Brighton smiled with reassurance. “Good,” he said. “The visions are the Deis way of helping us to see what we truly desire so that we may create it. What was your vision?”
Numa’s stomach churned and she covered her mouth, hoping to hold back the sickness that threatened to spill from it. If that battle had been the Deis showing her what she truly desires, then she was all that she had feared. “I am wicked,” she said aloud.
Brighton tilted his head to one side. “I very much doubt that,” he said. “What did the Deis show you?”
“A battle,” Numa answered. “A vicious, bloody battle. How can I not be wicked if that is what I desire? But I don’t feel as though war is my true desire.”
“And so it is not,” Brighton said, sounding just like one of Numa’s mothers. “The visions that the Deis show us are not always meant to be looked at literally. Sometimes they show us what we desire on a deeper level than we might first believe.”
“I don’t understand,” Numa said, losing track of how many times she’d said that today.
“Well, think back through your vision,” Brighton explained. “Was there any part of it at all that brought about a good feeling, something you might desire?”
Numa instantly knew the answer. “There was a moment that I felt proud,” she said.
“And what were you proud of?”
“I felt proud to be the wife of someone with so much power,” she answered honestly.
“So there’s your answer!” Brighton said, clapping his hands together as if it made all the sense in the world.
“You mean that my true desire is to be the wife of someone with great power?” she asked. “Does that mean the Deis were showing me that with Gemynd is where I belong?”
“Possibly,” Brighton said with a shrug. “But more likely it is just about you. Perhaps what you truly desire is your own power.”
“I already have my own power,” Numa said. “I am Empyrean. I have vast power.”
Brighton smiled. “Great! Now all you have to do is create your perception to reflect your desire.”
“How do I do that?” Numa asked, regretting it immediately. She had just opened the door for more Empyrean riddles.
To her surprise, Brighton simply said, “Come with me. I will show you.”
Brighton took Numa by the hand and led her through the doorway into the Eating House. “Tell me what you perceive,” he said.
Numa looked around, a new wave of emotion flooding her. How many moments of her life had she spent here? Every meal of every day she had eaten in this very room. And she had worked as a server here too. “I hear the din from the kitchen and the conversations of the diners,” she said. “I can smell and almost taste the meat stew and fresh bread. And I see dozens of familiar faces.”
Numa looked at them all. There was Overseer Marta, Bronty the Strong, and Saran the Weaver. Across the room was an entire table of grey-robed Keepers and Numa recognized each one of them. She looked at each face, remembering moments she had spent with them, a life full of teachers. When she got to the face at the end of the table, her heart leapt into her throat.
“Soman!” she called and flew across the room, flinging her arms around his neck before he’d even had the chance to stand.
“Joyous day, indeed,” he said and stood up with Numa hanging from his neck, her feet dangling at least two hands from the floor. He put his hands on her hips to support her weight and smiled at her, their noses nearly touching. “This may be my new favorite way to begin the day.”
“Look at you!” Numa exclaimed, her eyes moving over every part of him. He was enormous, muscled like a bull. His skin was bronzed from the sun and his beautiful, blue eyes were clear and bright and full of Joy. He was the very picture of vibrant health. “You are well!”
“Of course,” he said and ventured to place a tiny kiss on the tip of Numa’s nose. “I am always well.”
Vivid images of Soman lying on his deathbed flashed through Numa’s mind. His weak, ash-colored body breaking down before her eyes. “No,” she said and let go of her grasp around his neck, sliding down until her feet reached the ground. She pressed her ear hard against his chest listening to the strong, steady rhythm of the heart within. It seemed like only moments before, she had watched him die. And now that she knew she had chosen not to heal him, a wave of guilt washed over her.
“Numa, I am here. All is well,” he said in a soothing voice and wiped a tear from her cheek. She hadn’t even realized she was crying.
“In case I don’t get the chance again, I need you to know how very much I love you,” she said, her voice weak.
“Do not fret,” he replied and wrapped his arms around her. “I know well the love that we share.”
Numa smiled then and pressed herself even closer against him. With his strength and warmth and calm surrounding her, she felt safe for the first time in a very long time. “Could I stay here forever?” she wondered aloud.
“Is that what you truly want?” Soman asked. “Is that what would bring you Joy? For if it is, then by all means, I will hold you forever.”
Numa closed her eyes and sighed, resting in the safety of Soman’s embrace. The sights and sounds and smells of the Eating House had all but disappeared. It was just she and Soman, her lifelong friend. They had grown up together; learned the Truths together. She had loved him every bit as long as she had loved Gemynd. If she could only convince her heart that being in his arms was her true desire she might know a life of goodness and security.
“Come,” Soman said, stepping away from her and motioning for her to follow. “It is time.”
“Time for what?” Numa asked as she followed him out of the Eating House into the meeting yard.
A brilliant flash of color caught Numa’s eye and she looked down only to find that she was now wearing a beautiful dress made of strips of brightly-painted cloth. “My wedding garment,” she said, remembering the day three years earlier when she was supposed to marry Gemynd. As was the Aerie tradition, her mothers had begun winding the strips of cloth around Numa’s body, but they had never finished. Numa had run from them in order to see Gemynd one last time before he was dragged away to Iturtia.
