“I’m sorry, Tristan.” I wanted those things, sure. Most women did. But marriage? Children? My thoughts never went that far with him. “I don’t know what else I can say.”
“Yeah. Well. Good luck and all. I truly am glad you’re alright. You and Hollie.”
“Thanks.” I stood after he stood and walked him to the door. He leaned close after I opened it and started to reach for my arm but thought better of it at the last minute. I think the heavy footsteps behind me had something to do with it. But he did lean in and press a soft kiss cheek to my cheek.
“For closure.” He flashed his dimple.
“For closure,” I repeated, taking his hand and squeezing it remembering why I had so much warm affection for him.
“Bye, Fanny,” he said, stepping out into the hall.
“Goodbye, Tristan.” And I closed the door.
“You were gonna make babies with Tristan Murphy?” Hollie teased.
“No.”
“Good, because he would have been a bigger kid than any children you might’ve had.” She turned her head. “Ash is the much better choice.”
He was the only choice for me.
The room seemed appallingly quiet all of a sudden. That’s when I think we both noticed Ash wasn’t standing beside us anymore. Nor was he at the table where Olivia resumed clacking away with her long fingernails on her iPad screen. I found Ash at the window, the one in the far corner of the living room. His hands were in the pockets of his board shorts. His shoulders were hunched. He was staring out at the water like I’d been earlier. It seemed odd to me that he had moved away. I had figured he’d want to quiz me about Tristan as soon as he left. A quick replay of the conversation with my former lover and my sister’s teasing had my muscles locking tight like his seemed to be.
Babies.
It hit me like a hammer, like it must have when the reality of his diagnosis had fully dawned.
Disconsolate, I remembered now how he had been after hearing the news about Karen. Happy on the surface yet somehow distant. I suddenly felt that way as well. Achingly so. Never to have a child with the man you love when you’ve always dreamed of having a family. Perhaps a little girl. I would have named her Margaret after my mother. It was never meant to be.
It was ok, though. I had blessings to count. Ash and I were together. He was healthy.
Hollie picked up on what had happened, what the ramifications were at just about the same time as I did.
“Oh, Fanny,” she mouthed, finding and squeezing my fingers. “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head at her, also shaking my finger at her to be silent. I didn’t want her to make a bigger deal out of it than it already was. Ash was hurting right now. He was my priority.
Chapter Forty-Four
Ashland
“Hey.” I sensed her before she touched me. Her presence was a balm, but it didn’t heal this present wound. She wrapped her arms around me from behind and pressed her sweet body into mine. And I knew she knew. That she realized without me having to say the words what I could never give her.
“Maybe he would’ve been the better choice.”
“No.” I felt her stiffen. “He wouldn’t because I don’t love him.” Still she didn’t say it.
“We can’t have a baby together, Fanny. There will never be a child who’s half me and half you. I won’t have unprotected sex with you and put you at risk of possibly contracting the virus. I wish things were different, but they’re not.”
“It’s ok.”
It wasn’t. It was one of those concerns that had loomed largely in my mind. Here as soon as our first night together was over. I turned, brought my hands up to her face and framed it. “Don’t take this wrong. I want you. Want whatever I can have of you. Even if it means long distance, weekends, scraps of your time. However we can have the most nights together like the one last night, the most days, too. But.” I pulled in a breath and stroked the silken skin of her cheeks with my thumbs. You’re twenty-two-years-old, Fanny. Your whole life is ahead of you. You could have children with someone else. Sex without condoms and pills.”
“But not someone making love to me. Not me making love right back. Not you. Not me.” And if I didn’t already love her completely and irrevocably those words spoken without hesitation or forethought did me in. She was it. No other would do. No other could compare. No other was her. My Fanny Bay.
