“I can’t stand the thought of these last two months being ruined by a silly argument.”
“It’s not so silly, is it?”
She sighed. “Like I said, it’s not like we have another month to figure things out.”
“True.” He hated this moment, knowing she’d say goodbye and it could be another ten years before he saw her again. He reached for her hand and she let him take it. “Will you call me when you get there?”
“Sure.”
He knew in his gut she wouldn’t. They’d reached a truce. Nothing more. The word “love” wouldn’t be uttered. For better or worse, they’d settled that.
She leaned over and kissed him. Unlike any of the other times, this was a parting kiss, and it tasted unbelievably bitter.
Then he sat there like one of those sculptures at the museum, and foolishly let her go.
CHAPTER TEN
One month later…
WES HAD FINISHED a thirty-minute procedure for carpal tunnel repair in outpatient surgery. He’d just successfully released the ligament over the affected nerve in the forty-year-old female patient’s left wrist. If all went well, she’d soon be pain free, and the one-inch incision would heal and look like part of her “lifeline” on the palm.
Since returning to work, the head of his department, Ram Ramanathan, had suggested he cut his teeth with the shorter procedures. Thrilled to be back in the OR on any level, he’d agreed to start slowly and work his way back to the more complicated and time-consuming surgeries. The wrist nerve repairs were the perfect first step.
Even with the new “standing” wheelchair, he’d found being strapped into an upright position difficult to tolerate for long periods of time. Three to four carpal tunnel repairs were about all he could tolerate in a day. As most neurosurgeries took several hours, he was content to build up his tolerance, right there in day surgery. Most importantly, since returning to work he had distraction from his twenty-four-seven thoughts about Mary and how completely wrong he’d played his hand.
Returning the specially made wheelchair to the sitting position, he took a deep breath, and, glad to relieve the pressure around his chest, he rubbed the area, then released his legs from the thigh and shin straps. Though he couldn’t feel his legs, he knew it was important to do some quick passive ROM exercises to help with circulation. After stripping off the dirty OR gown and gloves, he rolled into the post-surgical room and washed his hands.
A few minutes later, fresh scrubs donned under his white OR coat, he’d returned to his office for a few remaining appointments. As often happened, his mind drifted to the one who had got away, Mary. Instead of calling when she’d arrived in Astoria, like she’d promised, she’d merely mailed him a card. He still kept the envelope with her new address in his office desk drawer just to look at her writing, knowing her fingers had once touched it. Damn, he missed her.
In the card, Mary apologized for how things had turned out, then told him briefly about her new job. She’d stepped in as lead PT in a small hospital situated in a beautiful town tucked beside the Columbia River called Astoria. He could imagine her tiny house fitting in perfectly there, but hoped she didn’t plan to stay there beyond the six weeks she’d agreed to in her work contract, while the regular lead PT took a cruise around the world.
Not wanting to mess up her plans, he’d kept his feelings to himself about how much he missed her, and wished beyond hope she’d come back. Instead, he’d sent a cordial yet contrite text message in response.
I’m sorry too. Glad you made it there safe and sound. Keep in touch.
What a jerk. He didn’t deserve a great woman like Mary Harris. Not because he was in a wheelchair, but because at the age of thirty-seven he still didn’t know how to love a woman the way she deserved. He wanted to. Was pretty damn sure Mary was the one person he could learn with, too.
He shook his head, remembering how he’d teased her about waiting for “that one special person”. What had he known at the time? That had been before he’d finally gotten to know the most amazing woman in the world. Regardless, their relationship was out of his hands now. She worked in Oregon and he in California.
His computer lit up with an odd jingle. A video call. He considered ignoring the computer call—he’d explain later how busy he was—until he glanced at the monitor. Mary’s name flashed.
Shaken, he quickly accepted the call, adrenaline suddenly perking him up. In a flutter of nerves he knocked the computer mouse off the desk. He quickly bent to pick it up, hoping he hadn’t accidentally disconnected the call before it’d started. But when he sat back up, there was her beautiful face, on his computer monitor screen. She took his breath away, and he didn’t have a second to prepare, yet there was so much he wanted to say.
No. She made the call. Let her talk first. See where it leads.
“Harris, how are you?” He did his best to sound casual but, with his pulse fluttering in his throat, he came off as anything but.
“I’m great. Beyond great.” She definitely looked ecstatic, her eyes bright, shining with tears. Happy tears. “I wanted you to be the first to know, Wes.”
“What? Is everything all right?”
She nodded vehemently. Some hair fell across her eyes, and she quickly brushed it away. “Couldn’t be better. Perfect, in fact.” She took a moment to compose herself. “So here’s the news—you’ve held up your end of the bargain after all.”
What? Now he really couldn’t catch his breath. “You’re…?”
“Yes,” Again she nodded like a bobble head. “I’m pregnant!” She held a home pregnancy test strip, colored pink for positive, close to the computer camera for proof. “It’s positive. I’ve tested two mornings in a row before calling just to make sure. We did it!” She pulled back the strip, her face coming into view again. Those bright green eyes broke into tears, though she grinned happily. “Thank you, Wes.” She swiped at some of the tears making their way down her cheeks, but it was a futile gesture.