Numa looked up, confused. Why was she suddenly wearing her wedding garment? Was this Brighton’s doing? Was this part of his perception?
As though cued by Numa’s thoughts, Brighton suddenly appeared before her, smiling from ear to ear. “Joyous day, Numa,” he said, then continued past her and came to a stop next to his father who leaned against a post, chewing on a long piece of snakegrass.
Numa looked around and realized that all the people who had been inside the Eating House were now standing in the meeting yard. The Keepers were there, and this time she also saw Molly, Gemynd’s mother, as well as her own mothers. From across the path, she saw a figure emerge from the doorway of the Wishing Hut. It was Keeper Stout and he had changed into a freshly-cleaned robe. His entire face was engulfed by his smile.
“Today is a pure celebration of the tenth Truth,” he announced as he continued toward Numa. “Indeed, any choice that sustains the Oneness of Life brings Joy. And what better example is there of Oneness than the joining of two hearts?”
“Hear him! Hear him!” the crowd shouted, startling Numa.
She looked up at Soman who still stood beside her, only now he, too, was wearing his finest clothes: brown leather breeches and a matching vest over an immaculately-white tunic. He looked back at her and smiled. And Numa suddenly realized what was happening.
“I cannot marry you, Soman,” she said in her quietest whisper so that none of the onlookers would hear.
To her surprise, Soman’s smile grew even larger. “Have you been into the morningbell juice?” he asked, teasing.
Numa shook her head. “No,” she said. “I truly cannot marry you. I am already—“
But her lips froze in place and her jaw fell open as she watched Gemynd walk from the Wishing Hut. He was dressed in his wedding suit of
black-dyed leather and silver stitching, looking exactly as he had that day three years before.
When Numa saw him, her heart was simultaneously healed and shattered all over again.
Gemynd inhaled sharply as he looked at her. “My love, you are stunning,” he said and closed the distance between them.
Numa felt her lips tremble again. Inside her chest, she felt a surge of something powerful. It was a mixture of pleasure and pain; passion and excitement; fear and love. Somewhere deep inside, she knew it had been mere moments since she’d last seen him, but it felt like they were reuniting after a lifetime apart. She took a step toward him and knew she was coming home. This was where she belonged.
“I had all but given up on this,” she said. “I thought I was destined to spend my life longing for you. It seemed we would always come together only to be pulled apart once again.”
“I am yours. All yours. For eternity,” he replied simply. “Come to me. Be my wife.”
Numa took another step and leaned forward. She wanted to feel his lips on hers and press her body against his. But in the final space before their lips met, she stopped.
“You have no scars,” she said aloud as she studied his unmarred face. It was the face she had known her entire life. The face she fell in love with. It should have been the face she most wanted to see. But it wasn’t. Without the scars, this face was only a reminder that none of this was real.
And even more surprisingly, in that moment, Numa realized she preferred the scars. She loved Gemynd all the more because of them.
Without hesitation, Numa turned from this Gemynd, desperately seeking out Brighton in the crowd. “Take me away from here,” she pleaded as she searched the faces. “Brighton, please.”
Suddenly everything around Numa vanished and for the space of one heartbeat she existed in absolute nothingness. No time, no space. No light, no dark. No breath nor even Lifeforce. Nothing.
And then the forest began to take shape around her. The trees and ferns and grasses, and then the clear, beautiful pond all came into view. Numa knew what would come next and as she watched the clearing beyond the far side of the pond, the majestic Carus shimmered into being.
“You are lost,” the Carus said to her mind.
“I am in Turiya,” Numa replied.
“You would not have sought my help if you had not lost your way,” the Carus said and walked around the pond, coming closer to Numa.
“I did not seek your help,” Numa said. “But I am Joyful that you are here. I need your wisdom now.”
The form of the Carus erupted into light as Numa had seen it do once before. Then the light faded and the barely visible form of Radine, the Speaker for the Deis in Turiya, moved towards Numa.
“Are we to begin as though you’ve forgotten what it means to be Empyrean?” Radine asked.
“I do not even know what it is that we are beginning,” Numa said, wringing her hands together. “One moment I was trying to find Brighton to remove me from his perception, and the next I was here with you. I do not have the vaguest idea of what is going on around me.”
Radine did not even try to hide her snickering. “My dear, you have spent far too much of your life away from Turiya,” she said. “You must always remember, in everything you do, that you are Empyrean. You are never a victim. You were neither an observer nor a game-piece in Brighton’s creation. You were not viewing his perception of anything. All along it has been your creation. Everything you experience is your perception and yours alone.”
“So I was the one creating the unreal version of Aerie?” she asked. “How can I create something without knowing that I’m doing it?”
“You are always creating. It is just a matter of whether you do it by conscious choice or not,” Radine explained, leaving Numa feeling more confused than ever. “But you must do away with this notion that anything could be unreal. If you perceive it then it is as real as anything else.”
“But I know that the real Aerie was destroyed,” Numa argued. “I know that the real Gemynd has scars.”
