by J. L. Beck
“Do you want to piss me off?” he growls, his eyes and voice growing dark. I can see his fist clenching against the desk, and for one second, I wonder if there is a chance I can push him too far and unleash the beast within and be unable to control him.
“If you’re asking me, I’ll say you’re already there.” The words leave my lips like a secret, my voice cool and calm. I can all but see Enzo losing his shit, the questions of his past beating against his exterior walls causing him to break down and answer them.
He is vulnerable, even weak, and every time I’m able to bring the king to his knees, my blood sings, my eyes glaze over, and my hands sweat. The power he places on me always gives me a rush, as if he is my never-ending supply of a drug I desperately need.
“Amara.” He sounds weak as if he is losing his sense of reality and can no longer resist my needs, my deepest desires, and my darkest cravings.
“You say my name like you need me like you want to slide into my wet cunt. But in the next second, you look at me as if you would rather bend me over and spank me until my cum is running down my thighs.” I lust for him, begging for one last wall to splinter. He knows I need this. He knows his pain, his agony over the past, is not only his burden but mine as well.
He runs a hand through his dark hair, my lady bits clenching with a need I didn’t even understand. He raises his eyes to meet mine, and I can see the man who used to wrap his hand around my throat as I came all over his cock. All he needs is one more push, one more thrust into the deep end, and he would be able to swim all on his own.
“I can’t tell you what I want more. To shove my cock in that filthy mouth of yours or slap your ass until it glows red for me.” His admission causes a fire to stir inside of me. He has no idea the power his voice alone holds over me.
“Do both,” I blurt out loud, not thinking of the things that can take place from that one request. Truthfully, I want him in every single way I can have him. The whole reason I told my father to take Gia is so I can bring back to life the fire in our marriage.
He stands from his seat, the computer chair hitting the wall with a loud thud. One of the photos above the desk sways, reminding me of the twisted game I’m playing with Enzo.
“I know what you’re doing!” He commands my attention with that one single sentence. My body fills with so much life, so much darkness. I crave it. I crave him.
“Then let me do it! Let the walls down... You have nothing to be afraid of!” I shout at him, my own face growing red with anger.
An icy glare is shot my way as I can feel the temperature rising.
“I was once an evil man. A man who would’ve killed anything that crossed him the wrong way.” He comes to stand in front of me. His height, his body, his menacing stance causing my body to go into hypertension. Enzo’s hand reaches out, pushing the locks of hair behind my ear. The motion is soft and gentle, something I don’t want right now.
“I’ve watched you kill. I’ve seen you covered in blood. I’ve even killed for you.” My declaration comes out as nothing but a whisper. I know he hears it. His eyes lift, going straight to the wall behind me.
“I’m not him anymore. I’m not a callous killer, and I’m not going to put you through whatever it is you want from me just because you want that other person back.” The air fills with tension. Did I want to go against this bull, can I handle the horns? The pain I’ll cause myself?
“You are him,” I growl, my hand slamming against his chest. Enzo raises an eyebrow at me in warning. “Underneath all this bullshit is the man I fell in love with. The man who made love to me and fucked me like he meant it when I needed it. The man who gave me our first child, and the man who I married,” I shout, the words falling from my lips without a care.
“I. Am. Not,” he shouts back. Tears threaten to fall from my eyes, but I hold them back, not allowing my emotions to get the best of me.
“You are. He’s in here. I can feel it. With every stroke of your cock inside me, every beat of your heart against my own tells me he is right there.” I poke him in the chest. “Right underneath your flesh, waiting for the one moment when you finally unlock the cage you hold him hostage in.”
Fuck.
“The person you want is gone, Amara.” His face grows cold. “The further you push, the harder you dig, the more I couldn’t care less about being here. If you don’t want me for who I am, then you don’t need me at all.”
I take a step back, shock coursing through me. I watch him, waiting for his expression to change, for a flicker of guilt to show in his eyes. Instead, he stares at me for a long moment before turning around, grabbing his keys and leaving. I hear the roar of his engine come to life, but I still stand there, trapped in place by his words and my own emotions.
All I want is him, the man I fell in love with.
Throwing myself onto the couch, I finally allow the tears to fall.
Enzo
My fist lands against the brick wall, my knuckles cutting open as blood drips from my hand. I want the pain to make the ache in my chest go away, but it doesn’t. It just makes it grow bigger and bigger.
When I left the house, I did so because I couldn’t handle the words I had to say, and I wonder if I truly meant them. I love Amara with every fiber inside me, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to bring back that person she wants so badly. I want to be her everything, but I also want to be stable. Going back to my old ways can wreak havoc on my life. If anything, I’m scared of the damage I can and would cause.
I text Eli, telling him to meet me at a bar. I need someone to talk to, someone who will call me out on my shit without a second thought.
“Sorry I’m late, I have to…” He stops mid-sentence, taking in my facial expression. He knows my feelings better than anyone, almost as good as Amara did.
“I’m so fucked,” I admit before bringing the beer to my lips and taking a long pull from it. I don’t want to be that man, the one who constantly fucks up. I want to be the best dad I can be, and I want to be an even better husband.
