by Lucy Gordon
The truth was there as she regarded the vision in the mirror. And vision was the word. The elegant hair, the beautifully applied make-up. That had never been done for Dan and his spark plugs. In fact, Dan never noticed what she was wearing. But Carson noticed. She felt as though the breath had been knocked out of her.
The doorbell made her jump. Please don’t let it be Dan, she thought. She needed time to come to terms with her feelings.
But it was Dan. There was only a moment to pull herself together, but she did her best. Of course Carson had become important to her, she reasoned. She shared his roof, was involved with his life and his saddest secrets. A few hours in the fresh air of Dan’s company would dispel the illusion that it was anything more.
Dan’s eyes widened as he saw the lovely gown. And for once, she thought with relief, he’d noticed how she was dressed. He was even moved to comment.
‘I say, you’ve glammed up a bit, haven’t you? We’re only going dog-racing, you know.’
‘Dog-racing?’ Carson enquired innocently.
‘I thought we were having dinner,’ Gina said in dismay.
‘There’s a restaurant overlooking the track where we can get a bite.’
‘I’ll go and change,’ she said at once.
‘No, don’t do that. Time’s running on and I don’t want to miss the first race. You’ll do as you are. Get your coat.’
As he closed the door behind them Carson looked at Joey. The boy might not be able to hear, but his father could tell that he’d picked up the atmosphere.
Their eyes met in a moment of pure masculine communication, for which no words or signs were needed.
What on earth does she see in him?
‘You’re doing a great job, I’ll give you that,’ Dan conceded generously. ‘Have some more of this pie and peas. It’s great.’
Gina adjusted a floaty end of chiffon so that it was out of danger. Pie and peas.
They’d found a place at the restaurant high over the track, with a window on one side, through which they could watch the races. Dan had bet on every race, won two, lost one, and was in good spirits.
‘How do you know I’m doing a great job?’ Gina asked. ‘You barely saw Joey.’
‘I meant with his father. Got him where you want him. He doubled his order with my firm today.’
‘Did he, indeed?’ she mused.
‘Look, I know what you’re thinking.’
‘Bet you don’t,’ she said with an unconscious return to their childhood camaraderie.
‘Bet I do. You’re thinking he’s only keeping me sweet to keep you doing his bidding.’
This was so exactly what she thought that she was reduced to silence. Dan was in a perceptive mood tonight. But then, Dan was always perceptive where spark plugs were concerned.
‘They’re good plugs, Gina. All I ask is the chance to prove it, and that’s what you’re giving me. I appreciate it. It can’t be easy working as his unpaid nursemaid.’
‘Not unpaid. He pays me on top of my salary from the firm. How do you think I could afford this dress?’
Down below, a race was about to start. Dan managed to tear his attention away long enough to study the beautiful garment.
‘Hmm, yes. I can see it cost a packet. Pity to waste money, though. You could have-look, they’re ready to start!’
‘Dan-’
‘Hang on, darling! I’ve got a bet on Silver Lad.’
For the next few minutes he was lost to her. And when Silver Lad had romped home it was hard to get him to talk about anything but his winnings. By the time she’d brought him back to the matter in hand the dogs were being led out for the next race.
‘It’s my lucky night. I’ve got a bet on Slyboots, the black dog on the far side. He’s the favourite and the odds are only four to five, but never mind.’
‘Yes, let’s forget Slyboots. We have other things to think about. Dan, you’re really extraordinary.’
‘Am I, darling? That’s very nice of you.’
‘I mean, anyone else would kick up a fuss about my sharing a house with another man, but you don’t turn a hair.’
‘Well, there’s nothing in it, is there?’
‘No, there isn’t,’ she said with a little constraint. ‘But why are you so sure?’
‘Because I know you. You’d never even think of him in that way. You’re doing this for us, and we make a fabulous team. They’re dead pleased with me at work for landing such a big fish. I’m in line for a bonus, so maybe it’s time we started planning the future.’
‘The future?’
‘Our future. Pipe and slippers, all that. Hey, they’re off!’
