“You sure I won’t hurt him? I can’t like pull a wire or anything like that, right?”
“I’m sure,” she said calmly.
I drew in a sharp breath, turning my gaze back to my son, thinking how strange it was that it felt perfectly normal to be calling this little guy my son. That wasn’t something I expected to feel. I thought it would feel strange at first, constricted and forced but one look at him and it was the most natural feeling I had ever had.
I was always a sure shot, a steady hand and a perfect eye. My hand never once quivered when it was wrapped around a gun but my hands trembled as they slid into the incubator and my fingertips touched my son’s skin for the first time.
“Oh,” I whispered. “You’re really here,” I said, softly caressing the top of his hand with my index finger.
He’s so tiny, making my hands look so much bigger than they really are.
“Hey, little guy, I’m your dad,” I introduced myself, crouching down so he could hear me better and I could see him more clearly. “It’s okay, Daddy’s here, you don’t have to be scared. I know it’s a big deal, coming into the world and all that. It’s terrifying to go from being safe inside your mom to the ugly world that ripped you from her but I promise you, you don’t have to be afraid anymore,” I vowed, drawing circles on his tiny hand with my fingertip.
“You know I’m already the proudest dad in this place. Just look at you being such a strong boy, fighting hard like a little bull—you get that from your mom. She’s a fighter and right now she’s fighting with everything she’s got because she wants so badly to meet you, to hold you and to kiss you. She’s loved you since she first found out you were just a little pea inside of her,” I whispered, feeling the sting of unshed tears assault my eyes.
I blinked, tears escaping the corners of my eyes but I didn’t take my hands out of the incubator to dry my eyes. I wanted to touch him for as long as I could, to comfort him. I wonder if he realizes I’m here. Does he recognize my voice? Probably not.
“Do you have a name picked out for him?”
I turned my gaze to the nurse and shook my head.
“No, but I bet his mom does,” I said, turning back to glance at my boy. “I’m sure it’s a good, solid name, perfect for you.”
I pictured Kitten holding our son for the first time, looking up at me and telling me what the name she chose for him was but then another thought invaded my mind.
What if she doesn’t make it?
What if she doesn’t get to meet our son?
What if he doesn’t get to know what a great mom he has?
What if she never gets to tell us what his name is?
I felt myself teetering on the edge, ready to lose it and succumb to the grief of it all. The grief of losing Bones, of not knowing if Lauren will live or die and standing here watching as a machine breathes for my newborn child.
And then the most amazing thing happened.
A tiny hand wrapped around my finger.
I stared at my son’s hand, his small fingers wrapped around my index finger and I was undone.
I thought I had the perfect life, that I had everything I wanted and wasn’t missing anything. But it wasn’t until that moment, when my son held onto me that, I realized I didn’t know the meaning of life…until him. Kitten and Tiger may have given this boy life, but he gave me a reason to live mine.
Heart.
It was right there, three pounds one ounce of the purest love I’d ever know.
Thank you.
“Oh, kid, you’re already wrapped around my finger, but thank you,” I whispered. “I love you, Pea,” I whispered.
A knock on the glass window startled me, pulling me away from the most precious gift I had ever received and when I glanced over my shoulder my eyes met Anthony’s. His eyes dropped to the incubator before they closed briefly then finally lifted back to mine.
He crooked his finger and I read his lips as he uttered the name that made my world stop for just a second.
Lauren.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Anthony filled me in as we walked toward the elevators, riding it up to the twelfth floor where they were moving Lauren to an ICU recovery room. She survived surgery but her body was in a state of shock. The doctors were able to stop the bleeding and remove the bullet that missed her heart but nicked her lung, causing it to collapse. Once they had the bullet out they had to repair the damage to her lung which was why the surgery took longer than the doctors had anticipated.
She was unconscious, and like her son, she was on a respirator because her lung function was too weak. The next twenty-four to forty-eight hours would be critical for her. As we stepped off the elevator Anthony became quiet, causing me to turn around and look at him.
“What is it?”
“The doctor said if the two bullets Bones took had hit her, she would’ve died on the spot,” he said, lifting his eyes to mine. “I don’t know him but I’ll always be thankful to him,” he said, sighing heavily.
“Yeah, that makes two of us.” I said somberly.
“How’s my nephew?”
“He’s tiny but he’s going to make it. I know he is. That kid wrapped his finger around my hand, and as small and fragile as he is, he has some grip,” I replied, proudly glancing around the intensive care unit. “Where is she? I need to see her,” I demanded.
Anthony led me around the nurse’s station, stopping in front of a large glass wall. I spotted Maria first and then I let my eyes travel to Lauren. Again, I wasn’t prepared to see her like that, hooked up to several machines, lying perfectly still as the life support kept her breathing.
Maria lifted her head, made the sign of the cross, before turning around and meeting our worried gazes. She rose to her feet, bending her head to kiss her daughter’s hand before slipping out of the room. Before she could ask me any questions, I brushed past her and walked into the room, sliding the glass door closed behind me.
