by Amy Sumida
“Here.” I handed Sin the clothes as I stepped outside. “Go ahead and change. I'll wash down the porch.”
“Bleach?” Sin asked skeptically. “Seriously? You think CSI is going to show up?”
“Shut up and get changed,” I huffed then turned away to give him some privacy while I soaked the cement. “If they do show up, they won't find anything.”
“I'm decent.”
I glanced over at Sin and froze. Heat suffused my cheeks.
“Made you look!” Sin grinned and winked at me.
Sin stood with his hands on his hips and chest lifted, dressed only in a wet pair of silk boxer shorts that left very little to the imagination. Deep, golden-brown skin covered his athletic body; not a single tan line in sight. Washboard abs led my eyes down to the soaked silk and as I stared, the long length of flesh revealed by his boxers grew and hardened. Sin cleared his throat and spun around self-consciously.
“Damn, V, I thought I'd tease you a little and get you smiling,” he grumbled as he hurried into the jeans. “I didn't expect you to look at me like that.”
“Sorry,” I whispered and turned away. “You surprised me.”
“Yeah, that was kinda the point.”
I capped the bleach and hurried past him, back into the house.
“Hey, it's okay,” he called after me. “I just... I didn't want you to think... never mind. It's all good.”
I left the bleach by the door and grabbed my suitcase. I didn't meet Sin's eyes as I set it on the porch and locked up the house. After I slipped the key in my bra, I finally turned to look at him.
“It's fine. You have nothing to be ashamed of,” I said pointedly.
Sin grinned and waggled his brows at me. “Well, I know that. Let me know if you want another peek.”
“Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.” I rolled my eyes.
“This has been fun and all but let's get outta here.” Sin picked up my suitcase and wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me in against his side. “I don't want to have to clean up another corpse.”
We went surging through the Aether and even though I'd been turned into a thought-form and then back into a solid, physical state, it didn't settle the shivering that had started on my wet porch in Hawaii. I stumbled away from Sin, dropping my suitcase on the way to his couch, and then plopped onto the cushions. My legs had gone weak. Now that I was safe, it was all sinking in. I couldn't protect myself anymore. No magic at all, not even that which I'd started with. I couldn't even enchant a sword to defend myself with. I was so damn human that the Cephissus thing had left me weak from the aftermath of an adrenaline rush.
“Vervain?” Sin sat down beside me. “Are you okay?”
“I'm human, Sin,” I whispered. “I'm fucking human!”
“And what's wrong with that?” he asked sternly.
“What's wrong with it?” I asked, nearly hysterical. “Nothing, if I were a normal person. But I'm an ex-godhunter with no magic. In other words; I'm a sitting duck.”
“You'll find other ways to protect yourself,” Sin assured me. “You will never be completely defenseless, Vervain. You're too strong for that.”
“My magic was strong,” I corrected. “Me? I've never been strong. I started hunting because I was afraid. Some guy tried to sacrifice me to Ku, and I killed Ku with blind luck. Literally; I closed my eyes and stabbed until I'd beheaded him. Then I found out about the Gods, and I knew I had to protect myself. I had to hunt them before they hunted me. And, in the beginning, all of my kills were cowardly. I'd sneak into the homes of Gods and kill them while they slept, Sin. Tell me where the strength is in that.”
“The fact that you did something about your fear instead of just hiding in your warded house is a sign of strength,” he insisted. “You worked with what you had. You knew they were too powerful for you to face in a fair fight so you did what you had to do to stay alive. That's not weak, V, it's smart.”
“I had magic then, Sin,” I whispered. “It wasn't enough but it was something. Now, I don't even have that. The only reason I was even able to behead gods was that I had an enchanted sword. I don't have that now either; it's in Pride Palace.”
“There are other enchanted weapons. We'll find you something.”
“You don't get it,” I huffed. “I can't fight them anymore. I'm not me anymore. I'm not the Godhunter.”
“The hell you aren't,” Sin growled. “You've gotten used to being special, Vervain. Your destiny was tied to the entire World's. You drank the Kool-Aid and let that define you. You think that without your destiny or your lovers or your magic that you're not special but you are. You are what makes you wonderful. Not the magic, not the number of people you've saved, or even the people who love you. You, Vervain!”
“Thor told me once that he was attracted to me because of my magic,” I whispered. I couldn't even look at Sin when I said it; it left a bad feeling in my belly. Embarrassment, I suppose. “He said that it was no different than being attracted to a woman because of her eyes or hair; it was just another part of me.”
“And you've held onto that memory and let it poison you. Thor may have been attracted to you because of your magic but that's not why he loved you, Vervain. You took something meant as a compliment and turned it into an insult,” Sin said gently. “You've even added to it. Every person who has told you how great your magic is or how important you are because of your star has added to that feeling.”
“What feeling?”
