by Zack Zombie
“Puberby.”
“Seriously? Man, and I thought humans had it bad.”
“WAAAAAAAABABABABAHHHH! Can you helb me?”
“Uh. . .yeah, I think I have a shrink potion that can clear that up,” Steve said. “I’ll go get it.”
Ugh! Finally, some good news in my life.
I knew it. If anybody could help me get out of this jam, it was Steve.
“Here you go, Zombie,” he said, handing a potion bottle to me. “But it’s really strong, so only take a few drops, OK?”
“Oh-bay.”
Then I ran to school just in time for my next class.
I snuck over to the janitor’s closet and unwrapped my lip scarf so I could take the potion. Then I reached over to put a few drops of the potion in my mouth.
But as I was reaching for it, I tripped again.
THUMPT!
SPLASH!
Lucky for me, all of the potion landed on my bottom lip. . .
Friday
Later that day. . .
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Zombie, you’re so short, you need shoes for your chin!” Quentin said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Zombie, you’re so short, you broke your leg jumping off the toilet!” Chad said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Zombie, you’re so short, when you sneezed you bumped your head on the floor!” Darius said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
Then I found myself in the janitor’s closet again.
Yeah, things didn’t go as expected.
The good news is that my big lips are gone.
The bad news is that right now I’m so small I didn’t even have to open the door to the janitor’s closet to get in.
And when I mean small, I mean like, I can use a sock for a sleeping bag kinda small.
Or like, I can do limbo under the door kinda small.
Or like, I can play handball on the curb kinda small.
So much for my plan to be more popular.
Man, I’m already below average on the popularity scale.
And right now, I just dropped down to the same category as boogers, toe jam and belly button hair.
Though, I don’t know why those are unpopular. . .they’re actually pretty tasty.
Anyway, what am I going to do now?
There’s no hope for me.
I’m doomed.
Saturday
So, I woke up this morning and I was back to normal.
It seems that the effects of Steve’s potion were only temporary.
But, man, that was rough.
It’s like, no matter how hard I try, something is always trying to hold me down.
GRRRRRRRRRR!
What was that?
Then, I felt something weird under my shirt.
So I lifted up my shirt, and my stomach started to bubble.
Then, all of a sudden. . .
POP!
“WHAT THE WHAT!”
Next thing I know, there’s a huge round piece of zombie flesh where my bellybutton used to be.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
Man, I thought my outie was big before. . .Now its huge!
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“Zombie, what in the world is the matter?” my mom asked, running into my room.
“Mom. . .LOOK!” I said as I lifted my shirt.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“Oh, Zombie, it’s not that bad. Your father has one, and I think it’s really cute,” she said.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“We even named it,” she said. “We call it Zack.”
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
Oh, man, and I thought things couldn’t get any worse.
But then I could swear that I saw my outie wink at me.
Saturday
Later that Day. . .
It’s a good thing my outie went back to normal size.
I would hate to have to live the rest of my life with that thing.
I mean, it’s hard enough to keep one mouth fed on this body.
But don’t get me wrong, it did start to grow on me.
No seriously, it kept growing until it was the size of a head.
And it had hair, and eyes and everything.
I decided to call him Justin.
I could even make him move if I flexed my muscles.
But the singing eventually got on my nerves, so I knew he had to go.
Sunday
Today, I decided to go see Steve and take my mind off my troubles.
“Hey, Steve.”
“Hey, Zomb. . .Whoa!”
“Whoa to you too. What’s up?”
“Uh. . .Zombie.”
“Yeah, Steve?”
“Um. . .you OK there, buddy?”
“Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“Uh. . .you look like you just came back from a Zombie Villager convention.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, a little scared to get the answer.
“Here, take a look,” Steve said as he handed me a mirror. “Nice unibrow, though.”
And there it was. A huge, bulbous piece of Zombie meat stuck right on my face.
“HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! What’s happening to me?”
“It’s OK, man,” Steve said. “Having a nose is cool.”
“Sniff. . .really?”
“Yeah, it’s like having an extra chin but on your forehead.”
“HWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
Then I ran all the way back home.
Suddenly, I ran into Old Man Jenkins on the way home.
“Hey, Mr. Jenkins.”
“Whoa, Zombie. Looks like you’re going through some changes, huh?”
“How’d you guess?”
“Oh, I don’t know. . .it’s as plain as the nose on your face, ha ha!”
“Sniff. . .sniff. . . HWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Zombie. Didn’t mean to curdle your milk. I was just trying to cheer you up a bit.”
