,” he said. And she did. He reached up and touched a place on her bottom, just above the panty line of her left cheek. It wasn’t a caress, he was exploring, and she laughed.
“What are you doing?”
“How long has this been there?”
She turned and looked over her shoulder. “What are you talking about?”
He pointed out a mole.
“Oh that, I reckon it’s been there longer than I can remember. I think it’s a birthmark or something.” She started to walk away, but he grabbed her hand and held it to keep her where she was. “What John?”
He had a tone of concern in his voice as he said, “How have we not noticed that before? Beth, it’s ugly.”
She laughed and said; “Thank you very much!”
“I’m serious, have you ever had it checked?”
“No,” she said, his concern scaring her.
“Has it gotten bigger?”
“I don’t know. It’s just a mole.”
But his whole mood had changed in an instant. “Please have that examined as soon as possible.”
She told him she would, making mental note to call a doctor. Back in the bathroom, she turned and looked closer in the mirror.
Maybe it is bigger, maybe it does look different. I can’t be sure. It’s been there for years, it’s probably nothing…
Several days went by, and John asked when she was seeing the dermatologist. She admitted that it had completely slipped her mind. The mole had been there so long she just didn’t even think about it, couldn’t remember when it wasn’t there. She told him she would, that she’d just been busy. But John picked up the phone and made the call..
“We go tomorrow,” he told her.
The appointment was with a dermatologist, Dr. Fred Wright, and they went together. He examined the mole, and with a very serious tone to his voice, said; “I want to remove it. How long since you noticed it change?”
“I don’t know, didn’t really realize it had, I guess,” she said. “OK, we’ll get it taken care of. I’ll make the arrangements.”
“Now Beth, I want to take it off now. I want to send it off immediately. I don’t like the way it looks. Are you familiar with Melanoma?”
Melanoma… I felt panic rise in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I work for the Cancer Foundation; of course I was familiar.
“I want to have this evaluated quickly.”
He took it off right there in the office. It didn’t seem such a big deal. A shot to numb, four stitches, a little discomfort sitting and a bit of pain and she was on her way.
Carlee was at a ‘Mommy’s Day Out’ at church and Beth was home alone the next day working, making preparations for an upcoming Cancer Foundation event. She’d been on the phone all morning and when she finally hung it up it rang instantly.
“Beth, it’s Dr. Wright. I have the results.”
“Wow,” she said and tried not to sound alarmed, it was the doctor, not an office staffer or nurse, “that was fast.”
“I rushed it through,” he explained. “I want you and John in my office as soon as you can get here.”
“What is it?”
“Come to the office,” he said. “We’ll talk when you get here.”
She called John and told him to meet her there.
“No,” he said. “I don’t want you driving. I’ll be there as quick as I can.”
As she waited for him she called Kimmy and asked her to pick up Carlee. “What is it Beth? Something’s wrong, I can tell it from the tone of your voice.”
Beth told her briefly what was going on. A short time later John came into the house, he held her close and she cried. Fear finally set it.
Suddenly those words “I have the results” kept ringing in her head. “It’s something bad isn’t it?” John didn’t answer her.
They drove in silence. She held John’s hand, probably squeezed it to a bruise, but she didn’t want to let him go. She wanted to hold on to the strength he provided her, the stability she longed for her whole adult life.
As they drove, Beth looked over at him. He was so tense, his jaw so firmly set. He
was always intense, but at that moment it was clearer. His fear mirrored her-own. It was the longest ride she had ever taken. The twenty-minute drive to the doctor’s office seemed an eternity. When they arrived they went into the doctor’s office, not an exam room. A few moments later Dr. Wright entered.
He cut right to the chase. “Beth, the biopsy results…” “Unclear margins…” “Cancerous cells…” “All those years lying on the beach…” “Sunscreen…” “The sun…” she heard broken sentences as she tried to process everything he was saying, “A form of skin cancer…”
“We need to do some tests, check lymph nodes; do blood work, chest x-rays, CT scan and a PET scan. We need to see where we are with this thing. I think we need go ahead and schedule surgery to get as much of the mole as we can. I’d like to go ahead and admit you tomorrow to do the tests so you’ll be right there. I’ll be in touch with the surgeon as we get results.”