“The feeling that your magic is more important than you are. You believed that they praised the power, not the person. That they loved you or respected you because of your magic and without it, they wouldn't want you. You'd be nothing.”
I flashed back to standing in Sin's bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror; Who am I without them? I'm the Godhunter. But I wasn't. Not anymore.
“Do you see any of them here?” I asked snidely. “No. Once my magic was gone, so were they.”
“That's completely untrue,” Sin said in a chiding tone. “They're not here because of what Marduk did to them. It has nothing to do with you or your lack of magic. If it weren't for that damn tablet, they'd be here.”
“I don't know if I believe that,” I said bitterly. Because a good mope needs bitterness. Lots of bitterness.
“Yes, you do.” He smiled softly at me as he took my hand. “You know them. You know their hearts. And you know yourself. You're an amazing woman, Vervain. You do know that; you just haven't accepted it yet. Here's your chance. Take a good look at who you are without all of that. Look deep and accept that you were chosen to wield the star before you had a lick of magic. The star didn't make you great; you made it great.”
My jaw went slack and my eyes watered. Was it true? Was I enough without the magic?
“I'm here, Vervain!” Sin growled as he grabbed me by the upper arms and shook me. “I'm here with you. I haven't been affected by the Tablet. I know who you are, and I think you're incredible. You're human and magic-less, and I don't care one whit because that doesn't change who you are. That's why I'm here!”
Sin pulled me against his chest and kissed me. I was so shocked, that I let him. I crumpled against him and took comfort in his strength and conviction. He still wanted me. As I was. Beaten and broken and looking like a hot mess. This god still wanted me without any magic. It was wrong to kiss him back, but I didn't care. I needed one little piece of validation. I wrapped my arms around Sin and used him to help me feel something. I drank deeply of his love and basked in his admiration.
Sin's hands roamed my back as he growled into our kiss. His tongue, hot and eager, lashed against mine as if it had been waiting impatiently for this moment. His breath blew hot against my cheeks as he pulled me onto his lap. A thick shaft pressed between my thighs and things started to clench low in my body. I started feeling a little too much. More than I could handle. When Sin pulled me down on his erection, pressing against me through Kirill's jeans, I finally found some sanity.
; I jerked away, panting. “I'm so sorry. I can't, Sin.”
“It's okay,” Sin whispered and smoothed my hair back from my face. “I'm here, Vervain, and I'm not going anywhere. Take as long as you need.”
I stared into his stunning silver eyes; so earnest and full of adoration. My heart was beating fast enough to feel in my throat. I could barely speak, but I had to say something. I had to put some distance between us again. Come on, Vervain, you've always had a witty comeback. This was the perfect time for one.
“Well, this is your place so, of course, you're not going anywhere,” I murmured as I climbed off his lap. “I'd be the one to leave.”
Sin snorted as he laughed. “See? This is what I mean. Losing your magic doesn't change who you are.”
“Maybe not,” I agreed. “But it does make me have to pee more often.” I scrunched up my face at him. “I had no idea how superior a goddess bladder is.”
Sin's laughter followed me to the bathroom.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Sin put my suitcase in the guest room I'd been using and told me that I was welcome to stay as long as I wanted to. Behind his wards, I was safe, and I could relax while we tried to come up with a plan. Sin stayed in seclusion with me, only leaving for provisions that couldn't be delivered; like booze. I'd taken to day-drinking. And night-drinking. And twilight drinking. I drank a lot. Not so much that I became a sloppy drunk, but enough to keep the edge off. To hold the pain at bay and stop me from falling into shrieking bouts of hysteria. I hated myself a little for it. I should have stayed sharp. Instead, I convinced myself that I'd be able to think better if I wasn't in so much blinding agony.
But even with that alcohol cocoon, the heartache would still seep in and catch me unawares. Give me a nice punch in the gut and leave me gasping. I'd spend excruciating minutes trying to breathe through it and stop my mind from swirling down the drain into that deep cesspool of dark thoughts. Down there lay insanity, and I refused to let Marduk break me.
Marduk; when I mentally made my drain dives, I often wondered if he were merely the hand of karma. I had taken magic from gods. Yes, they'd taken it first, but they were given it willingly, weren't they? Humans sacrificed to them, and the Gods grew more powerful. Then I show up and stole their magic along with their lives. Then there was Marduk himself. I had done some evil things to his pantheon when I was dark and when I fought him recently, I had cast heartache on him. Now, here I was, heartbroken. Oh, the bitter pill of perspective; it just loves to stick your throat and choke you.
So, I'd drink more to wash it down.
I sank into a routine. Every day Sin and I would bounce ideas off each other in the morning and then spend the rest of our time drinking, watching TV, drinking, playing card games, drinking, and eating take-out, or delivery, rather. Sin wasn't much of a chef, and I was never in the mood to cook. It was growing monotonous but, in the way of all routines, it also began to be comfortable. Sin and I slid into an intense friendship born of our shared past, forced intimacy, my trauma, and our goal of recovering all I'd lost. I was growing dependent on him and I knew it, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself. Sin was all I had left, and he was making my cataclysm bearable.
