“She thanked us for loving and supporting her, even when we didn’t think she made the right choices. She told me, ‘I know you struggled when you didn’t think I did. I know you wanted to pick me up each time I fell, but made me get up on my own, instead. You allowed me to learn and grow and I am a better person for it.’”
“She went on to tell me, ‘Thank you, for being so understanding of Andy and me, then. Thank you for welcoming him, always, but especially now, it means so much to me that you did. I’m sorry about John, I loved him; I love him now, but I don’t know if I could have had the peace that I find now, without Andy.’”
“And she told me, ‘I remember when Andy won the Oscar. In his acceptance speech he told Phyllis, “You are the one who gave me the wings and believed in my flight.” I could never, in the entire world, have put it better. Thank you for my own wings…’”
Liz was crying now, too, as she shared Beth’s conversation. “And she told me that she could never put into words, what that first journal you gave her meant to her. She told me it was the best gift she ever received.”
“Now,” Liz said in a tearful voice, “that and all the journals that she kept over the years will be a gift to all of us.”
~ ~ ~
Nathan and Dina put Carlee to bed that night so that Andy could get Beth settled. They joined Roddy and Vince in the sunroom, and they were reminiscing with a glass of wine when Andy returned sometime later.
“She’s asleep. It was a good day for her,” he said as Roddy poured him a glass.
Dina looked at this man that she had known most of her life, and so many emotions ran through her mind. He was finally settled, finally at peace, finally with the woman he loved. And she remembered, so many times over the years when she hoped he would find that. She was happy that he did, but sad it was so late and that it wasn’t going to take him, take them, him and Beth, into their older years. She sipped the wine, listened, observed and reminisced.
She remembered Nathan telling her about the night Andy and Beth met. He had used the term ‘melted’. That didn’t seem like such big news to her. She had sure seen a number of young girls over the years that had ‘melted’ in Andy’s presence. But then Nathan told her that Andy melted, too. That was the surprise.
Dina loved when she and Beth had opportunities to be together. They were fewer than she liked, but they were always good. She wished now, there had been more. When she left the last time, Dina knew they would be part of each other’s lives. But she was so sad, because she had never before seen love like that.
When she received the call from Roddy about Beth’s condition, she hurt, and knew they all would. She and Nathan went as often as possible. When Dina saw her the first time after the surgery, she was in bed. She was small anyway, but she looked so tiny. ‘I remember her taking my hand, and thinking I never wanted to let her go, if I could just keep her with me.’
She wanted to talk and Dina was more than willing to listen.
‘I remember every word of that conversation because it meant so much to me, but it meant more to Beth,’ Dina thought.
“I know it probably seems weird to everyone.” It was a whisper, a tiny, quiet voice that spoke. “Andy being here…”
“No honey, not weird at all.”
“I hope not, it had to be this way, Dina.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I can’t imagine my life, the end of my life, without Andy here.” Dina held on tighter as she cried.
“Oh, Beth, I still can’t imagine how you and Andy stayed apart.” She sighed, “I just mean that you ever got to the place where it wasn’t you and Andy anymore, ya know?”
“I do, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.”
But it turned out that it was, only it was too late, they would have precious little time together. And it broke Dina’s heart.
~ ~ ~
Andy turned to Kimmy, “Thanks for finding the charm, she loved it. She loved the ticket stub, too,” and he explained to the others what he meant.
Looking at him, Kimmy saw the love in his eyes, and she thought about Beth.
There had been days recently, when she thought back over their years together. She could remember the day they met, like it was yesterday. She could feel Beth’s hand in hers as they walked into the classroom that first day, and so many times after that. Each memory played back like a movie.
Kimmy thought about all those years on that roller coaster life, the ups and downs with Andy. One evening before John left, when he was away on a business trip, Kimmy and Andy were together and she told him how he had broken Beth. It was a no-holds barred conversation. It saddened him, because he was broken, too. Kimmy realized then that none of them ever really thought about what he must have felt. They focused only on Beth and her hurt.
Kimmy wished that she could will her back to health, but it was too far along when they found the cancer. She would hear people say things like “it’s a blessing they discovered it so late. It spares everyone the ordeal of the treatment.” But all she could think was, ‘If we had only found it sooner.’
She watched Andy now and was glad for the bond they shared. They spent many days sharing memories and stories, for the book. She was glad he and Beth were finally in that place they belonged, together.
~ ~ ~
Roddy, too, was remembering as they chatted about Beth. She was unlike anyone he had ever met.
‘Truly unique in my mind and in my heart,’ he thought.
He found it intriguing, in the beginning, to find what it was about her that got a hold of Andy. She didn’t fit the mold; turns out that was why it worked.
He thought about her laughter and wit. It was always refreshing because it was never expected. She was so quiet, and then she would pop out with something so funny that everyone would burst into hysterical laughter.
‘Joy… always sheer, utter joy!’