“Mr. Jenkins, what am I gonna do? No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop from mutating.”
“I remember when I went through puberty,” Old Man Jenkins said. “It was the hardest hundred years of my life.”
“A HUNDRED YEARS!!!!”
“Yeah, that’s how long it usually takes for most Zombies. Though, some kids go through it even longer.”
“WHAT!!!!”
“Didn’t your mom and dad tell you about this stuff?”
“No. . .”
“Man, these modern parents think they know everything, with their homeschoolin’ and vegan lunch boxes, and stuff. But they don’t even know how to teach a kid the ropes. It figures. . .”
“Sniff. . .sniff. . .”
“But don’t worry, Zombie. I know a potion that can help you slow down your growth spurt. Got it from Betsy, a witch I dated once. She made it for me so that my skin would stop clearing up. Yeah, Betsy really liked my rough and scaly zombie skin, especially when it had some big, pus-filled pimples on it. She said it made me look manly.”
“Uh. . .Mr. Jenkins, do you still have the potion?”
“I think I have one bottle left in my truck,” he said.
Then he jumped into the back of his truck, which was also his house, and came out with two really old and dusty potion bottles.”
“WEEEHOOO, here they are! Boy, do these bring back memories. Uh. . . let’s see. . .which one is it again? . . . Hmm. . .” he said as he sniffed them, while scratching his rough, scaly and pimply head.
“Uh. . .yeah, that’s right. Here you go, Zombie,” he said as he handed me
one.
“Thank you, Mr. Jenkins. Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“But remember, just take a few drops before you go to bed and you’ll be a new Zombie by morning.”
“OK, thanks again, Mr. Jenkins!”
Oh man! This is it!
My luck is really turning around.
Now I can pursue my dream of being the most popular kid in school again.
And this time, nothing’s gonna stop me!
Monday
I woke up this morning and I was back to normal again.
All thanks to Old Man Jenkin’s potion.
So when I got to school, I went back to finish my research.
CLICKETY CLACK, CLICKETY CLACK, CLICKETY CLACK.
Great! Here’s that article again. . .
‘HOW TO BE A POPULAR ZOMBIE IN 3 EASY STEPS’
OK. So, what’s the next thing it says?
BE FRIENDLY
Be friendly. Popular zombies are friendly with pretty much everyone—not only their friends, but also teachers, supervisors, the grocery store clerk, the janitor, parents, the kids at school, and anybody who could use a little happiness in their day.
OK. I can do that.
I just need to be nice to everybody. But man, that could take a long time.
I know! I’ll just say hi to everybody I pass in school. That should make me the most popular kid in school by lunchtime.
RRRRRIIIIINNNGGG!!!
Well, there’s the bell. This is my chance.
“Hi”
“Hi”
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“Howdy.”
“Howdy.”
“Wassup son?”
“SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK?”
“Wassup Brah?”
“SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!”
“SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!”
“LOOK!” I heard somebody yell!
“HAHAHAHA!”
Then the kids started pointing at me and laughing again.
I meant to scratch my head to figure out what was happening, but I missed.
Then I reached for my head and missed again.
For some reason, every time I tried to touch my face, I kept missing.
Then I heard Darius start up.
“Hey, Zombie, your head is so small, you need to use a tea bag for a pillow!” Darius said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Zombie, your head is so small, when you wake up you start singing “Everything is Awesome!” Quentin said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Zombie, your head is so small, you can use a shoelace for a blindfold!” Chad said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!”
“HAHAHAHA!”
“SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!”
I wanted to say something. But for some reason every time I opened my mouth, I sounded like a mouse in a boys’ choir.
So, I ran to the bathroom because I wanted to see what everybody was laughing at.
WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT?!!!!!
“SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK!!!”
It’s a good thing nobody could understand me because I just said every bad word I could think of.
Then I did my walk of shame all the way to the janitor’s closet.
You know, I should probably make myself at home in there.
It is actually kind of cozy. . .
In a janitor’s smelly butt kind of way.
Tuesday
Today, I thought I had to go to school looking like somebody put my head in a pencil sharpener.
It’s a good thing that Old Man Jenkin’s potion wore off.
I was lucky, too, because we have a field trip today.
And in order to get there, I have to ride the school bus with Darius and his minions.
But you know, it’s actually supposed to be a pretty cool field trip today.
We’re going to the Museum of Nether History.
It’s supposed to have all the cool history stuff about the Nether.