“You are a very good thing.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh yeah. And I want us to be a very good thing. Without any regrets or what ifs. So this is what I suggest. You go with your sister. Do the LA press conference. Take Mr. Cash with you. Just in case. I want you both to be safe. Tie up any loose ends in your life, spiritually, physically, mentally. I touched her temple. Whatever you need to do to be certain. To be absolutely sure. Of me and you and what we have here, and also what we don’t and never will. Be certain on that. Because the way I’m feeling right now after one night with you and a handful of days is that you’re the one for me. I don’t need to think about it anymore. But you have options.”
“I don’t.” She shook her head.
“That’s the deal.” I pressed my fingertips to her mouth shushing her. “Two days. That’s it. That’s all I’m gonna be able to stand not knowing your choice.” It would be so much harder than the last time to move forward if she walked away. In fact, I wasn’t sure it would even be possible. “If you’re in, and I hope with everything that is within me that you are, meet me at the coffee house. The Cosmic cup. Manhattan Beach. Noon. Day after tomorrow. I’ll be there this time. Nothing will keep me away, and if you show I’ll know nothing’s keeping us apart ever again.”
~ ~ ~
Fanny
His resigned expression before he kissed me tenderly and released me said he didn’t believe I would show up at the coffeehouse. I’d already given him myself and my love. But if it took this last step to bring him to the full realization that he had my heart and would never lose it then that was how it would be. I would do anything for him. And I knew that he would do anything for me. He just needed to take down the last bricks of the wall around him to see that truth inside himself and accept it.
“Alright, Ash if that’s what you want. That’s what we’ll do. I’ll go get my things.”
He nodded his head and his eyes radiated intensity as he stared. I knew he was committing every detail, every feature of mine to memory. I was certainly doing the same thing as I returned his perusal.
Two days of no Ash was going to seem like forever.
I was going to need those memories to tide me over.
Speaking of memories. His favor. “My Lakers cap?” I swallowed to moisten my throat. It had gone dry as sand too far from the shore. “Have you seen it?”
“The bedroom. On the dresser.”
I nodded and turned to get it, feeling his gaze on me as I walked away.
“You ok?” Hollie asked a few moments later as I sat on the bed, a fistful of sheet in one hand my Lakers cap in the other trying to hold onto what Ash and I had shared. Doing it alone would be hard, and I hadn’t even said goodbye yet.
“No.” I shook my head.
“I heard everything.” She sat down beside me. “It’s a big decision.” She pried my fingers apart from the sheet and took my hand.
“There’s no decision. I’ll be there. I already know.”
But he needs to know.
“It’ll mean something, a big something to him to know that I choose him.”
It would be a matter of faith. In himself most of all. He didn’t believe he was worthy of me. He truly thought the mistakes in his life had permanently marred him, like Victor Hugo’s tragic protagonist.
He was wrong.
He was no Quasimodo. Unlike Esmeralda, this gypsy had loved him from the start.
“It is a big decision, Fanny. You’re the one who always pretended our stuffed animals were your children. I pretended they were famous actresses jetting off to exotic locales
to film movies.”
“Yeah,” I acknowledged sadly.
“He’s a good guy,” she reminded me gently. “Take the space he’s giving you.”
I nodded. It wasn’t like I had a choice. He was sending me away. “So…” I regathered the fortitude I’d let slip into the background since I had such a strong guy taking care of me. I gestured to the strewn clothing surrounding the Offshore bags. “What do we take?”
“Why not take it all?”
“I was thinking just the ones I’ve worn. Karen mentioned her profit margin being small at the shop.”
“Oh.” She gnawed on her lip. “I didn’t know. So you’re right. I’ll fold up the things that still have tags on them. Leave a thank you note.”
“That would be nice.”
“I have something in mind for the press conference.” She moved to kneel beside the sacks. “But we can talk more about that in the car.”
“Alright.” I stood. “Sounds good.” I knelt down beside her. “Here, let me help you. It’ll go faster,” I added when it seemed like she might protest. We folded in silence for a while. There were a lot of clothes. Karen had been extremely generous. All Ash’s friends were. Our friends.