“Tomorrow?” She tried to focus. She tried to listen, tried to grasp every word, but her mind raced. She was making mental lists as she always did, trying to figure everything out, Carlee, work… She knew, as always, John was already two steps ahead of her.
“We’ll do whatever we need,” he said to the doctor, looking at Beth as he spoke.
The next morning John and Beth were at the hospital at seven, and immediately they started running tests. Later, Beth was lying in bed resting; John was with her. There was a knock on her door. Dr. Wright entered and had another doctor with him.
This can’t be good…
“Beth, John; this is Dr. Peter Sampson. He’s the surgeon. We’ve gone through this and he agrees that we need to do surgery.”
“The tests show advanced progression,” Dr. Sampson told them. “I think we need to move quickly, go in and remove what we can. I’ll be honest, it doesn’t look good. If you agree, I have scheduled surgery for first thing tomorrow.”
It doesn’t look good…
“Yes,” she said. John took her hand, but her mind was a million other places as the two doctors left the room.
~ ~ ~
At 7:30 the next morning, September twenty-eighth, they took Beth for the surgery. Carlee was with John’s parents. John was with Beth, as they wheeled her down the hall to the operating room. He walked with her until they told him he couldn’t go any further.
“I’ll be there when you wake up,” he told her as he bent to kiss her.
When she awoke, she was very sore. It seemed odd that there would be so much pain. She felt some kind of soft wedge behind her to keep her from rolling over. Dr. Sampson and John were standing beside the bed.
“Hey,” she whispered to John. He took her hand, and brought it to his cheek and held it there and caressed it. She knew something wasn’t good by the look on his face.
“Sweetheart,” he paused, and she could feel the lump in his throat.
Dr. Sampson looked at him, as if to give him relief, and he began to speak. “We were in surgery about four hours. You have an aggressive form of melanoma. This was deep, stage IV disease,” he explained. “The melanoma has metastasized. The mole’s location made access to the liver quick.”
“My liver…” she repeated.
“Beth, honey…”
They needn’t say another word. I could see it on their faces, so serious, and John looked so sad…
“We couldn’t get it all,” Dr. Sampson continued.
“Couldn’t,” she asked, and felt the tears come. “What? When?” She mumbled in broken words and thoughts.
“There is no way to say for certain, but the liver…”
“I know,” she said abruptly, cutting him off. Of course she knew. She worked with that kind of information. She knew… She turned away as the tears spilled from her eyes. So many thoughts…
My life, my family, oh God, my Carlee…
John had a hundred questions, Beth had none. He asked about treatment, medication, more tests, he asked about reconstruction.
“We’ll get an oncologist in to see you,” the doctor said.
“I’ll leave the two of you alone now, we’ll talk more later.” Dr. Sampson reached to squeeze her hand and left them.
They didn’t say anything for a really long while. John let her cry, not touching her, not saying a word. “Beth…” he said finally.
“John, not now,” she turned to look at him. So many thoughts, more fears, but not now… “Can you just leave me alone for a while, please?”
“I can’t honey. I need to be here with you,” he said taking her hand in his, holding it, so full of love, and fear.
She turned away, “Where are Kimmy and Mom?”
“Waiting outside; I’ll get them if you want.”
She waited a while then asked; “What time is it?”
“Just after three; do you want your mom?”
“No, please just leave me alone for a while. For now, you tell them.” Her mind was racing; “Someone needs to take Carlee home. She should be home, in her own room, with her things. She is too young to understand being away for very long,” again she was mumbling.
“Mom and Dad can do that, honey. I’ll call them.”
“John,” she turned back to him. But he knew before she asked. “Please have Kimmy call Roddy.” She could see the hurt on his face, he knew why. “Please…” she repeated.