He wanted to touch her, to hold her in the worst way, to comfort her, hating the miles and the computer screen between them. Though frustrated with their separation at a time like this, tingles descended down his spine as he took in the significance of what she’d said. He’d fathered a child. He was going to be a father! A miracle, or meant to be?
Remembering their cold and calculated bargain, he kept cool. “One good swimmer, hey, Harris?”
She laughed, though he swore he could see a hint of sadness in her gaze. “Yes. All it took.”
“Th-that’s fantastic.” What was he supposed to say? The woman he loved was pregnant with their baby. She’d bargained for that baby. Remember? She’d fallen in love with his niece Rose, and suddenly couldn’t live without one of her own. He couldn’t let her down by showing his true feelings. That he loved her and missed her and didn’t know if he could go on without her. Or their baby.
Some strange yearning started building slowly, but he didn’t have time to figure it out.
The new information certainly put an added spin on things, which had been complicated enough before her getting pregnant. Though shaken to the core, he pasted on his best happy face. Something he was sorely out of practice on. What the hell was he supposed to do now? That’s great. Carry on without me. Have a good life. Damn it all to hell.
“I don’t want to interfere with your work,” she said, “but I’ve been bursting to tell you.”
“You’re not interfering.” Hang on to her as long as you can. Though he did have an afternoon of appointments waiting. “I’m so glad you called.”
“And I’m so happy you’re back working. I was told you were in surgery this morning when I first called your office. That’s wonderful. Everything we worked for we’ve accomplished.”
“Even getting you pregnant.” The biggest and most confusing shocker of all. That odd feeling seemed to be snowballing.
“Yes! Everything. Well, I won’t keep you. I’ll call again soon, though. I—”
Don’t let her say it. Because then you’ll have to be honest and tell her how you feel about her, and everything will change. Am I ready for that? Lover. Father. Husband?
“Uh, me, too, Harris. Me too.”
Keep her wondering what I mean, and keep guessing what she was about to say.
“I love you” would have been his top choice. He’d had more than enough time to think about that unspoken phrase. Though long overdue, under the new circumstances, a baby, everything had changed!
She disconnected and her beautiful face disappeared from the screen. The room felt immediately empty, though the news had certainly knocked his socks off. She was pregnant!
He sat transfixed for several moments, considering his options. Theirs had been a bargain, both had gotten what they’d wanted. That should be that, right?
Not on your life. Everything had changed. He’d sworn the day she’d left that if she were pregnant everything would’ve been different. He wouldn’t have let her leave. He wanted to be a father to his baby, not a long-distance parent but a dad every single day of his child’s life. And because he’d fallen in love with her. When he finally told her, he needed to do it in person, not on some computer screen phone!
Wes picked up his work phone. “Ram? It’s Wesley. Listen, I know I’ve only just come back to work. What’s that? Yes, things are going very well, but I do have a problem. I need to take off a few days. I have some pressing business to take care of. No, it has nothing to do with my medical issues. I need to make a quick trip to Oregon. Could you ask Beverly to clear my schedule for the next few days?”
Once he’d hung up the phone, between seeing his afternoon patients he went online and booked the first flight to Portland, Oregon, for early the next morning. Then, when a patient failed to show for an appointment, he took advantage of the time to find a car rental that could accommodate his special need for hand controls. Because it was his first flight since becoming paraplegic, he decided to use the electric wheelchair to navigate the airport for greatest ease. But first, because he was back working and took his responsibility as a doctor seriously, he finished his remaining afternoon appointments in the clinic.
There were many obstacles complicating his getting to Mary the next day, but now that he’d come to his senses about what he needed and wanted to do, nothing would stop him. He grabbed the envelope in his desk with her new address, shoved it in his briefcase and rode out the office door.
*
Mary had had a particularly busy day and felt exhausted. The early pregnancy seemed to drain her of all her energy. And this was only the beginning. How would she handle it by herself when things got really tough?
Insecurity gripped her as she drove home. Could she do everything alone? Wes had said he wanted to be involved, but how involved would that be? And he hadn’t said a peep about any of that yesterday when she’d called. Maybe she’d made a mistake. Not on her life. She wanted this baby with every cell in her body. Knowing life was growing inside was the most thrilling sensation ever. She couldn’t wait to hold her newborn in her arms. This bout of uncertainty had everything to do with hormones and nothing to do with her bold plans. She’d overcome a heck of a lot worse things in life. Having a baby would definitely take getting used to, but she’d find her support system and make it work. She had to.
She honestly didn’t know what she’d expected when she’d called and told Wesley the news yesterday. A part of her, way inside her heart, had hoped he would propose on the spot. Stupid, wishful thoughts. She’d bargained for this baby and he’d certainly enjoyed his part of the process. Then she’d left abruptly. Hell, he could already be dating some new woman and moving on with his life. Either the thought or the hormones sickened her in a quick wave.
