by Ada Winder
Alice was not jealous at all at first, happy to be rid of Elaine after spending all day dealing with her needs. And once it became clear that all of her efforts were paying off for George, there was not even enough time to get jealous of their growing relationship before she was expecting Andrew. And with the second one on the way, she decided she had another shot; she would do what she didn’t do before: enjoy the process more, give Andrew the same attention his sister was getting from George.
George could have Elaine.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Wednesday, June 28th 2006
Dayton, Ohio
Elaine could not get over her anger with her mother, although she was fully aware she was holding on to it so she didn’t have to deal with grief—she did not want to think about her father being dead. While she knew the day would come, she had not expected it this soon. He had not been sick as far as she was concerned; he looked and seemed healthy the last time she had talked to him, despite the mild heart attack scare not long ago.
She was not only angry with her mother for delaying the news, but angry at him too, for dying. Angry at her brother for getting the news first. She was just angry. And while she was angry, she could not pass the news on to her husband and children, which meant she did not have to verbalize it, and therefore accept it.
She could focus on other things—her mother’s favoritism, for example; although she knew such thoughts would certainly not appease her anger. She knew she was far too old to still care about it but she couldn’t help it; it never stopped hurting. She could never forgive her mother for making her feel like a second-rate child growing up, and no matter how hard she tried not to care anymore, she still did. Especially since Alice was still treating her the same.
Elaine had always been confused by her mother’s treatment of her. As far as she was aware, she had always been a good kid, a smart kid, a quiet kid. She tried to do everything her mother said, was not troublesome at all, wasn’t a rebellious teen, but it wasn’t enough; she could not win her mother’s love. And as hard as she tried to fight against it, she couldn’t help resenting her brother for being able to accomplish with ease what she had tried so hard to achieve and never did.
Why did her mother always prefer Drew? Why did she love him more? The questions never stopped haunting her.
Even now, she made more money than Drew, had a solid career in the legal field—but nothing she ever did—being an honor roll student throughout her schooling, winning academic scholarships, graduating summa cum laude—nothing got her mother to truly pay any attention to her; it was the only thing she had failed at.
When she was younger, she told herself that her mother probably just liked boys better, and if Alice had been consistent and paid more attention to Jack than Amber and Jade, perhaps she would have still held on to that silly thought. But Alice took that away from her too, bestowing as much attention upon her daughters as her nephew. So now, she was more confused than ever, and even though she knew her coldness toward her mother did not help the situation, she knew no other way to be.
Elaine shook off her thoughts about Alice and finally allowed herself to think about her father. Luckily he had always been there for her. Maybe her mother had been jealous. Her father showered her with attention and affection, and was very protective of her. She knew that even if she had not been a good student, he would have praised her for whatever she did—whether it was pour a glass of lemonade at age five or do a handstand at ten. He would have given her anything she asked for if he could, whether she deserved it or not. Still, she gave him a plethora of reasons to adore her, reward her, lavish her with gifts. She would have liked to think she had done everything she had to please him, bring that loving smile to his face, or even for the purpose of manipulation—to calculatingly get what she wanted, but she had to acknowledge to herself that she had done it all for the mother that did not care whether she was a high-school dropout or valedictorian, whether she became a lawyer or a prostitute.
Elaine blinked back unwanted tears.
She was grateful for her mother for demonstrating what not to do when parenting and for her father’s demonstrations of what to do. That way, she could mother her daughters as best as she could.
Amber and Jade were the lights of her life, and there was nothing more she took pride in than raising them properly, lovingly.
At that moment, she was sure her girls were planted in front of the television watching Spongebob Squarepants or whatever their current morning cartoon line-up obsession was, oblivious to her telephone exchange with their grandmother.
Elaine had gone far away from them and her sleeping husband upstairs when she called her mother, taking the cordless telephone into the garage after she had talked to Andrew.
When the call was over, she came back into the kitchen and furiously cooked up cheese omelets for her daughters, serving them with orange juice. They had immediately run off to watch television and she went back to working on her husband’s breakfast, deciding on just a banana for herself for the moment—she was no longer hungry.
She carried a tray of French toast, eggs and coffee upstairs, walking slowly, thinking about how to bring up that their intended trip had to be postponed—or at least redirected from Orlando, Florida, destination Disney World, to a five-hour drive to Illinois, destination: not-so-fun. In this case, she was glad she had not moved further away from her parents, although that had been her initial plan.
David was in the bathroom when she came in. She heard the sink running as he washed his face.
She rested the tray down on his dresser.
At times like now, she wondered why she was with him. He was unnaturally—as far as she was concerned—dedicated to her, and that bored her sometimes. She found herself wishing once in a while that he would give her something to worry about, make her doubt him for a moment. But he was always where he was supposed to be, doing what he was supposed to do. Trying to be the perfect husband to her, practically at her beck and call. He seemed to look up to her, impressed by everything she was. She was his hero as far as she could tell.
