‘‘Ouch. I guess now I know what it’s been like living in your shoes.’’
‘‘I’m not trying to hurt you.’’
She sighed. ‘‘I know. You’re telling me the truth. I appreciate that.’’
He cleared his throat. ‘‘I’m not going to call you for a few days. I think you need some time. I’ll be in touch next Friday or Saturday and we can talk again. All right?’’
‘‘Okay. Bye.’’
She hung up the phone. He did the same, then sat alone in the darkness wondering how the hell he was going to survive without her.
*
‘‘Am I crazy?’’ Beth asked.
Cindy took a sip of her iced tea and shrugged. ‘‘You don’t really want an answer to that,’’ her friend told her.
Beth considered the statement. ‘‘I think I do want an answer. I’m confused.’’ She sighed. ‘‘And very, very tired.’’
It was Thursday and she hadn’t talked to Todd since the previous Sunday. Monday morning, flowers had arrived with a card that had been signed with nothing but his name. She didn’t know what he was thinking, which was fine because she didn’t know what she was thinking, either.
‘‘I haven’t slept more than a couple of hours a night since Sunday,’’ she said. ‘‘I can’t think and I can’t stop thinking.’’ She looked at Cindy. ‘‘Was he right about what he said? Did I want him to be completely sure from the beginning and to live with all my doubts without having any of his own? Am I really that horrible?’’
‘‘You’re not horrible, you’re human. There’s a difference.’’
‘‘Maybe, but not a very big one. I want…’’ She drew in a deep breath. ‘‘I want to believe all of it. I want to believe that he loves me and that he’s willing to ride it out through the tough times. But I keep going back to the fact that he’s the most wonderful and amazing man, and I’m just a middle-aged woman with two teenage kids and a part-time job. What on earth does he want with me?’’
Cindy leaned forward. ‘‘You make me crazy. Beth, you’re a terrific person. You’re funny, you’re caring, you’re attractive. I’m willing to bet that Todd thinks you’re great in bed.’’
‘‘Like he can’t get all that in a much younger, much prettier package.’’
‘‘Maybe he can, but you’re the package he wants. You’re the one he’s interested in, not them. Why can’t you just accept the fact that you got very lucky? Because the truth is, Todd got lucky, too. Besides, I don’t think he can get what he has with you with someone else. Assuming you come to your senses and marry the man, he’s going to be getting a woman who will be devoted to him. I saw how you were with Darren. You give a hundred and fifty percent in your relationships. You’re going to make him wonder how he ever survived without you. I’m not talking about cooking and cleaning, because he can hire someone to do that. I’m talking about loving him. You give with your whole heart. From what I’ve seen, Todd can get just about everything else he wants, but no one has ever taken the time or trouble to love him. Of course he’s devoted to you—you’re his fantasy.’’
‘‘You don’t know how much I want to believe you,’’ Beth said, wishing it were that easy. She knew she could love Todd. Perhaps too much. ‘‘I want to have faith, but it’s hard. I didn’t know that starting over would be so difficult.’’
Cindy reached across the table and touched her hand. ‘‘I know what you mean. After my divorce, I was devastated. My ex left me for a much younger woman. I felt abandoned and old, and my entire life was a cliché. I suppose in time I would have started dating, but I didn’t have to. Mike just dropped into my lap. Still, it was hard to have enough faith in myself to trust his feelings. So I understand that part of it.’’ She smiled. ‘‘Why do we as women have such trouble believing the good stuff?’’
‘‘I wish I knew, because then I could start to fix it.’’ Beth knew she didn’t have any answers. Currently all she could think of was questions.
‘‘There’s more, isn’t there?’’ Cindy asked. ‘‘You’re not this upset because you’re afraid Todd’s going to get bored.’’
Beth didn’t ever bother to ask how Cindy knew. They’d been friends long enough to be able to cut to the heart of a matter. ‘‘It’s Darren. I’m not ready to let him go. I’m so afraid if I love Todd, I’ll love him more.’’ She could feel tears burning at her eyes and she blinked them back. ‘‘I can’t do that to my husband. He always has to be first.’’
