by Adam Carolla
But while I’m still down for a drone strike on the moving targets that are these joggers, I have a better solution that can make some money for my administration. My government will produce and sell a line of holiday jogging apparel that looks like street clothes—sweatpants that look like jeans and running shoes that look loafers. That way, as you jog by on a holiday, you’re not shaming us. The only caveat is that at the time of purchase you must agree that every two hundred feet you’ll shout out your dog’s name. As you’re chugging along you have to call out “Scrappy!!! Come here, Scrappy!!!” That way, if I’m holding my sixth beer in one hand and a pulled pork sandwich in the other and I see you jogging by, instead of thinking about my impending coronary, I’m thinking, “Look at that poor son of a bitch. He lost his dog. Wait till those Fourth of July fireworks start. The dog’s gonna freak out and he’ll never see it again.” The outfit will even come with a severed leash. This would work, right? It’s genius. Or rather JEAN-ius.
I love predator drones. I’d like to decorate them like we did with the P-51s in WWII. We should put pictures of pinups on them just to further piss off the radical fundamentalist Islamic zealots who are being lit up in their SUV convoys. I also like the irony that the deity they pray to five times a day does nothing, but our unmanned eye in the sky is raining fire down on them. It’s like a vengeful God that’s assembled in Palmdale, California.
Beyond my list of targets, I don’t have a ton of notes for the Department of Homeland Security.
Keep on keeping on. That department just needs a good manager to gather all the information, analyze it, delegate tasks, and be prepared for some long days and unexpected shit-hitting-fan action. That’s why, as my Secretary of Homeland Security, I nominate Patriots coach Bill Belichick. He’s clearly a good manager, can think on his feet, and has experience secretly taping and analyzing his enemy’s patterns.
I could have gone with any NFL coach, by the way. Think about how much better football coaches are at their job than politicians. They study. There’s a lot of sleeping in the office after watching hours of game film. Unlike the president, once the season starts you won’t find these guys anywhere near a golf course. They’re exquisitely driven and have to be the best because they’re competing with the best. If a coach goes four-and-twelve, he’s out. Then you have politicians who get up there and say, “At the end of the day there are a lot of hardworking people who are looking for jobs.” Meanwhile the only jobs they’re creating are for themselves. They’re just campaigning all the time. Coaches keep their jobs by being good at them, not by spending all their time telling everyone they’re going to be good at them. Coaches get reelected because they get results, not because they promise results. I don’t care how many playoff or Super Bowl appearances you’ve made, you’re always a back-to-back six-and-ten season from being shit-canned.
Ultimately I’m not that worried about terrorism. I think we can handle it.
I want to explain something to all the wannabe terrorists reading this. We don’t hail from a piece-of-shit nation like you do, where if you blow up one outhouse the whole country ain’t right for the next five years. You think we think like you think. But we don’t. We’re too big and too powerful. You cannot fuck us up. We’re better than you, we have backup plans. Take down the towers and we’re up and running the next week. It’s not like our credit cards didn’t work on 9/12.
We don’t pray to Allah five times a day, we go to fucking work. We have brains and we have books. We don’t commit honor killings or throw acid on girls for learning to read. We have a civil society and thus an infrastructure that can handle your shit.
So try taking out the new Freedom Tower at Ground Zero. We’ll build another one. And in the meantime we’ll be fueling up the predator drones.
VOTER ID LAWS
I’m constantly accused of being a racist. One of the reasons is because I am. Also I’m completely for so-called voter suppression. I don’t think asking someone to produce a valid ID at the polls is a hate crime. I understand that yes, there are going to be more minorities who can’t produce ID, and yes, the people pushing this rule are always Republicans trying to keep people who aren’t voting for them away, but these motives aside, it’s still a good idea. I’m not into “big government” but I do think, post-9/11, anyone should be able to produce a government-issued photo ID when requested. This is compulsory. This is the bare minimum. Whether you’re driving a Maserati or a tractor, if you get pulled over you need to show it to the cop. What can you do without an ID nowadays? Not much. You can’t get a credit card, you can’t get through airport security, and you can’t check a book out of the fucking library. Why should you be able to vote?