She pulled the pickup truck into the secluded driveway that led to a small man-made pond next to which she’d been lucky enough to park her tiny house. As she neared the cement pad where she hooked up to water and electricity, she saw an unfamiliar van. She parked on the opposite side of her house and when she got out she heard the other vehicle’s doors slam shut.
Mary walked around to the front of her house and nearly stumbled and fell when she saw Wesley in his electric wheelchair, waiting for her. Her circulation took a dive from head to stomach at the sight. She needed to hold on to something, so she grabbed the porch railing to her house for support.
His coffee and cream eyes were guarded yet determined.
Still in shock, she managed to squeak out some words. “Wes! What are you doing here?”
“I love you. I need you. Figured it was about time I told you.”
Positive she wouldn’t be able to take a single step on such shaky legs, she clutched the wood tighter and stayed put.
He moved his electric wheelchair, covering half the distance between them. “You need me. Our baby needs us.” He managed a smile, his lips trembling nearly imperceptibly, but she could tell he was as nervous as she was. “Since you left I discovered there’s something much worse than being paraplegic. Loneliness. I don’t want a life without you.”
She swallowed against a paper-dry throat. Was she imagining this perfect moment?
“Let me be a real father to our child.” Her gaze shot upward, hardly able to believe what she was hearing. She tried to take a breath but could only manage a pant. He waited until her shock wore off and her eyes settled back on his. “Please.”
Wes had just said the fantasy words she’d been waiting and dying to hear all her life, but especially for the last two months. Oh, hell, she’d blame the sudden onset of tears on the hormones, as she knew too much information was about to flood out from her heart. She took a trial step toward him, still not trusting her legs. “I’ve loved you since I was fifteen, Wes.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” He reached out for her, his eyes softened and full of emotion but still stunned over what he’d just said, and she couldn’t make herself move.
“I was afraid.” Her hand flew to her stomach and her gaze dropped to the ground. “I never dared dream you could love a girl like me.”
“A girl like you? You mean the most wonderful woman in my life?”
She looked at him again, unable to believe this moment was really happening. He’d shown up out of the blue from another state, which took some planning for a guy like him. He’d obviously been waiting for her. Now he’d confessed he loved her and wanted to be a part of her life.
How much more goodness could she take? Afraid she’d crumble if she let go, she held fast to the porch railing.
He studied her, an understanding expression on his face. Then he must have realized he hadn’t said enough, even though he’d told her he loved her and wanted to be with her. Yes, she was that insecure where he was concerned.
So he began. “You were the first girl to ever take my breath away. At my sister’s wedding, you looked more beautiful than the bride, and all I could think about was wanting to get you out of that dress. I was supposed to be engaged, but I couldn’t think straight around you. What if, I thought, what if I went for it with Mary? Would she even want me?”
Her head spun with the information that would have changed the very course of her life back then. Why hadn’t they gone for it?
“I’ve always been selfish, Harris, you know that. If I’d reached out for you then, if we’d gotten together, I would have blamed you for anything that went wrong.” He dug fingers into now longer and fuller hair from the last time she’d seen him. She stood quiet, barely breathing, but taking in every word her spoke. Someday she’d want to savor these moments again, so she needed to memorize his face and what he was saying.
“Hell, I might have been like my father and blamed you for my becoming a paraplegic. Who knows? Because I didn’t know how to open my heart up and love someone back then.” He moved closer, dividing their distance by half again, until she could see the self-doubt in his eyes and the longing to make her understand. She began to relax, her fingers letting go of their death-like clutch on
the wood railing.
“The point is, Harris, I’ve changed, and you’re the one who changed me. You showed up uninvited and wouldn’t take no for an answer, and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why you stuck around. I was horrible to you, because you mixed me up, made me remember old feelings. Hell, I was in a wheelchair, what good were old feelings anyway? But you wouldn’t let me get away with excuses. I started waking up every morning looking forward to seeing you, to getting to know you all over again.
“I was shocked how much you’d changed. How confident and skilled you were. How beautiful and sexy. My God, I couldn’t quit thinking about you, and it bugged the hell out of me. What was the point? Why fall for the most lovable lady on the planet when nothing could come of it?
“You led me back to the living, and we made our pact with the devil, and, heaven help me, you made me feel like a man again. You may have thought I wasn’t man enough to tell you how I really felt but the truth was I didn’t want to trap you or tie you down with me. What did I have to offer you?”
She whimpered, sadness draining her, remembering their tragic and complicated story, the one she’d thought through a thousand times but had never come up with a satisfying ending to, until today. Until right now.
“The point of all this is everything has changed. I finally realize I love you with all my heart and soul, but only because you taught me how to love in the first place.” A tiny ironic laugh slipped through his lips. “You once called me your life-changer. Well, it’s you who changed me, and I love you for it, and I want with everything I have to be a real father to our baby, not just some sperm donor.”
She drew her fist to her mouth, trying not to sob. He was for real. There was no doubting his intentions or sincerity.
“But the big question is, since you’re still hugging those railings and I’m laying my guts on the line for you, will you have me? For better or worse?” He gestured toward his legs and the wheelchair. “The future won’t be easy with me, but I want to go there with you. If you’ll let me.”
Miracle for the Neurosurgeon Page 15