Cindy stared at her for a long time. ‘‘So rather than risk what you see as your betrayal of Darren, you won’t love Todd at all?’’
It sounded wrong when Cindy said it, but Beth nodded anyway.
Her friend reached across the table and squeezed her hand. ‘‘You don’t ever have to choose. Darren is the father of your children and he was a huge part of your life. He’ll always be with you. You know what? You’re always going to love him. Anyone who knows you wouldn’t expect anything less. But it’s also all right to open your heart to someone else. Someone different. Todd isn’t going to take Darren’s place, he’s going to fill the remaining empty spaces in your heart. Just like I told you, you’re lucky. You will have been loved by two wonderful men. Instead of panicking, be grateful.’’
‘‘But what if I love Todd more?’’
‘‘You can’t. There’s no rating system—not a real one. You will love Todd differently. It might feel stronger in some areas and not as strong in others, but he’ll never replace Darren. Not in your life or your children’s.’’
Beth leaned back in her chair. ‘‘You don’t know how much I want you to be telling the truth.’’ She truly did want to feel that it was all right to love both men. ‘‘I thought it was supposed to be hard, that I was supposed to suffer and meet tons of inappropriate men, then just when I had given up on finding happiness and resigned myself to a life alone, he would come along and we would fall in love.’’
‘‘So it’s the timing that bothers you?’’
Beth hated to admit that, but it was true. She nodded. ‘‘Why me? Why didn’t I have to suffer?’’
Cindy smiled. ‘‘Sometimes life just hands you a gift. Are you going to turn your back on it simply because it doesn’t fit into your preconceived idea of the correct timing?’’
‘‘No. Of course not. It’s just—”
‘‘Stop it!’’ Cindy demanded, holding up her hands. ‘‘If you love him, be with him. If you don’t love him, walk away. This isn’t about Darren or the children or timing or what’s right. It’s about what you feel in your heart. Do you love him and do you want to be with him?’’
Beth stared at her. Did she love Todd Graham? She thought about his acts of kindness, the way he understood her, how they could talk for hours without running out of things to say. She thought about his patience with her children and with herself. How he was honest with her, even when being honest meant presenting himself in a less-than-flattering light. She thought of how he’d told her he’d never loved anyone else and how no one had ever taken the time to love him.
‘‘Yes,’’ she said at last. ‘‘I do love him.’’
‘‘There’s your answer.’’
‘‘As simple as that,’’ Beth said, and knew that Cindy was right.
*
Jodi and Matt stared at her expectantly. Beth wished she’d prepared notes or something before calling her children into a family meeting. But once she’d made up her mind, she’d wanted to talk to them.
‘‘This is about Todd,’’ she began.
Matt’s expression turned worried. ‘‘He hasn’t been over all week. Did you two have a fight?’’
‘‘Not exactly.’’
‘‘He sent flowers,’’ Jodi reminded her brother. ‘‘They look expensive.’’
‘‘Don’t flowers mean that she’s mad at him and he’s trying to say he’s sorry?’’ Matt asked.
Beth shook her head. ‘‘Not in this case. I told Todd I needed some time to think and he’s be
en giving me that.’’ She ignored the flash of fear that said if he really loved her he would have called by now. She couldn’t help feeling the fear, but after her talk with Cindy she’d vowed not to act on it so quickly.
Both children sat on the family-room sofa, with Beth perched on the edge of the coffee table in front of them. ‘‘I’ve been dating Todd for several months now and I wanted to talk about how you feel about him.’’
The teenagers glanced at each other. As the oldest, Jodi was the automatic spokesperson. ‘‘He’s nice,’’ she said. ‘‘We like him.’’
‘‘Yeah, he’s cool,’’ Matt agreed. ‘‘At first I was kinda worried because he’s so rich and stuff. Plus you’re not real used to men like him. But I talked to him when I first met him and he listened. Even though I’m just some kid. I respect him, Mom. He’s a good guy.’’
Beth felt her mouth drop open. She closed it and stared at her son. ‘‘You talked to Todd about me?’’
