by Marian Tee
“Please.” The word came out a sob. “Oh God, please.”
“Please what?” the billionaire panted out.
“You know.” Her nails dug into his back. “Oh Jaak, please---” She ended up gasping as the billionaire began shoving his cock into her in wildly furious strokes, and heat curled and tightened into a ball inside her body. With each stroke, the ball of heat inside of her began to stretch and expand---
“Oh God, Jaak.” She could barely breathe, could barely think---
The billionaire’s fingers dug into her ass just as he angled his cock to thrust all the way down, its head brushing the edge of her womb---
Heat exploded into mind-numbing pleasure, and she screamed, her body arching against his.
A second later, and the billionaire growled, and his thrusts became completely uncontrollable.
And she loved it.
Even as wave after wave of pleasure struck her body, she couldn’t stop meeting his thrusts with similar abandon, her nails clawing his back as her hips rocked against his every thrust with clumsy desperation.
The most terrifying need to say the words swept over her, but she managed to keep them down, her teeth sinking hard into her lower lip.
Not yet.
Not yet.
And as the pleasure started to fade, and as her body gradually stopped trembling, Ilse wrapped her arms around his neck tightly, thinking painfully, Not just yet.
Because she knew, even without him saying a word, that he didn’t want her to need him just yet.
Time waltzed past them ever so slowly, their mingled breaths steadying and their heartbeats evening out. When the billionaire’s weight pressed down on her, her arms around his neck tightened.
She could sense him waiting for her to speak, could sense him waiting for the recriminations to start, and she almost, almost laughed. How blind the billionaire was, not to have realized that regrets were impossible for the two of them.
“Jaak…”
The billionaire stilled.
“This is exactly what I wanted, and it’s…” Her voice caught. “It’s more beautiful than I ever let myself hope for.”
Ah. His own arms tightened around her. “I hope you still mean that,” he whispered into her ear, “once you realize that we’re under CCTV surveillance.”
Ilse stiffened under him.
“I’m joking.”
“Oh my God, you jackass.” She punched his shoulder hard even as a relieved laugh escaped her. She started to speak, but then he kissed her forehead, and the feather-soft touch of his lips spoke a multitude of words.
I love you…even if…
“Oh, Jaak.” She raised her eyes to his, willing him to see his reflection in her gaze. Oh, how she wished she could give him her eyes so he would know how she and his family saw him.
“You mean so much to so many people, Jaak…” She chose her words carefully, a part of her terrified that she would say too much, and she would end up making him walk away from her again.
But the billionaire only looked at her, quietly, his handsome face unreadable.
“M-more than you think possible, and it won’t ever change so…” She swallowed hard at his continued silence. “Just don’t disappear on us.”
He saw terror flash in her eyes as she spoke, and a sharp pain seized the billionaire’s chest, his heart hearing what she truly wanted to say.
Don’t disappear on me.
He knew she was thinking about how despite loving his family, he had managed to turn his back on them.
He knew she was thinking he could do the same to her, too, eventually.
And he knew there was only one way to make the terror go away.
“Ilse.” Her gaze lifted to his, and he said softly, “Come live with me.”
Chapter 17
Since the billionaire had only lived in hotel suites and rented apartments over the past ten years, he had feared that looking for a house to buy would make him feel suffocated. But just as it was with all things that involved Ilse, the process turned out to be the opposite of what he expected. House hunting turned out to be as easy as it was exciting, with the billionaire feeling a strange desire to finally put some roots down.
Every night, he would find himself watching Ilse sleep, and these were the moments he would allow his greatest fears to crawl into his heart. What if she needed him, and he failed her? Should he leave her before that happened? Should he disappear before he ended up hurting her even more?
But then she would wake up, and he would see in her sleepy brown eyes that he had nothing to worry about.
He could love her. He could need her. He could trust her.
Because Ilse was Ilse, and she was strong enough not to need him.
It only took a week for Ilse and the billionaire to come to an agreement over what would be the perfect house for them: an 18th century historic mansion that offered canal views, a fountained garden bordered by tall ivy-covered hedges, and a central location in Mokkum.
On their initial visit, it had been obvious to the billionaire that Ilse had fallen in love with the place at first sight, and when he had murmured huskily in his very best Queen’s English voice, “The rooms were lofty and handsome, and their furniture suitable to the fortune of their proprietor---”
Ilse had spun around to face him, so fast she had almost lost her balance, and the sight of the stars in her eyes had made him laugh.
And then she had breathed, “Pemberley,” and the billionaire laughed harder. She was looking at him like he was a god, something he knew she would probably regret later on, and the thought was both amusing and arousing because there were few things that looked lovelier than an irritated Ilse.
It had him closing the deal on the spot, and after getting rid of the real estate agent, he had Ilse in his arms and he was kissing her hard.
“Mmph!”
Then he had her turn around, her breasts flat against the wall, her skirt up to her waist, her panties falling around her ankles.
“Oh my God---aaaah!”
Entering her from behind, he had pounded into her while playing with her clit, and when she began to cry out, the erotic sound had spurred him to move faster while rubbing her clit furiously.
The sex had been fast and furious, and afterwards he had whispered wickedly to her, “Let’s christen the rest of the house.”
An outrageous suggestion, but they had actually managed to accomplish it in just one week.
It was a milestone that the billionaire arrogantly took in stride, but it was one that had Ilse wanting to hang her head in shame. She had never imagined she would be the kind of girl to be so governed by sexual passion, but the billionaire had proven to her she was exactly like that, with her body ready to accept his cock with just one heated look from his brilliant blue eyes.
And that was just one of her many problems.
Jan had adjusted to their now-pampered lifestyle with ease, and it was as it should be. But for Ilse to have it similarly easy was wrong, and every day was a constant struggle to make herself remember that she mustn’t let herself get used to such luxuries.