She stared at him. ‘Dan, is that a proposal?’
‘What?’
She shouted to get his attention. ‘Is that a proposal?’
Above the din she had to lip-read his answer. ‘If you like.’
I don’t like, she thought crossly. I don’t want to be proposed to over pie and peas, by a man who’s giving half his attention to whether the favourite is going to come in at four to five.
But this was Dan, who hadn’t changed since she’d known him. He was still the same well-meaning, emotionally dense dinosaur he’d always been. It was she who had changed. What had been enough once wasn’t enough now.
He drove her home in a state of euphoria at having had four winners. He didn’t seem to notice that she hadn’t answered his proposal-such as it was. Perhaps he thought no answer was needed.
As they drew up outside the house Gina braced herself to say what she must. For this was where Dan would kiss her goodnight, and she knew that she couldn’t let him do it. She didn’t want Dan’s lips on hers, or any man’s, except-
‘The lights are on. He’s still up,’ he said. ‘Let’s get in quickly, then you slip away and make us some coffee so that I get a real chance to talk to him.’
As she let them both into the house she could just see Carson through the open door of his office. The sound of the door made him look up, and he came out into the hall. Amid the conventional remarks about a pleasant evening, Gina noticed Joey peering through the banisters at her.
‘That’s the fifth time he’s been down to see if you’re back,’ Carson said.
‘Why don’t you go and put him back to bed, darling?’ Dan said promptly.
And give Dan his chance, she thought. But there was no resisting the delight in Joey’s face, so she mounted the stairs, smiling, to receive his ecstatic, relieved welcome.
Left alone with a determined Dan, Carson bowed to the inevitable and shepherded him into the kitchen for coffee.
‘So, you had a good evening?’
‘Great time. Won a packet.’
‘And Gina?’
‘She had a couple of winners, too.’
‘I meant, did she enjoy herself?’
‘Oh, yes. That’s the great thing about Gina. Easy to please. Never makes trouble.’
‘Yes, that would be a great advantage in a woman,’ Carson said, eyeing him oddly. He had no fear that Dan would notice the tension in his voice, and he was right.
‘That’s what I say. Gina and I make a good team. In fact, I said so to her tonight, and she agreed. Well, it’s time we were settling things.’
Carson paused, his hand halfway to the coffee pot. ‘You mean-?’
‘Bound to get hitched, one day. Been on the cards for years. Never wanted anyone else. She’s a dear little thing.’
‘Yes,’ Carson murmured.
He placed two cups on the table. It gave him something to do with his hands. Then the sugar, the milk. Pour the coffee. Do something. Keep busy. Anything to hide the fact that he’d just been badly shaken up.
‘Thought I’d take her out to buy a ring. Not that I go much for that sort of fiddle-faddle, but girls seem to like it. Tomorrow evening is all right with you, is it?’
‘Perfectly all right,’ Carson said coolly.
When Gina came down she found the two men discussing business in th
e kitchen. Carson was at his most urbane, flattering Dan with attention.
‘I’m grateful to you for being understanding about Gina’s presence here. My son’s needs are so great-’
‘Poor little tyke,’ Dan said with automatic sympathy. ‘If he needs Gina, of course she must stay.’
‘Exactly,’ Carson agreed. ‘She’s trying to give Joey the kind of perfect care and understanding her own mother gave her.’
Dan gave a yelp of laughter. ‘Perfect care and understanding? Whatever gave you that idea?’
‘Well, I know she died when Gina was very young, but-’
‘And before she died she was useless. Lost interest in the poor kid after it happened. Isn’t that right, darling?’
‘I-don’t remember,’ she said unsteadily.
‘Well, I do. My mum got really mad on your behalf. Said she couldn’t understand how any mother-’
‘Excuse me,’ Gina said hurriedly, and fled the room.
She hardly knew where she was going. Tears blurred her eyes, and she felt as though she’d been slashed with knives. How could Dan have said something so insensitive, when he must realise how painful those memories were for her?
