by West, Sinden
I filed a missing person report with the police after he had been gone the regulation amount of time and then sat up for two more nights waiting for any word. My mother unhelpfully told me that he’d probably left me and that if I were getting a divorce I could move back in with her. I hung up on her, preferring to stay in the sleazy motel than sleep between her Egyptian cotton sheets.
Ewan’s body turned up the next day anyway. It washed ashore as a group of teenagers partied around the lake. I imagined the cold, bloated body floating up beside a couple making out in the water, their romantic moment shattered. The girl would scream, and the guy would probably piss himself in fear as they ran out of the water. They would have scurried to hide the alcohol before the cops were called…
They thought he’d been beaten to death before he was thrown into the water, and that made it hard to breathe when I thought about how terrified he must have been. I told the police that he owed money to people but he was going to pay it, I didn’t know any more than that.
Terrence identified the body for me and kindly offered to pay for the funeral. I still stayed at the motel, though, it was easier to be alone with my thoughts there than living with my mother who would probably start trying to set me up with appropriate young men the moment Ewan was in the ground.
A surprising amount of people came to the funeral. Friends of his parents and old classmates from school. It pleased me that a lot of the people there would have remembered Ewan when he was young and filled with promise; because he really was quite wonderful back then. I was pretty much numb through most of it. I exchanged polite pleasantries and accepted condolences, then later I bought cheap wine and drank straight from the bottle as I sat on the floor of the motel room and cried.
Then I got mad because he probably did something stupid with that money instead of paying his debts. After the rage passed through me, I just felt sad and numb again, that was a better feeling. I got my job back and started to take antidepressants which made it easier to deal with the inane ramblings of the patients who moaned about everything from bunions to cancer. I smiled politely and tuned out.
I still lived at the motel. My nights were entertaining with the noises that came from the room next door keeping me up half the night. An older woman, Kerry, plied her trade from that room every Friday night. In between clients she’d sit outside and smoke a cigarette, sometimes I’d join her and she’d let me in on the secrets of some of the more so-called respectable townsfolk. I wondered if Terrence was one of her clients, but I decided it was better not asking.
I visited Ewan’s grave once a week, taking flowers so it wouldn’t look so lonely. I didn’t talk to him or anything stupid like that, but I missed him terribly. He had been a constant in my life for years, and now with him gone I felt a void.
One of these times, I ran into Katrin. She was holding a bunch of daisies and her face was bruise free. She looked embarrassed when I saw her.
“Hi, Katrin.”
“Hey.” She waved the daisies at me. “I thought I might just, you know…I don’t even know if he liked flowers, I just had a good time with him and…I don’t really know why I’m here. Do you mind?”
I shook my head. “No. That’s really nice of you. He would have appreciated it. And he loved daisies.” I didn’t actually know if he liked any kind of flower, but she looked so uncomfortable that I wanted to say something to make her feel better.
She smiled at that and hesitantly moved past me to lay them at his grave next to the gerberas I had brought. She took a breath and turned to me. “He was always so nice to me when we were at school. I had the biggest crush on him in high school.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.”
She gave a small laugh. “I never told anyone. Besides, he always had a thing for you, Anyone could tell that. It’s funny that the two guys that I absolutely adored were in love with you.” Then her smile faded. “I didn’t mean for that to sound bitchy if it did, that is.”
I shook my head, giving her a small smile. “It didn’t. So…are you still living with Joseph?” It took a lot of courage to ask that.
“Nope. He helped me get an apartment, and I’ve even got a job and I’m doing some part-time study. Things are really looking up for me.” She sounded so proud of herself that I was genuinely happy for her.
“I’m glad.”
“Well, I guess I should get going.” She kicked at a leaf on the ground as she turned, but then she stopped. “There’s nothing going on between Joseph and me. There hasn’t been for years. He’s like my brother, especially since I got over the massive crush I used to have on him. I just wanted you to know that.”
She caught me by surprise, and I found that I couldn’t speak over the lump in my throat so I just nodded. She gave a small smile. “See ya.” I watched her walk back to the car park and waited until she drove away before I left as well.