“How so? Like in a literal sense or in a ‘you just did something and feel like life is screwing you like a two cent hooker?’” A smile forms around my drink. Eli always finds a way to pull me from the mayhem going on in my head. Eli smiles at me like he just won some amazing prize by making me smile.
“In an, ‘I fucked up and said something I shouldn’t have to Amara, and now I’m not sure if it is the right thing.’ Hell, I’m not sure if it’s even okay to say...” I sound devastated, heartbroken. How can that be? I still have her.
Eli tilts his head at me as if he is a little too amused for my liking. “You mean to tell me you finally fucked up and caused an argument?” His question seems to piss me off more.
“Whose side are you on?” I raise my eyebrow up at him.
“Whoa, I haven’t even heard the issue yet. Let me get both sides before I pick one.” He puts his hands out, acting all innocent.
I can’t help but roll my eyes.
“Why do I feel like you don’t even care to hear my side of the story?” I take another swig of my beer, the effects of the alcohol not even setting in.
“Honestly…” He smiles. “If Amara is pissed, you probably did something really fucking wrong.” My mouth gapes open. What is he trying to say?
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means you fucked up. In the literal sense. She basically broke every rule for you. You have been through tons of shit with her. Shit that any normal woman would’ve broken down from. I mean, you killed people in front of her, hell, she killed someone for you. If she’s pissed about something after all of that, it’s probably serious.” I want to slam my beer down on the bar and punch Eli in the face.
“And what about all the serious shit you did? Is that inexcusable in a literal sense, or is that you just fucking up?” I spit back at him, pissed the fuck off he’s right.
“Calm down there, killer. This isn’t about me, fuck-face.
But since you brought it up... I have fucked up in every way possible, but at the end of the day, when push came to fucking shove, I’m man enough to go crawling back to her on my own motherfucking knees. I didn’t get to have no pity-fucking-party. Therefore, take that princess crown off your head and start acting like a man.”
“Fuck!” The other bar patrons don’t even bat an eyelash at my outburst. The music from the jukebox is far too loud, that, and they are used to a scuffle or two taking place in this bar.
“Now, I must ask… what is it you did?” The look on Eli’s face makes my stomach flip. I’m exhausted and so fucking disappointed in myself. How can I behave this way?
“I got home yesterday. James came and picked up Gia, and Amara was acting strangely. I mean super fucking strange, and then she spilled the beans on what is bothering her.” I pause. “I was so fucking taken aback by her words that I allowed them to eat away at me the past twenty-four hours.” Anger is on the verge of splitting me in two. I’m like a volcano ready to erupt at any point in time. There would be no warning or mercy to those in the way of my destruction.
“Well, what’s bothering her?” Of course, Eli asks the hardest question of them all.
“She wants the darkness back. She wants less normal and more bad.” My voice aches, as does my heart as I say the words. Her admission made me question everything that made us who we are. The solid foundation of our relationship now relied on me and one single choice.
Eli’s eyes grow wide, filling with shock. “When you say bad, do you mean the old you? The look-at-me-like-that-again-and-I’ll-remove-your-eyeball Lorenzo?” A smidge of amusement lingers within me.
“Yes. The person who didn’t give two fucks about taking someone’s life. The person who would sit there and watch someone bleed out because it fed the monster inside of me. The dangerous man, full of chaos. She wants that part of me back. She feels like we are whole when I’m that person. I feel like I need to be focused on being a husband and a father. I need to be driving a minivan and shit, not having a shootout with a rival family.” I’m spilling my heart out to another man. I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t turned into a pussy a long time ago, this moment right here solidified it.
“Wow…ah, okay,” he mumbles. “Well…” He seems to be at a loss for words.
“Yeah, so now you know exactly how I reacted to it. I love her, and I feel like I can give her exactly what she wants without pushing my own boundaries… But she won’t stop.” I grip at the edges of my short hair. “She won’t let it go. She pushes and pushes, and eventually, I’m going to fucking snap. Eventually, I’m going to do something I know I will regret.” I feel Eli’s hand land on my shoulder. He is trying to comfort me in the best way possible.
“I wish I knew what to tell you, but only you know for sure what to do. If being the person you used to be makes your marriage whole, isn’t it worth it? Can’t you be a better man while still being the same asshole you used to be?” Eli’s tone causes me to want to lurch across the room and pound my fists against the brick wall again. I hate being wrong, I hate making the wrong choice, and I hate hurting my wife.
“I just don’t want to open up that darkness again. I can’t open the door a little bit and not expect the person I was before not to want to come out completely. I put him away for a reason. In this life, the one I currently live in, he has no place.”
Eli stares at me intently before standing. “What you need isn’t anything you can find here. The most expensive drink you will ever need is sitting at home in your bed, waiting for you. You know what you should do. You’re afraid, and it’s understandable. Just remember, everyone has a fear they have to push through.” He winks at me, takes a step back, then turns and walks away. Where does he think he is going?
“What the fuck? You’re using my own words on me now?” I fumble with the words as I try to make sense out of his non-advice. He stops dead in his tracks, turning around and coming back over to me.
