by Roya Carmen
He threw me on the sofa and stretched himself on top of me. He slid his hot mouth along my collarbone. “Is this okay, Abigail?” he asked, breathless. The sound of his labored breathing aroused me more than I could have imagined. “You can ask me to stop.”
“No…” I moaned. “You feel so good. I want this.”
He traveled down my chest, roughly pulled at the collar of my t-shirt and freed my breast from my bra cup. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered before taking my breast in his mouth. My core tightened and my pulse pounded between my legs. The sensation was completely foreign but amazing. He traveled back to my mouth, and I was eager to taste him again.
I reached for his arousal and he groaned. I smiled at the thought of bringing him pleasure. I fiddled nervously with the fly of his jeans, and when I finally reached into his briefs, I was curious. I’d never touched one before. He moaned as I explored him, as I pleasured him. He was so hard, but also soft to the touch.
He grunted as he pulled away. He rose as fast as one of those boxing clowns. He quickly did himself up. “Uh… this has gone too far, kid.”
I was livid… and heartbroken. Kid?
“I need a really long shower, and you need to go back home, kid.”
I sat up, and pulled myself together again. “Stop calling me kid,” I snapped. “You’ve seen me. You’ve touched me. You know I’m not a kid.”
“Do you even have a condom on you?” he chided.
“Nope. Don’t you have any?”
“That’s not the point, Abigail. You need to be prepared. You don’t want to end up knocked up at seventeen, do you?”
I thought of Jocelyn Bertrand who was in fact, seventeen, and knocked up. She’d had to leave school the week before, and no one knew who the father was. “No,” I replied meekly.
He sat next to me, as far as he could. “Besides, I don’t want to use a condom with you.”
I stared at him, wide-eyed.
“I don’t want to take chances,” he went on. “Condoms are not one-hundred percent, you know.”
I nodded. “I know. I took health class.”
“Well, then you know what we need to do,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m willing to get checked out,” he said. “Make sure I’m clean as a whistle… but, I need you to go see the doctor too. I want you on the pill.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was all so business-like. But he was just looking out for me.
He rose and smiled down at me. “Until then, we should really stay away from each other.”
I grinned. “I’ll go tomorrow,” I joked.
“Yeah… you better be quick,” he bit at his lower lip, and I wanted to kiss him so badly. Instead, I got to my feet and headed to the front door.
I could be patient.
I knew he would definitely be worth it.
Adele is wearing my favorite apron, the one covered with big red hearts. We’re making homemade popsicles. She’s stirring a can of concentrate orange juice into a jug of water. Izzie and I are eagerly waiting for her to be done because we both have popsicle trays to fill. Little Abe is playing Elton John’s I’m Still Standing on the old upright piano in the corner. He’s singing at the top of his lungs. He’s quite good.
Izzie goes first, making a real mess of things, giggling her rear off. Adele raises her eyes skyward, ever the patient mom. When my turn comes, I’m more methodical, priding myself in my accuracy. I don’t spill a single drop. Adele claps. Izzie shrugs. And little Abe sings.
I wake with a start. I smile at the recollection. I’m liking these nostalgic dreams, memories of my youth, much better than the bike ride nightmares I’ve had for years. I don’t know why I’ve suddenly started having the pleasant dreams instead. Perhaps it’s because I’m no longer stressed about my divorce, about Michael and losing my job, about a job search.
Finally, I’m content. I’m happy with Noah and my new job. Everything is going well.
It almost seems too good to be true.
26
It was a bright end-of-spring afternoon, and I was on my way to the convenience store to grab a Kit Kat when Simon nearly crashed into me with his new bike. He liked to come up behind people and turn his wheel at the last second and scare the shit out of us.
“Simon,” I scoffed
“What’s up?”
“Nothing. Stop doing that to me.” I glared at him as I walked. He hopped off his bike and walked with me. He was holding a pillow case full of what I thought were packs of cigarettes.
He was all smiles, his golden hair shining under the sun, his bright blue eyes full of mischief. “How’s it going?”
“What have you got there?” I asked, curious.
“Some CDs. I’ve got a bunch.” He opened the bag and let me rummage. He did have a great selection. Eminem, nSync, Britney Spears…
“Coldplay… I already have that one,” I told him.
“You like those wusses?”
“What if I do? What do you care?”
“I have the new Madonna.”
“The new Madonna sucks, but I’ll take the Eminem.”
“You like that weirdo,” he teased
I didn’t care where he got the CDs. I didn’t need to ask. I knew he often hopped the bus, went to the mall, and got the five finger special. He was quite good at it. The kid had some serious skills. Everyone has a talent and this was his. Nothing wrong with that.
“How much?”
“Five bucks. But for you, I’ll give you two for one.”
I smiled. “I have some money at home. I’ll owe you. I’ll take Britney Spears too.”
“You want a ride?”
“Here, put these back in the bag.” I handed him the CDs, and hopped on his handle bars.
When we got to the store, I was surprised to see Izzie sitting on the porch.
“Hey, moron.” Izzie didn’t usually greet Simon at all. This was a step forward.
“Hey, Izzie. You want to buy some CDs?”
