Chapter Ten
Beth sat in the tufted chair by her bedroom window and watched the sun rising over the rooftops. The sky was clear now, but the weather was expected to turn rainy later, with a springtime afternoon storm forecast. Dark skies and a little lightning would suit her mood perfectly, she thought.
She leaned back in her chair and told herself everything was going to be fine. The problem was she didn’t believe it. Not anymore…not after last night.
As it had since the moment Todd has left, guilt swarmed through her. She ducked her head until her chin rested on her chest and she felt the familiar ache inside her heart. How could she have let things go so far? How could she have allowed herself to get carried away? What about Darren? Didn’t their love mean anything to her?
She wanted to cry, to find some solace in the release of emotion, but there weren’t any tears left. She looked down at the framed photograph on her lap. It had been taken about five years before, one of those family portraits sold door-to-door. Darren, like most men, hated the thought of getting all dressed up on a Saturday just to pose for a picture, but Beth had insisted. She looked at the faces of her children, then at the familiar features of the man who had been the most important part of her life for nearly twenty years.
She’d never dated anyone but him, she’d never kissed anyone but him, she’d never needed anyone but him. Oh, when he’d been alive, she’d joked about wanting to see another man naked. She’d complained, as all wives do, about his inability to understand what she was thinking, his reluctance to participate in heart-to-heart conversations. But none of that really mattered. They had a meaningful and shared past.
They’d grown up together. She’d learned to think before she spoke, to try to figure out what was bothering her instead of simply giving him a two-hour emotional dump that rambled and circled around itself. He’d learned how important it was to help around the house, and that spontaneous gifts of flowers, small trinkets, anything that said ‘‘I was thinking about you today’’ brought him untold rewards.
They had discovered, that for them at least, the old adage of never going to bed angry didn’t work. When they were tired they said things they regretted later. As they’d had children and worked together to be good parents they’d learned that sometimes marriages need a time-out, too.
She traced his familiar face, the slightly too-big nose, the glasses, the happy smile. She thought about the fights, when they’d come so close to saying they wanted to break up, only to realize that their love lived on, despite being battered by day-to-day living. She recalled the ebb and flow of their passion, how after twelve or thirteen years of mar riage, they’d rediscovered a love that was as intense and fresh as it had been when they’d first married. In the last couple of years of their lives together, there had been talk of the kids’ college plans and what they would do when they retired. A small place on the water. Maybe they would buy a boat.
Beth clutched the photograph to her chest and rocked back and forth. Darren had been a wonderful man—decent, kind, loving. No matter how bad things had been, he’d never once strayed. They’d survived so much together and they were still in love. How many couples could say that?
She swallowed against her hurt as she remembered the dark days after his death. The children had saved her. Their needs had continued, forcing her to get up each morning and get on with her life. Eventually the sharp pain that had made it nearly impossible to breathe had faded to a dull ache. The ache had slowly lessened, but the sense of having lost something important had remained…until Todd Graham had walked into her life.
Beth glanced at the open boxes on the floor around her. Pieces of her life with Darren. Souvenirs from plays, amusement parks and vacations. Several photo albums including the one from their large wedding. She’d kept his favorite tie, the letters he’d written when his work had taken him away for nearly a year when Jodi had barely been a toddler and she’d been pregnant with Matt.
She’d dug out all these things last night when she hadn’t been able to sleep. She’d gone through them, read the letters, looked at the pictures, and none of it had helped. No matter how she tried, she couldn’t bring Darren back. Her midnight visit to her past had left her feeling more alone than ever.
She’d not only betrayed him, she’d lost him. That’s what hurt the most. He was gone forever. For a while, right after his death, she’d still felt connected with him. Sometimes, when the pain was unbearable, she’d talked to him, telling him how she was feeling, imagining what he would say back to her. The odd ritual had provided some comfort, often just enough to get her through.
She couldn’t talk to him now. Not only did she feel apart from him, the subject matter was hardly fair. What was she going to say? Hi, honey, I nearly had sex with a man last night. What do you think about that?
