Her Fear

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  But now wasn’t the time to reveal that. Maybe it never would be. He’d always believed that it was a father’s job to be strong for his children, not burden them with his weaknesses.

  He pressed his palm on Monroe’s shoulder, taking comfort in the span of powerful muscles he felt, then walked back inside the hospital. No matter what was in their future, Monroe was going to be able to bear it. He was strong. Stronger than he’d ever been.

  And, maybe, so was he.

  Stephen had no idea what the sheriff or the Lord had in store for any of them next. All he did know was that both he and his son were going to be brave enough to handle whatever came their way. Because of this, they would shield the people they cared about from its ugliness.

  And if that wasn’t possible? Well, they would die trying.

  Chapter 32

  August 4

  Sadie didn’t know if she’d ever felt more trapped. “I don’t understand why you are here,” she told her father, taking care to not call him that. Weeks ago, he had forbidden it. Now? She knew he wasn’t her father at all. Not where it counted. Not in her heart.

  “I’ve been keeping my eye on you.”

  “How?” They hadn’t talked at all.

  “Your uncle has been giving me regular reports. Just because we sent you away, it didn’t mean we didn’t care about you, daughter.”

  The news disappointed her. She’d hoped that Stephen was different, but maybe it had been too much to ask. He’d taken her in as a favor to his brother. Why wouldn’t he agree to spy on her, too?

  As that realization sank in, Sadie stared at her father. He looked so gruff, so sure of himself. Demanding.

  Like everything she didn’t want to be. And with that knowledge, she realized that she no longer feared her father like she used to.

  She still loved him. At least, she thought she did, but she didn’t want anything to do with him. Not anymore.

  And why would she, anyway? He’d abandoned her. He’d valued his reputation over her well-being. Sadie knew she’d never choose to live anywhere near him ever again. As far as she was concerned, he was simply a part of her past that she needed to push away.

  But she decided to keep silent. Though she might not now have the same fear of disappointing him, it didn’t mean she felt able to knowingly set off his temper. Perhaps if she waited long enough, he would leave.

  As one minute turned into two, and eventually into six, she watched her father become increasingly uncomfortable. His brow furrowed, he opened his mouth, obviously intending to say something. Then for whatever reason, he closed his mouth again.

  But if looks could kill, Sadie knew that would have already happened. Though there was no need, she curved her hands around her belly protectively. Vowing once again to never treat her baby like this. She wanted her son or her daughter to trust her. Even if they weren’t best friends when grown, she hoped he or she would always trust her.

  After shifting restlessly again, he said, “You’re being mighty silent. Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

  “Nee.”

  He scowled. “That is no way to speak to your father.”

  “But you aren’t my father. Not anymore.”

  “Of course I am.”

  “Nee. You gave up that designation, don’t you remember?”

  “You are being ridiculous.”

  “I don’t think so. But no matter what you are to me, I’m afraid I don’t have any other way to speak to you anymore. Take it or leave it.”

  “You’ve forgotten everything I’ve taught you.”

  “Nee, I haven’t. I’m not trying to be disrespectful. I just simply don’t have the words that you are wanting to hear.”

  “I taught you to stay silent.”

  She lifted her chin. “I remember those lessons well. And just now, I was silent. But you didn’t care for that. Therefore, I’m not sure what you want.”

  His stunned expression would have been comical if she didn’t have years of memories where she had tried so hard to be everything he had wanted, but she’d still failed. Now she realized that there was nothing she could have done right in his eyes.

  It was really too bad that she had to be cast out from her family in order to see just how ugly their family dynamics really were. Now she understood why the Lord handled things the way He had. She needed to get away, but her inherent desire to please would have never allowed that to happen.

  She also realized that if she’d never left, she wouldn’t have met her Kentucky cousins. That would have been such a loss.

  And then there was Noah.

  Noah had become so dear to her. If she hadn’t met him, Sadie knew she would still be searching for love and happiness. She’d needed him to understand what love was.

  And she’d needed his—another—family to understand how a real family acted.

  Or maybe she had only to join her cousins’ family, she realized. Stephen, Willis, Monroe, and Esther were certainly not perfect. But they did their best for her.

  Even more importantly, they didn’t expect her to be perfect, either. Finally, she understood what God’s love really was. It didn’t come with conditions or favors or sacrifices. He didn’t want her to be perfect or obedient or demure. He wanted her to be the person He’d intended for her to be. Sadie. Eager, imperfect, trusting Sadie, who liked sewing but not cooking. Who liked helping others when she was able and who sometimes stayed off to the side when she was overwhelmed.

  Her father cleared his throat, bringing her back to the present.

  “When we get home, I see I’ll have to remind you again about the proper way to act.”

  She shook her head. “Nee, Daed. You won’t. Because I won’t be going back to Millersburg with you.”

  His voice softened as, for the first time, it seemed he was aware that she was nestled in a hospital bed. “But you must, Sadie. You can’t survive on your own.”

  “I’m afraid I’m going to have to.”

  “All right. I admit that we should have believed you from the start. Is that what you’ve been waiting to hear?”