John left her there alone. He didn’t want to, but he finally conceded. The light in the room was very dim. There was a gray hue that shone on everything as her mind raced ninety miles an hour. Gray seemed an appropriate color at that moment. She was sure that the readings on her blood pressure and heart rate must have been going crazy. She tried to gather her thoughts, her courage. She had to try to face that devil called cancer, head on. But everything seemed so jumbled up, so she prayed.
After a while her mom came into the room. She told Beth that Pops was having a hard time and wanted to get settled before he came in. She knew what that meant. Her mind went back to that place in time, she watched him when he lost his mother, and she saw it again when Pappy passed away. He didn’t want to cry in front of her. He didn’t want to appear weak. He wanted to be strong for his ‘baby girl.’
“We’ll get through this,” her mom whispered.
My mom, so strong… Always there, always strong…
“I know you will,” Beth replied.
“We will,” Liz, corrected her.
“Mom?”
“Beth, don’t. There are so many things.”
Beth interrupted her, “I need to, Mom. John and I talked with Dr. Sampson briefly, seems it’s pretty far along. He wants me to see an oncologist, but he doesn’t think any of those things will help, I can tell. It must be pretty bad. I’ve seen that in what I do. If the Dr. gave any kind of indication that it would help I’d consider any of it, but he didn’t, so I know, and I don’t think I’m ready or willing to go through all that. I need to be me, to be whole for Carlee as long as I can. I don’t want to be sick and tired from chemo. I don’t want my hair to fall out. I don’t want her to remember me that way. I just want to be there for her as long as I can.”
She got quiet, trying to gather her thoughts, “I want to tell you something.”
“I already know, honey,” Liz stopped her, placing two fingers to her lips to do so.
Beth took her hand, so soft, so comforting and all those times she had held it in the past came back in a flash. “Do you Mom?” she asked. “Do you really?”
Such a wise woman, my mom…
“Yes sweetheart, I know.” She paused, a long, thoughtful moment. “I know you and I know your heart. I know you are going to tell me you want Andy here.”
“I do.” They sat quietly a while and Beth finally asked, “Is it wrong, Mom?” Liz caressed her daughter’s hand, but she didn’t say anything. It wasn’t necessary.
“Mom, I am so torn. John has to be OK with it. He is my life, but I can’t go through this without seeing Andy again.” She looked away, maybe ashamed, “So long,” she con
tinued, still not facing her. “We were ‘us’ for so long.”
Liz held her, and together they cried.
~ ~ ~
Liz Morgan struggled with the news of Beth’s cancer. Any parent would. She couldn’t imagine losing a child. ‘A parent should not outlive their children’ she thought.
They were more than mother and daughter. They were friends. When Beth was young they did everything together, with Kimmy. And now Liz wondered if her own love of the beach was to blame for this.
She watched now as Beth struggled with her feelings. She loved John, Liz knew that, but she never quit loving Andy. Liz knew that, too. She said many prayers over the years that she and Andy would be OK. And every time he hurt her she prayed that Beth would recover. She never blamed Andy. She blamed that lifestyle. Beth needed and wanted; instead, she gave and gave.
~ ~ ~
When Pops came in the room, he had a wan look, but he wasn’t crying any more. “Hello baby girl,” he leaned and kissed her. “How ya doin’?”
Beth took his hand, squeezed it. “Not too bad. My back hurts the most, I think, lying on my side.” He walked around the bed, sat on the edge and began to rub her back, with a soft, loving caress. It made him feel like he was doing something important, and it was easier for him to be where he didn’t have to face her. This way he could hide his own fears. When he wasn’t rubbing her back, he gently stroked her hair, such a tender gesture from those strong hands.
“Pops, I need you to go be with Carlee. The two of you,” she said looking at Liz. “Give Tom and Evelyn a break, I’m sure they will want to come here for a while. It’ll be good for you to get away, and good for Carlee to be with you for a while. I’m sure she is wondering about all of this. She needs as much ‘normal’ right now as we can give her.”
Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) Page 22