by Sarah Gerdes
“Okay is relative.” Under the intensity of his stare, she heard not a movement in the offices.
“Is there a problem at home?”
Danielle sighed, reluctantly nodding, damning herself for mentioning her ailing father during their first meeting. “It will be fine,” she told him, trying to be upbeat.
“Clearly it isn’t. Now, tell me what’s going on.”
Danielle resisted. “Look, Lars, no offense, but I’ve found it’s a lot better to keep the line between life inside and outside the office thick and black, not thin and transparent, past events aside. You didn’t hire me to get involved with what’s going on outside this building.”
The steel gaze of his dark eyes held hers until she felt the line going sheer like a wedding veil. “Is your father dying?”
She willed her legs to be still. “Death is an inevitability for all of us.”
A head nod acknowledged the truth of her statement. “Let me rephrase the question. Do you need to fly home to see him?” Danielle’s tension eased microscopically. His demeanor told her the company would survive and her position still be open if she had to take some time off to go home earlier than anticipated.
“I’m hoping the break in August will be soon enough to allow me to help him and figure out the true situation.”
“You will let me know if there is anything we can do?” he asked, and she made brief eye contact with him, nodding. She walked past him and he touched her forearm, her internal reaction a sudden burst of warmth.
“Danielle,” the pause after he said her name forcing her to look him in the eyes and to be present in the moment. “It’s not always about the numbers.”
Danielle felt an unmistakable current pass from his hand to hers. “I know,” she said, barely keeping her voice even. In that split second, she had noticed the sunset orange color of his tie, a color he never wore, and she instantly thought the shimmer augmented his coloring. His hand remained on her arm a moment more, and she struggled to restrain the desire she felt at his touch.
“Thanks,” she said abruptly, quickly slamming the lid on her feelings.
He didn’t walk with her to the elevator, which she thought had been his original destination. As the car descended, she wondered if he had also had felt something between them, if it had been similar to hers and if he was also pushing it shut, or leaving it open.
Danielle immediately pushed the thought out of her mind. She was unbalanced, reading things on a page that didn’t exist. Lars was a professional, someone concerned about her well-being, as he said. That was all, and she wasn’t going to let her desire for the touch of a man let her fantasies spiral out of control.
That night, her interaction with Lars had long since faded when she phoned her father again. He insisted she stay and work.
“Coming home sooner won’t change a thing in my life, or yours,” he said firmly.
Danielle then called Lani and Stephen answered. He admitted he been disappointed in Danielle’s decision to stay at the firm, pressing her hard about her feelings towards Andre, and asking if marriage wouldn’t have been the way to go.
“Not now,” she had replied. “Not under these circumstances. And besides, weren’t you the one who told me men like Andre are literally lining the streets of Zurich, waiting for a wild American?” Danielle couldn’t help laugh at the absurdity of the comment.
“Well, if you aren’t going to be going out, why don’t you take Lani for an evening? It might be a good thing.”
“Dancing?” she asked.
“No, I mean, you and her. As I said, I think it might be a good thing.” A lower tone of seriousness came through and Danielle wondered if Lani were nearby.
“Something up?” He hummed a response. “Bad?” He didn’t respond, and for the second time since she’d been here, she felt a sick sinking feeling. “But it’s not the restaurant, so it must be…children? Is that it?” Another yes gave her the response.
“And potentially moving.”
“Really? A new place? That’s awesome.”
“Sure. I guess.” That was a weird response. Before Danielle could ask further, Stephen said goodbye, and Danielle heard him tell Lani the two of them were going to arrange a girls-only night out, not at the restaurant but somewhere else.
“I hear we are going to have a date night,” Lani said brightly. Danielle confirmed the truth of it, and they arranged for lunch on Tuesday as Danielle left for Oregon the following morning.
“Are you sure?” questioned Lani. “It’s cutting into your trading.”
“I know. But you’re my best friend. I can make money anytime.”
The following day, Ulrich called her into his office. The subject line in her schedule was August vacation and goals for her return. She was gratified he let go of his formality with her at the door, reverting to his more congenial self. Apparently four weeks of consistency on her part was enough to rebuild his confidence in her.
“How is it possible that the entire company can shut down for three weeks during the month of August?” she asked him, genuinely curious.
“We like to think all our employees are more productive because we ensure they take time off. Now, changing the subject, Lars mentioned that your father’s health has declined. I put this goal statement down without that knowledge.” He slid a piece of paper across the desk. She looked down the paper, noting the number at the bottom. “Do you think we should reduce it?”
It was a fair question. But she wasn’t going to reduce her goal. That’s one thing her father would really take issue with. Dying? Nope. Lowering her goals? Yes.
“No, don’t change the goals. I appreciate the offer but it’s better to be busy in a time like this, not less so. My father’s health is worse, but it’s not as simple as leaving here and returning. It’s either stay here or leave for good. There isn’t much in between. So to be clear, I’m here and committed, and that’s what I’d like to focus on.”
Ulrich relaxed his posture. “I’m glad to hear it Danielle. We’d hate to lose you. You’ve made quite an impression since you’ve arrived.”
