‘‘No, I’m fine.’’
She didn’t sound fine. She sounded incredibly nervous. Todd liked that he got to her. He also knew he was walking a very narrow line. While he was confident that Beth liked him and found him attractive, he also knew she felt completely out of her league with him. He made her nervous. She’d survived without a man in her life for nearly two years and from what he would tell, she wasn’t interested in having one around now. If he pushed her too far or too fast, she would simple run away.
He didn’t want to lose her. Insanity perhaps, but the truth.
‘‘Tell me about your marriage,’’ he said, surprising both her and himself with the request.
‘‘What do you want to know?’’
What did he want to know? A list of Darren’s flaws would be nice. Maybe a hint that he’d been a smuggler or had laundered money in the back room. ‘‘Tell me how you met.’’
‘‘In high school,’’ she said, confirming what her son had already told him. ‘‘He was a couple of years older than me. I was a lowly sophomore while he was a senior. I’d never really been out on a date or anything. I knew who he was and I liked him, but I didn’t know how to meet him. Then I found out he tutored other students. Darren was always kind of nerdy.’’
He heard the smile in her voice. She was lost in a past he could neither share nor understand. He wanted to call her back, to remind her that she was with him, not her husband, but he’d been the one to pick the topic of conversation. Besides, for reasons he didn’t understand, he really wanted to know.
‘‘I told my parents I was having trouble in algebra and asked for a couple of tutoring sessions. As I’d always been a good student, they were happy to help. I felt terribly guilty about the whole thing and ended up confessing the truth to Darren during our first study session.’’
‘‘What did he do?’’
She laughed. ‘‘He stared at me for a long time, then asked me to the Homecoming Dance. We were together from then on. When he went away to college, I still had two years of high school left. He was on scholarship and had to keep up his grades, but we saw each other as much as we could. I joined him at his college after I graduated. We were married the following summer. I was nineteen and he was twenty-one.’’
She sighed. ‘‘Being married wasn’t the fairy tale I thought it would be, but we muddled along. When I think about how young we both were, it’s amazing we made it work at all. After he graduated from college, he wanted to go on to get his master’s degree. But he didn’t have a scholarship for that. We took out some student loans and I went to work.’’
‘‘You didn’t finish college?’’
‘‘No. I always meant to go back, but then Darren got a great job and we decided to start our family. I thought there would be time later. Now it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.’’ She chuckled. ‘‘If you repeat that last statement to either of my children, I’ll deny it. I keep telling them how important a college education is. If we hadn’t practically paid off this house and had a great life insurance policy on Darren, I would have needed that degree to help me get a decent job.’’
‘‘I won’t say a word,’’ he promised, relieved to have the question of her finances answered.
‘‘Am I boring you?’’ she asked. ‘‘I don’t know how to tell you about Darren without chronicling our past. If you’re interested in what he was like as a person, that’s different. He was a good man. Kind. He loved the kids. He never got over being a nerd, but I always thought that was kind of charming.’’
‘‘You’ve answered my question,’’ he said, wishing she would stop with the praising. Inadequacy was an unfamiliar sensation. ‘‘I can’t relate to anything you’ve said,’’ he admitted. ‘‘It’s like hearing a story, not someone’s life.’’
‘‘I guess it is different from what you’re used it. Hearing about your life would be as strange for me. Everyone I know has a somewhat similar history. People fall in love, get married, have children. When part of that disappears, it leaves everything out of focus.’’
Her hand still pressed against his. She was close to him, physically, but he sensed she had, in her heart, left him behind. She was caught up in a past he couldn’t understand.
‘‘You still miss him very much.’’ It wasn’t a question.
‘‘Yes. Every day. I loved him. I’ve always believed there was one great love for each of us, and mine was Darren. Oh, we fought and irritated each other, but none of that mattered. We had the same view of life and we wanted the same things. I can’t imagine loving anyone else.’’
Todd stared up at the sky. Her belief in one great love for each person was one more love than he was willing to believe in.
‘‘Tell me about your family,’’ he said.
She laughed. ‘‘It’s even more boring than my life with Darren. I have two sisters. One lives in Ohio near my folks. My other sister moved to Alaska with her husband. We talk on the phone, exchange cards at holidays, but we don’t see each other very much. My parents are still married to each other. Dad worked for the postal service and Mom was a schoolteacher. What about you?’’
‘‘My family is nothing like yours,’’ he told her. ‘‘I’m technically an only child, but all that means is that while my mother and father were married to each other, they didn’t give birth to any other children. However they each had many children with other partners.’’
‘‘How many times were they married?’’
‘‘I’ve lost count. Dad’s pushing eight or nine and I think my mother hit six with her last marriage, but I’m not sure.’’
Beth’s hand tightened around his. ‘‘I’m sorry.’’
‘‘You don’t have to be. It’s all I know. One of the reasons I never wanted to get married was because I didn’t want to get started playing that game.’’
‘‘You don’t believe it can be forever?’’
‘‘I’ve never seen a relationship that lasted more than five or six years.’’
‘‘Except for a couple of friends who had their husbands walk out on them, I’ve never seen one fail. If Darren hadn’t died, he and I would still be together.’’