Like the history of the Nether Fortress, an exhibit about the lava pits, and some Ghasts are even supposed to do a flyby.
Ooooh, I hope we get to visit the volcano too. That would be so off the hook.
I just want to see it fart. . . just once.
“Hey, Zombie, you’re so dumb that you stared at a cup of orange juice because it said concentrate!” Darius said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
Oh, man, here we go again. . .
“Hey, Skelly, you’re so ugly, you made an onion cry!”
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Creepy, you’re so clumsy, you tripped over a cordless phone!”
“HAHAHAHA!”
Man, this is what it was like on the bus all the way to the museum.
Now, I would come up with a comeback, but I know my mom and dad wouldn’t approve.
Yeah, right.
It’s more like whenever I try one of my comebacks, nobody laughs.
Like one time I said, “Oh, yeah? Well your breath smells like boogers.”
Yeah. . .nobody laughed.
It’s probably because every kid’s breath smells like boogers.
RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
All of sudden, I heard that same rumbling sound I heard at Steve’s house but much louder. It even shook the school bus.
AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
“It’s OK, kids, it’s just the volcano releasing gas. There’s nothing to worry about,” Ms. Bones said.
Aw man, I really wanted to see the volcano do that up close.
When we got to the museum, it was awesome.
Our tour guide was a Wither Skeleton named Dr. Patella, and he had a Blaze for an assistant.
They showed us everything.
“Hey, can we see the volcano up close?” I asked.
“Unfortunately, the volcano tour is closed for safety reasons,” Dr. Patella said.
“Hey, I thought they said it was safe?” one of the other kids said.
“Uh. . .Yes, it is. We. . .Uh, just don’t want any accidents, you know. But. . . uh. . .move along kids, this way to the Ghast Flyby exhibition.”
I don’t know. It sounded kinda fishy to me.
“Hey, guys, is it me or did that Wither Skeleton sound like he was hiding something?”
“I. . .sniff. . .don’t. . .sniff. . .know. . . sniff,” Creepy said, still sobbing from the tongue lashing we got from Darius and his friends.
“What? You don’t think the volcano is active, do you?” Skelly asked.
“I don’t know. It just seemed like the tour guide was hiding something.”
“Hey, guys, look at this,” Slimey said, pointing to the sign in front of the Nether Volcano exhibit.
Welcome to the NETHER National Park giant Supervolcano. The lava from this volcano is the source of all the NETHER’s famous lava pools, geysers, and hot springs.
The supervolcano erupts about every 600,000 years, and it’s been about that long since the last eruption. That means the volcano could erupt any day now, and if it does it’ll send a cloud of dust and ash into the sky so big it will blot out the sun for years, along with blowing a 25-mile-wide crater in the NETHER, destroying every living thing on the planet.
A group of zombie scientists and engineers are currently developing a plan to prevent an eruption by stealing the volcano’s lava. Supervolcanoes like the one in the NETHER spend hundreds of years gradually building up heat until they reach a critical point and then they erupt. But outlets like lava pools, geysers and hot springs can bleed out some of that heat, delaying the inevitable erup
tion.
The scientist’s plan is to drill a hole into the side of the volcano and pump out enough lava to prevent it from ever erupting.
Our scientists hope this program will work because, if not, it’s only a matter of time before this supervolcano will explode and all life in the Minecraft world will cease to exist.
Thank you for visiting. We hope you enjoyed our tour.
“WHAT THE CRAZY, WHAT?!!!”
“This thing says that the Nether volcano can erupt any day now!”
“But the tour guide said there was nothing to worry about, right, Zombie?” Creepy asked.
“I don’t know, but I don’t trust him. Wither Skeletons are really sneaky, you know.”
“Hey, that’s my uncle,” Skelly said.
“Oh, sorry.”
RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
“Oh man, there it is again!” Slimey said.
We all just looked at each other not knowing what to think.
“Hey, you boys need to get back to the group before you get lost,” Dr. Patella said. “We wouldn’t want any of you to have an accident, now would we?”
I sure didn’t like the way that Dr. Patella looked at me with those sunken black eye sockets.
It sure does feel like he’s hiding something.
Wednesday
Well, things have been pretty quiet the past few days.
No crazy, weird body changes, thank goodness.
My dad told me that during puberty, Minecraft mob kid changes happen in spurts.
And, he said that most of the changes are only temporary until my body ultimately evolves into its final form.
Kinda like a Pixelmon.
But, I don’t know if I like that.