“No everything is not okay,” I cried.
I unleashed everything.
I told him all about Brendan and the awful night I had. I told him how the incident with Kyle was a little more messed up than I lead on and how I got drunk and almost let some guy at the bar take advantage of me. I told him how ugly I was and how much I hated being ugly. I let it all come out.
Jim was angry listening to my cries, but talking to him helped. I felt better letting out some of the hurt I had been holding onto these last few months.
The only thing I didn’t mention was Grant. I didn’t want Jim to know about the time we had spent together and how hard I fell for his friend. My brother was already furious on the other end of the phone. I didn’t want him to get mad at Grant.
At least Grant had let me down gently.
Chapter Twelve
My parents’ mantle was lined with holiday cards. I only paid attention to the ones with a photo. One in particular caught my eye.
Season Greetings from the Donovan family, Stan, Dot, Julie and Grant.
The sweaters, the fireplace, the fake grins…it was the exact same pose every year. We’d even discussed it over the summer one night. He said they were getting ready to take it before he left for school. Every year at the end of the summer, they cranked up the AC, lit a fire and dressed up in whatever “gay” sweater his mom had picked out for them. Then he pointed out that he meant gay in the jovial, glad tidings Christmas way making sure to sound politically correct. He was full of shit and I called him out.
“Hey, little sis.” Jim walked into the living room. It was unlike him, but he walked over and gave me a big hug. “You okay?”
“I’m better.” I patted his back.
“Can you please rethink that whole nun thing?”
“Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll be getting none the rest of my life.” I pushed away from him laughing.
“I’m so glad to hear you making jokes. I’ve been so worried since we talked and I want you to know I’m gonna do everything I can to watch out for you. I’ve been slacking in the big brother department.”
“No, you haven’t. I think I’ve just been slacking in the life department.”
“I talked to Jeanie and I told her I was gonna spend some time with you while we’re home. We’ll watch movies and I’ll kick your ass at Monopoly, whatever you want.”
“Oh, my God, no, you’re crazy. You don’t have to hang out with your pathetic little sister. Hang out with Jeanie and your friends. I swear I’m fine. You just happened to call on a bad night.”
“I’ll still see Jeanie, but you know we can hang out too.”
“What about the guys?”
“Most of them aren’t even around until next week. I think the only home is Grant and I’ll see him next week when I see everyone else.”
I wished he hadn’t mentioned Grant was home. It made knowing I wouldn’t see him that much harder.
“Fine, get Monopoly. I’m the racecar.”
Popcorn, soda and four laps around the board and I was already in the lead. I owned all the railroads, Boardwalk and Park Place and was about to start building some houses. Jim passed go and I handed him two-hundred dollars. I was the banker. He was in charge of properties.
A noise vibrated and Jim checked his phone. “Not mine,” he said, shrugging.
I grabbed mine and saw a text from an unknown number. I hated unknown texts. I was always worried they were scams, and that if opened, I would be charged fifty dollars or something weird. But curiosity always got the better of me. I opened and read two words.
Dunkin’ Donuts.
I gasped and gulped loudly. Grant.
“What is it? Is it something bad? Who’s texting you?” My brother went into protective mode. There was no way I could tell him who it was. Or at least, who I assumed it was.
“I think I just opened up some text scam.”
“Delete it.”
“Okay.” I pretended to delete the message and set my phone down.
I rolled the dice and wound up in jail. I was stuck in more ways than one. I needed to get out of jail and out of the house. I needed to get my ass to Dunkin’ Donuts. It had to be Grant. What did he want? Jim didn’t notice but when I paid to get out of jail, I paid triple the amount. I also began cheating. But in his favor. I miscounted making sure to land on his properties and really played it up that I was annoyed by losing.
This backfired on me.
Jim already felt bad at my sucky life and he wanted me to win. So while I tried to let him win, I soon realized, he was doing the same to me. This game would go on forever if I didn’t do something. I flipped the switch and kicked his butt.
“Winner. You suck” I chanted while bankrupting him. It would’ve looked weird if I didn’t.
“Play again?”
“No. I need coffee. Maybe later.” I stood up shoving the pieces back into the box.
“I could use some coffee. I’ll come with you.”
“No!” Think. I had to say something. “I get that you want to spend time together and I appreciate it, but if you’re up my ass the whole time, we’re just gonna get on each other’s nerves.”
“Okay, relax. Just get me a cup when you’re out and bring it back.” He walked away mumbling.
I had no time to feel guilty. I ran up to my room and used the two minutes I gave myself to brush my teeth and run a brush through my hair. I didn’t know what this was or why I was meeting him, but fresh breath trumped any other primping.
Of course, I hit every red light possible. My heart was pounding. There was no way he was still going to be there. He probably left half an hour ago. What did he even want? What were we even going to say to each other?
I pulled in and saw his car. Parking next to him, I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I get out or was he going to? Turning off my car, I opened my door and stepped out. He did the same. We stood facing each other between the two cars in the bitter cold of the parking lot.