‘‘Oh, Darren,’’ she breathed. ‘‘I’m so sorry. I never meant to betray you.’’
She closed her eyes. She knew some people would tell her the guilt didn’t make sense. Darren had been gone over eighteen months. She was relatively young and no one expected her to give up her life and remain true to a memory. Nice words, but her remorse over what had happened with Todd told her she wasn’t sure she believed them.
Everything was too confusing. In her head she knew that Darren wouldn’t have expected her to build a shrine to him and spend her days worshiping at the altar. If she had been the one killed in a car accident, she would have wanted him to marry, as long as the woman was willing to love her children and shepherd them through their last few years of growing up. Why would Darren be any less caring and concerned about her?
A voice whispered in her head. She’d been ignoring it for most of the night, but now, with daylight spilling across her bedroom, she found herself forced to listen.
Maybe this isn’t about Darren at all. Maybe it’s about you and Todd.
Maybe it was, she agreed at last. Maybe her guilt was more about fear and wanting to run back to something safe than because she worried about betraying her late husband’s memory.
Could that be possible? Was she hiding behind her past in order to avoid her future?
‘‘Too many questions,’’ she said softly. ‘‘Besides, it’s a nonissue. Todd will never be more than a crush. I’ve already fallen in love once. That’s all I get.’’
But for the first time, the familiar words didn’t ring true. She found herself swept up in a distant memory. She was maybe four or five and her mother was reading her a story about a sleeping princess awakened by the kiss of a handsome prince.
‘‘And they lived happily ever after,’’ her mother had read.
Beth remembered being worried. ‘‘How do you know?’’ she’d asked. ‘‘How do you know they lived happily ever after?’’
‘‘Because her prince is her one true love. Every girl gets one.’’
‘‘But what if I want ten?’’
Her mother had smiled. ‘‘Sorry, munchkin, you just get the one.’’
Beth had believed her because at four or five, it never occurred to her that her mother might make something up to satisfy a child’s curiosity. She’d carried the knowledge with her, making it part of her inner truth. She remembered having fights with Darren early in their marriage. He’d been frustrated, she’d been angry. They’d often ended up speechless, not sure what to do next. She’d usually shrugged and said, ‘‘We’d better find a way to get over it. We’re each other’s true love and we’re stuck together forever.’’
‘‘I want to believe,’’ Beth said now in the quiet of her bedroom. ‘‘I want it to still be true.’’
But she knew too many people who had gone on to love someone else. She was hiding behind that childhood story because it was easier than risking herself again. Falling in love as a teenager was painful and seemed earth-shattering, but the truth was, there wasn’t much to lose. But now, approaching forty, she had an entire life at stake. She couldn’t afford to make a mistake. She had to get it right o
r not do it at all.
It was so much easier to take herself out of the game by saying she’d already had her turn.
Beth stared out the window. She needed to make a decision. If not today, then soon. If she didn’t want to get involved because she was afraid, that was fine. If she wanted to start dating because she didn’t want to be lonely anymore, that was okay, too. But she had to stop lying to herself. She had to stop hiding behind her past and her dreams. She had to accept that Darren was never coming back, that she was a grown-up and responsible for her own life.
‘‘Moments of clarity are never easy,’’ she whispered. ‘‘All this introspection, pain and tears because some handsome guy reminded me that I was alive and still had physical needs.’’
What an odd catalyst, she thought, remembering the horror she’d felt after Todd had left the previous night. She’d been sick with a sense of having betrayed Darren. Now, with a little more thought, she recognized her fear. Todd terrified her because she was attracted to him. He was successful, funny, seemed to like her kids, seemed to like her. They talked, they laughed, he made her body go up in flames… Why wouldn’t she want to be around him?
Darren had been easier. She’d understood what he saw in her. They’d been a lot alike. Same background, same goals, same life-style. With Todd, she couldn’t see her appeal. Why did he want to be with her? Why was he so nice about everything? Was she a temporary diversion from his usual kind of woman?