I had barely let myself think of Joseph. Life should have been simple. Ewan was gone, there were no emotional ties keeping me away from him. But I couldn’t go to him. It would have seemed like he was the second choice, chosen only because of the convenience of Ewan’s death. And he had too much pride for that, and I would never want him to feel that way because it wasn’t true. So instead I plodded along with my life.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Eventually I moved into an apartment which was a slight notch above the motel, but at least I could decorate it how I wanted to and I didn’t hear other people having sex as much. My mother was slightly appeased, she was convinced that I had become a drug addict because of where I had been living. When I moved out, she even deemed me suitable to attend her Winter Party. This was something she threw every year and the guests were supposed to wear black or white – like that was such an original idea.
She even bought me a dress, and even I had to admit that it was pretty. The strapless bodice sparkled and lace covered the shimmering fabric of the skirt that swept the floor. I felt like a princess in it and whimsically twirled around the full-length mirror just to see the skirt swirl around. I smiled at myself. I looked good. I curled my hair so it fell down my back with diamante clips to secure it away from my face.
Some of my neighbors gave me odd looks as I walked down the hall to get to my car. The dress didn’t suit the car either with its fading paint and rust. The contrast made me laugh slightly and I wondered what my mother would say about me arriving in less than the style to which she expected.
The valet kept a straight face as I handed him my keys, I gave him a smile as I waltzed past him and up the stairs to the open double doors through which my mother and Terrence stood to welcome their guests. My mother even gave me an approving look as she kissed the air beside my cheek. It wasn’t hard to get away from them; the place was packed with every important and influential person in town. I drank the champagne that was offered and did my dutiful daughter act by being pleasant to the guests. I saw Joseph across the room, he was dressed in a tux and looked handsome. Someone’s eligible daughter had trapped his attention as she rested her hand on his arm. He looked entranced by her, and I had to smile at that. He deserved to be happy and have someone who could make him feel that. He had told me long ago that he wouldn’t be a loser forever, and it was true. Not that he ever really was, of course, but now he was on top of the world and had everything that he could want.
I was happy for him.
As the evening went on, the room began to get hot and I escaped outside to the welcoming cool air that signaled the beginning of winter. No one else was outside, and I rested my glass on the stone balustrades that encircled the balcony while I watched the lake water lit by a sprinkling of outdoor lights. I remembered hanging out with Ewan here while our parents got drunk and had their own dramas inside. My mouth twisted into a sad smile.
“Hey.”
Joseph placed his glass next to mine as I turned to face him.
“Hi. It seems like you’re the toast of the town.”
“Yeah. They all see
m to want in on my project.” Then he smirked. “And they should be. They’d be stupid not too.”
I laughed. “Arrogant much?”
His smirk turned into a grin. “Always, Jessica.”
We met each other’s eyes as we both smiled. This seemed so relaxed, so normal. We didn’t say anything, just stared at each other as the silence stretched on. He was the first to look away.
“I meant to say that I was sorry about Ewan. I wanted to come see you but…” he trailed off, taking a gulp of his champagne. I did the same.
“That’s okay. I wanted to see you too, but I didn’t want you to think that—” I stopped, feeling stupid all of a sudden.
“What?”
I took a breath. “I didn’t want you to think that I wanted to see you because Ewan was dead.” I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t want you to think that I wanted to be with you only because he was gone. Because it wasn’t like that. I had to stay with Ewan because he needed me, and I cared for him. That was it. I didn’t love him the same way that I love you. I loved him, but it was just…different.”
I cringed at my words and felt myself blushing.
“I know that.”
I lifted my head to find him watching me.
“I knew why you were with him. It’s the same way I feel about Katrin. I get it. I do. I just didn’t like it so I acted like a dick.” He took a sip of wine.
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry,” he added.
I nodded. “Good.”
He let out a breath. “So…what now?”
I gave him a small smile. “Now I get on with life. I’ve spent so much time being miserable that I’ve barely lived. I’m young. I want to travel. I want to enjoy life.”