Over the years, Roddy worked hard to help make that lifestyle easier for her. He tried to comfort when there was hurt and see to it that she was surrounded with love and anything she needed. Time and again Andy hurt her. Roddy didn’t believe it was ever intentional. He just didn’t know what he needed himself, and when he figured it out, sadly it was too late. But fate saw differently and brought them back together.
Her sickness was a devastating blow to everyone, but she reacted with nothing short of ‘grace under fire’.
He was remembering a few weeks ago, cleaning a drawer in his office he found an old answering machine tape. He searched and found a cassette player and popped it in, not knowing what he would find. It was God’s way of saying that life would go on. It was a message from better times. Beth was leaving him a message and got tickled about something and burst into a giggle. He had the tape reproduced so that they could all hear that infectious sound again.
That evening of remembering went way into the night. They all comforted each other, shared tears and laughter, many smiles and good times remembered.
269
Rock and Roll Never Forgets
Chapter Thirty
August 2002
Sadly to everyone with each day that came Beth weakened a little more. They could all feel her slipping further away. She began to experience headaches and tremendous pain in her body. But the weakness was the hardest on her. She wanted to be up and able to enjoy her friends and family, but she couldn’t do it any longer. It was hard on everyone. They had all come to rely on her strength throughout the ordeal of her illness and when it was no longer there, they all hurt.
In those final days, her home was as she loved it, full. Everyone came. Andy and Roddy saw to it that those who had stayed away for fear of tiring her or being in the way, came. John came often, sometimes to just get Carlee away from it all. Beth wanted her there all the time, but they both agreed that she needed to get away from the situation every once in a while. John would always look in on her. Vince and Liz channeled their emotions into food to keep everyone fed.
The room she shared with Andy now, ev
erything peach in color, was dimly lit at all times. He kept candles lit rather than lamps. It made a soft glow about the place, and Beth. She looked angelic and beautiful. A florist came daily so that Andy could keep vases filled with fresh Calla Lilies. Music played softly, usually his favorite collection, Bach in Woodwind. It was soothing and peaceful. He had pictures all over the room so she could see them. Carlee, her family, pictures of her with Kimmy, pictures of her through the years with the Traveler guys, pictures of her and Andy from all through the years… He made sure all her favorite things were around her.
She slept a lot, but Andy never left her side. They moved a chair and ottoman beside her bed and when he wasn’t lying beside her, he was stretched out in the chair. Angel would try to get him to go and rest, but he wouldn’t budge. After all those years, he wanted to make sure she knew he was there every time she opened her eyes.
Angel cared for Beth so lovingly. She kept her pain medicine so that she was comfortable. Angel had grown to love her so much over the months she had been with them. And they were all in love with her, so grateful for her tenderness. Beth appeared peaceful and that made it a little easier for everyone.
The last conversation she shared with Andy was especially moving. Her words were so powerful; “I begin each day with a prayer, a prayer that I can get through the day without so much medication that I don’t know my surroundings, a prayer that this situation is not a burden to those I love, a prayer that the day will hold something to give me peace and hope, and a prayer for strength, not so much for me, but for all of you. And ya know what Andy? I end each day praying that same prayer all over again.”
In the latter days she no longer woke, but Andy was certain that she knew they were all there with her and that she was loved.
~ ~ ~
She left us on September 24, 2002, peacefully, in her sleep. She was kept medicated and seemingly pain-free those last days. Andy was beside her, holding her hand. Angel knew, and she called them all together. Her entire extended family surrounded the bed. There was so much love in that room as her eyes fluttered, a slight smile upon her face as she took that last breath, so much like a sigh of relief.
Angel asked everyone to leave the room after a few minutes. After a little while she called for Andy to return. They all left him alone there for a while. He took her hand and held it in his one last time. It was still warm and he held it to his cheek to feel that warmth. He prayed for a long while and then cried for his loss.
“Those first tears were selfish ones. They were for me, for what I had lost and would have to endure. I thought I had cried them all out long ago. Then, I cried for the others who had lost her and what their lives would be like without her. I cried for Carlee, now without a mom to teach her the things a mom should,” he told me.
~ ~ ~
The days after were even sadder. As they began to plan a memorial for her, calls began coming in from everywhere. The tabloids now had the news and shared it graciously. People were calling, wanting to attend. Finally it grew into such an affair that the memorial was held at the local civic arena. All the Traveler guys, past and present, along with their families came. Andy’s friends from the business, music people whom she had met and connected with during that phase of her life, attended. Many more were from her time with the Cancer Foundation. Her work there touched many.