“Look deep inside yourself, and you will find the answer you so desperately seek.” His face is impassive as if he expects me to get what he is saying without further explanation.
“What if looking deep inside is where the monster lurks?”
“Then let him out. Give her what she wants and figure the rest out later,” he responds, walking away from me once again. Anxiety trickles into my belly. If I open that door, it can never be closed again.
Amara
I’m pulled from my dreams when I hear a car outside and the garage door opening. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I look over at the alarm clock sitting on my nightstand—two a.m.
My insides turn cold from the anger running through my veins. The fact I was sleeping just moments ago means nothing to me, nothing at all. I want to know where he’s been and what he was doing. In all the years we’ve been married, he’s never pulled such a ludicrous act before. He’s never just left and didn’t answer his phone or hurt me with his words like he did.
The front door opens and closes. The sound of heavy footsteps carries down the hall, stopping outside our bedroom door. The creaking sound of the wood fills the room. Before he can enter completely, I’m up, sitting in bed with the straps of my nightgown falling down my shoulder.
“I made a mistake…” His words are only a little slurred, and he smells of beer and his cologne. So that’s where he was. Getting drunk.
“Is that right?” I reply, raising my eyebrow at him. This had been our first real fight, and even if it didn’t last that long, it still hurt me.
“Amara,” he purrs, coming further into the room. His fingers reach for the button on his pants as I watch in awe.
“You say you want me to be who I used to be…” I can’t tell if he is asking or stating, so I just nod my head yes. Because I do want that. I want to feel that blazing spark I felt with him when our love story first started.
“I want you,” he growls, his voice deep as he moves closer toward me. The danger, the tension, I can feel it pouring out of him. He wants to bring me to the brink of destruction over and over again. And I want to let him.
His fingers wrap around my throat, catching me off guard as he cuts off my circulation slightly. I smile, a devious feeling forming in my belly. “Then show me,” I order, seduction in my eyes. I want him. Every slick inch of him. The good and the bad.
He smiles at me while his free hand reaches into his back pocket. A moment later, I find out what he reached for. Shining in the moonlight that peeks through our bedroom window is a knife. A gasp leaves my throat, but pleasure courses through me as well. This is a drug to me. The darkness lurking right on the edge of insanity. I trust him completely, and I love him without question.
The tip of the blade slides across my chest as I stare into his eyes, witnessing the smile in them. “Why are you shaking?” he whispers, leaning down into my neck, his tongue darting out as he caresses the side of my throat. “Isn’t this what you want?”
Goosebumps spread across my flesh as I get lost in this moment.
“Mmh,” I murmur through my closed lips as I feel the pressure of his knife against my chest, my skin burning underneath the blade, making my heartbeat skyrocket. My core clenches, and I watch him bring the knife over to one of my straps and then the other, snapping both of them with a switch of his blade.
He pulls the knife up to my mouth and runs it across my bottom lip.
“Do you remember the night I took your virginity?” His voice is soft, even embracing, but I’m unable to form words—my tongue fell into my throat the moment he pulled out his knife.
I nod my head, yes, and his eyes light up with a sexual fury. A zing of energy goes through me and straight to my core. I have never felt so much passion between us, so much love.
“Get up. Go to the wall and face it,” he orders. I do as I’m told, pulling from his touch, and getting out of the bed. Standing in front of him, I allow my nightgown to fall to the floor. Enzo’s eyes take my body in, gazing at my breasts and at my pussy
, which is basically begging for his cock, before nodding toward the wall while he finishes undressing.
My feet hit the carpet, taking me to where he wants me. Nervousness starts to creep in as I stand in front of the wall. We are bare to one another in every way possible.
“I thought about all the ways I can fuck you…” The knife scrapes across my shoulder blades, leaving a trail of anticipation in its wake. “Against the wall.” He pushes me flush against it, his cock pressing firmly against my ass cheeks. “On the bed…” Another scrape of his cock between my cheeks.
He is teasing me, and it is working. Sweat forms on my brow and my fingernails dig into the plaster of the wall.
“On the floor, kitchen counter, shower, balcony…” The knife slides down my spine. “Yet, I knew nothing would be as pleasing as a long…” He pauses, and I jump as he pierced the wall beside my head with the knife. “Hard. Fuck. One that has you sore for days. One that reminds you of the man that I am.” His teeth sink into my ear, and a groan escapes me as I push back against him.
“Is that what you want? Long. Hard. Strokes?” he purrs in my ear.
“Yes, please…” I beg without even realizing what it is I’m going to get.
“Turn around,” he orders, and I do, coming face to face with him. He is naked, the night sky gleaming over his body. His muscles are well defined, and he is just as attractive as the day I met him, if not more.
“Fuck. Me,” I growl at him like a wild cat. In an instant, I’m being lifted and impaled by his cock. He slams me against the wall so hard the air shoves from my lungs, and pictures rattle against the wall. I smile, piercing his back with my nails.
“You see that cock entering that sweet little cunt of yours…” His eyes shift down to where we are joined as I watch him enter me with an intensity most would be afraid of.
“Yes,” I moan. My body is buzzing with electricity, my eyes flickering closed as I feel my orgasm building.