“You were right. We need to finish what we started.” His hand slid up to my cheek and his lips crashed down on mine. There was no time to think, only to react. I stood on my toes reaching for his shoulders, and this time, the kiss didn’t end there. It intensified. He parted my lips and the warmth of his tongue entered my mouth.
It was finally happening. I was being kissed, and not by just anyone, but by Grant. Someone I had genuine feelings for. I never wanted the moment to end. His kiss melted away all the bad feelings I had about myself. It was as if every bad moment I’d ever experienced was in order to make this moment so perfect.
When we pulled away, my breath blew out in a fluffy white plume that I swear was shaped like a heart. The cold wind made my eyes tear. Either that or I was just so incredibly happy.
“We kissed.” Grant’s arms were still wrapped around me.
“We did.”
“Now what?”
I stood back up on my toes. “I think we should do it again.”
Chapter Thirteen
A little after midnight, I walked back in with a large coffee and raw, swollen lips.
My dad and Jim were sitting on the couch watching A Christmas Story. My mom had fallen asleep in the recliner next to the twinkling lights of the decorated tree.
“Where the hell did you go for coffee, Africa?” Jim took the cup from my hand.
“Yes, Jim, I went to Africa. I heard they opened up a chain of Dunkin’ Donuts in the Serengeti and I wanted to see if the coffee there tasted as good as the coffee does here.”
My dad snickered and Jim placed his coffee down on the end table. “Thank you, but I don’t think I’m gonna be drinking coffee at midnight. Seriously, where did you go?”
I plopped down on the love seat. “I just went for a drive to clear my head.”
“Did it work? Do you feel better?”
“Yes, I definitely do.” I smiled and laid my head down on the throw pillow. I pretended to watch the movie, but all I could do was think back
to the parking lot. The first kiss. The second kiss. And then the endless one in the front seat of his car. The ones that caused his windows to fog up.
We didn’t even come up for air. I didn’t need air. Grant was my air.
My father and brother’s constant laughing at Ralphie and his BB gun wishes were interrupting my delightful thoughts. I quietly slipped from the room unnoticed and went upstairs.
My phone sounded from my purse.
Grant: I just got home and I already want to see you again.
Tori: Me too.
Grant: When’s the next time I can see you?
Tori: Tonight.
Grant: Tonight?
Tori: Invite me over. Invite me to spend the night.
He didn’t respond right away.
Grant: Do you understand what you’re asking?
Tori: I do.
Again, his response was delayed.
Grant: Will you spend the night with me?
Tori: Yes.
The same as before, teeth and hair brushed, and then I snuck out the front door. I pulled around to the back of Grant’s house and parked by his apartment. He was waiting outside. We kissed before he whisked me inside and shut the door.
“What are we doing?” he whispered. “We need to discuss this more before we take this any further.”
“I think we need to take this further before we can discuss it.” I unbuttoned my coat and it dropped down to the floor. I reached my arms around his neck and kissed him again.
“I know my way is smarter but your way just seems to be making a whole lot of sense right now.” His lips left mine and connected with a soft spot of skin next to my ear. I shivered from the sensation and he moved back to my lips.
“Take me into your bedroom.”
“Tori, this is too quick. We need to stop and think.”
“All I’ve done is think. I’m tired of thinking. This is what I want, Grant. I want you to be my first.”
That stopped him cold. He took a few steps back from me. He was changing his mind.
No.
I would not be rejected again. I unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down, stepping free and kicking them to the side. I laced my thumbs through the sides of my panties to take them off next.
“Stop. What are you doing?’ Grant stood still, his eyes wide watching me. “We still need to do a lot of talking.”
I didn’t give him an answer. My mind was made up. I slid the panties down my legs and removed my top. All that was left was my bra. It was the one item I hesitated in removing. There was nothing under there for him to see. I took a quick breath and reached behind my back, unhinged the clip letting it fall to the floor.
I kept my arms at my side. No hiding. If he didn’t like what he saw, then this would end now. Would he look at me as a woman or a kid? This was the moment of truth.
His eyes stayed locked on mine before I lowered them willing him to do the same. Those brilliant green eyes took in my body, stopping at my small chest. There was no move toward me. He stayed planted where he was. His eyes going dark, his chest rose with deep breaths. Was he angry with me?
The courage I had only moments ago started to vanish. There was no way of knowing what was going through his head. I lifted my arms and crossed them over my chest. The action broke whatever trance Grant was under and he moved over to me.
His perfect lips followed a trail down my neck making me drop my arms and arch back. His thumb traced over one of my breasts and before I could even catch my breath from the way his touch made me feel, his tongue connected with my nipple. The sensation caused my nipple to pucker in full response. We both let out an elated groan and I tangled my hands in his hair.
“Tori, I need you to be sure you’re doing this for the right reasons.” He backed away from my body and I already missed his touch. I absolutely wanted more and leaned into his chest. His fingers eased gingerly down my back. “You need to answer me.”
“This is right,” I breathed the words. “Nothing in my life has ever felt right until you.”
He didn’t say anything and maybe I should have made sure it felt right to him too. I was just too afraid to ask. Clasping my hand, he led me back to his room. I took his actions as the answer I needed.