I stood there, my feet firmly planted on the floor as I stared at my Kitten. The sound of the machines she was hooked up to was the only noise in the room, reminding me they were keeping her here with me. Finding the courage inside of me, I moved to the side of her bed and looked at her beautiful face. I would do anything to see her smile at me, hell, she didn’t even have to smile. She just needed to open those beautiful blue eyes and I’d even welcome a snarl, or one of her snarky remarks.
I just needed to know my Kitten was going to be okay.
I tore my eyes away from the tube that ran all the way down her throat and stuck out between her lips and looked at the machine and the slinky looking thing compressing the air into her lungs.
I pulled the chair closer to the bed and sank into it as I leaned over the bed and reached for Lauren’s hand, careful not to disturb any of the wires as I interlocked my fingers with hers.
“Hey, Kitten,” I whispered, as I looked up at her, trying to make sense of all the things going on in my head, all the things I knew I needed to say, all the things I felt down in my soul.
“I’m so sorry it came down to this,” I began, hoarsely. “I’m so sorry you’re lying in this bed and not me. Every move I made, every attempt to push you out of my life was to prevent you from being exactly where you are. I thought by staying away from you I was protecting you but all I did was waste time, time I could’ve spent showing you how much I wanted you. How goddamn grateful I was that you came into my life and how excited I was for you to make me a dad. I thought the best title I’d ever hold was being one of the Satan’s Knights but it pales in comparison to being Pea’s dad. That’s the best title, the only one worth a damn,” I expressed, pausing as I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed her knuckles.
“You need to wake up, Kitten, you need to find your strength and you need to pull through because there is a little boy sitting in the NICU who needs his mommy. He’s beautiful, Lauren, so beautiful. You did such a good job, baby.”
&nbs
p; I swiped my free hand across my face, fighting back the emotions threatening to surface. I was starting to cry more than a goddamn bitch in a soap opera but I owned that shit too, proud to cry, proud to know I was capable of some sort of feeling. Proud because every tear that threatened and every single one I exposed all meant that I was owning my feelings of how much Kitten and Pea meant to me.
Bones would be proud.
“I love him,” I whispered. “It’s the craziest thing I ever felt and nothing compares. I mean it Lauren, one look at that little boy, knowing he is ours, did something to me. He filled all the parts of me that were empty. He’s everything I never knew I wanted, everything I never knew I needed. He’s just…he’s everything,” I wiped my cheek, and switched the hand that held hers. “Thank you, Kitten. Thank you for giving me my heart.”
I gave her hand a soft squeeze before reaching up with my free hand and smoothing back her dark hair that fell over her forehead.
“Guess what else I realized?” I paused, unable to tear my eyes away from her. “God, you’re pretty. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of looking at your face. Even when we’re old and you have lines on your face and you’re jealous because I don’t,” I teased, desperate for us to be Kitten and Tiger again.
“All kidding aside, I realized I have loved you for a long time. I love you so much more than I ever knew I was capable of loving someone. But it’s you Lauren, it’s all you, all my love is yours. I’m not a second chances kind of guy, they don’t come around that often for me but that won’t stop me from asking you for this second chance. Wake up, Kitten, give me another shot and I promise you I’ll never need another one. I’ll be the guy you deserve, I’ll be the family guy first and the motorcycle man second,” I declared, brushing my lips back and forth against her hand.
“Wake up so I can make all your dreams come true,” I murmured against her skin.
A knock sounded on the glass door causing me to look over my shoulder toward Jack who held up a bag. I looked back at Lauren, kissed her hand before gently placing it back on the bed.
“I’ll be right back,” I promised, as I stood up and slid the door open and stepped out of her room. “That my stuff?” I said, tipping my head toward the duffel bag he was holding.
“Yeah, Pipe put everything in there,” he explained, glancing over my shoulder at Lauren.
“How is she?”
“Hanging in there,” I said, taking the bag from him.
“I saw the baby, the nurse says he’s doing good,” Jack continued, before he pinned me with a sharp gaze. “I know your head is focused on your family, as it should be but I want you to know I’m taking care of this, going to make them all pay, every last motherfucker that has a dragon tattooed to their back.”
“We should’ve taken them out before they had a chance to ever touch my family,” I said, knowing my voice sounded bitter but I wouldn’t apologize for it either. “You and the club can go buck-fucking-wild on the Dragons, but Wu—he’s mine, not the clubs. This shit is personal,” I said, glancing over my shoulder at Kitten, driving my point home before turning back to Jack. “You understand personal don’t you?”
“I do,” he agreed.
I took the duffel bag from him.
“Then I have your word that you don’t strike until I can leave here and do what I gotta do,” I clarified.
“If that’s what you want, man, but I’m telling you I’ve got this,” he protested.
“No, Jack, you don’t,” I cut him off, turning around and leaving no room for him to argue with me as I walked back into Kitten’s room.
I dropped the bag onto the chair, unzipping it and digging around until I pulled out the black plastic bag I had asked Pipe to get. I took what I wanted, walking to the foot of the bed and lifted the sheet, exposing Lauren’s toes that were painted bright pink. I wrapped one hand around each foot and shook my head.