He nodded like he understood. “And us?”
My breath caught in my throat. It would have been easier to throw myself into his arms and to kiss him until his lips were bruised, but I didn’t. “I need to come first. I need to be in control of myself first. I have…issues I need to sort out and I need to do it myself. I’m not ever going to let anyone else being in control of my life again and decide if I’m happy or not.”
I moved away, not meeting his eyes because that would have been too painful. “Goodbye, Joseph.”
“Goodbye, Jessica.”
I left him there on the balcony, even though it hurt, but it was time for me to be on my own and do my own thing. I needed to come first.
I left my champagne glass on the tray of a passing waiter and headed back to my car. My mother was in a far corner of the room, smiling and looking radiant. I was happy for her. She’d left someone she didn’t love for a man whom she adored. It was time for me to stop holding that against her. I also needed to forgive her for the turmoil that she had caused in my childhood. She caught my eye and waved. I gave a small wave back before leaving.
As I waited for the valet to retrieve my car, I removed my shoes and took a small walk along the shoreline, enjoying the cool, grainy sand beneath my feet as the water did its best to lap at me. The beauty of the lake in the night with the moon reflected in my depths made me smile. So many good times had been had on this body of water. Looking back, those moments with Joseph had been some of the happiest in my life. Was I throwing that away?
The valet called out to me. Sighing, I turned away from the beautiful water and returned back to reality‒back to my crappy car and my shitty apartment. At least they were mine, though. My happiness was my choice and I would choose to be happy.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I let the beautiful dress fall at my feet in a white pool of fabric and changed into my robe. Looking around my small apartment, I sighed. This place needed a cat, and then I could become a lonely, crazy old cat lady. I barked out a laugh.
As I was turning out the lights, I heard a banging on my front door.
“Who is it?” I called out warily.
“It’s Joseph.”
My heart skipped a beat and my hand rested on the handle for a moment before I could open it. He was still dressed in his tuxedo, but the tie was loose and draped around his neck.
“Joseph? What’s wrong?”
His forehead crinkled. “Everything.”
I stepped back so he could enter. “What is it?”
He stared down at me. “This is wrong, Jessica. You need to be with me and I need you. I wanted you so badly ever since I was a kid and I let you go once, I won’t do it again. I know it’s a crappy thing for me to go after you so soon after your husband died, but I don’t care. We should be together. The only time in my life that I’ve been happy is when I got to be with you. You’re all I ever think about. You want to come first? You do. You come first in everything with me. You’re the whole reason I moved back to this shithole town in the first place. You want to travel? Let me take you. I can show you the whole world. You’ll have control, I promise. I’m not going to stand back and let you starve yourself, I couldn’t do that, but other than making sure you’re healthy…I would do anything for you. Can’t you see that?”
His voice was raw and his eyes dark with emotion.
“I want to be with you too. I always have.”
“Then what’s stopping us?” He stepped forward and cupped my cheek. “You’re right, we need to start living life, and I don’t want one without you. There’s no point.”
A lump formed in my throat. He was right. I could have autonomy and control and still have him. I may have to battle his stubbornness on occasion, but the rawness I saw in front of me convinced me that he would deny me nothing.
I kissed him. Passionately and wildly. I kissed him hard to make up for the years that we had missed together. I wanted his mouth on me always and his hands to touch every part of me. His fingers tangled in my hair, drawing me in even closer.
When we finally broke apart, he grinned down at me. “Now what? Will you come home with me? It’s where you belong. It’s where you’ve always belonged, and tomorrow, we can make plans. We can go anywhere that you want.”
It didn’t take much to get me to agree.
On the drive back to his estate, we remained constantly touching, as if we couldn’t bear to be apart for even a second more.
As we walked to the back of the house to where the lake met the shore, I smiled and reached for his hand. “Let’s go swimming.”
“It’s winter!” he laughed.
We settled for the hot tub instead. Naked, I pressed against him as the deep water and its heat soothed me as the moon glowed above us.
This was where I belonged‒on the lake and with this man.
This was home.