Except at night. Alone in bed, the demons I'd been hiding from all day would find me. When I managed to get to sleep, they'd slip into my dreams and torment me there. I'd see my children standing in the distance, calling to me with tears streaming down their reddened cheeks, but between us would be their furious fathers and uncles; an insurmountable wall. All of my lovers persecuted me in my dreams, calling me horrible names and accusing me of all manner of crimes. My doubts poured out of their mouths scornfully; murderer, thief, whore. If I drew too close to them, they'd transform into beasts and attack me.
As they did now.
I cowered in a circle of prowling monsters. A twisted version of Trevor's werewolf snarled at me through dagger-like teeth, Arach's weredragon lashed the ground with a tail full of deadly barbs, and Azrael swung his scythe at me as his Death skull dripped acid over my skin. Odin took the form of a massive alligator with a scorpion tail, Kirill's lion distorted into a rabid creature with red eyes and rotting flesh, and Re's entire body burned with the power of the Sun. Around them, Viper slithered in his enormous snake body, hissing and snapping at me with a jaw twice its normal size and teeth that oozed venom.
They slashed at me with their claws and teeth and tails. I screamed as my flesh tore and blood flowed. I curled into a ball to protect myself, but they still bit at me and crushed me with their feet. My bones broke. I tasted blood. My hair burned away, the smell of it stinging my nose. I cried, begging for mercy, but they only laughed and poured poison into my wounds.
The sky darkened and lightning lashed across it. Marduk rose into the air on a glowing bolt to stare down at me while the men I loved the most destroyed me. Viper swirled himself around my body, scales sliding against my bleeding skin like sandpaper. The last thing I saw before his coils covered my eyes was Marduk laughing maniacally. Then Viper began to squeeze.
I screamed and came awake, sitting up to let out one more cry before my mind realized that it was all a nightmare. As I sat panting, staring at the shadows in the room as if they might take shape and pounce, Sin came running in.
“Vervain?” He flicked on the light and looked around the room frantically.
“I'm sorry,” I whispered. “It was just a...”
“A nightmare?” He asked gently.
I nodded.
Sin flicked off the light, and I thought he was going to leave but instead, he padded over to the bed and turned on the lamp on the nightstand. A soft, warm glow suffused the room, more comforting than the glare of the overhead. Sin slid onto the bed beside me and slipped under the covers.
“Sin, I—” I started to protest.
“Shh.” He pulled me into his arms and settled me against the warmth of his chest. “Just close your eyes and go back to sleep, Vervain. The Moon will watch over you.”
Sin flicked off the lamp, but the feeling of safety remained. I sighed and relaxed against him. A strong heartbeat beneath my ear, the smell of clean man rising around me, and strong arms holding me. I missed that. Sin didn't smell right and his arms didn't feel as I'd like them to, but his heartbeat was steady and just having him with me changed the darkness from a threat into a refuge. I laid my palm over the hard plane of his chest and slipped my fingers into the dark curls there. None of my men had chest hair but part of me liked the reminder that Sin wasn't mine. That I could take the solace he offered but nothing more. There would be no turning to him in my sleep, thinking he was my lover and doing things I shouldn't. So, there was safety in his differences too.
“Goodnight, Sin,” I whispered.
“Goodnight, Vervain.”
Sin nuzzled the top of my head, and I snuggled closer. Maybe it was wrong to hold a man who wanted me when I didn't return his feelings, but I needed the comfort too badly to worry about morality.
In the arms of the Moon, nothing mattered.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“What the hell are you two watching?” Ninkasi asked as she strode into the living room a few nights later.
“The Great British Bake Off,” I said as if it were obvious.
“You're watching a cooking show?” Her horrified question was directed at Sin.
Sin gave her an embarrassed grin. “Vervain introduced me to it and now, I can't stop watching. They're just so nice.”
“You watch it because they're nice?” Ninkasi sounded even more horrified.
“Most baking competition shows in America are cutthroat,” I explained. “This one isn't. It might have something to do with the fact that the prize is only a title and a cake stand, but I think it's simply because British people are so damn polite. The level of their niceness is astounding. Look at this!” I waved at the screen. “They're down to the last minute of a challenge and this guy is having trouble finishing his cake so the other competitors are hel
ping him! Look! Who does that?”
“And they make really cool things,” Sin added.
“The gingerbread pub,” I said to him.
“The gingerbread pub,” he agreed. Then he grimaced and looked up at Ninkasi. “The one drawback is that it makes me hungry. I think I've gained five pounds since we started watching this show.”
“No. This is not acceptable.” Ninkasi crossed her arms. “You two need to get out of this apartment. And open a damn window. It smells like rum and rotten pineapples in here.”