“You’re always helping me, Fanny. Looking out for me. Best sister a girl could ever have. But I think I need to start taking more ownership of my life. When I think of what you did for me. Leaving your business behind. Going out on the streets every day taking risks while I hid from the world.”
“I only did what I had to.” I paused mid-fold. “I’d do anything for you.”
“Same.” She gave me a firm nod with tears glassing her pretty grey eyes. “I’m just trying to say I’m turning eighteen. I’ll be a grown up. It’s time for me to act one. And hopefully I’ll be as good a one as you.”
“Thank you.” I reached for her hand and squeezed it. “But the way you’re going so far I’d say you’re going to be even better.”
~ ~ ~
“So this is it. I better say goodbye since Olivia has already gone down to start the car.” Hollie crossed to Ash. He stood by the door empty hands at his sides. Earlier he’d been at the table working on his practice pad. We’d heard him tapping away as we’d been folding. A staccato pattern I’d never heard him play before. His driving drum tempo was a signature of all the Dirt Dogs’ songs, but there was something different in this rhythm. It reminded me of U2’s music. Larry Mullen, Jr. A rousing martial beat. I wondered if Ramon mentioning his voice sounded like Bono had anything to do with it, or if he’d already been playing around with the rhythm a while. I wanted to ask him, but we were out of time.
“I can’t thank you enough.” Touching his arm for balance, she went up on her toes.
“Yeah.” He leaned down so she could reach him. “Best of luck out there, Hollie.” He received the kiss she pressed to his cheek and straightened. His eyes were locked on mine over her head. To anyone else his expression might convey indifference to her affection and the fact that we were leaving, but what was in his eyes said otherwise.
The ocean was in turmoil.
So was the inside of my heart.
“Ash.” I stepped toward him, taking the place directly in front of him that my sister had vacated. “I…I don’t know what to say.” He grabbed me, yanking me into him, his arms tight bands around my waist, mine trapped at my sides. “Don’t say goodbye,” he said gruffly.
“Ok.” I could barely breathe because of how tight he held me, but also because it felt like my heart was breaking.
“Thank you. For everything.” I tipped my head back. The eyes meeting mine had darkened as if just the prospect of my walking out the door took away the light. “For coming to my rescue.”
“It’s me who needs to thank you, little one. It’s you who rescued me.” His hold loosening around me, he brought his hands up to frame my face. He peered deeply into my eyes, and they filled, oh yeah, you bet they filled with him, with all that he was and all that he meant to me. They brimmed. They burned with that emotion. He lowered his head. He touched his warm lips to mine, and he stepped away. Cold rushed in, an arctic blast, the ache of immediate loneliness, the absence of Ash.
“Namaste.” I managed a step back. Placing my hands together in prayer position at my heart chakra, the center of my inner divine melody, I closed my eyes and bowed my head. “I do this to honor you, Ash, the light, the divine spark, the love, the truth, the beauty and peace I see in you.” Believe in what I see, believe in us, I prayed. I was paying obeisance to his soul, creating a ring of spiritual emotion to connect us heart to heart, generating positive vibrations I hoped would help him tear down the last barrier remaining between us. “For it is also in me.”
Opening my eyes, I spun away quickly. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I wouldn’t be able to leave if I did. Luckily, my sister was there. She anticipated my need. She placed her arm around my shoulders. She was looking out for me. My eyes flooding, Hollie took charge of both of us. She was already fully grown in my estimation, though that was a realization she had to come to. A self-awareness issue much like the one Ash was facing. She steered me out into the hall. I didn’t actually see the penthouse door closing, but I heard it click.
A boundary between Ash and me again.