‘‘Sure. I had to. With Dad gone, it’s up to me to take care of you.’’
She knew it was a guy thing and she didn’t have a prayer of understanding it, so it was best to be grateful that she had such terrific children and let it go. ‘‘Thank you,’’ she said. ‘‘I think.’’
‘‘Are you two going to get married?’’ Jodi asked.
‘‘I don’t know,’’ Beth answered truthfully. ‘‘I think we might be moving in that direction.’’ Assuming she hadn’t blown everything by taking so long to figure out how much she cared, she thought grimly. ‘‘How do you two feel about that? I agree that Todd is a good man. If we were to get m-married—”she could barely choke out the word. ‘‘Well, he wouldn’t be taking your father’s place. No one can do that.’’
She leaned toward her two wonderful offspring and smiled. ‘‘Your dad was a very special and wonderful person. We were all lucky to know him. No matter what happens for the rest of your life, you need to remember that. He loved you both so much. You meant everything to him.’’
‘‘He loved you, too,’’ Matt said.
Beth nodded. ‘‘I know. After he was gone, the memories of our lives together often helped me hang on. That and you two. If he hadn’t died, he and I would still be together. Our marriage was very strong. We loved each other.’’ She paused. Now for the hard part. She wanted to explain things to her children, but without giving them more information that they would want or need. That delicate balancing act was made more difficult by the fact that she didn’t understand everything herself.
‘‘I thought I would be alone for a long time,’’ she said. ‘‘I wasn’t interested in dating. I have my job, I have you guys, I have a great life. I thought maybe someday I would look around for a man to go out with, but that wasn’t important to me.’’
She studied her children and their earnest expressions. Love filled her. If nothing else, her kids were a shining testament to her life.
‘‘Then I met Todd. At first I didn’t think we had anything in common.’’
Jodi shook her head. ‘‘None of that matters. He’s crazy about you, Mom. We can all see it.’’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘‘With all my friends’ parents getting divorced and stuff, I’m glad to know people really do fall in love. I like Todd.’’ Her pretty mouth twisted. ‘‘I’d rather have Dad back, but I know that’s not going to happen. So I say go for it.’’
‘‘Yeah, Mom,’’ Matt agreed. ‘‘He doesn’t know much about being a dad, but that’s okay. We’ll teach him.’’ He paused as color stained his still smooth cheeks. ‘‘I kinda talked to Mike about him a while back. When we were over at their house for a barbecue.’’
‘‘You did?’’ Beth frowned. Cindy had never mentioned it. Probably because Mike hadn’t told his wife, she realized. Guy talk required a certain level of privacy and trust. She wasn’t worried. She knew if it had been something terrible, Mike would have told her. He might tease her about a lot of things, but he was one of the good guys, too. ‘‘What did you two talk about?’’
Matt shrugged. ‘‘Stuff. I was confused because I like Todd a lot, but I love my dad. And I miss him. Mike said it was okay to let Todd into my life. He said that we can love a lot of people at the same time. It doesn’t mean we’re disloyal, it means that we’re living up to our potential as human beings. The capacity to love and feel compassion is one of the things that makes us special.’’
Beth was impressed. ‘‘Mike said that?’’
‘‘Yeah. So, if you want to marry Todd, that’s fine.’’ He hesitated. ‘‘The thing is, I’d want to keep Dad’s last name. You know, for tradition and all that.’’
She hadn’t thought she had any tears left, but her eyes began to burn. Before she gave in, she swung around and settled between her children on the sofa and hugged them both close.
‘‘Of course you’ll want to keep your father’s name. I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. I love you both very much.’’
They hugged her back. ‘‘We love you, too,’’ Jodi said. Matt rested his chin on her shoulder. ‘‘You think Todd will buy me a car?’’
‘‘No. I wouldn’t let him. Besides, you’re only fourteen.’’ Matt grinned. ‘‘Yeah, but I could go sit in it every day after school and all the guys would think I was so incredibly cool.’’
‘‘Not in this lifetime.’’
‘‘He’ll buy me one when I’m sixteen.’’