“You are merely perceiving memories of those things. For all you know, the Aerie you perceived today was more real than the Aerie you perceive in your memories,” Radine said. “This talk can go round and round until your mind dissolves into madness trying to grasp an understanding. It is far simpler to accept that there is no real or unreal, there is only what you perceive at any given moment.”
“You told me once that I cannot force the will of others, that I must have their permission before I use any of my powers on them,” Numa said.
“That is true,” Radine agreed. “You cannot force the will of others.”
“But if I brought Gemynd into some other version of Aerie without his permission, didn’t I force his will?”
Radine laughed again and patted Numa on the top of the head as though she were a small child. “You did not force Gemynd’s will,” she said. “You did not use your powers on him at all. You simply changed the way you perceive him.”
“I fear I shall not make a very good Empyrean,” Numa said, fighting back the urge to cross her arms over her chest and stomp off in a tantrum. She was annoyed at being the cause of Radine’s laughter and she was weary of feeling confused.
“You will figure it out, child,” Radine said, suddenly becoming serious. “You will learn to control your perceptions and thereby create the Joyous life that is your true desire.”
“I do not even know what I truly desire,” Numa said.
“Ah, well, then you must first become very clear on that,” Radine said. “This is the most important thing. Do nothing else until you discover what you truly desire.”
“How do I that?” Numa asked, swallowing back frustration.
“Do you remember when you first discovered your glinting powers?” Radine asked. “Do you remember when you first heard the song of the Baldaquin tree?”
Numa sighed and nodded. “I’ll never forget that. It will be in my heart forever.”
Radine smiled. “In order to discover your desire—your Joy—you do the very same thing. Go deep inside yourself and feel the vibration of your own Lifeforce. Feel every part of it. Then listen to the song that is within you. You will find your Joy there.”
Numa could already feel the tingling of her Lifeforce in her feet and legs and she wiggled her toes, delighting in the exhilarating sensation, the pulsation of Life within her body. “I shall do it right now,” she told Radine, excited that something finally made sense.
Radine smiled and nodded as she faded into nothingness before Numa’s eyes.
Numa laid back and closed her eyes, her body enveloped by long, soft grass. She concentrated on the vibration of Lifeforce in her feet and then followed it as it coursed upward through her body, growing ever stronger. When she reached her heartspace, a melody began to play. An enchanting, mysterious melody that was neither sorrowful nor merry, but breathtakingly beautiful. It was the unique song of Numa and she hummed along as though she’d known it all her life.
As Numa delighted in her song, she felt a connection to everything, and a sense of ancient knowing spilled into her mind. She was not learning something new. She was remembering.
“I remember Oneness,” her voice echoed within her as though she stood in an enormous empty cavern. “True Oneness is simply Lifeforce. That is all that exists. And I can perceive it any way I want.”
Numa watched as Lifeforce whirled around her. Formless, yet with the potential to be absolutely anything. Like a piece of clay waiting to be molded, it beckoned her with possibility.
“What do I truly want?” she whispered. “What would bring me the most Joy?”
In a flash, she saw Aerie as it had been in her childhood, before she knew anything of secrets and lies. She saw laughter and dancing there and everything within the village glowed in a bright pink light. As she watched, the pink glow began to grow. It grew and grew until the boundaries of Aerie could no longer contain it and it burst forth, covering all of
Todor in its pink beauty. Now the entirety of Todor looked and felt just as Aerie had: truly Joyous. The valleys were lush and fertile, the rivers clean and pure. The people of all the townships lived in harmony. Tolnick bustled with prosperity, the people working together like a perfectly-timed machine.
As Numa looked closer, she saw herself standing on a castle wall with Gemynd and Soman beside her. A crowd of people had gathered in the city square below them. The people looked up and cheered as the three smiled down on them and waved. Then Gemynd took hold of Numa and kissed her passionately for all of Todor to see.
Todor was in perfect peace. Numa, Gemynd and Soman were reunited as family. And Gemynd and Numa were together as husband and wife.
“Yes, this is what I want,” Numa said aloud, feeling the certainty of her words settle deep into her bones. “This is my Joy, my desire, my purpose.”
Suddenly, the image before her began to distort and the golden light of her Lifeforce twisted and spun until it became a pure, white light. Then the pure, white light split into three flames, each a different color. The blue flame exploded forth first, filling Numa with a strange heat that rushed straight to her head. Next, the red flame moved in quick motions inside her, like a tongue darting in and out of a snake’s mouth. It filled her entire body with a sensation of raw strength. Finally, the green flame began to dance within her, filling her with an undeniable need to giggle.
“You have chosen well,” the three flames said to her in unison.
“Are you the Deis?” she asked.
“You remember,” they answered at once.
Numa was aware that all she witnessed at this moment was happening within her, reminding her again of the true Oneness she now understood.
“I now know what will bring me Joy,” she said to them.
“There is no Joy left in our creation,” the red flame said.
“Yes, it is too late,” the blue flame agreed. “The destruction of creation has already begun.”
“It is not too late,” the green flame protested. “She has found her Joy. Now she only needs to share it.”
Disintegration: The Todor Trilogy, Book Two Page 11