Outside the air felt crisp. The ocean roared its usual enthusiastic welcome behind me, but I didn’t turn to acknowledge it today. I dragged my feet to Olivia’s sedan. Reporters swarmed us like agitated bees. Maximillian Cash hurried to get Hollie into the front passenger seat safely. At the rear of the vehicle I was jostled as I reached for my own door. Microphones clattered the glass the moment I closed it. I heard the questions I had told Ash they would ask. Cameras flashed reflecting the sheen of tears in my eyes. I was shaky and breathless on the edge of my seat as Oliva carefully applied her foot to the gas inching the car slowly away from the curb.
One more look. I swiveled around. I had to have one last look. More flashes. More photos. More shouting reporters. But no more Ash.
Chapter Forty-Five
Ashland
I had never wanted a drink more. My desire to get shit-faced as strong as it had been when I’d wrecked my car.
No. Even stronger.
I’d had a taste of her. The life we might have, and all the hopeful possibility she personified. I’d had her in my arms, in my bed, wrapped up around me.
I turned from the door. I couldn’t look at it. I didn’t like what it represented.
A barrier between us. One of my own making.
I went to the table, pausing only a moment, but the moment buffeted me. Too many memories of meals spent with her there. I grabbed my sticks. Imagined the wood groaning in the tightness of my grip or maybe it was reality. It was hard to tell. My surroundings seemed insubstantial. The absence of her already haunted me. On the stairwell as I ascended it. On the roof as I spun around. She was there and yet not. For the moment, I avoided my kit where she’d so recently come as an emerald goddess to tempt me.
I stopped at the waist high wall of glass. I stared out at an ocean that used to bring me solace. I saw the waves. Good ones today. Barrels perfect hollow tubes, but I didn’t feel like surfing. The sun was stretching for its zenith, but even when it reached it, I knew it couldn’t replace her warmth. A breeze lifted my hair like her fingers sorting through the strands.
I turned away from the view. Abandoning it, sticks in my hand, I retraced my steps across the roof, down the stairs, through the apartment. At the charging station in the kitchen, I grabbed my phone and a key and headed for the studio. Maybe I’d find surcease from the memories there.
I certainly wasn’t going to find peace inside the apartment without her.
The penthouse no longer sufficed as a refuge, not when she had made it a home.
~ ~ ~
Fanny
I gazed out the window at the pink stucco walls and the lush tropical grounds of the Beverly Hills Hotel, a sigh escaping. It was beautiful, but there was no ocean and no Ash. I
dropped my hand from the heavy curtain and turned back to the small but elegantly appointed room finding myself missing a certain partially decorated master bedroom with a killer view.
I padded across the plush carpet and dropped onto the bed staring at the closed door. And yes, even that made me think of him.
So much for yoga settling my thoughts tonight.
Given the level of noise emanating from the other side of the door there wasn’t much peace for Hollie and her entourage, either.
She was in the process of restarting her LA life. She’d gotten a fresh haircut, a facial and a massage. Now she and her personal shopper were sorting through a rack of outfits trying to choose something for the press conference. I had stayed lending my support for as long as I could, but my mind was elsewhere.
I wondered what Ash was doing.
Was he missing me as much as I missed him?
I stretched my arm across the bed and snagged my only real memento of our time together. The yarn of the purple and gold cap was rough in my grip.
I brought it to the center of my chest. Squeezed my eyes shut and hit play on the reel in my mind.
One dimensional Ash on the posters in my old room at the mansion. Laying on my bed late at night hearing my mom and Samuel arguing down the hall. Turning up the music so I could only hear the Dogs. I had often stared at his picture until my lids had grown too heavy to keep open. His eyes had always seemed so troubled. Now I knew why. Loving someone and not being loved in return. I knew that feeling. I could identify with that lack of acceptance. In my case from the man who was supposed to be my father.
Maybe that was why Ash always stood far apart from the rest of the group in the photos. The drummer had almost been an outsider in his own band. His own choice, I suspected knowing him as I now did. He needed that separation. He had required it to maintain control. But he had let me in. And he was opening up more to his friends. Changing. Growing. Evolving. And wasn’t I doing the same?
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