Why couldn’t he go missing for a few unaccountable hours, whisper into a phone call while she was within earshot? Make things interesting for once, if only for a moment? She knew she was worth the adoration, but she wasn’t sure he was worth the same.
When he emerged from the bathroom and noticed her he broke into a smile.
She felt her own lips peel away from her teeth to smile back at him, moved by the warmth in his eyes.
He started walking toward her and she moved toward him, meeting him a little less than halfway.
“I hope you brushed your teeth in there,” she said before kissing him.
He squeezed her butt then noticed the tray.
“Mmm…breakfast,” he said in his best Homer Simpson voice, but it sounded odd with his southern accent. “Thanks sweetheart.”
He took the tray to the bed and sat down, resting it on his nightstand.
When he was done, she was still staring at him although she had not been seeing him, too busy with thoughts of her dad.
He noticed her looking in his direction.
“What is it, sugar? Do I have some boogers on me? Mucus in my eyes?”
She snapped out of her thoughts and laughed.
“No, I was just thinking about our plans.”
“Yeah? What about ‘em?”
The good humor left her.
She sighed.
“They’ve changed, Dave—we have a funeral to go to.”
All signs of joking and laughter left his face. His warm brown eyes searched hers.
“It’s not…is it your mom?”
“No.” She saw him let out a big breath. “It’s my dad.”
His expression almost made her cry right then.
She looked away.
He put down his cup.
“Aw, honey…I’m so sorry—I know you were close. I said your mom only ‘cause I knew it wouldn’t…” He le
t out a breath. “I am so sorry.”
He reached out to hug her.
She thought about pulling away, afraid she would completely lose it, but she allowed him in the end; she had no choice. He held her tight.
She found herself thinking about how much easier it was to keep everything together when no one knew there was a reason to feel sorry for you, when hugs were not being offered. And even when the hug was just obligatory, you could still keep it together, accept the awkward hug with a dry face. But those genuine hugs of sympathy when the other person’s pity was almost tangible—why was it those made you cry?
“So how shall we tell the girls?” Elaine asked when she had pulled herself together.
“Well,” David began, as he rubbed her shoulder, “in all honesty, they’ll probably be more crushed they’re missing Disney World. We just have to tell them they have to wait a little bit longer.”
***
Elaine was slightly disturbed by the “why did he have to die now?” looks on her daughters’ faces when she finally managed to tell them, and she had to keep reminding herself they were just children—their priorities were a little off. They had not yet learned empathy to the proper degree, didn’t know that they were supposed to feel bad for mommy. Nevertheless, she was glad everyone had already packed. They could leave right away and with a few stops, would probably arrive by that evening, perhaps around six or seven.
Just as she had calculated, they arrived at her mother’s house when the outside was about to be cloaked in darkness, the night lights becoming a glare.
They pulled up behind what looked like Drew’s car.
So mama’s little boy is already here, she thought.
She was not the least bit surprised; in fact, she was glad he was there. She had not seen him in a while—not even after his wife had left him. She had only spoken with him over the telephone, offered a few encouraging words. Now she felt guilty, as if she had abandoned him but she wasn’t sure there was much more she could have done for him.
It seemed their car pulling up to the house alerted everyone inside, and as David lifted a sleeping Amber from the car, Drew opened the door.
“Lainey!” he shouted as he saw her, a wide grin across his face.
Leaving the door wide open, he ran up to her and grabbed her in a bear hug. She laughed and kissed him on the cheek.
“Hey Drew! How’s it going? I mean…you know, besides…”
He shrugged.
“It’s okay. Jack’s great.”
He thumbed back in the direction of the house.
“Mom’s asleep—you know how early she goes to bed. I was just up watching TV. Hey, look at my nieces! How’re you doing, Amber?” he whispered, bending to hug the eight-year-old who was now awake and standing next to her father. Drew’s initial shout to Elaine had jarred Amber from her sleep so while David was now holding a still-sleeping Jade over his chest and shoulder, his other hand held Amber’s, who started rubbing her eyes with the other. She didn’t answer Drew—just looked up at him miserably with droopy blue eyes.
“I’m sorry for waking you, hon,” Drew said.
He tousled her dark hair and straightened up.
“Nice to see you again, David.”
Elaine watched Drew search for a free hand to shake, then decide to embrace both Jade and David gingerly.
“You too, Drew. I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances though,” David replied.
“Yeah, I know. Thanks.” He looked away a moment, his face sobering up. Then he looked back at them, energetic once again. “Well let’s get in the house—can’t let the critters move in while we stand out here. Let’s get these precious girls to bed.”
Drew stood aside and let David in, giving him directions to one of the guest bedrooms. David let him, even though he had visited the home several times before and knew exactly where the bedrooms were.
