Nathan expelled a loud breath and rose. His footsteps echoed on the tiled floor as he headed to the church offices. It seemed as if no time at all had passed when he fit the key into the lock, opened the door and flipped on the inside lights.
He stiffened then as the changes hit him full force. His temporary replacement, Reverend Pritchard, had completely rearranged the furniture and put up his own artwork. Nathan advanced farther into the room and stood behind the desk. His personal photos were gone, replaced with pictures of a man canoeing on a glass lake. Cautiously he moved around the desk to sit in the high-back chair. A group of cards was displayed on the desk, and Nathan couldn’t help but read a few of the remarks inside.
“Dear Rev. Pritchard, Thank you for the wonderful sermon at my mother’s funeral...”
“Thank you for your prayers for my daughter. God bless you, Rev. Pritchard.”
His hand stilled as he read the last one.
“Dear Rev. Pritchard, Thanks for your help with the spring fund-raiser. This parish has come alive since you took over. I hope you will consider staying on permanently.”
An invisible knife blade twisted Nathan’s gut. With deliberate care, he placed the card back on the shelf. While he’d been stuck in the past, it seemed his parish had moved on without him. Nathan allowed the pain and disappointment to wash over him. He’d let his people down. They’d needed a spiritual leader to guide them, and he’d failed to fulfill his duties. Reverend Pritchard had stepped into his shoes and taken over—quite well apparently.
Nathan looked at his watch. It was almost time for his meeting with Bishop John Telford.
Footsteps in the hallway alerted Nathan to someone’s approach. A tall, thin man appeared at his door in a charcoal-gray suit that complemented the silver in his hair.
“Bishop John,” Nathan said, rising. “It’s good to see you again.”
The older man stepped inside and shook Nathan’s hand warmly. “Good to see you, too, Nathan. You’re looking well.”
“Thank you. I’m feeling much better.” He motioned for the bishop to take a seat. “I appreciate you rearranging your schedule to see me.”
Bishop John nodded. “This meeting is long overdue and I didn’t want to put it off.” He crossed one leg over the other and leaned back. “So, Nathan, are you ready to come back to work?”
Nathan squirmed under John’s serious gaze. He’d forgotten how direct his superior could be. No small talk to soften the way. “I’m still not sure if I can, John.” His gaze roamed the room. “As much as I miss this place, there are too many bad memories here.”
The disappointment in John’s gray eyes made Nathan flinch.
“I’m sorry, too. The parish is losing a good man.” John nodded. “I’ll put your name in for a new parish. Preferably one in this general area, I presume?”
Nathan’s initial thoughts flew to Paige. He could ask for something that would put him closer to the college she attended. But he had to put Zach’s needs first.
“Anything in this general area would be good. I’d like to keep Zach close to his grandparents.”
“I understand.” John jotted down some notes on a small pad of paper he’d pulled from his jacket pocket. “I’ll have Reverend Pritchard announce your departure to the congregation next week. They’ll probably want to throw you a farewell reception.”
“That’s fine. Zach’s camp will be finished in a few weeks.”
The bishop put his notebook away and rose. “I’ll be praying for you, Nathan—that God finds the right placement for you. And that you’ll achieve the peace of mind you’re seeking.”
“Thank you, John. I appreciate everything you’re doing. I’m only sorry I let you down.”
John frowned. “You didn’t let me down. You’re doing what’s best for you and your son after an unspeakable tragedy. I respect you for that.”
Nathan’s chest constricted. “Thank you. That means a lot.”
When the door closed behind John, Nathan sank back into his chair and let the air whoosh out of him. He would miss this parish family. They were a wonderful group of people. It was just unfortunate the way things had worked out.
On the bright side, he was getting a chance for a fresh start with people who didn’t know his tragic history. He and Zach would start over and make a good life together, wherever God chose to use him.
After he locked up the office, Nathan stepped out into the fresh air and sunlight, feeling some of his burden had been lifted. It was such a beautiful day, he decided to walk the two blocks to the rectory—the last step in facing his past. He needed to return to his home, no matter how many painful memories it held.
The small two-bedroom bungalow had changed very little since he left, except for the long fringes of grass that partly obscured the walkway to the front door. Nathan couldn’t help but remember coming here for the first time with Cynthia as a newlywed and how excited they’d been to move into their first house.
The door stuck as he turned the key, and he used his hip to push it open. Immediately, a wall of hot air hit him. He made his way in, grimacing at the stale, musty smell. He strode into the kitchen, where he pulled open the window over the sink to let the air in. He did the same in the living and dining room, before he took a moment to be still and look around.
Everything appeared exactly as he had left it. The overstuffed brown couch and love seat, the faded area rug with a few of Zach’s remote-controlled cars and action figures still scattered about. He remembered the panicked state he’d been in when he’d left, suffocating in anxiety, desperately needing a change of scenery.
His glance fell on the small pile of cardboard boxes in the corner of the room by the door. The last of Cynthia’s things. Right after the funeral, her parents had cleared all her belongings out of the apartment where she and Zach had been living and had everything sent over to the rectory.
