Julian All right all right, so afraid isn't really the word for it . . . whatever.
Noel No culture. Nothing.
June Let's be sensible. Tell me honestly. Is there something else I should know?
Noel chuckles dangerously.
Julian No.
June Honestly?
Julian I met him that one night. We met him. We did him that favour. That's it.
Noel Nothing, only tabloids and hooligans.
June So? We really have very little time.
Julian Don't you think there was something psychotic about him?
June You think he's going to kill you?
Julian No of course not. Not in that way. How can I put it?
Noel is by now quite pissed. The demons are well out. Sings.
Noel 'British soldiers tortured Barry just because he would not tell. . .' (Sings on over next speech)
Julian Ok. It's like this. I get the chance to play in the Champions League final right? Fantastic. But as I go out on the pitch at the San Siro, I'm told that I'm man-marking Roy Keane.
Noel (sings) 'Turn informer or we'll kill you'
Julian Ooooh! I feel these little prickles of - I don't know, okay so it's not fear but it's very very like fear.
Noel Think we'll bow the knee do you?
Julian It's a deep deep dread.
Noel Like fuck.
Julian A kind of Greek thing. Fate and stuff. Even before I open my big mouth, I know, I know for sure that anything I say will be a fuck up.
Noel English fuck. You owe us remember. Big time.
Julian Try a compliment, wrong! Patronising. Honest criticism? Wooah wrong! Arrogant. How about a little joke? No sorry. Being Superior. Like you said earlier, comment on Ireland or anything Irish, I'm just showing my ignorance. Don't mention Ireland at all? So insensitive.
Noel (chant) 'You'll ne-ver beat the Irish!'
June Ignore all that. Move on.
Julian I've tried. I can't. I thought I could and then you suggested this thing, and it all came back. It's like a horrible endless dance with two lunatic partners doing different steps. If I said 'Oh look, it's raining,' he'd not only step out and check, but even as he stood there getting soaked he'd shrug as though in some more profound way my observation had not been proven. If I said black, he wouldn't say white, he'd say what did I mean exactly by black. And my explanation of black would turn to ashes in my mouth. Lame and unconvincing. And this is someone who was asking me to do him a favour!
Noel And don't give me that fucking hoighty toity look.
June I'm beginning to see your point. In a completely insane way of course. But I'm travelling with you.
Julian So by the end of that. . . that awful night, I knew I could never face even the possibility of meeting him again. I know it's pathetic as fuck -
June Look. You should have told me all of this at the start. Or after I told you he had accepted our invitation, or at any time before now.
Julian I know.
June So why didn't you?
Julian Confront your demons I suppose.
June Sorry?
Julian My Dad was always saying things like that to me. 'There is no fear so terrible as the fear that is afraid to confront fear.'
June Oh please . . .
Julian Well you know that generation. Fed on Churchill.
June The war didn't just release millions of people from the yoke of oppression. It released millions of cliches from the yoke of irony.
Julian Anyway. I suddenly thought, 'Who dares wins?'
June As I say . . .
Julian If I can confront this fear, and win through, then I will succeed like I've never succeeded before.
June All because your father spoke gibberish to you. - Cue panic attack in Sainsbury's -
Julian I know I know I know I know. It's all bollocks. But I didn't want to let you down.
June Well okay, let's be positive. If your Dad's, ah, philosophy helps you get through tonight -
Julian No. I don't want to meet him. I can't.
June Julian listen -
Julian Let's cancel. What time is it?
June (checks watch) They're due in less than 5 minutes.
Julian starts a low moan. Rocking.
June You're not really your father's son are you.
Julian No.
June Thank Christ for that. Hate to be married to anything resembling that old bore.
June embraces him, kisses his neck.
May appears resplendent.
May What do you think?
Julian It's really scary.
June No, it's just something unpleasant we have to put up with for a couple of hours.
Noel Look at you . . . look at you. What'll you have?
May Oh Noel. You're hammered already.
Noel Jesus don't start.
May Did you keep an eye on the dinner?
June Look everything's prepared.
Noel Relax.
June Meatballs -
May Thank God.
June Peppers -
Noel Smell that.
June Garlic, Onions
May (tastes) Ooooh!
June Chilli oil
May Too much wine. How did that -
June Tomatoes.
Julian Okay.
Noel So come on. Have a drink with me.
June (checks watch) I'll do those. Get ready.
Julian exits.
May Still it tastes nice.
Noel So what's the puss on you for?
May I'm making you coffee. I just don't see how you're going to make any kind of impression on this man in that state.
Noel What? We'll have a laugh. Let him take us as he finds us.
May Even if he finds you under the table.
Noel Ah stop being an old moan. Have a sup.
May Well - a little taste before the meal.
Noel That's my girl.
May I mean I don't mind you getting drunk pet. You know that. I just hate you being drunk before the guests even get here. You'll have the coffee?
Noel Maybe I will -just for you. You're looking gorgeous do you know that.
May Thanks.
Noel May, May, my little early summer flower.