She didn’t mind if it was the latter. She could use the experience as practice, just as Cindy had suggested. Then, when it was over, she would do better with a man who made more sense for her. For now, she could simply attend the Todd Graham School of Dating.
There was only one small flaw in her plan. That was the issue of her feelings. What if she fell in love with him? She didn’t want to love anyone but Darren.
Her first instinct was to run and hide. She didn’t need this complication in her life. Everything was much easier when it was just her and the kids. But she had a bad feeling that now that she’d been reminded about what it was like to have someone who cared hanging around, she was going to find it difficult to return to her solitary existence.
She wasn’t ready to date, but she was ready to start thinking about dating. The question was: Did she risk staying involved with Todd, or did she wait for someone safer?
‘‘Bravery is highly overrated,’’ she said as she rose to her feet. She put the family picture on her bed, then headed for the bathroom. ‘‘The most logical and sensible thing would be to tell Todd I can’t see him anymore. Why risk it?’’
Except the thought of never seeing him again made her sad. It wasn’t just because he set her on fire when he touched her. It was also because he’d come back with soup for Matt, take-out for them, then he fixed her washer. Flowers were easy. How was she supposed to resist someone thoughtful? The handsome face and great body didn’t hurt, either.
She turned on the water in her shower. So what was it going to be?
*
Jodi was dropped off from her friend’s house around ten-thirty that morning. She banged in through the back door, dumped her book bag and overnight duffel by the family room sofa, then stole two still-warm cookies from the cooling rack.
‘‘I was going to put icing on those,’’ Beth said, glancing at the sugar cookies in her daughter’s hand.
‘‘That will give me an excuse to eat some more later,’’ Jodi teased. ‘‘Just to make sure you have the icing recipe correct.’’
‘‘Oh, thanks so much for your concern. Amazing how I’ve managed all these years whenever I baked while you were in school.’’
Her oldest poured herself a glass of milk, then leaned against the counter and took a sip. ‘‘How’s Matt feeling? What can I do to help?’’
‘‘He’s better, and thanks for the offer, but everything is under control. He’s been keeping food down and he slept though most of the night. Right now he’s in my room, watching videos on my TV.’’
Jodi raised her eyebrows. ‘‘And…how was your date?’’ Beth had known the question was as inevitable as the earth’s rotation. She’d wanted to be prepared to act casual. Despite the faint heat on her cheeks, she kept her voice low and calm. ‘‘Not what either of us expected, but still very nice. He brought over take-out Chinese. The leftovers are in the refrigerator. I thought you’d want them for lunch today.’’
‘‘Oh, great. Thanks. So, go on. What happened?’’
‘‘Nothing very exciting,’’ Beth said, telling herself it was a small lie and barely counted. ‘‘He fixed the washer, we ate dinner, then watched a movie. He was out of here by eleven.’’
Jodi finished her milk. ‘‘Did you have fun?’’
Beth wiped her hands on a dish towel. ‘‘Yes, I did. Does that bother you?’’
Jodi’s long hair was pulled back into a ponytail. Her face was so incredibly beautiful, and so young. ‘‘Todd seems nice,’’ Jodi admitted. ‘‘Not a jerk like some of my friends’ moms’ boyfriends. But it’s weird, you know?’’
‘‘Yes, I do know,’’ Beth said wryly. ‘‘I’m having a little trouble with the whole situation.’’
‘‘I know you loved Dad. He knew it, too. But he’s gone and he’s not coming back.’’ She bit her lower lip. ‘‘I want you to be happy. Matt’s already in high school and I only have one more year until college. I don’t want you to be alone.’’
‘‘You’re just afraid I’ll start collecting cats and be one of those old ladies who talks to themselves.’’
Jodi giggled. ‘‘Then I’d be scared to come home for a visit.’’