The thought was disquieting to say the least, Todd thought. If Beth’s husband hadn’t died, then he wouldn’t be with her tonight. He would never had met her at all.
They were silent for a while, then Beth asked, ‘‘What did you think of your day in the suburbs?’’
‘‘I liked it.’’
‘‘What would you have done today if you hadn’t come here? If we’d never met. ‘‘
He looked at her. She’d turned in her chair so she was facing him. The light spilling out of the house caught the side of her cheek and illuminated her pale skin. He wanted to touch her there, trace the curve, then slide his fingers through her hair. He had a feeling that if he did, she would run screaming for cover. With Beth he was going to have to take things slowly. A startling revelation, he thought. It implied they were going to have a relationship. Is that what he wanted?
‘‘I would have worked in the morning, played golf in the afternoon, then probably gone out on date tonight.’’
‘‘With one of your blondes?’’ she teased.
‘‘Of course. Although I happen to be between women right now.’’
‘‘How convenient.’’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘‘Do you cruise the community colleges? I mean they are the right age there and you do like young, pretty women.’’
‘‘I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t say it the other way. ‘Pretty young women.’’’
‘‘But that’s what I meant.’’
‘‘I know. You’re not very subtle.’’
‘‘I can be.’’
He chuckled. ‘‘When?’’
‘‘I just can if I want to.’’
‘‘I don’t believe you.’’
They were flirting and he had a feeling she didn’t have a clue as to what was happening between them. He recognized the attraction.
It was fueled by her uniqueness and the fact that he sensed he could talk to her about anything.
‘‘Why so young?’’ she asked. ‘‘Wrinkles aren’t contagious.’’
‘‘It’s not about looks.’’
‘‘Oh, please, of course it is.’’
‘‘No, it’s about…’’ He frowned. ‘‘I don’t know why I date women in their early twenties. One of my theories is that while I’ve gotten older, the women I see have stayed the same age.’’
‘‘There’s also the whole issue of winning,’’ Beth said. ‘‘You’re a rich, powerful man. You can flaunt that by attracting a beautiful younger woman.’’
He didn’t like the direction this conversation was going. ‘‘You’ve been reading those women’s magazines, haven’t you? They always get guys into trouble.’’
‘‘I think men get into trouble just fine on their own. They don’t need any help.’’ She tucked her free hand under her cheek. ‘‘I think you should consider going out with women your own age. You might like it.’’
If she was anyone but herself, he would have thought the comment was a come-on. But she was Beth and that wouldn’t have occurred to her. ‘‘You could be right.’’
He stared into her eyes. In the darkness, they were a dark, indeterminate color. He wanted to move closer and lose himself inside of her. Not just sexually, although he had a feeling that was going to be very nice, too, but emotionally. He who never trusted anyone, least of all a woman, thought he might be able to trust this one.
The thought scared the hell out of him.
‘‘It’s getting late,’’ he said, releasing her hand and sitting up. ‘‘I should head back to the city.’’
‘‘Okay. I’ll walk you out.’’
The words fell out of Beth’s mouth before she could call them back. That voice in her head started shrieking again. She couldn’t walk Todd out. They were alone, it was nighttime, he might think this was a real date. She couldn’t deal with that. Or any of it.
She stood up and led the way through the house, thinking that when the brochure came in August for adult classes at the local community college and high school, she was going to have to bypass things like cooking and decorating and concentrate on the male-female stuff. Maybe there was a class on how to date the second time around. Or maybe she should just return to her quietly fulfilling life and pretend she didn’t mind being lonely.
‘‘This has been really great,’’ she said as they approached the front door. ‘‘Thanks for all your help with the planting and at the game. It was nice. Great weather, too. It’s tough when it’s this hot and it’s only going to get worse.’’
‘‘Beth?’’
‘‘The pool party went well, too, don’t you think?’’ she went on, ignoring him. ‘‘Matt always has a good time with his friends and—”
‘‘Beth!’’
His voice sounded insistent this time so she pressed her lips together to stop the flow of words. ‘‘I’m babbling,’’ she said. ‘‘It happens.’’
‘‘Only when you’re nervous.’’
She wanted to protest, but it was the truth. ‘‘How did you know that?’’
‘‘I know a lot about you.’’
If he was trying to make her feel better, he was failing.
They’d reached the front door. She stopped and stared at the oak and glass. All she had to do was open the door and he would leave. It was so simple. She reached for the handle. He grabbed her hand and pulled her around until she was facing him. She didn’t dare look at his face so she fixed her gaze on his throat. He had a very nice throat.
‘‘Not so fast,’’ he told her.
Oh, God.
He placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘‘I’m going to kiss you and you’re going to like it.’’
He paused as if expecting her to speak. She couldn’t speak. She was lucky to be breathing. Kissing? She was not ready for kissing. She didn’t think she wanted to kiss anyone but Darren, although she liked Todd and he was very good-looking and it might not be too hideous, but she was bound to mess up, and then what would he think of her and—
‘‘Stop!’’ he said. ‘‘You’re thinking too much. Just relax.’’
‘‘Relaxing is not possible,’’ she told him.