His bed was soft. He lifted up the covers and I relaxed underneath them feeling less vulnerable. I could hear his clothes coming off, landing next to the bed. I couldn’t see his naked body in the darkness, but I was still blushing.
The bed sunk from his weight. I stiffened as his rough hand slid over the smooth skin of my stomach. My chest craved his touch, and when his hands roamed back up, I gasped in excitement.
He was very patient—in tune with what I was feeling. He could tell what things made me feel good and what things made me feel uncomfortable.
I picked up on his signals as well. His erection pressed against me, and his breathing became more strained. When I reached down and touched him, he groaned against my ear. The sound excited me and encouraged me to touch him more. His hand guided me in the motion he wanted.
I stopped, parting my legs, ready for what came next. It was unknown. There was no way to be sure if I was actually ready, but I wanted him. My first time was going to be with someone I loved. That was all that mattered.
Grant put on a condom. I didn’t ask him to. Safety would have never occurred to me. Thankfully, it did to him.
Even though I wanted to have sex, my legs had a hard time relaxing. He rubbed my thighs gently until they finally opened up to him. He eased in slow and not all the way. It hurt.
“Do you want me to stop?”
“No.”
He pushed in deeper. The pain was more than I expected. Each thrust was gentle even though it didn’t feel like it. It was my first time; it was supposed to hurt, I rationalized.
My eyes filled from the pain, the experience…the closeness. Our bodies connected together as close as two people could possibly be.
He finished with rapid breaths, and a final moan collapsing and kissing my shoulder before rolling over.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I nodded. It was done, but the tears were still there. They weren’t bad tears. It was my first time. My senses filled with a lot of different emotions.
My silence must have worried Grant. He sat up and turned on the light. I sat up tugging on the blankets for some modesty and saw the small stain of blood on his white sheets. I swallowed and more tears came. The sight of the blood brought more emotions to the surface. The tears spilled and I turned my head away from him. This was so embarrassing. I couldn’t even explain why I was crying. I couldn’t put it into words. I also couldn’t form the words.
Grant covered the stain on the sheets with the blanket. He got up from the bed and came back with a warm washcloth and dry towel. “I can help clean…” He looked away from me. I took the washcloth from his hands and used it quickly to clean myself. It wasn’t even that bad.
“Are you okay?” he asked again.
I nodded.
“These tears, are they because I hurt you?”
“No,” I managed to say.
“Is it because you regret what we just did?”
“No, it’s definitely not that.” I smiled, wiping away my first time tears. That was really all they were. A silly girl feeling emotional at losing her virginity with someone she really cared for.
He lay back on the bed and I snuggled into his chest. The more we lay there, the more I relaxed. The emotional way I responded to having sex felt funny now. I needed to say something to lighten the mood and bring us back to our normal selves.
“I saw your Christmas picture,” I said and he pulled me in a little closer at hearing my normal voice return.
“What did you think of it?”
“Oh, it was totally gay. Ya know, in a jovial, glad tidings Christmas-y way.”
Chapter Fourteen
I held the little wrapped package in my hand. This was awkward. I didn’t get him anything. Two days ag
o, I didn’t even think I was going to see him again, much less have sex and be exchanging gifts.
The box was wrapped with a pretty gold bow on top. Inside was a silver bracelet designed to hold charms. A cluster of little pink hearts was dangling in the center.
“That’s the first charm.” Grant gave me a heart-stopping grin. “And no one else can get you a charm. This is my gift. I want to be the one to fill it.”
I bit my lip to stop from crying. No more tears.
“It’s beautiful.”
“I know this is going to sound, jovial, but it’s how you make my heart feel, like I have a million of them beating inside of me.”
Okay, one tear was allowed. I reached up and wiped it away quickly. I blushed. “I didn’t get you anything.”
“You’ve given me plenty.” That made me blush more.
I wanted to stay at Grant’s all day. I couldn’t. It was Christmas Day. Both our families had holiday plans we needed to be present for. My family all thought I was on yet another long coffee run. Which reminded me, I still needed to pick up four coffees before going back home.
Grant kissed my lips. “Come back over tonight. Spend the night again.”
“Oh,” I dropped my head down. “I want to, but I’m not sure if I should.” My body hadn’t recovered enough from the first time. A second time so soon might be hard.
“It’s normal for you to be sore. We won’t have sex.” I closed my eyes and kept them shut tightly. Discussing my soreness was awkward. “Come over and we’ll talk, watch a movie and that’s all.” He grabbed my coat and helped me into it. He even took his sweet time pulling me in close to button up each of the large buttons. His lips landed on mine with each little tug.
“That doesn’t have to be all,” I said suggestively. Being sore could prevent some things from happening, but not everything.
“Whoa. Way too many images are going through my mind right now. So, on that note, you need to go.” He rested his hands on my shoulders, faced me toward his door and gave me a playful shove.
I looked back over my shoulder and giggled. “I’ll see you tonight. And thank you for the bracelet. I love it. You make me feel like I have million hearts beating inside of me, too.”
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