May Ah Noel.
Noel (sings) 'Queen of the angels. Queen of the May . . .'
They laugh and embrace and kiss. It is surprisingly tender.
Julian returns, dressed for dinner.
June Feeling any better?
Julian I think so - thanks.
Noel Do you know something? Whatever I paid for that gear, it was worth it.
June Mmm, it actually tastes rather good.
Noel And I tell you something else. This English fuck better compliment you on your looks or he'll have to deal with me.
Julian Oh. Have we an aperitif to offer them?
June Rubbing alcohol?
They laugh. June gets lemons and slices them.
May Good strong coffee. There.
Noel You're a fabulous woman May - keeping me on the straight and narrow.
May Well I can only do my best - I suppose you have to get this money from the man don't you?
Noel Yeah, yeah, yeah.
May So I suppose if it has to be done . . .
Noel Best to have a clear head. I know that.
May And be nice.
Noel Course I will.
May I mean if the Minister himself suggested you talk to him, it probably means he's respectable anyway.
Noel Oh he's sound. I've been assured of that.
June A couple of g and t's, nice food, a relaxed atmosphere . . .
Julian If only.
June I'm telling you.
May And English people are very straight now, you have to say that for them, no matter how snobby they sound.
June We'll end up chatting like old friends. A discreet mention of favours . . . He'll know the right thing to do.
May By the end of the night, we'll be
laughing.
June Easy Peasy.
Julian/ Noel Know what? You're absolutely right.
June (checks watch) No panic. He's not the type to be on time anyway.
The buzzer buzzes.
May It's them.
Julian It's them!
May On the dot.
June Calm down.
Noel I'll get it.
May Stay right where you are.
June Remember. Nothing to be afraid of.
Julian I know. I know.
May is struggling with Noel. Buzzer again.
May Stay in the kitchen. You're in no condition -
June Ready?
Noel Of course I am.
Julian Ready as I'll ever be.
Julian andJune go to open the door. Disappear briefly as
Noel and May struggle. Buzzer.
Noel I'm fighting fit.
May Oh don't say that.
Noel breaks free and opens the door. Julian andJune standing the other side wearing coats (hats?).
Noel Aha! You made it.
The Julian who now arrives at Noel's home is quite different to the arrogantly self one we've seen so far. He's confident. In fact rather assured. June behaves very much the same.
Julian Noel Gregory? Master Builder and Entrepreneur at large?
Noel That's me. Julian Summer?
Julian And partner.
June Are we on time?
May Perfect.
Julian This is -
Noel And this is the bird ha. Nice going. Nice going Julian.
May You're very welcome.
Julian Thank you.
May Hello. I'm May.
June And I'm Ju -just delighted to meet you.
Julian Delighted.
Noel And does the little birdie have a name?
June Sorry?
May Noel, drinks. What'll you have?
Julian Oh we're in Dublin. Guinness on tap surely.
May takes their coats:
May Noel'll organise a drink.
May exits.
Noel We've a - we got some (Proudly) South African wine.
June Oh . . . Lovely.
Noel Got it in specially.
Noel goes to get the wine.
Buzzer.
Julian (to June) It's going to be a great evening. Yeah, yeah, yeah?
June Yes. Open up.
Buzzer again. He turns to open the door.
Noel Amazing man that Mandela fellah. Loves his wine apparently.
Julian opens the door. April is standing there. Surprise.
April Hi.
Julian Hello - ah -
April Hi, I'm April.
June Sorry. You're looking for . . .
April I'm with Noel. You're expecting us. He's just parking.
Julian Oh. I see. Come in.
June Yes please.
Noel brings the wine.
Noel Now, Meerlust '96. Special Reserve.
June (whisper) What's going on? Where's his wife?
Julian (whisper) I don't know.
Noel pouring wine.
April Actually, I came up first deliberately.
Noel Now . . . here we go.
June Thank you.
April I know you haven't met Noel for some time.
Noel And for you, Julian.
April You see - I'm Noel's new partner.
Julian (to April) Great.
June (to April) Great.
May (to Julian and June) Great.
April We met each other at an AA meeting. My first one actually.
Noel clinks Julian's glass.
Noel Slainte. First of many.
April A year ago. It's changed both our lives.
Julian/June Fantastic!
May Now, inner will only be about ten minutes everyone.
Julian/June Fantastic.
Buzzer. June opens the door. Noel is there. This Noel is erect and sober.
Noel So hello Julian, June - I'm delighted. Something told me we were going to bump into each other again.
Blackout.
Act Two
Afew minutes later in both time periods. For all of this act the two dinner parties are in progress simultaneously. Again when there is a sustained sequence in one area and time I have tried to give a general indication of what is happening elsewhere. It is important to remember that Noel, Julian andJune now exist in two different time periods and the performance and direction must signal clearly (and hopefully wittily and entertainingly) to the audience where they are at any one time. May and April will be of use here because of course May only exists in the past, April only in the future.