‘‘It’s just a kiss. I’m not going to dismember you.’’
‘‘I think that would be easier to deal with.’’
‘‘Fine, then close your eyes and keep breathing.’’
Her heart was pounding so hard, she thought it might leave bruises on the inside of her chest. Her hands curled into fists, she tightened her stomach, then slowly closed her eyes.
She wanted to scream that he couldn’t do this to her. Then she wanted to scream that he’d better do it fast because she was going to throw up. Then he kissed her.
She felt a soft brush against her lips. Not too quick, not too slow, just a gentle contact that was over before she’d actually registered what was going on.
Her eyes popped open. He was smiling at her. ‘‘How was that?’’ he asked.
‘‘Not horrible,’’ she said, pleased that it hadn’t been gross. ‘‘I didn’t really feel anything. I’m sort of shut down physically. I saw a family counselor after Darren died. Actually the kids and I went for a few months. Anyway, she said it would be hard to start dating and that sexually I would be sort of backward for a while. Not really connecting with my body.’’
He looked as if he was in pain. Beth replayed what she’d just blurted out. She felt yet another blush climbing her cheeks. ‘‘More than you wanted to know, huh? I’m sorry.’’
‘‘No, it’s fine. But maybe you could not think so much.’’
Not think? How was she supposed to do that? Still she nodded her agreement and waited. Were they done?
‘‘You want to try that again?’’ he asked.
No. Yes. She waved vaguely with one hand.
‘‘Just as I thought,’’ he said, and bent toward her.
Beth closed her eyes again. This time, the kiss wasn’t so brief, although it was as gentle. His mouth pressed against hers. She could feel the warmth of his skin, the firm smoothness. One of his arms slipped around her back and he drew her closer to him. She allowed herself to relax enough to move into him, even as the analytical part of brain cataloged his every action.
There was the scent of his body—masculine and pleasing. The heat he generated, the breadth of his chest and how he was much taller. Tentatively she rested one of her hands on his shoulder. He was strong. She could feel the muscles bunching there.
His mouth moved back and forth. With sudden clarity she knew that what happened next was up to her. Todd was a gentleman and based on what he knew about her history, or lack thereof, he wouldn’t push her. If she stopped things now, he would accept that. However, if she didn’t…
A faint tingle tickled at the base of her spine. If she didn’t stop him, he would go on kissing her. Would she like it? She sort of liked it now, although she couldn’t really feel what he was doing. Oh, all the tactile sensations were there, but none of the sensuousness. A part of her had gone into hibernation when Darren had died and she hadn’t experienced springtime yet. Part of her body was still sleeping. Looks like it was going to take more than one kiss to wake her up.
‘‘Wow,’’ he said when he pulled back. ‘‘You kiss great.’’
She wanted to return the compliment. She wanted to feel enough to be able to say ‘‘Wow’’ back to him. ‘‘Thanks’’ was the best she could do.
His gaze turned knowing. ‘‘Don’t give up on us, Beth. We’re just at the beginning.’’
He cupped her face in his strong hands and kissed her again. This time his tongue teased at her lower lip. She definitely felt that tingling again. It moved up her spine and drifted through her chest. Involuntarily her mouth opened. He slipped inside.
Her breath caught. Another man’s tongue was in her mouth. He stroked her slowly, gently, circling. She felt more
tingles and a prickling sensation. This was starting to get interesting. Tentatively she kissed him back.
Something tightened low in her belly. She felt a jolt of heat, then the dam burst. Sensation and need and fire raced through her, consuming her. She lost the ability to think and breathe. All she could do was hang on as he kissed her deeply.
She wanted.
After so many months of being dead, she was alive again. When he hauled her closer, she went willingly, raising herself on tiptoe, desperate to be next to him.
The kiss went on until the rest of the world disappeared. Until all she could do was be with him. Hunger filled her. Hunger and desperation.
One of his hands cupped her rear. Instinctively she arched toward him and felt the ridge of his desire pressing against her. He was hard and she liked it. She wanted…
More. And that realization terrified her.
Beth pushed on his chest and took a step back at the same time. The sound of their heavy breathing filled the quiet of the night. What had just happened? How had she gotten so turned on? She could feel the dampness of her panties, not to mention the ache in her breasts. The passion was as unexpected as it was unfamiliar. She’d always enjoyed making love with Darren. Their sex life had been great. While he’d initiated their intimacy enough that she rarely found herself in a position of wanting him, there had been a few times when she’d been in the mood.
But she’d never once been on fire before. The hot, animal need frightened her. If she hadn’t gotten scared and pulled back when she did, who knows what might have happened. Even thinking about him on top of her, inside of her, made her want to run for cover…and rip off her clothes. What was wrong with her?
‘‘You okay?’’ Todd asked.
She nodded. ‘‘Fine. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that.’’
‘‘It was nice.’’
Nice? How about life changing? How about incredible? How about terrifying? ‘‘Sure. Nice.’’
‘‘Next weekend is my turn,’’ he said.
That got her attention. She blinked at him. ‘‘What are you talking about?’’
‘‘You showed me your world, now I want to show you mine.’’
Beth and the Bachelor Page 9