But of course, he didn’t realise. Dan never understood how anybody felt about anything.
With a huge effort she pulled herself together. Dan had followed her, puzzled and hearty.
‘What’s up, darling? Not like you to throw a wobbly.’
‘No, I’m so reliable, aren’t I?’ she said with a touch of bitterness.
‘Pardon?’
‘Nothing. I’m just tired. Thank you for a lovely evening, Dan.’
‘Wasn’t bad, was it? Better than all that fancy stuff.’
‘A plain man,’ Carson said from behind him. ‘A man after my own heart. You and I must get together some time soon and discuss that new plug you were telling me about-’
As he spoke he was guiding Dan remorselessly to the door. Dan never knew quite how he found himself outside without claiming a goodnight kiss from Gina. But before he could protest the front door was closed.
Carson returned to the kitchen, where Gina was now washing up the coffee cups.
‘Leave that,’ he told her.
‘No trouble. I like things to be tidy before I go to bed,’ she said brightly.
‘I said leave it. Let’s talk.’
‘Nothing to talk about.’
‘After that, there’s nothing to talk about?’ he demanded in outrage.
‘If you mean that I deceived you-I’m sorry.’
‘Deceived me?’
‘I suppose I rather gave the impression that my mother was perfect-and that’s how I knew what Joey needed-’
‘The hell with that! Gina, will you put those things away?’
‘Yes, I’ve finished now. I’m going to bed.’
‘Not yet. Let me pour you a brandy. You look as if you’ve had a nasty shock.’
‘I’m fine, honestly.’
He took hold of her arms. ‘Then why are you trembling?’
‘I’m not-I’m just tired-’
She would have run away but he was still holding her firmly. The feel of his hands on her bare skin was unnerving, but not as unnerving as the gentleness with which he said, ‘Tell me about it, Gina.’
‘There’s nothing to tell,’ she said desperately. ‘She’s dead. It was all a long time ago-’
He let his hands fall. ‘I see,’ he said in a hard voice.
Something in it alerted her. ‘What do you see?’
‘It’s all right for you to listen to my problems, but when I ask about yours it’s stand-off time.’
‘No, it isn’t like that-’
‘You’ve seen things about my life that I’ve shown to nobody else. It’s not nice to be kept at a distance after that. In fact, it’s pretty patronising.’
‘I’m not-’
‘I’m supposed to trust you, but you don’t trust me. I thought we were friends. If I didn’t think that I wouldn’t have confided in you as much as I have. Apparently it’s all one-way.’ He spoke sharply to conceal the hurt that had taken him by surprise.
Her voice shook. ‘There’s really nothing to tell. Nothing at all. Now I’m going to bed.’
She wrenched herself free and almost ran up the stairs to get away from him. Carson watched her go, bitterly, wondering what had come over him in the last few minutes.
Be damned to her! What right did she have to insinuate herself into Joey’s heart, then go off and marry that oaf? If that was all the taste she had…!
He poured himself a large whisky. He needed it.
The house had been transformed since she’d filled it with her laughter and warmth. And now she planned to vanish, leaving an emptiness behind that he-that Joey-would find painful. It had been bearable before she came, but it wouldn’t be bearable now. Better never to have known her than suffer like this.
He had a pile of work to do. For an hour he tried to settle to it, but she’d destroyed his concentration. Another black mark against her! The sooner she left the better. Then they would all know where they stood.
At last Carson gave up the pretence of working. His head was aching again from an evening that had been an unexpected strain. He didn’t bother to turn on the hall light, but climbed the stairs in the darkness. On the top step he nearly stumbled over something.
‘Gina, what are you doing sitting on the stairs?’
‘I don’t know.’ She gave a sniff and blew her nose. ‘I was going to come down for a drink, then I changed my mind. At least, I nearly did. Then I wasn’t sure. So I sat down while I decided. That was ten minutes ago-I think.’
‘You’re babbling,’ he said kindly.
‘Yes, I suppose I am.’