Noel,, April and June are sitting at the dinner table. Julian is standing. May is in her kitchen tending to the food.
Julian Now supper's bubbling away. Pot luck really, so I hope you don't mind -
June We've kept it very simple.
Julian Yes . . . ah . . . very simple.
Sudden change to Julian in Dublin. These switches will happen constantly throughout the rest of the play. Indicated by the direction: '(Switch.)'
Simple Irish fare. We're looking forward to it. What is it? Irish stew, Potato bread. All that.
June Julian loves Dublin.
Julian And how often do you get to the mainland?
Noel What's that?
Julian Of course I am assured the Guinness in London is like bogwater, so —
(Switch)
- Happy to stick with ah . . . iced water.
April We're fine, aren't we Noel?
Noel Perfectly happy.
Julian Actually we may have some - you know, what else have we darling? Do you take coke? - I mean drink ah cola.
April Water is fine for me, but Noel you love a coke now and then don't you?
Noel I enjoy one occasionally.
June I'll get the starter then darling shall I?
Julian looks at her puzzled. 'What starter?'
June You two re-acquaint yourselves after all this time.
She disappears. Julian is very nervous.
Julian And ah . . . we have Ribena oh and I think some cranberry thing if you want to liven up the water a bit.
April Really don't fuss. We're cool as we are.
Julian Of course, of course.
April We should probably have told you about Noel's new situation but he doesn't like to make a fuss about it, do you Noel?
Noel It was a big step, but it's not something I want to carry like a badge everywhere I go. (Switch)
Especially in front of important English folk over from the mainland, we have to put our best foot forward and lay on a bit of a do to impress you. May, what's keeping you?
May (in kitchen) Won't be long pet.
Noel Now music, music, have to have the bit of music. I know the very thing. Here we go . . .
He goes to the CD player. Turns on. Bob Marley's IS THIS LOVE begins. Noel does little drunken moves back to the table.
Julian Nice moves young Noel. Very tasty. (Switch.)
June returns with tapenade, tarragon oil and a plate of sliced bread.
June Black olive tapenade, tarragon oil and ah . . . some bread.
Julian (embarrassed) Darling, it's Mother's Pride.
April Sliced pan - excellent. Noel loves sliced pan.
Julian Really?
Noel Oh yes. You can't beat the old sliced pan.
Julian Great - sliced pan - yes, I think people make a lot of fuss over tomato and fennel bread and walnut bread and all the rest, but as you say, three cheers for the good old sliced . . . pan.
June Yes, it ah . . . lets the oil and the tapenade have their say.
April Mmmm . . . mmmm. This is so civilised.
Julian Music perhaps?
April Oh yes please. Actually we have a bit of a special CD with us you might like to hear.
June Lovely. What is it?
April Six Teens. Their first album.
June Sorry?
April The b
oy band. They've had two number ones already.
Julian Sixteens?
April Isn't it clever? There's six of them you see and they're all teen-(agers)
June - Teenagers, yes, I see.
Julian Six - Teens. Very good. And you're ah both fans?
April I know them personally. And Noel's one of their backers.
Noel An excellent investment so far.
Julian Right, well we must hear the latest Irish boy band phenomenon. (Switch)
Bob Marley sings on. Noel still dancing.
Julian I have to say I thought you'd be more of a Daniel O'Donnell man.
Noel (a look but says nothing) Did you now? Smoking Bob. Brings me back. Now sweetheart lovey - are you ready for a top up?
June Happy as I am.
Julian She hasn't got into the Dublin rhythm yet Noel.
Noel You're going to have to keep up a faster pace than that tonight. 'I-I-I-I-I-I'm willing and able.' (Fills Julian's glass.) Tell us. What does this remind me of?
Julian Smoking ganja in the 70's?
Noel Yeahyeahyeah oh course - but what thing exactly? A particular event. A moment in time.
May (entering) Oh are you getting Bob Marley already? His wild London Summer.
Julian Hammersmith 1975! Cheers.
Noel Ah big mouth you gave it away.
May Well I didn't know it was a state secret.
Noel Ah what would you know. Let's drink to Bob and a summer night I'll never forget. (Switch)
Except I can't recall who did the original version in the 70's. All I know is our lads have already sold twice as many copies, and it should break them into the US market. The big bucks.
June Why don't we save this for later over coffee? When we can really listen properly.
April Good idea. This kind of evening so suits Noel now.
Noel Both of us.
April In the past when he and his ex wife entertained, there was no intelligent conversation. It was all about drink.
Noel Ah. It was very sad.
April Everything was just an excuse for drink. Like food didn't really feature.
May Sorry about the slight delay with the dinner.
Noel We're fine, we're slugging away here.
May Noel and I aren't ones for starters normally. So I hope you won't mind if we go straight for the main course.
Noel Main course, ha? I keep telling her a few hang sandwiches would be grand, but she won't listen.
Noel pours.
May You see what I have to put up with June. (Switch)
April Just drink, drink and more drink. She was so not good for him.
That Was Then Page 4