“We can start having small guided meditation sessions,” Angel suggested. “It’ll be a great way to get to know each other better while we also start on the path to you two becoming parents. What do you say?”
I was more than enthusiastic while Daniel seemed hesitant. After a few puppy-eye glances from the two of us, he finally relented.
We arranged to start our first session two weeks from that Friday due to our first meeting as a 'surrogate family' was starting next week. That’d give us time to get everything out the way to focus on the months ahead.
* * *
That following Monday, Daniel and I met Angel at the LifeStart clinic. Although the appointment really only called for Angel to be present for implantation we were there for support and a sense of completion in a way. Even bearing in mind something could go wrong with any pregnancy at any moment we were still optimistic with Angel as a surrogate.
The appointment was far shorter than I expected. The staff at the clinic made it seem like just another day at the park and Angel had been through the ropes before so she seemed even more optimistic and calm than the doctor and assistants that were available.
Daniel didn’t rest easy that whole entire week.
One night, I awoke to his side of the bed being empty. I figured maybe he got up to use the bathroom, so I simply turned back over and tried to go back to sleep. I noticed twenty minutes had gone by and he hadn’t returned back to bed yet.
I slipped my feet into my house shoes beside the bed and peeked out into the hall. I noticed the spare room we had designated as the nursery was open. We hadn’t started decorating yet and up to this point we just kept the door closed. All we really had in there was a crib with no bedding on it. No cute rugs or paintings of cartoon animals on the walls. Just the crib and four walls.
I walked to the door and looked in. There was Daniel, laying on the floor. He almost looked like a child himself curled up and snoring on the cold hardwood floor. How long had he been in there?
Without hesitation, I walked over to him and knelt down to shake him awake and help him get back to bed. I quickly realized this might not have been the best idea considering his sleep issues seemed only to be getting worse.
He nearly jumped up from the floor yelling and visibly terrified. His eyes were wide and as he got to his feet he was on high alert. He was looking frantically around as if being attacked from all sides. I had jumped back when he got to his feet and was now sitting on the floor looking up at him in shock.
“Daniel!” I called him, but it was like he didn’t even acknowledge.
His words were almost incoherent other than him asking over and over, “Where is it!? Where, oh No!”
I didn’t know whether to get to my own feet and grab him or stand back until his episode was over.
Then, suddenly, just like that, he froze. His eyelashes fluttered. His breathing slowed down and he looked around the room as if seeing it for the first time.
His glance fell to me as I remained still as a statue. I was still sitting on the floor just feet away from where he stood.
“Malaysia.” His voice was almost a breathy whisper. “What… what are we doing?”
“You’re in the baby’s room, Daniel,” I said.
He just stood there for a moment. Then, he lifted his left hand to his face and wiped away drops of his cold sweat that still clung to his brow. I got myself to my feet but kept my distance until I was sure he was back to his senses fully.
We eventually went back to bed, but I didn’t sleep soundly the rest of the night.
Daniel
I swore to Malaysia I couldn’t recall a thing from the night before. We were in her car on the way to meet with Angel for our first meditative session. Malaysia had been frustrated most of the morning and by the time we reached Angel’s yoga studio she was at her breaking point.
“I wish you would talk to me. For the longest time you’ve been sleeping off and on and just waking up all hours of the night,” she fussed on the way inside. “If this doesn’t help, promise me you will start seeing someone professionally, Daniel.”
Her eyes looked at me earnestly. I held the door and just paused for a moment. She deserved for me to be fully present and in my right mind, but I just couldn’t seem to pull myself together on my own. Maybe she was right. But for the moment we were going to get things underway with Angel and see if that would help.
Angel’s studio was empty that morning as it was before her usual scheduled yoga class. She had already set up our mats where they almost seemed back to back. She informed us that we were, in fact, going to sit back to back with each other as she guided us through our couple’s meditation.
Malaysia took a seat first and then I sat behind her, our backs touching on another.
“Alrighty,” Angel began. “I need the two of you to bring your knees in close to each other and hug them to your chest as you close your eyes.”
We did as she instructed and got ourselves comfortable in this position.
She began the guided meditation offering us an opportunity to use our imaginations and offered some imagery triggering words. Scenery to 'open us up more' as she put it.
I felt Malaysia’s body weight seem to lean into my back a bit more while I still remained tensed up. With my eyes closed, I let my mind be guided by Angel’s soft voice. We were asked to picture a calm lake. With a few more guided instructions she asked us to picture diving in and swimming its depths.
My mind designed a dark, dank underwater chasm. I found myself seemingly sinking into my sitting position on the floor. I pictured swimming lower and lower. As I listened to Angel’s words I felt as if I drifting calmly downward.