Calla Lilies filled the front of the auditorium. It was breath-taking. Everyone gathered pictures and a friend of Roddy’s made a running slide show that flashed on a jumbotron they arranged to be in there. Andy chose many pictures of Beth from the Chicago trip, so many years ago. The outside photos on the windy beach were his favorites. There was one, a black and white, of Beth lying in the sand on her stomach laughing, the wind blowing her hair in her face, but the sparkle in her eyes was beautiful. There were pictures from their wedding. Liz had all stages of her life represented and lots of pictures of Beth and Carlee. Kimmy added her favorites as well; one of Beth and Carlee in a garden of daisies laughing… It was incredibly beautiful.
There were many curious fans. The Road Heads, who had followed Traveler’s career over the years, were there. They felt such a bond to this woman they really didn’t know. They were welcomed with open arms. It felt they belonged there.
Andy sang “In My World”. It was very emotional and he struggled. It was not the same strong voice that sang it so many times before. It was a voice that wavered with emotion.
You’re there with me
In my world
The future I see
You’ve shared a beauty never known…
During the song, there was suddenly flickering light from the back of the room and everyone began to turn, realizing what it was. Andy stopped singing and became very quiet as the Road Heads continued to light lighters, in the same way they do at concerts. Someone dimmed the lights in the auditorium. It wasn’t odd. It wasn’t out of place. It wasn’t disrespectful. It was a symbol of love, and anyone else in the place that had a lighter followed along. It was a beautiful, beautiful tribute. And again Andy began. Tears flowed freely at this gesture.
Andy and Beth’s family received thousands of cards and letters telling how Beth touched their life in some way. Some didn’t even know her, but the stories of her passing and the dignity she showed during the last months of her illness touched them. Some were Traveler fans that just wanted to express their feeling of loss.
She made the headlines one last time. After all the years of stalking her, there was finally a beautiful tribute headline. The cover of People magazine the week after she passed away read; “A Life Well Lived.” Andy chose that beautiful picture he loved so much of Beth lying on the beach in Chicago, and there was an excerpt from the book. It was a promise made to keep them all away when Beth was so sick. It was a beautiful article with pictures of her life.
Beth’s circle of friends and family all grieved in their own way. It was a treasure to see, to talk with them as they shared their thoughts and see the love and loss.
273
Rock and Roll Never Forgets
Chapter Thirty~One
Remembering ~ Kimmy
While I was assembling my notes and thoughts, I shared some of the journals with Kimmy. There were things that I thought she would want to know before I put it all together, those pieces of Beth that maybe she knew about but not in Beth’s own words.
She loved looking through them, telling me that she always wondered what was in those books that Beth couldn’t leave behind if they traveled or she would run to when something special happened. I watched her hands caress the pages as she spoke to me about those that I had marked.
“So much that I knew, so much that I shared in, and yet so many things I didn’t realize. I love that she used the analogy of the quilts. I know what quilts meant to her, they were pieces of love. When I think about Beth’s quilt, I was one of the pieces just off the center of the quilt. She was part of my life for so long,” Kimmy said.
“My best friend, the one I shared everything with, is gone. I show strength, for Carlee, for Andy, for Liz and Connor. I grieve privately. Liz gave me the treasure boxes of pictures, scrapbooks, tickets, trinkets and such that we shared together, cards and letters we wrote to each other where we expressed our dreams. When time allows I go through them to reminisce. I miss her so much. My life is better because she shared hers with me.”
Memories ~ Andy
I think about what life brings, and gives, then takes away. My life is forever altered. Unlike Beth, my thoughts on all these years are not written on paper. But the memories are so vivid that I can replay every moment like a movie in my mind. The title that pops in my head is The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, but I guess there was some Love Story there as well.
That summer in 1978 is where my life with Beth began. I loved reading her journals, her thoughts on that beginning. Her laughter grabbed my heart that night, and never let go. Something about her made me see her soul, even in that first glance.
&n
bsp; Unlike any other woman I’ve ever met, she was a contradiction. She was quiet and shy, but fun, witty and charming once you broke the shell. Pleasing to the eye, comfortable and casual, nothing flashy, yet I noticed. Every inch of her took my breath. The top of her head barely reached my shoulders when I stood beside her. Everything about her, except her personality, was tiny. I noticed it all.
It seemed there was always a sparkle in her eyes. They were the greenest green I have ever seen, like fresh new leaves in spring. I found myself unable to leave her side that first night. I enjoyed every moment I spent with her. When it finally came time for her and Kimmy to leave, it was morning and I hated the thought that I might never see her again.
I asked if I could call her, she agreed and our journey began. I wanted to spend every moment possible with her, flying her here or there to squeeze in time with her. We learned more about each other. We loved each other. She became mine. My Bethy…
Eleuthera was our refuge. The quiet calm there seemed to put her at ease. So many mornings we spent there I’d wake and she’d be gone and I would find her walking on the beach. She said she could think when she walked and the sounds of the ocean gave her peace. I was there not long ago and opened a closet and found her walking shoes. She left them the last time she was there. I can’t bring myself to do anything with them, so they sit in the closet to remind me of the peace she seemed to find on the island.
Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) Page 30