Nathan walked down the hall to Zach’s room and smiled at the customary mess. Despite the clutter, there wouldn’t be a lot to pack up when they moved. One toy box and a closet of clothes, maybe a few more things in the garage.
He closed the door and moved down the hall to the room he had shared with Cynthia. His steps slowed and he hesitated before turning the knob. Nothing but silence greeted him when he opened the door. What had he expected? Cynthia’s ghost to jump out and berate him?
The room was as barren as he had left it. He’d gotten rid of nearly everything after Cynthia’s betrayal. Yet while the physical reminders of his wife may be gone, the specter of memories, mostly bad ones, remained. He closed his eyes and waited for the pain and guilt to kick in, but only a slight sadness washed over him. He rolled his shoulders to dispel the tension and felt himself begin to relax. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked around the room, trying to be objective.
If he were honest, it was an ugly space—devoid of personality or style. That had been one of Cynthia’s main complaints after they’d lived there a while. And Nathan knew now she had been right. Why hadn’t he listened to her at the time?
“I’m sorry, Cynthia,” he said aloud, “for not being a better husband, for not respecting your needs. I forgive you for leaving me. I hope you can forgive me, too.”
His words hung in the air. Though he had no tangible proof of forgiveness, a sense of peace invaded his heart.
On a sudden burst of energy, he strode out to the garage, grabbed a few empty cardboard boxes and brought them inside. Over the course of the next two hours, he filled six cartons with books, photos and other personal items that he wouldn’t need in the near future. He piled the boxes in the living room with the others, then grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
As he prepared to leave the house, he became more convinced than ever that he’d made the right decision. He and Zach would make a fresh start in a new town, in a new house. He would let Zach decorate his r
oom however he wanted. Their next house would be a true home for his son. He would make sure of it.
Nathan remembered to close the windows before he turned out the lights and stood in the entrance, taking one last look at his former home. Then, with a turn of the key, Nathan closed the door to that chapter of his life and walked away.
Chapter Sixteen
“So what’s the deal with you and Porter?” From the driver’s seat of his Mustang, Matt speared Paige with a questioning glance.
Once they were certain their father would make a full recovery, Matt had insisted on driving her back to Wyndermere, and since she’d already told Nathan not to wait for her, she’d had no excuse to refuse her brother’s offer.
Paige kept her eyes glued to the road ahead and struggled not to groan. This was the main reason she’d wanted to take a bus back. “I told you. I’m counseling his son.”
“And?”
“And we’ve become friends.”
He snorted. “Friends? I saw the way the guy was looking at you.”
Her irritation rose. “You’re seeing things that aren’t there.”
“Yeah, well, call me crazy, but I’d say the guy’s in love with you.”
Her heart stopped in her chest for a good ten seconds before it thumped to life again. “No,” she whispered. “You’re wrong.”
“I don’t think so.” He raised an eyebrow. “And judging from your reaction, I’d say you’re halfway gone yourself.”
Warmth flooded her cheeks as she glared at him. “You are so off base it’s not funny.”
He only snorted again.
What was it about brothers that made you want to kill them? She clamped her mouth shut and stared out the window, unsettled by her own thoughts. Could Matt be right about Nathan? Was he in love with her?
With all her heart, she prayed he was wrong. Paige did not want to be responsible for any more heartache for Nathan. Because no matter what she felt or didn’t feel, there could be no future for them.
Almost losing her father had only reinforced her decision not to risk loving again. Waiting to hear whether her dad would live or die, she’d relived the same terror as when she’d lost Colin. God was sending her a message—one she received loud and clear.
About an hour outside Pine Ridge, Matt stopped to gas up and grab some burgers at a roadside restaurant. Matt wiped his chin with his sleeve, caught her watching and grinned sheepishly.
She laughed. “Just like old times, except Mom’s not here to yell at you.” Sobering, she handed Matt a napkin. “We had a great childhood, didn’t we?”
“The best.”
She shuddered. “I don’t know what I would have done if we’d lost Dad. I couldn’t go through that type of grief again.”
Matt crushed his wrapper into a ball before responding. “I know it’s scary, Paige, but death is unavoidable.”
She bit down on her bottom lip. “Which is why I’m never getting married.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I’m very serious. Losing Colin almost killed me. I can’t go through anything like that again.”
He shook his head. “That’s a lonely way to go through life, sis. Do you really think you’ll be satisfied that way? Without someone special to share your life?” He shot her another stern look. “And what about your patients? Will you build a wall around yourself to keep their grief from touching you?”
Paige’s thoughts flew to Zach. Was that why she hadn’t pushed him to open up more, because deep down she couldn’t deal with Zach’s greatest pain?
She stuck out her chin. “Remaining detached is a necessity when dealing with such intense emotions every day. I’ll be a better counselor by being objective.”
Matt chewed a fry. “Was Mr. Dickenson aloof and objective when he treated you? Or did you feel a real sense of caring from him?”