‘‘I don’t want that,’’ Beth said. She let her smile fade. ‘‘Just because I’m going out doesn’t mean I’ve decided to remarry. I might find I prefer being on my own. I have to figure what’s right for me. I’m very happy right now. But things change. I just want to make sure you and Matt know that you’ll always come first in my life.’’
‘‘We know.’’
Jodi moved close and gave her a hug. Beth held on tight and wished she didn’t have to ever let go.
‘‘So you don’t mind me seeing Todd?’’ she asked.
Jodi stepped back. ‘‘No. He’s pretty cool. Besides, he doesn’t have kids of his own, so he’s going to spoil us.’’ Interesting logic, Beth thought. ‘‘How do you figure?’’
‘‘He’ll want to impress you with how well we all get along. He doesn’t know how to do the dad stuff, so he’ll try buying us. Matt and I have talked about that. He’s really rich, so maybe you could start hinting that I’d like a car.’’
Beth put her hands on her hips. ‘‘That’s terrible.’’
‘‘Oh, please, like you wouldn’t try for one if you were in my position.’’
Beth opened her mouth, then closed it. At sixteen she would have done exactly the same thing. ‘‘There will be no car hinting. As for the gift buying, you might be right, but I’ll be watching, so don’t get your hopes up.’’
‘‘I won’t.’’ Jodi took another cookie and broke it in two. ‘‘Seriously, Mom, he seems okay. Matt likes him, too. It’s going to be strange, because we miss Dad and nobody can take his place. But we trust you.’’ She glanced at the clock on the microwave and frowned. ‘‘I have tons more homework to do, so I’d better get started. I’ll check on Matt when I go upstairs.’’
Her daughter disappeared with a flick of her red ponytail. Beth stared after her. No matter what else happened in her life, something had gone very, very right with her children, and she was grateful.
*
Todd pulled up in front of the baseball field and got out of his car. It was Wednesday afternoon and he was supposed to be at a marketing meeting, but he’d postponed it so that he could attend Matt’s baseball game.
He’d expected to arrive sooner, but he’d changed his mind about coming and had twice turned around.
Why did he care about some fourteen-year-old kid’s baseball game? Why was he ev
en involved with a woman who had kids? Did he plan to be a surrogate father?
Yeah, right, he thought grimly. All he knew about fathers was that they were never around. A lot of help he would be. He was in over his head. He couldn’t make anything about this relationship work. Except…
Except he liked being around Beth and he liked being around her kids. He liked how she made him feel. He liked the differences and the similarities between them. Maybe he was heading for trouble, but he wasn’t ready to walk away. Not until he figured out where they were headed.
He crossed the half-full parking lot, then walked over to stand by the dugout. Matt’s team was in the outfield, but Todd turned his attention to the bench. Beth had mentioned that while the boy was back in school and that he would suit up for the game, he was still too weak to play.
Matt spotted him and gave an enthusiastic wave. ‘‘Hi,’’ he said, trotting over to stand by the fence.
Despite his concerns, Todd couldn’t help grinning at the kid. ‘‘How’s the game going?’’
Matt frowned, scrunching up his nose until his wire-rimmed glasses bounced with the movement. ‘‘Terrible. We’re behind by three and it’s only the fourth inning.’’
‘‘It’s because you’re not playing. I remember how well you did when I saw you a couple of weeks ago. You hit a double, a sacrifice RBI and a home run. Not bad.’’
Matt glowed. Todd remembered his own sports history and how he’d felt when no one had bothered to come to his football games or ask how they went.
‘‘Mom told me you might stop by,’’ Matt said, ‘‘but I don’t think she believed you.’’
‘‘Is she here?’’
‘‘Yeah. Up in the stands. She’s trying not to stare, but she looked real shocked when you walked up.’’
‘‘Sometimes it’s important to keep women guessing. Otherwise they get to thinking they’re in charge.’’
Matt nodded, as if he appreciated being told something man-to-man. ‘‘I think she likes you,’’ he said. ‘‘You’ve got her nervous, but she says real nice things when she talks about you.’’
Beth and the Bachelor Page 13