  “I am glad to hear that. But that doesn’t change my decision. I’m better here.”

  “Poor and in Kentucky.”

  “That may be the case. But at least I’ll feel like I’ve got a chance. No matter what, I know I won’t be able to survive back in that farmhouse, living under all those rules and punishments. Never again. I certainly would never subject my baby to the life I had.”

  “The life you had?” he repeated. “Sadie, you had everything.”

  “I did have a lot of comforts,” she agreed. “But I also had nothing. I learned how to do chores and mind my manners and fear your wrath. I learned to accept being ignored and belittled. I learned to not expect anything from you except pain.”

  He lurched to his feet. “Don’t say any more.”

  “But of course I will. Father, don’t you understand? I finally grew up. I’m no longer only worried about pleasing you or avoiding your temper. I have responsibilities and plans. I now have my own way of doing things.”

  “You are still a child. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Well, there was her answer. No matter what she’d hoped to accomplish with him, he was letting her know that he wasn’t going to change.

  So she needed to do the changing. Pointing to the door, she said, “I want you to leave, Father.”

  His expression turned thunderous. “Nee.” Then, to her shock, he reached for her arm and gripped her tightly. And then yanked her up.

  The monitor that had been attached to her stomach was pulled away, and along with it, the reassuring beeping and whooshing that she’d been listening to went silent.

  Almost as if he had taken her lifeline away.

  Everything in her cried out as he tugged on her forearm again. “Nee! Help!” She twisted against his grip.

  And then inhaled sharply when he slapped her hard.

  “You will be silent!” he ye
lled, pulling on her arm.

  Her door opened just as she cried out again . . . and she heard a bone snap. “My arm!”

  Her father turned sharply, held his hands up, saying, “I did nothing,” as he became aware of the presence of a witness.

  Pain was shooting through her arm, but it was nothing compared to the sudden cramping that started again in her belly. “Help me!” she called to the nurse.

  “Oh my heavens!” the nurse said around a gasp before calling out down the hall. “Assistance! Code four!”

  More people rushed in. Including Noah.

  “Sadie,” Noah called out as he tore across the room. She could practically feel heat from his glare as he took account of everything that was happening. “Call for security,” he ordered another of the nurses as he positioned himself between Sadie and her father.

  “Noah, be careful,” she whispered.

  Noah simply stood in front of her like a stone wall and spoke to her father. “You need to step back and calm down, Mr. Detweiler. You are causing a scene and hurting Sadie.”

  Instead of complying, her father just looked even more wild-eyed. “Get away from her.”

  “That ain’t going to happen,” Noah said as he edged closer. “I’m not going to leave her. Not now, not ever.”

  “Father, please listen to him,” Sadie cried. “Noah is a good man. He—”

  “You are ordering me about?” he roared.

  Looking as if he had completely lost all control, Sadie watched in terror as he lunged forward, obviously meaning to strike her. Crying out, she shrank back, wishing she was brave enough to fight him, but a lifetime of his abuse had left a mark on her.

  She could hardly stop shaking, let alone fend him off.

  Besides, she had her baby to take care of.

  Just in time, Noah gripped her father’s arm and held it off to the side. Her father wheezed in pain, but Noah’s face remained immobile. “You will not touch her again,” he stated firmly. “Not ever again.”

  Sadie was crying in earnest now. All of it was just so horrible. Esther’s collapse, the knowledge that it was her relatives who had been poisoning the community. Now her father was attempting to harm her yet again.

  When was it ever going to end?

  Her father groaned again and suddenly shrunk back, as if all the fight had just left his body. Then he turned in alarm as two security guards strode in. It was as if their sudden appearance finally filtered through his angry haze. He froze.

  “What have I done?” he asked. “Sadie, you must talk to them. Tell them—”

  “Nee, Father,” she said. She couldn’t bear to listen to anything he had to say.

  “Please escort this man from the premises,” Sadie’s nurse said crisply.

  The security team grabbed her father’s arms. He didn’t put up a fight. Instead, he simply stood there, looking around at each of them with a confused expression.

  “Hold on,” Noah said. “Sadie, do you want to press charges? He hurt you.”

  “Nee. He just needs to go.” He had hurt her, but vengeance wasn’t going to make anything better or change how things were between them. All she wanted was for him to leave her in peace.

  “You heard Sadie,” Noah said, still not looking away from her. “Get him out of here.” After the guards left, another nurse approached Sadie’s opposite side.

  “My stars! Let’s get you settled and put back to rights.”

  “Nee, first I think you’d better find a doctor . . . Karen,” Noah said to the nurse. “I’m fairly sure her wrist is broken.”

  After glancing at Sadie’s wrist, the nurse scurried out. As she opened the door, a cacophony of voices creeped into the room. It was obvious that her father’s presence had created quite a bit of commotion.

  Noah got up and closed the door firmly before sitting on the bed right beside her. Thankful for his reassuring comfort, Sadie collapsed against him. Noah murmured soothing words as he curved an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into a hug.