He sat down beside her. In the poor light from the landing window he could just see that she’d taken off the lovely dress and put on a cheap cotton dressing gown. It was lucky she was used to counting her blessings, he thought, in a kind of rage, because when she’d married Dan she’d be wearing cheap dressing gowns for the rest of her life.
Then she sniffed again and his rage died. ‘Have you been crying?’
‘If I said no, would you believe me?’
‘No.’
‘Then I have.’
‘Because of me? Because I was unkind to you? I’m sorry for those things I said.’
‘No, it’s not you. It’s-it’s everything.’
‘Dan, dragging your unhappy memories into the light?’
‘Mmm!’
‘He shouldn’t have done that. It was insensitive of him.’
‘Oh, Dan’s all right. He means well, but he just says the first thing that comes into his head.’
‘Even if it hurts people?’
‘Well, I suppose I’m making too much of it. It was a long time ago.’
‘But she was your mother.’
‘Yes, she was,’ Gina said huskily. ‘And I didn’t understand why she suddenly couldn’t bear to look at me. I was ill, and when I got better I was deaf, and it was like I’d changed into a different person. I kept thinking, one day I’d get it right, and she’d be pleased. Only, then she died-’
She’d been trying not to cry, but suddenly the grief of years overwhelmed her and she dropped her head and sobbed, an inconsolable child again. Carson slipped an arm around her shoulders, and felt them heave. Somewhere deep inside him he was cursing, though whether he was cursing Dan, Gina’s mother, Joey’s mother, or simply himself for being so useless to comfort her, he didn’t know. He only knew that she was unhappy, and somebody ought to be made to pay.
He drew her against him, putting his other arm around her, so that her head fitted against his shoulder, and he rested his cheek against it.
‘I’ll never get it right now,’ Gina choked. ‘My last memories of her are all of how angry she used to get because I couldn’t work out what she wanted. She used to shout at me-I couldn’t hear but I knew she was shouting by the way she tensed up-and there was
a terrible hostile look in her eyes, as though I were being stupid on purpose. If people came, she told me to stay out of sight-’
‘Dear God!’ Carson said with soft violence.
‘One day, when I was ten, she got terribly impatient. And the more impatient she was, the more I got it wrong. In the end she stormed out of the house. I felt so wicked, but I didn’t know what I’d done. I sat on the stairs, making plans about how it would be when she came back-how we’d try again, and I’d get it right this time.
‘But she never came back. She collided with a lorry and was killed outright. I thought it was my fault.’
Carson tightened his arms about her, beyond speech.
‘I haven’t remembered all this for years,’ she said at last. ‘It was there, but I wouldn’t look at it. And when my father didn’t cope very well either I suppose I balanced that by building her up in my mind. You can tell yourself all sorts of comforting lies about people who aren’t there.’
He rested his cheek against her hair. ‘Yes,’ he murmured, half to himself. ‘That’s true enough.’
Gina sighed. ‘It wasn’t really her fault. I think she was a light-hearted person who enjoyed a good time. When things didn’t turn out that way, it threw her.’
‘Thousands of mothers cope,’ Carson said, angry for her again. ‘Why must you let her off the hook?’
‘Maybe because it hurts less that way.’ She made a valiant effort to pull herself together. ‘I’m all right,’ she said huskily, dabbing her eyes. ‘I don’t know what came over me to act like that.’
‘Some wounds don’t heal,’ Carson said. ‘And if we try to pretend they have that only makes it worse, somehow.’
‘Yes,’ she whispered, thinking of the woman who had left him wounded and unable to heal.
‘You’ve been strong for Joey, and for me,’ Carson went on. ‘But who’s strong for you?’
‘There have been people who’ve helped. Mrs Braith, Dan’s mother, who taught me signing. She was kind, and he used to look after me a lot when we were children.’
Carson’s eyes hardened at the thought of Dan, her chosen husband, who would let her down again and again. He enfolded her more closely in his arms, wishing he knew what to say. But did he show up any better than the people who’d failed her? Wasn’t that failure exactly what she had recognised in him?