Yes, I’m sure I have.
He went on. “At this company, we like to reward results. This is for you.” He slid an envelope across the desk. Thinking it was another set of tickets to the opera, she accepted it with thanks, placing it inside the flap of her tablet.
“We won’t have many more meetings until vacation. Just concentrate on trading.”
Impossible. Between keeping her mind from dwelling on Andre, the new restaurant, her father’s health and the sporadic but interesting interactions with Lars, she felt off-balance. Oh, and now something else was going on with Lani and Stephen.
She kept her focus on her computer screen, not thinking further about the envelope Ulrich had given her until she got home and placed her purse on the credenza. Recovering the envelope from her tablet, she opened it and saw the check inside. She squinted in disbelief, reading the elongated words under her name. One million, five hundred thousand. She’d put it right in the bank and not even trade with it.
Ironic. Had she stayed with Andre, she would have owed MRD millions but had him, as her father had said, choosing love over life. Now, by staying, she had lost him but was financially better off than she’d ever been.
Danielle wondered if marriage was ever going hold a place in her future. It sounded intriguing and scary, exciting but constraining, the ideals of commitment merged with the sacrifices of time. As her father had said, at some point, potentially giving up her career. Her involvement with Andre was as close to marriage as she’d ever come, and she wondered if a part of her conflicting emotions were due in part because it was a first-time experience, being unused to the roller-coaster of previous highs hitting the lows with curves and loops thrown in.
If marriage were going to be an event, she determined that the man—whatever his age—was going to have to be okay with no kids, her maintaining a career and a life outside the office, independent of h
im. Give Andre another ten years and maybe he’d reach that point.
Danielle set the alarm, turning out the light. Choosing life over love hadn’t made her happy, she thought. At least, not yet.
CHAPTER 30
“So, now that you know all about my life and helped me dry my tears, it’s time to hear about you.” Lani had refused to speak until Danielle disgorged her conversations with her father and her own hard, self-reflections. Lani’s facial expressions had registered surprise, shock, compassion and ultimately hope.
“Andre was and is hot, and smart, and fun,” Lani said, taking a drink. “But as Stephen said, there are others no doubt who will be happy to take his place. Not that you are remotely close to getting involved again.”
“Right, thanks to you for urging me along.”
Lani shook her head decidedly. “Oh no you don’t. Don’t even think that I did more than encourage you to get out and experience some of the town. The rest was all you.”
Danielle laughed. “Guilty, guilty. So now that I’m taking a temporary hiatus on the romantic front, what do you have to tell me? Stephen hinted that you might have some plans regarding moving into a new place.”
Lani pressed her lips to one side. “Did he tell you anything else?”
“No, nothing at all. We were on the phone for just a few minutes before you got on. What else is going on?”
Lani leaned forward, setting her glass down. “We both wanted a new place but I found out for different reasons. For me, it’s about time. A reward for struggling for so long. Stephen’s primary motive was finding a place with another bedroom for a baby.” Danielle began to give an exclamation of joy until Lani’s expression stopped her. “It’s not going to happen Danielle, not now.”
“Invitrio didn’t work?”
“No, we haven’t tried, and I don’t want to.” Danielle unconsciously dropped her head forward, the news tugging at her lower lip, causing it jut out. “Yes, I can imagine you’re surprised, but it’s not all that shocking—not from my point of view.”
“You want to wait?”
Lani nodded. “Yes, but…not just for a little while. Danielle, I’m not sure I ever want to have children.” At this Danielle couldn’t help herself.
“What? When did this happen?”
“Over the past little while, but I guess starting when the remodel happened, and then the first few weeks of the restaurant.” Lani seemed to struggle with her feelings. Her eyes were light and dark, the smile on her lips turning down as though thinking about the situation pained her. “I’m just so happy to finally be doing what I love, and doing well at it. Stephen seems to think that we’ll save enough money and then I’m immediately going to want get pregnant, work for a period of months, then stop for good.” Her friend stared at her earnestly. “Danielle, I just want to live for a few years, and not just make money, but have fun, and enjoy Stephen. He says we’ve been living and traveling to the degree we could afford it. The bottom line is that he’s ready as soon as we can train another chef and I can gradually ease out of it.” Lani stopped abruptly. “Do you blame me? Do you think I’m wrong?”
“Lani, it’s your life, not mine. How can I think you are wrong for wanting to wait?”
“But you’re surprised.”
“Of course, but we haven’t been talking about your personal life much lately, it’s all been about me, and I’m sorry and am mortified right now as I say the words.” Lani waived off the comment so Danielle continued. “How’s Stephen taking it?”
“He’s not happy, to say the very least. At first he embodied all of the things he said Andre wasn’t—patient being first and foremost. But I think when he saw I was, and am, serious about waiting, the patience thing went right out the door. Now that it’s sinking in, it’s like every day he’s bringing it up, sometimes in a nice way, other times, he’s bity, like hard, and he’s never hard.”
“He’s disappointed,” Danielle offered, nodding with the empathy she felt for Stephen. “He wants to start a family.”