“What have you got?”
“Take a look for yourself. Five bucks.”
“Rip-off.” She didn’t even bother looking.
“Well, see you gals later,” Simon waved and swerved off.
It was still chilly outside, but she wore very short frayed jeans shorts and a bright pink tank top. Although she did have a long sleeve button cardigan on. “What’s up, Abby? Haven’t seen you for a while.”
I nodded quietly. Yes, I had been missing in action. “Well, you know me. When it’s cold out, I like to stay in.” Stay in with my sexy older neighbor. I really wished I could confide in her, but I was smart enough to know that would be a bad idea. Izzie could be vengeful, and I couldn’t quite trust her to keep my secret.
I hated that I couldn’t tell her what was going on in my life. If the circumstances had been different, I would have confessed that I’d just spent two hours after school the day before at the doctor’s office to get the pill. I would have told her that I had to hide it at the bottom of my toiletry bag and be extra careful to not leave it in the bathroom for my brothers and dad to discover. I would have admitted that I was scared shitless about having sex for the first time. Scared but excited. I hated that I couldn’t ask her for advice about my first time, because I really needed it.
She downed a sip of her Diet Coke. “Whatever.”
“I’m just gonna go grab a chocolate bar. I’ll be right out,” I told her. “Don’t go anywhere.”
When I came back out, she was still sitting there, obviously still upset. She always hid her emotions. I knew I’d have to dig. I took a seat next to her in the empty Adirondack chair. I ripped open the red wrapping of my Kit Kat, slid out the chocolate and admired it for a long beat. I broke off a stick and offered it to her. She accepted, a whisper of a smile on her lips. I broke a piece off for myself, and ate the chocolate covering first.
“Where have you been?” she asked again, but this time there was an accusatory note in her words. “I miss you. Sometime
s, a girl needs her best friend, ya know.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, genuinely apologetic. “I’ll try to be around more.” I was surprised by this turn of events. Izzie was surrounded by an amazing family, relatives at every corner who adored her, and she lit up a room with her charm, beauty and charisma as soon as she entered it. She never struck me as someone who needed anyone.
“Are you okay?” I asked because she didn’t seem okay.
We both stared at the wooden planks on the porch floor. I wondered how many dropped coins were hiding under there. “I just…” she hesitated. “Things have not been going that good…” her words trailed off.
Good with what? I wondered.
“I’m seeing someone older,” she went on. “I told you before…”
“Yes, you did but you won’t tell me who it is.” I wasn’t the only one with secrets.
She raked a hand through her long golden hair and that’s when I spotted a bruised wrist. “What happened there?” I asked. “Your wrist?”
She quickly jerked her wrist and hid it again in the sleeve of her sweater. “It’s nothing… I was helping my mom with stuff.”
This was suspicious. Izzie wasn’t exactly the helping type, as lazy as they come, used to everyone pandering to her. I was concerned. Was this older guy being rough with her? If anyone could handle herself, it was Izzie. She was girly, but also rough around the edges. We all were, having grown up at the park.
“Where did you get that necklace?” she asked, briskly changing the subject.
I was confused for a beat, but then as my hand reached for the heart pendant Gavin had given me, I remembered. I’d forgotten to take it off. I usually never wore it out in public. “Oh… this…” I said. “It’s just a cheap necklace I got at the mall.”
“It’s pretty.” She smiled. “I didn’t think you even liked jewelry that much.”
I shrugged. “I guess I’m getting girly in my old age.”
She laughed, and so did I.
We were both laughing, and neither of us said another word. I should have told her about Gavin then, and she should have told me about her mysterious man. Perhaps if I’d opened up to her then, everything would have turned out differently. And maybe both she and Gavin would still be alive today.
Perhaps I’d still be in my hometown, living a completely different life.
It’s Tuesday afternoon when I find out about Madison’s custody case. I’m smack in the middle of eating a BLT sandwich when Melanie tells me the news. Custody has been awarded to Colette’s sister for a six month trial. If all goes well, it will be a permanent arrangement until Madison reaches the age of eighteen.
“Her parents are surprisingly okay with it,” Melanie tells me. “I think they realize it’s what’s best for everyone involved.”
I think about Madison in her new pretty room, and I smile. “Will we be closing the case?”
She shakes her head, and steals one of my potato chips. “Oh no… we’ll still need to monitor them. Three court appointed visits in the next few months.”
“Let me guess… me?”
She smiles. “Of course.” She steals another potato chip. “You’ve been doing a great job, by the way.”
My heart swells at her words. This is what this is all about after all… helping people and being good at my job, making a difference.
As soon as she leaves, I pick up the phone and call Noah. Normally I would call one of the girls, but lately I’ve been calling Noah every time, good or bad.
“That’s amazing,” he says. “Congrats.”
“Yes, it’s the outcome we were hoping for.”
“How about a celebratory dinner at your place,” he suggests. “I could make my famous gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches.”
“My place?” I ask, confused, wondering why we’re not doing this at his loft.
“Yeah… well, I’m still not set up, you know,” he says. “I don’t even have a potato masher.”
I laugh. “I don’t have a potato masher either.”