And who’s the racist here? No one said all black people need to have ID. It’s not a racial issue. The people making it a racial issue are the ones who are saying or, more accurately, thinking but not having the balls to say about those who don’t have ID, “They’re not up to the challenge of securing an ID. They’re not capable of completing the simple task the rest of us accomplished as teenagers.” Good job, asswipes. Way to help them feel helpless. Why not demand something from people and have them rise to the occasion? I don’t think standing in line at the DMV for an hour and getting your picture taken is too tall an order. Whether you’re black, white, Hispanic, or Asian, I think that if you can’t get it together to obtain photo ID, we don’t need your vote. Your ID doesn’t matter, it’s your IQ I’m worried about.
I’ll take it a step further. As president, I’m directing the Federal Election Commission to require not only ID at the polls, but also a recent pay stub. If you’re on welfare, you’re not contributing to the economy. So why should you get to vote? You’re just going to vote to get more free shit anyway.
But while I want all voters to have ID, I don’t want the candidates to be identified. From now on, all voting will be blind voting. When you step in the voting booth you’ll just see a list of positions on issues. No names, party affiliations, or pictures. We do way too much voting based on “he looks like me” and “her last name sounds like mine” in this country.
In the greatest example of balls/sociopathic behavior from a politician ever, former L.A. mayor Antonio Villaraigosa chastised the Republicans during the 2012 election, saying, “You can’t just trot out a brown face or a Spanish surname and expect people are going to vote for your party or your candidate.” This is a man who was referred to as Tony Villar all the way through junior high, high school, and during his time at an unaccredited law school where he failed the bar four times before giving up. He then combined his name with his wife’s to become Antonio Villaraigosa and was quickly elected mayor of a heavily Hispanic city. The idea that just because someone’s grandparents were from the same fucked-up part of the world as your grandparents and should thus know exactly what you need and will force the government to provide it for you is narcissism of the highest order. It all smacks of a big “Fuck all those people with other ancestry, fuck the melting pot, fuck the idea that we’re all in this together. What about ME? Gimme gimme gimme.”
And when it comes to voting for your own, Mexicans, my question is this: How’s that working out for you? I’ve taken a look south of the border. Mexico is a piece of shit. It’s the fucked-up hellhole you fled from. The people in charge there sure look a lot like you and have similar last names. So what is your fucking logic? Let’s keep that party rolling here in the States? You’re only in this country because you voted for your own and your own were crooked leaders in the pockets of the drug cartel, so you decided to get the hell out of there. President Carolla won’t pander to get the Italian vote. You aren’t going to hear me promising a Fiat in every garage and chicken Parmesan in every pot.
This “vote for someone like me” bullshit extends beyond race. I loved when Barbara Walters had the ovaries to ask Chris Christie about his weight, and if he thought it might affect his chances of being elected. I actually think it would help. Fat is the ultimate race he
re in America. There are fat honkies, fat brothers, fat Jews, fat Mexicans. We’re a morbidly obese rainbow. I think Chris Christie would get elected in a second, if I wasn’t running. That being said, there would have to be some institutional changes. We’d have to make it the Circle Office instead of the Oval. Ovals are too narrow for his girth. And we’d have to scrap the current 747 we use for Air Force One and convert a C130 cargo transport. I’d love to see President Christie waddle down that giant back door.
The one place this comes into play is with women. We talked a good game when Hillary was running and Sarah Palin was involved. But we’ve all seen enough episodes of The Bachelor to know chicks are too competitive to vote for one of their own.
6
MY ADDRESS TO THE UN
The following is a transcript from President Carolla’s first address to the UN General Assembly in New York.