The kid was probably right. Todd would spoil her children because he loved them. Fortunately they were grounded enough to handle it.
‘‘So when’s the wedding?’’ Jodi asked.
‘‘I’m not sure.’’
Beth sighed. One hurdle down and one to go. She’d talked to her children. Now she had to talk to the man who had offered her his heart, only to have her walk all over it. Was he going to give her another chance?
She realized it didn’t matter. Regardless of what he said when she got in touch with him, she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. She’d come too far and learned too much to give up on him now.
*
Mrs. Alberts, his secretary, walked into his office a little after five. She rarely came in without an invitation, but that wasn’t what got Todd’s attention. Instead it was the tuxedo and white shirt she held. In her other hand were a pair of his dress shoes.
‘‘You’ll need to get changed,’’ she told him. ‘‘There isn’t much time.’’
‘‘Excuse me?’’
She walked into the private bathroom off the left side of his office and hung up his suit. ‘‘I called the concierge at your building and had him get your tuxedo. The limo will be here in thirty minutes. That should give you enough time to shower and change.’’
He touched his computer keyboard until the screen displayed his calendar. He had nothing planned for the evening. It was Friday, nearly a week after his disastrous parting with Beth. He’d planned on calling her this evening. Despite her fears and her past, he was going to force her to talk to him, or at least listen while he explained how they couldn’t turn their backs on each other. He’d spent his whole life looking for love and he wasn’t going to give it up now that he’d found it. Somehow he would convince her that they belonged together.
In the meantime, he had to deal with his secretary. ‘‘I don’t have anything on my schedule,’’ he told Mrs. Alberts. Even if he did, he wasn’t about to go anywhere except home to call Beth.
His secretary smiled at him. A warm, knowing smile he didn’t think he’d seen before. ‘‘It’s a last-minute thing, Mr. Graham, but I’m sure you’ll want to go. As I said, the limo will be waiting downstairs at five-thirty. Beth is waiting for you at the Westin Hotel.’’
He sat, stunned, unable to question her further. She gave him another smile and left him. When the door closed, he sprang to his feet to go after her, then fell back into his seat. Beth was waiting for him? Beth?
The cold dread that had settled into the corners of his life since she’d walked out on him the previous Sunday
began to ease a little. She wouldn’t be inviting him to a hotel to give him bad news, would she? That sort of thing could be shared over the phone, or even in a letter.
He knew there was no point in speculating. He would learn the truth when he saw her. Even so, hope flared inside of him as he quickly showered and dressed in his tuxedo. So they were going formal, were they?
Fifteen minutes later, he was on his way out the door. In his right front jacket pocket sat a small, black velvet box. Maybe he was setting himself up for more disappointment, but he couldn’t resist taking a chance. She was all he’d ever wanted. Now that he’d found her, he wasn’t going to let her get away again.
At the front desk of the luxurious hotel, he told the clerk his name and was handed an envelope. Inside was a room key and a short note.
I was promised a date with one of Houston’s most eligible bachelors. Due to a case of nerves on my part, that date never happened. So tonight I request the honor of your presence for an evening that should have been, the very first night we met.
Her words made him smile…and want to believe it was going to work out for them.
Todd crossed to the elevator, then waited impatiently for the car to arrive. Minutes later he headed toward the top of the high-rise, then stepping into a thickly carpeted corridor and walking to the room number written at the bottom of her note. He put the key into the electronic lock and turned the handle on the door. It opened with a slight click.
The first thing he noticed was the soft music and the muted light inside the beautifully decorated suite. Flowers filled several vases and scented the room. The drapes had been opened, giving him a view of the city that was not unlike the one from his penthouse.
Something moved in the shadows. He turned and saw Beth standing there, watching him. She wore the same dress she’d had on at the charity function they’d attended together. Her expression was welcoming, but her fidgeting fingers betrayed her nervousness. Love filled him. No matter what, he had to convince her to trust him. She was all he’d been looking for.
‘‘Thank you for coming,’’ she said. ‘‘I hope you’re not angry that I had your secretary help me plan this. I sort of wanted it to be a surprise.’’
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