Lani’s head started to move, her eyes growing big. “So did I, but now I realize what it takes to run a restaurant and be the chef! It’s all-consuming Danielle. The shopping, the inventory, preparing and cooking, hiring and training. Sure, Stephen does a lot but we are a small operation, and we can’t afford to have a full secondary staff. And even if we could,” she continued, her voice rising, “I’m enjoying it. I spent my entire undergrad and then culinary school with a vision of a restaurant, not a failed one, but a thriving one, like what you have helped us create! It’s a dream—a life-long dream.”
“But so was having a family,” Danielle gently reminded. “That was happening in parallel with Monroe’s the entire time. You mentioned he’s not having patience. I bet he’s more shell shocked.”
Lani nodded, as though the change in her own thoughts seemingly catching her as much by surprise as it did Stephen. “My entire adult life I’ve wanted this—as much as having kids. Now…all I’m asking Stephen for is some time. Just a few years, but it’s like the more I’m begging the more he’s digging in his heels.”
Danielle could barely believe what she was hearing. The similarities to Andre was spooky, and yet there was one primary, huge difference.
“Lani, can I speak without you getting mad at me?” Lani grimaced and slowly nodded. “You and he got married with food and kids as the top priorities. That plan has been maintained all these years. Now, in the space of a few weeks you have changed your mind.”
“Not changed,” she jumped in. “Not entirely. Just delayed.”
“No,” Danielle kindly corrected. “You just said you may never want children. There’s a gaping crevice between waiting and never. Think about it from Stephen’s point of view- or if you were on the receiving end. What would you do if all of a sudden Stephen said—I’ve changed my mind? I’m not interested in having a restaurant with you anymore. I want to change vocations.” Lani lowered her eyes. “You would absolutely freak, and we know it.”
“Maybe a little ballistic,” she said with a wry smile.
“And, it’s probably fair to say you’d may go so far as use the silent treatment first, then screaming, then who knows, moving out?”
“Maybe,” Lani acknowledged.
“Look Lani, after what I’ve just gone through, and am still going through, I’m not one to be giving relationship advice, and you’re not even asking for it. So I’m just going to suggest maybe a little time and compromise. Avoid using the word never.”
“But you are right—I did use the word never. And right now I feel like that. I have backed away and don’t know if I can ever go forward.”
Danielle raised her eyebrows in tandem with her shoulders inhaled.
“Then I guess you have that conversation with Stephen and see what happens. Above all, you are friends and partners…”
“For nearly a decade.”
“Exactly. Don’t throw it all away because you have six weeks of a great restaurant under your belt. Who knows? In another six months you may come to me and say, Danielle, this has been great but it’s too much, I can’t handle the hours or the stress and ask me to find a new chef.”
Lani looked offended. “You think I’d do that?”
Danielle shrugged complacently. “If you did, what could I do? People change Lani. Things change. I’m just saying you don’t know what will happen and neither does Stephen.”
“Change is hard.”
“Yep. And not all relationships make it through. But I’m guessing yours will, no matter.”
The lunch ended with Lani giving her a massive hug. “Take care of yourself at home, and don’t call. Enjoy your time with your father.”
Danielle promised, her mood much improved after the conversation. Lani and Stephen would encounter a few more bumps over the next year, she was sure of it. With the money rolling in, it was no surprise Stephen was anxious. A new place, savings and then the natural next step of adding children. Danielle guessed Stephe
n might continue to be irritated and would indeed have to learn some patience. Lani’s long-term goal of having a family wouldn’t change, it would just be delayed, as she said. It would all work out, unlike her situation with Andre, which was over now. She determined to stop thinking about him if she couldn’t do it positively.
Danielle drove the rental car off the paved road and onto the crushed gravel road. She smiled at the sight before her. The deep pot holes were filled in, the roof was new and the tiles that were cracked or fallen off had been replaced. The lawn hadn’t looked as good since just before her mother passed away. At least the money she was sending home had gone to good use.
Sitting in the driveway, she placed a phone call to Lani.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” Danielle said. She was anxious to hear what the last fifteen hours had meant to her two good friends.
“We are officially booked out two weeks and the walk-in waiting line was usually thirty minutes on the weekend,” Lani said. “We’re killing it.”
“That’s not what I’m concerned about,” Danielle responded.
“I know, I know. That night we talked and I apologized for springing it on him which he appreciated. But Danielle, I was honest. I tried to not use the word ever or never, but I did. I just can’t promise how I’m going to feel in the months ahead.”
“Who among us can?” Danielle asked, invoked a very scholarly tone of voice. Lani laughed, then told her not to call again.
Danielle meandered through the home, inspecting every inch. The toilet paper was stocked, the bed sheets clean, the fridge full; all the things the caretakers were supposed to actually take care of were done. Either they really were doing their job, or her father had called in the swat team prior to her arrival. She found him outside in the backyard, cutting the perennial flowers her mother had planted the year prior to the death. She observed him for a few minutes, bent over, carefully snipping the roses just above the bud line.
Her father had lost a dramatic amount of weight—sixty, maybe seventy pounds, changing his look from oversized to merely big. When he stood and turned to her, his face shining the August sun, he look ten years younger.