“Now, at the bottom, you see something that looks like a light shining upward from the lake floor,” she spoke softly.
In my mind’s eye, I saw the light from the bottom of the water. I swam toward it and found I was no longer at the bottom of the lake but swimming toward the surface again somehow. Once I broke the surface I imagined standing on the water as though it was a solid floor.
I was standing in the baby room in front of the crib. I could still hear Angel’s voice and feel Malaysia leaning against my back but my mind was completely immersed in this meditative space in my mind.
I was in front of the crib and it was… empty. Nothing. I felt a sudden welling up in my chest. My throat began tightening and before I knew it I felt a sudden urge to cry.
My eyelids instantly opened, and my lips began moving before I could think about it.
“I’m afraid.”
My sudden speaking stopped Angel in her tracks.
I felt Malaysia sit upright. She had lowered her legs down in a crisscross position and without turning to look at her I could feel her slightly turn to look at me behind her.
“I’m afraid,” I repeated.
“Afraid of what, Daniel,” Angel asked with a gentle reassurance in her voice.
I took a deep breath and then finally turned to Malaysia. We were completely facing each other now.
“I’m afraid of going through all this and still not being parents in the end. And worse, that tearing us apart,” I admitted.
Malaysia’s lips parted as if she was going to say something and instead there was silence. I wasn’t one to cry and even then I didn’t. I wanted to, but maybe it was my pride as a man. Maybe it was a shame that I wasn’t the stronger one in the midst of everything. I instead just held her hands and then lowered my head.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about all those things on my mind, Malaysia. I just didn’t want you to think I didn’t want to do any of this, especially seeing how I jumped into the idea head first to begin with.”
I wasn’t sure of the response she would give but what came next was more than a relief. She didn’t say a word just got her knees and threw her arms around my shoulders.
I heard her sobbing in my ear. “I’m afraid too. You’re not alone in your feelings, Daniel.”
I wr
apped my arms around her and hugged her tight as I got to my knees also. We had been through so much in so short a time. Even once we had gotten back from our vacation and made more plans and more arrangements it was business as usual, just in new packaging.
She sat back on her heels and began wiping her eyes. “I know I’ve taken a bit of hiatus from work since we got back and Michele understood so we could make things work, but that’s been on my mind,” she admitted.
I hadn’t even considered how that made her feel. Someone who has always worked for their own having to change gears momentarily can be overwhelming.
I was still bouncing in and out of work, having my own scheduling hopscotch around different days just to make sure I could be available to help Malaysia make preparations for what could be a newborn in the next nine months.
“We haven’t started decorating that room yet, and I've been avoiding it so I wouldn’t have to see how empty it is. It makes it too real,” I explained. “To go in there and there’s just a crib and nothing more. I want more. I want it all.”
Finally, I felt myself choke up. I did want it all. I had to swallow hard to try and hold back a tear or two with no success. Even Angel was wiping away a tear or two, but with a much more content look on her face than myself or Malaysia. She finally spoke up amidst this sudden rush of emotions in front of her.
“Ok, ok.” She cleared her throat a bit. “So, it sounds to me like it’s time to get decorating and get prepared in every way. Seal that wound and take brave steps forward. And I give you both my word that while you’re doing those things I will be doing my part in bringing this child into your lives fully and joyously.”
All Malaysia could do was nod and wipe more streaming tears from her high cheeks. I gladly nodded in agreement too. “Sounds like a game plan,” I said.
“Alright then,” Angel sang. “Group hug,” she said as she opened her arms up wide to both of us.
Malaysia finally let out a small laugh and we both closed into Angel and had one big team hug. For the first time in weeks, I felt like we could really do this. It definitely helped to have some support in Angel. Rhonda had suggested us considering therapy as most couples sometimes undergo a certain amount of stress and anxiety in the earliest stages and toward the end. Both of us being so headstrong we felt it wouldn’t be necessary.
Looking back, because we’re so stubborn we probably were the type of couple that needed it most of all.
After saying our farewells and agreeing we’d see Angel again next week to check in on her and have some more meditation we made our way back home.
I hadn’t admitted it to Malaysia, but even entering the house from time to time gave me an unexplainable sense of dread. But that afternoon it was a light, airy space for a change. The house had sunlight beaming through every window and seemed to glow with hope. Not that it hadn’t before, but my thoughts about the future seemed to be always be looming just up the stairs or around this hall or that wall. Not that day.
Later that night, the final sense of peace and calm even gave us an extra boost in bed we hadn’t had since coming back from Trinidad and Tobago. We had laid down simply to get some decent sleep before I had to be up for work in the morning and instead found ourselves in each other’s arms. What started with tender kisses transpired to Malaysia riding on top me with everything she had.
I watched in awe as her breasts swayed and her hips rocked with the length of me inside her. Within moments her head was thrown back in ecstasy as we both climaxed together.