Paige’s throat constricted as memories of Mr. Dickenson’s warmth and kindness came back to her. His empathy and the knowledge that he had truly cared about her had been a big factor in helping her heal.
Matt leaned over and laid a warm hand on her arm. “You’re a warm, loving, compassionate person, Paige. Don’t lock half of yourself away. Your family, your friends and your future patients deserve all of you.”
She let out a ragged sigh. “I’m doing the best I can, Matti.” Grabbing her trash, she pushed up from her seat. “Come on. We’d better get back on the road.”
He scowled but remained silent as they headed back to the car. Which was good, because she had no energy left for another argument.
* * *
The sign for Wyndermere appeared about an hour after they got back on the road. Against her will, Paige’s pulse sped up at the prospect of seeing Nathan again, but she immediately squashed any lingering expectations.
Still, she had to work hard at containing her emotions while Matt parked the car outside Wyndermere’s main entrance. She scanned the lobby as she entered, leaving Matt to make arrangements for a room. A few guests straggled through the hall on their way back from the dining room, but there was no sign of Nathan. Was she disappointed or relieved?
When she reached George’s office, she took a deep breath and knocked.
“Come in,” George called.
The sound of his voice, so solid and familiar, had her sighing in relief as she breezed through the door. “Hey, George. I’m finally back—”
The words died on her lips when she spotted Nathan across the room. He rose from the guest chair as she entered.
A flush crept up George’s neck. “Paige, you’re back. You didn’t tell me you were coming today.” He looked almost guilty. Had they been talking about her?
“Well, here I am.” She avoided Nathan’s eyes as George hugged her, but Nathan crossed the room to stand beside her.
“How is your father?” The sun beamed through the window to surround his head in a golden glow.
“Much better, thanks. The doctor says he should make a full recovery.”
“That’s good news.”
“Yes, it is.” She tried not to stare and focused on George instead. “I thought I’d better check in with you. I’ll be back to work first thing tomorrow.”
“Good. We’ve missed you around here.” He rocked back on his heels.
The tension in the room fairly crackled around Paige.
“Matt’s here,” she said a little too brightly. “He wants to say hello if you have a minute.”
A relieved grin broke out on George’s face. “Are you kidding? Of course I do.”
He strode out the door before Paige could say another word, leaving her alone with Nathan. She shifted from one foot to the other, trying to ignore how good he looked and the intense way he watched her.
She moved around a chair to keep a distance between them. “How’s Zach?”
“Glad to be back. He really missed camp.” Nathan leaned a hip against George’s desk.
She smiled. “Good to know.”
“He missed you, too.” His voice was husky.
She fiddled with her purse strap on her shoulder. “How was your trip home?”
“It was...healing.” He paused, then looked her in the eye. “I quit my job.”
“You what?” She grasped the back of the chair to steady herself, sure she couldn’t have heard him right.
“I met with the bishop, and I resigned.”
Why did those few words rock her to the core? “So what are you going to do now?”
He shrugged. “The bishop has put in for a transfer. Guess I’ll wait and see what God has in store for me.”
A transfer? What if they sent Nathan far away—to the other side of the country? Her heart lurched at the possibility, then she reminded herself that it didn’t matter where he went,
since she wouldn’t be part of his future. “Well, I know wherever you end up, you’ll do great,” she said softly.
“Thank you.”
The emotion in his eyes reminded her why she needed to keep her distance.
“I really have to catch up with Jerry and Sandy. I’ll see you later.” She stepped out the door, but he followed her into the hall.
“Paige, is everything all right?”
Steeling herself, she turned. “Everything’s fine.”
She thought he was going to challenge her, but he only nodded.
“You must be tired from your trip. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”
Paige managed a stiff smile, then continued down the corridor and pushed out the door. She needed to find her friends and get an update on what had been going on in her absence. After checking the cafeteria, she headed down to the lake.
Paige scanned the crowd but failed to see her friends among them. A couple of teenage aids were supervising the energetic group in a rousing game of beach volleyball. Paige chuckled as the ball bounced right into the water, causing whoops of amusement from the opposing team.
“Paige.”
The delighted cry of a child caught her attention. She looked over to see Zach flying toward her. She laughed out loud as he fell in the sand, and pulled himself back up. The joy on his face as he threw himself at her brought tears to her eyes. She caught him up in a huge bear hug, not even minding the damp swimsuit or the scratch of sand.
“How are you?” she said as she set him down.
“Great. Want to join our team?”
“I’d love to, but I can’t right now. I have to find Jerry and Sandy.”
Disappointment clouded Zach’s eyes.
She tousled his wind-blown curls. “I need to catch up on the work I missed, but I’ll be with you all day tomorrow. You and I need to have some time to talk, too.”
“Okay,” he agreed, brightening. “I think Jerry’s in the boathouse. See you later. I gotta go before they start losing.”
She laughed as he raced back to the beach. Nothing like kids to cheer you up.
Healing the Widower's Heart Page 16