“And you call yourself a good cook?”
I smile. “A good baker,” I clarify. “I never said anything about being a good cook.”
“Oh, you’re good all right,” he teases. “You’re good at a lot of things.”
It was early June, and the air was crisp and fresh. Spring had said goodbye and had left us flowers and leafy trees. Of course, being teenagers, we didn’t appreciate her offerings at all. Instead, we were hanging at the arcade, smoking up. Or Izzie was, to be precise. We were with Pete and his gang. A few of Izzie’s older cousins were there too, jerking at pinball machines, trying to impress two trampy girls milling about. Kelly and Karla were inseparable and rumor was, they were into threesomes. Karla wore short skirts and way too much eye makeup. And Kelly favored too-tight skinny jeans and heels she could barely walk in.
These were the kind of girls the boys in my neighborhood liked, and I was more than thankful for that. Most of them left me alone. I suppose they weren’t too aroused by my loose boy jeans and my Converses. And on the bus, my head was usually buried in a book.
“C’mon, Abby,” Izzie pleaded. “Just one toke.”
I winced, not knowing what to do. I was surrounded by boys, and knew I had a goody-two-shoes reputation. I didn’t like it at all. I took the joint from Izzie’s fingers, and reluctantly brought it to my mouth. I inhaled a quick one, and coughed immediately.
The boys erupted into laughter. And so did Izzie. “Rookie,” Pete mocked.
Everyone was cracking up at my expense. Everyone but Gavin. He was standing in the corner, watching us. The look he shot me couldn’t have been interpreted any other way — the man was livid, like a dad catching his daughter. I knew he wouldn’t come to me, for fear of appearances. We were still being very careful, for his sake as well as mine.
I handed the joint back to Izzie. “I need a drink,” I announced and dashed off to the convenience store. Gavin followed me to the drinks refrigerator. I perused my choices, opened the glass door, and reached for an orange Gatorade.
“I’ll get that for you” he said, and then added in a whisper, “I want to talk to you.”
I stepped out of the convenience store, and he lingered inside for a while. My heart swelled when I caught sight of him.
“What were you doing?” he scoffed.
“It was just one toke,” I pointed out. “They were all doing it.”
“Oh, I see… and if they all jumped off a bridge, you would jump too?”
I smirked at him. “Depends. How high is this bridge?”
He shook his head. “Don’t be smart. I don’t want you to get into that stuff, okay. You promise me you never will?”
He was so worked up, I had no other choice but to agree with him. “Yes, Sir. I promise.”
“It’s not funny, Abigail. I don’t even want you to take up smoking. I watched my mother suffer from lung cancer for two years. No one should ever live through that.”
My eyes grew wide. He’d never talked about his mother before. “Was she okay?”
“No,” he snapped. “She died.”
“Oh…”
He inched closer and took my hand. “I don’t want you to get into all that stuff… smoking, weed, booze.”
“Trust me,” I said. “You don’t have to worry. I watch my dad every day, and my mom kind of left her mark when she fell off a cliff and left me motherless.”
“I’m sorry, Abigail. I just worry about you—”
“There you are,” Izzie called out from the porch. “I was wondering where you went.”
“Oh…” I faltered. “I… I just needed some air.”
She swiped at her hair as she inched closer. “The bugs are awful.”
Funny, I hadn’t even noticed them. “Yeah, I should probably go back in before they eat me alive.”
“I should go too,” Gavin broke in. “Always a pleasure, Izzie.”
She shot him a flat smile, the kind you bestow on people you d
on’t like much. As soon as he was off, she ripped into me. “What were you doing talking to him? He was holding your hand… I saw.”
My pulse quickened, and I struggled to even out my breathing. “He… my dad asked him to keep an eye out for me.”
“Really?” She swiped at another mosquito. “I thought your dad hated him.”
I shrugged. “Me too.”
“C’mon.” She took my arm. “Let’s go back in.”
“Actually, I’m gonna head home. I need to study for exams.”
She rolled her eyes. “You and your studying.”
I waved goodbye, and as I started on my way, I wondered if little white lies were as bad as the big ones. A lie was a lie.
When he swung the door open, I pressed myself against him without hesitation. He closed the door behind us, and grabbed my ass as he pushed me up against him. He turned on his heel and shoved me against the wall. I loved it when he got a little rough with me. He was so passionate, so worked up. I liked the idea of working him up, of filling him with desire.
He tore his mouth from mine. “You’ve been a bad girl,” he breathed.
I raked my hands through his thick hair. “I know.”
He slid his mouth across mine again. “You taste like weed.”
“Then why are you still kissing me?”
His hands traveled down my body. “Because I can’t help myself.” When he buried his hand between my legs and slithered them slowly up, my lower belly tightened at the sensation. I finally understood sexual arousal, and I wanted more. I desperately wanted him to touch me there.
And when he finally did, my whole body surrendered to him, welcoming him in. I closed my eyes and enjoyed his touch, but he pulled away, teasing. “You’re definitely ready,” he breathed against my ear.
My eyes searched for his, my mouth ached for his kiss.
“But you’re still too young,” he said softly. “How old are you now?”