PRESIDENT CAROLLA: Mr. President, Mr. Secretary-General, fellow delegates, ladies and gentlemen. Each year the nations of the world come together in this assembly hall to recommit to a vision of peace, stability, and partnership for a more harmonious globe.
And so far, you’ve sucked at it. The world continues to be as fucked up as it ever was. Good job, assholes. So I stand before you not as the president of the United States but as a parent, coach, and drill sergeant. Get your shit together.
(MURMURS FROM ASSEMBLY)
I’m starting with you, Middle East. First, let me make one thing clear. It’s not your people. The inhabitants of the Middle East are hardworking and family-minded just like you and me. The problem is your leaders. Who evidently are imported from countries where everyone’s an asshole. I hope my sarcasm is translating. Whenever someone tries to pull that “it’s not the people, it’s the government” bullshit, ask them what country the fucking government’s from? What part of Norway did Iran’s leaders come from? How good can the people be if they elect or don’t rise up against these corrupt dickheads?
It’s said you can judge a nation by how they treat their prisoners, but who gives a shit about prisoners? I say you can judge a nation by how they treat their bitches . . . I mean women. The more evolved you are as a nation, a culture, or a man, the better you treat the ladies. Here’s how it works. The average man weighs fifty pounds more than the average woman and would win in a fistfight. You guys use the same logic a bully uses on a weakling—might makes right. Us evolved nations realize that just because we could kick the shit out of our wife or a neighboring country—are you listening, Mexico?—doesn’t mean we do it. Every country in your region is a misogynist nation and thus a bully nation. And the only thing bully nations understand is carpet bombing. The other way you can spot your misogynist nation is that all the men have huge, woolly beards. You all look like Rick Ruben minus the cool sunglasses. Chicks hate these, but who gives a shit about the chicks? Right. That’s a tell. The bigger the beard, the shittier the nation.
Another way we can tell you’re dicks is how you treat your dogs. A dog in America has a better life than any person in the Middle East. And a dog in L.A. has a better life than any person in Detroit. We have an entirely different attitude toward dogs. It’s part of the bully mentality that permeates your region. This animal, like a woman, is smaller and weaker, so you can kick it with impunity. Bad day herding goats? Kick the dog. Blow off a finger building an IED? Kick the dog. Camel broke down in traffic? Kick the dog. You also have a lot of canine-related insults in your culture, “You are a dog,” “Your mother lies down with dogs,” etc. In my country, if someone is “your dog,” that means you like them. Randy Jackson uses the word “dog” as a compliment in every third sentence. Allow me to give you Middle East dictators a lesson on how to insult Americans. You use a lot of “imperialist” this and “Zionist” that. Just go with “douchebag,” it’ll be a lot more effective.
Take guys like Gaddafi. Wouldn’t a group of completely sane and rational people rise up against an asshole like Gaddafi if they didn’t kind of agree with him? How did that crackpot stay in power so long? Eventually enough sane people finally rose up, killed that guy, and dragged his bloated beaten corpse through the streets. The photos and video were all over the Internet. I didn’t check them out, though. He was hard enough to look at when he was alive. He looked like Fergie and Manny Pacquiáo had a kid, raised him in a fruit-drying machine, and then dressed him in Jermaine Jackson’s wardrobe.
And by the way, when you depose a dictator, you really don’t need to take to the streets chanting and dragging the remains of your fallen leader. We abandoned that a few centuries ago. We have these things called elections and courts to get rid of our corrupt and incompetent leaders. You ought to give those a shot. Let’s take a look at the ratio of bodies dragged through the streets to space programs. How many carcasses have you dragged through the streets vs. satellites sent into orbit? When you’re jumping up and down and swatting at a body with sandals, that’s never good. Think about it, we see all this footage because you capture it with a cell phone that was designed and made in a country that spends a lot less time dragging bodies through the streets. Next time you’re considering a cadaver parade, just ask yourself, “What would Switzerland do?” I enjoyed the news reports saying the Libyans poured into the streets to celebrate Gaddafi’s death. I’m pretty sure you were already there. It’s not like you were pouring out of your luxury condominiums. I feel like you’re always on the streets. Generally, that’s a bad sign for a country. Whether it’s the kids selling Chiclets in Tijuana or the Turkish bazaar where you haggle over the price of some goat meat, the more stuff that is sold on the street the worse the country.