“Come help me bring these suitcases in from the car,” Elaine told Drew, heading back toward it.
***
The next day, Elaine awoke with plans to get things rolling.
When she got up, she was not surprised to see her husband still asleep on their double bed—she was the early riser of the two. Nor was she surprised her daughters had not yet awakened—they usually only willingly woke up early on Saturdays. But when she went to the kitchen, she saw Drew up and alert, making himself some pancakes.
“It’s seven o’ clock—what are you doing up?” she asked him.
“Same thing as you. Time to get things moving. Want some pancakes?”
“Drew, you know I don’t eat that stuff.”
He shrugged.
“Your loss. What about your family?”
“Yeah, make the batter but put it away until they’re up. They like things fresh.”
Drew rolled his eyes. “You’re all spoiled.”
She smiled at him. “So when’s Jack getting up? I want to see him—he must be so big now.”
“Oh yeah, mustache and everything.”
She laughed, punching him lightly in the arm.
“He’ll be up soon,” he said. “He’ll be excited to see you—but only if he thinks you brought gifts.”
He smiled at her as she rolled her eyes.
“Talk about spoiled,” she said, smiling back at him. She paused. “I’ve missed you Drew. I’m sorry I haven’t stopped by to see you sooner.”
His smile slowly disappeared and he shrugged.
“It’s okay, sis. I can’t expect you to just show up whenever something happens to me. I totally understand. I’m sure those girls of yours keep you pretty busy.”
“Yeah they do. They’re a mess!” She was smiling again. “But I love ‘em anyway. I have to!”
“Ain’t that the truth,” he said as he poured syrup over his pancakes.
The sight of all the artificial sweetness almost made her sick.
She turned away.
“So. What about Alice—how’s she taking it all,” she asked, although it came out sounding more like a statement than a question.
She felt him look at her.
“Oh, she’s doing all right I guess. Got rid of all of dad’s stuff.”
She turned and looked back at him.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. I took them all away yesterday.”
Her expression must have appeared alarmed to him for then he asked, looking concerned: “Why, did you want something? It was just his old books and clothes and stuff.”
“No, I just—well I did notice the place looks pretty clean. Almost like he never lived here. Even the pictures are gone.”
Elaine felt almost offended on her father’s behalf.
“Yeah, mom wanted to get rid of them as soon as possible. She said it was too hard to live around the memories. All the things he would never use again. The pictures are still around, though, just turned down for now. You can ask her to take them if you want. I’ve got dibs on the one with him and the fishing rod with the walleye though.”
Then Elaine was surprised to hear Drew take in what sounded like a deep, stress-filled breath.
“I know I couldn’t do it—get rid of Lacey’s stuff like that.”
“Well, the circumstances are a bit different; at least you still have the hope of her coming back.” She hesitated. “So have you heard from Lacey yet?”
Elaine watched Drew’s shoulder droop. He did not look up from his pancake flipping.
“No,” he said, his voice listless.
Elaine watched him for a few moments.
“Why did she really leave?” she asked.
Drew shrugged. “Apparently I wasn’t man enough.”
“That’s not what you said the last time.”
He finally looked at her. “Yes, I did; I told you she left me for someone with more testosterone.”
“That’s not necessarily the same thing. In fact if I recall correctly, you said she wanted something new; she was bored. That you probably weren’t making enough money for
the life she wanted to live and she needed to do something else to spice up her own life. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing…”
“Don’t defend her.”
“I’m not defending her! I’m just saying. People need to feel alive sometimes. One way or another.”
Drew turned back to the pancakes.
“Drew, think about it. You’re with her and like her so much because she excites you. But what do you do to excite her?”
“Look, what I did was love her with all I had okay? That should have been enough.”
Elaine shook her head.
“I don’t know about that, Drew. What’s enough for you, might not necessarily be enough for someone else. Just because all you wanted from her was the same love you gave doesn’t mean she wanted the same thing. Drew, she spoke another language; I’m not sure you bothered to learn it.”
Drew’s dark eyes flamed but he said nothing.
“Okay, Drew, here’s my idea. If you get the chance again, try to get her attention—and not by using puppy dog eyes.”
“What, you think I should pretend not to care? Act like I don’t want her?”
Elaine hesitated. “Well…maybe not exactly. Lacey’s a special case; she might be unaffected. She might even genuinely feel happy for you for getting over her. But maybe she won’t like the idea of being replaced…”
“You’re saying I should, what, refer to some girlfriend that doesn’t exist or something?”
“Along those lines, yeah. And make sure she gets the impression that she’s second rate looks-wise in comparison.”
Drew laughed.
“Elaine, that’s just ridiculous. Childish even. I mean, that has to be the oldest, most juvenile trick in the book. Inciting petty jealousy?”
Elaine shrugged.
“Why do you think it’s still around? Drew, in some way or other, you’ve got to put your foot down.”