“Your feet are always so cold,” I said, taking the socks I had removed from the bag, the ones that had kittens all over them, and pulled them onto her feet.
“There,” I said, bringing the sheet down over her feet before walking back around to her side. “Those should help keep you warm,” I whispered, sitting down in the chair before I laid my head on her bed and clutched her hand with both of mine.
“Please wake up, Lauren,” I murmured as I closed my eyes and brought her hand to my lips. “I need you.”
I must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is a nurse waking me up and telling me they needed to check Lauren’s vitals and change her dressings. There was still no change, no sign of improvement and so I left her room and let the doctors do their jobs while I checked on the baby.
I stopped in my tracks when I spotted Maria standing in front of the glass, her hands covering her mouth as she sobbed. My heart dropped, immediately looking for my son and spotting him in the same position I had left him. I breathed a sigh of relief and glanced around the empty corridor in search for Anthony or Adrianna but they were nowhere to be found.
“Maria?”
She turned to me, wiping her face as she did. “Is she okay?”
“She’s the same,” I confirmed. “They asked me to leave so they can change her dressings and check her out, so…I figured I’d check on this little guy,” I said, turning my attention toward my boy. “I feel like I’m failing them. When I’m not with her it feels wrong and when I’m not with him it feels the same but how do I choose?”
“You’re doing a good job,” she said, taking me by surprise.
I turned to meet her sincere eyes.
“I never expected to like you,” she said deliberately, blowing her nose into a tissue.
“Yeah, neither did I,” I retorted.
“But you surprised me Rabbit,” she teased.
“Riggs,” I corrected, earning a wink from her as she laced her arm around mine.
“Come with me,” she coaxed, leading me down the corridor. It was almost a year ago that I first met Maria and she knocked me in the head with a frying pan. Up until a couple of hours ago, or maybe days, I don’t even know how long this shit show had been going on, I wouldn’t have followed her anywhere too afraid she’d whack me.
We rounded the corner and she brought me inside the hospital chapel. I didn’t tell her the only chapel I was familiar with was the kind where Jack was the reverend and instead of saying prayers we voted on who dies.
She slid into the first pew and I followed behind her, staring at the altar and the candles that were displayed, some of them lit some of them not.
“Do you pray?” She asked, making the sign of the cross before she folded her hands.
“No,” I admitted. “Do you think it will help?” I asked, sounding half like a moron, half like a man running out of options but desperate to do whatever it takes to fix this situation.
“Yes, now pray with me,” she ordered.
“I don’t know how to pray,” I whispered, scratching the back of my head, waiting for nice Maria to morph into bat shit crazy Maria.
She shook her head, grabbed my hand and laced our fingers together.
“Heavenly Father, please hear our prayer,” she began. I thought she’d go on to recite a bunch of prayers, a few Hail Mary’s and whatever else there was but she prayed to God by talking to him. She explained Lauren’s situation, the baby’s and how they both needed his help to fight their way back to us. She promised she’d be a good servant of the Lord and drag my ass to church every Sunday if need be. Yeah, she told God she was going to drag my ass. When she was finished she taught me the Our Father, and then we both made the sign of the cross before walking over to the candles and lighting one for Lauren and one for Pea.
By the time we made our way back to the NICU, Maria offered to sit with Lauren while I spent some time with the baby. I tapped my knuckles against the glass, signaling to the nurse that I wanted to see the baby. She held up a finger telling me to wait a moment and
then met me outside.
“Dr. Meadows came in and assessed the baby, he was able to take a few breaths on his own and suggested that we try the Kangaroo Care,” she said, leading me to the room where I scrubbed down before.
“Kangaroo what?” I questioned, taking the soap she offered me and started the scrubbing ritual.
“Studies have found that when premature babies have skin to skin contact with a parent they thrive so we’re going to have him lay on your chest,” she explained.
I froze in the middle of soaping up my hands and stared at her.
“You mean I’m going to be able to hold him?”
She smiled widely as she nodded. It took a moment for that to settle in before I continued to sterilize myself. I was anxious to hold him but a part of me felt guilty that I’d be holding him before Lauren. She already had missed some of the things I knew she was looking forward to, and this, the first time he’s held, well, it should be her arms holding him. She deserved that.
I followed the nurse and sat down in the chair next to my son’s incubator and did as I was told to prepare myself for this moment. I watched as she disconnected some of the wires that were attached to him and opened the top of the incubator, maneuvering his little body into her arms. I reached behind me, nervously pulling my shirt over my head before she turned around and faced me. I held out my arms, not sure where to hold him and not wanting to hurt him or pull any of his wires.
“Lean back,” she instructed, and as my back rested against the chair she laid my son against my chest, transitioning my hands where hers were.
I inhaled sharply as her hands left his tiny body and mine kept him curled against my chest.
Words failed me.
None could ever justify the feeling of him in my arms.
My palm covered nearly most of his body as I splayed it over the blanket covering his back and felt the rise and fall of his chest.
He took one breath at a time without the help of the machine.
Reckless Temptations (The Tempted Series Book 4) Page 33