I know what you’re thinking. We did take to the streets when Seal Team Six put a bullet in your beloved bin Laden. But that was only fair. That was our time to take to the streets. Not counting the blacks when O.J. went free. We had to watch you burning American flags when the towers fell or some hostage was taken or a Blackhawk was downed. So fuck off. And by the way, all those flags you love burning are made in China, so go nuts.
And let me address the pervasive idea that chanting “USA! USA!” when we smoked bin Laden only served to inflame you and was a recruitment tool for making more terrorists. Fine by me if that’s the case. If we create more terrorists, then we just need to make more drones to kill them. It’s a great business model.
You came pre-inflamed because of your retarded religious beliefs. No amount of ass kissing from the West is going to convince a poor eighteen-year-old Middle Eastern male that life wouldn’t be better if he strapped on a suicide vest, blew up a pizza parlor, and went to paradise for his seventy-two virgins. I’d like to undercut that motivation a little bit, not by convincing you that America isn’t the Great Satan but by pointing out that those seventy-two virgins aren’t going to last you through eternity in paradise. When I was twenty-one, seventy-two virgins wouldn’t have lasted me two months. And then you have to think about whether or not they stay virgins. You’d have to make the first one the whore and use her for eight years before moving on to the next one. Eternity is a long time, brothers.
Plus it’s not like all seventy-two die of natural causes. You’ve got to imagine there are some horrible burn victims in there. And a fair amount of virgins are that way because no one wants to fuck them. You could end up with someone who looks like Susan Boyle; a fifty-two-year-old virgin spinster who died when one of her seventeen cats knocked a curling iron into her bath.
I’m just sick of America having to get out of its La-Z-Boy and police your shit. So I make this declaration now. We’re out. Spiral into nuclear war, I don’t give a damn.
And the rest of you normal nations, it’s your fault. It’s like we’re all out to dinner, everyone is ordering surf, turf, and surf again but we always pick up the tab. I wish the rest of you would fucking step up. We need an alliance of sane countries. These guys have a lot of big talk about Allah’s swift sword on our neck, but we have the power, the industrial might, and the technology. America has to be t
he world’s police because these guys are nuts. I just wish we had a partner. We need the Danny Glover to our Mel Gibson.
Seriously, when are you going to knock it the fuck off? You guys are always fighting with your neighbors. It’s pathetic. I’ll watch an old episode of Saturday Night Live from 1975 and hear Chevy Chase start “Weekend Update” with “Trouble in the Middle East.” Nothing ever changes. Is it the heat? Canada never starts shit with us. Is it because they’re cold? The molecules in ice move slower than the ones in steam, right? It’s the same thing with you assholes. You live in the world’s largest sand trap in the world’s worst golf course. It’s hot, there’s no water. Maybe if you moved to a colder climate you’ll literally chill out.
And to all the assholes, American or otherwise, who talk about Iran and nuclear weapons and say, “Why can America have nukes but they can’t?” Because we’re not insane. We don’t want to wipe Israel off the map. We’re not into genocide. And by the way, when it comes to that, it isn’t genocide. It’s jealous-cide. The Jews are so much better than you. That’s why every couple hundred years someone attempts to round them up and kill them. You envy them. Jews work together, they draft each other like a great NASCAR team.
(CONFUSED LOOKS FROM ASSEMBLY AND SPORADIC WHISPERS OF “WHAT IS THIS NASCAR?”)
You’re all out shooting each other and fighting over which version of the bullshit you believe about Muhammad is true. Meanwhile the Jews are building universities, hospitals, and satellites.