She collapsed against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her.
We laid there for quite some time. I was getting drowsy when I heard her actually snoring. I chuckled and kissed her forehead before gently rolling her from on top of me and at my side in the bed. I looked at her sleeping soundly and had to wonder how much stress had she herself been under all this time. How had I not noticed?
The next morning at work, after what seemed like a never-ending surgical procedure, I found myself more than willing to sit down in one of the break rooms and have a heart-to-heart with Shepherd. A lot had changed since Malaysia had come into my life, especially my perspective on personal relationships.
“So, you’ve been taking that big journey to parenthood. Well good for you, boss man!”
Shepherd’s congratulations were sincere and heartfelt. Like I said, he’s a good guy despite me often giving him a hard time to get off my back on my personal matters. That had definitely changed in the past two weeks.
“Yep. And Angel, our surrogate, seems to be just the right person to help us bring that life in more ways than one,” I said. “I’ve had to reconsider a lot of what I thought I knew about parenthood and even about relationships.”
“Hey, man, it’ll change you,” Shep said with a laugh. “But it’s one of the best changes you can experience in adulthood. I know you’re my senior by a good bit of years but from what I’ve seen no matter the age in your adult years it’s worth it.”
I nodded. “Here here,” I said lifting my small Styrofoam cup of joe. He lifted as his as we drank to one of life’s beautiful changes. Parenthood. Where I once regretted holding it off I had to admit, Shep was probably right. I couldn’t have asked for it at a better time than this one in my life.
Malaysia
We were now heading into fall months but the weather was decidedly hot. Sometimes, it made me wish I had lived in the northern parts of Cali.
We had been having regular guided meditations with Angel and making more progress with our relationship as a result. Daniel’s nightmares had all but disappeared and when I returned to work I had gotten back into the swing of things easily.
Michele was happy to see I had taken such a big leap forward as far as my personal life and it was definitely reflected in our work relationship.
On a mildly temperate day, we decided to show Angel our appreciation for all she had done for us. The amount of gratitude we had for her was immeasurable. She was about 16 weeks pregnant and her lean body had developed a little tiny “baby bump” by then.
A dinner date at Monty’s Steakhouse for the three of us was more than just a dinner, but an opportunity for us to present Angel with a gift.
As we sat at the table during dinner that night I couldn’t help but notice how not only Angel glowed but all three of us seemed to have a warmth about us. Maybe, it was all the meditation and yoga we had been taking in but we truly seemed to shine as we sat there together.
“Thank you guys for inviting me out with you tonight. I’ve been starting to have those first emotional signs of hormone change, ya know,” Angel said. She lifted her glass of water and Daniel and I toasted to the evening with her.
After a sip of our drinks, I leaned over to my large tote that was the right of my seat and pulled out a medium sized jewelry box nicely wrapped in purple decorative paper and set it next to Angel’s plate.
She looked down at it, then back up to me and then to Daniel. “Oh my God. Wait. What’s that?”
Daniel smiled big as he spoke. “We wanted to thank you not just being our surrogate, but for how much you’ve truly helped me and Malaysia pull so much of the best of who we are into this whole experience.”
“Absolutely,” I agreed. “We have grown as the beautiful life in you has grown. And we couldn’t thank you enough, Angel.”
She still looked a little stunned but picked up the box and began unwrapping it. We watched in anticipation.
When she finally revealed the white gold necklace we had gifted her, her eyes lit up.
A round white gold pendant with an orb-cut amethyst nestled inside it dangled from the necklace as she lifted it out the box.
“Ooooh,” Angel sighed. A large grin spread across her face as she admired it. “It’s so beautiful! You guys!”
We had remembered her saying she liked white gold and silver jewelry but I had to research what kind of gemstone would be preferable for someone who has an interest in spiritual and meditative practic
es. Her reaction was more than I had hoped for.
“We hoped you’d love it,” I said. I leaned over and offered her a warm hug and she gladly hugged me back, then leaned over to hug Daniel on her other side. He then gestured for her to turn around to him, so he could secure the necklace around her neck.
Once he closed the clasp and she shifted the stone around to her chest it truly looked like it belonged to just the right person.
“It’s perfect! So much positive energy has gone into this whole experience with you two,” Angel said. “Even I can say I’ve definitely grown so much the past few weeks.”
After finishing up dinner Daniel and I walked Angel to her white Altima at the far end of the parking lot. Sharing a few more goodbyes hugs, we discussed having our first prenatal appointment we all three of us there. The sixteen-week appointment is always a special one according to our caseworker, Rhonda. We all agreed we were really looking forward to it in a few days.
Her Designer Baby: (Loving Over 40 Book 1) Page 9