  Sadie closed her eyes, exhaled, and allowed herself to find comfort in his arms. Yes, she was in pain, and her future was definitely uncertain, but she was so relieved that she had Noah to hold on to at that moment.

  From the comfort of Noah’s arms, she felt as if she were peering at everything through a veil of fabric. Then the reality of what had just happened hit her hard and she began to panic.

  Her heart began to beat erratically. She felt out of breath, as if she’d been running a long distance. But more disturbing was the way her head was pounding. Every word her father had said was repeating in her brain, and she felt like she was going to be reliving that moment, when he’d twisted and ultimately broken her wrist, for days if not longer.

  Needing to calm down, she gazed at the completely silent baby monitor. She needed to see and hear its reassuring cadence, and tugged on Noah’s sleeve.

  “Hmm?” he asked, brushing a kiss on her brow.

  “Noah, can you turn the monitor back on? I need to see the baby.”

  He shifted to see where she was pointing. “Ah. Of course.” He got to his feet. Then, as if he’d done the very same thing dozens of times before, he found the sticky pads that had been affixed to her skin, checked the cords they were attached to, and straightened the sheet over her lap as he lifted, with a tender expression, Sadie’s gown so that her protruding belly was showing. He carefully placed the connectors on her skin and checked the monitor display.

  Seconds later the reassuring pulse was back on the screen.

  Sadie leaned back in bed—“She’s okay . . .” The babe was fine.

  Blue eyes brightened. “The doctors found out that you’re going to have a girl?”

  “I don’t know for certain. I just feel like I am.”

  “You can ask the doctors if you want,” he said with a smile.

  It was another reminder that what was happening was her business and her decision. She could decide whether she wanted to find out the sex of the baby. Not Harlan. Not her parents, not even the doctors and nurses. “Maybe I will ask them,” she said.

  As she was settling against the pillows with an exhausted sigh, Noah leaned closer. “Any minute now they’re going to wheel you out and work on your arm. You’ll feel better soon.”

  Belatedly, she realized that they already had put some kind of mild sedative in her IV. “Okay,” she said, feeling drowsy.

  Noah was still staring at her intently. “Sadie, before I have to leave you, listen for a moment. Please?”

  She nodded as he leaned in even closer. Taking comfort in his clean, fresh smell. In the goodness that seemed to encompass every part of him.

  “I know you are hurting and upset,” Noah said, “but things are going to get better.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  He pulled back ever so slightly so she could see the entirety of his expression.

  “Because I’m going to make sure of it.”

  He sounded so calm. So certain. As if he wasn’t bothered or worried about anyone around them or anything that had just happened.

  And because of that, and because she needed to believe in somebody, she bowed forward and relaxed against him.

  And found peace at last.

  Chapter 33

  August 6

  Two days later, Sadie was relaxing on the sofa in the Freemans’ living room. Her arm was in a cast. She’d been ordered to rest and take it easy for at least the next week.

  Noah and his parents had been talking about her moving in. Now they were clear, deciding, along with the doctors’ concerns, that she needed to move in with them.

  Sadie couldn’t find any fault with that. The truth was, she loved being at Rebecca and Hank Freeman’s home. Their home was lively and full of laughter. She didn’t feel alone, either. In fact, she had never felt so supported. Rebecca seemed to take Sadie’s continued well-being as a challenge—a challenge that she was determined to meet easily.

  Then there was the added bonus
of living next to Noah and his brother Silas. Each evening so far, when he got off work, Noah came over and sat with her. He held her hand and told her stories about his days.

  Sadie was also doing some planning. With Rebecca’s help, she wrote some lists about things she could make for babies once her wrist healed. Tiny soft sleeping gowns, warm knit onesies for when babies were crawling. Blankets and tiny quilts made out of flannel and other soft materials.

  That morning, she’d even tried, rather clumsily, being in a cast, to begin a simple crochet project. It was a tiny hat for a newborn. When she felt better and it was finished, Sadie decided she’d take it to an English doctor’s office. Maybe someone there would like it enough to allow her in the future to display a few items in the office.

  Of course, she didn’t know if these dreams would ever come to fruition. But it did give her a lot of joy to think about making something that was pretty and useful.

  Getting paid for the items would make her feel good, too. She might never get rich making her crafts, but she felt above all that she could have some control over her future, even if in a small way. She was thankful for that.

  Noah came over to fill her in on his work night when there was a knock at his parents’ door.

  He got up and answered it.

  Sadie only half paid attention to the visitor from her spot on the couch. She’d learned quickly that the Freeman family was very popular. They had visits from the kinner, their cousins, and all of their friends. No one had seemed surprised to meet her, or to discover that she was now living with them.

  In fact, some had even acted as if they were surprised it had taken her so long to move there.

  All that was why she tried to give Noah the privacy he needed to greet the arrivals. No doubt it was someone his family knew well, and she most likely didn’t know at all.

  “Excuse me?” he blurted.

  Surprised by his abrupt tone of voice, she glanced over at him again. She couldn’t see who he was talking to, but she realized immediately that it must have been someone he was uncomfortable with, because his posture changed from relaxed to tense.