The new life the billionaire had given her and Jan reminded Ilse too much of their old lives, and it terrified her, so much so that she found herself doing the opposite of what she wanted. Instead, Ilse forced herself to do what she believed she needed to do.
Continuing to put off her studies was one of them, never mind if it broke her heart to do so.
Every day, she would pray that she would not be weak again. Every day, she lived with the quiet fear that life was so good – too, too good, just like how it had been when her parents were alive.
But even as terror continued to eat at her, neither could Ilse help thanking God every day. She had always thanked Him for Jan, and now, she had another reason to thank Him for, and that was Jaak.
Life might not be perfect, and even when there were still words that had to be said, life was still unbelievably good, and she told herself there was
no need to hurry.
She had all the time in the world to make Jaak realize how extraordinary he was.
All the time in the world.
But she was wrong.
It was on Christmas Eve when everything fell apart in an instant. A drunk driver, a rainy night, and an unconscious, bleeding woman falling out of the backseat of the limousine that had crashed into the trees lining the sidewalk because of the collision: all the elements were there for a perfect whodunit mystery. It would have made a good story…if only it wasn’t reality, and reality didn’t have a way of turning bad to worse.
For three nights, the billionaire and Ilse’s brother kept a bedside vigil while Ilse remained pale and unconscious on the hospital bed. Perhaps if he had been given to wreak vengeance, the billionaire would’ve felt just a bit better. But that opportunity was lost to him forever. The driver of the other car had died on the spot, and a part of the billionaire wanted to rage at the injustice.
Death was too kind for such a man, so why the fuck did God let that man’s suffering end so quickly while Ilse lay trapped in a coma, a cage that could stay keyless for the rest of her life?
A week went by, and the billionaire ceased to care about anything and everything. His mind was completely consumed by the need to pray for just one damn thing.
That Ilse would wake up.
Let Ilse wake up, and everything would be okay again.
Let Ilse wake up, and the worst would be over.
But he was wrong.
On the eighth day of her confinement, Ilse’s eyes fluttered open, and an excruciating sense of joy gripped the billionaire at the sight of Ilse coming to life.
“Jaak?”
“I’m here, babe.”
Her head slowly turned towards him. “Jaak?”
He gripped her hand tightly. “I’m here, babe.”
Her eyes blinked. And blinked and blinked.
“Jaak.” Her voice broke. “I can’t see you.”
And that was when he realized that God had only traded one cage for another. That was when he realized he had been fooling himself all along, thinking he would never have to choose between keeping Ilse…and letting her go, before he failed her.
“Jaak?”
His hand tightened around her, but the moment her fingers started clutching his just as tightly, he had the wildest urge to pull away.
Why, God?
Why?
Ilse wasn’t supposed to fucking need anyone this way.
“Jaak,” she whispered brokenly. “Say something, please.”
But he couldn’t say a fucking word.
Even knowing she was waiting for him to speak---
Even knowing she needed him to speak---
Terror consumed him at the thought of how much she would need him, and how he was fucking guaranteed to fail her…just like the way he had failed Willem.
“Jaak. Please.”
Beautiful, strong, kind Ilse.
Why did this have to happen to her?
Why not him?
Why was it never him?
Why did it always have to be his loved ones that ended up hurt and never fucking him?
Chapter 18
Ilse had never thought to wonder what life would be like if she couldn’t see. It just wasn’t a possibility, and even in the times her life had hit rock bottom, the worst thing that she had allowed herself to imagine was that she would die, and no one would look after Jan.
But now that it had happened, Ilse realized that death would have been a mercy.
Jan already had Jaak, and she knew the billionaire would continue to look after her brother even when she was gone.
Death didn’t scare her, but this – this world of darkness that she was now imprisoned in – terrified her, and every second living in it was a desperate, painful struggle. In a world where she would never see the sun rise or set, time had lost all meaning, and she became alone and immortal.
The years might continue to pass her by, but in her mind she would always be twenty-three because it was all she knew.
She could be in a room full of people, and it would be like being haunted by the living. She might hear them, feel them, but because she couldn’t see them, they were nothing but ghosts to her---
And the billionaire was no different.
With every day that passed, Ilse could feel him drifting further and further away from her, and she just didn’t know what to do.
Stay with me. This was what she wanted to say, but how could she let the words out when she knew it wasn’t what he wanted to hear?
That was the funny thing about being blind. It might have taken away her sight, but it had also cursed Ilse with more insight than she wanted. It might have killed her eyes, but it had made her heart beat again, and now there was no hiding from the truth.
She loved him.
She loved Jaak.
She would love him forever, but how could she chain him to her, knowing that she was no longer what he wanted?
Jaak de Konigh wanted a woman who was strong, a woman who would not need him.
And she was no longer either of those.
Christmas and New Year came and went, the holidays allowing Ilse to continue burying her head under the sand. With Ilse’s friends from Glory Hall and an army of de Konigh relatives visiting frequently, there was no chance for them to talk, and that was how she liked it.
When the doctor suggested that she undergo a series of tests, Ilse had quickly agreed. She knew she was delaying the inevitable, but she didn’t care. The cowardly, secret part of her was willing to do almost anything to stay hospitalized forever.
At least here, she didn’t need to leave. At least here, she could pretend she was receiving treatment that would eventually make her see. At least here, she could pretend everything was still okay between her and the billionaire.
It was almost mid-January when she was finally discharged, and despite Ilse’s insistence that she could manage on her own, the billionaire had still showed up to accompany her on the ride home.
“We can leave anytime we’re ready.”
“I’m definitely ready.”
The words rolled past their lips with ease, and she hated every one of them. It sounded so damn fake, and hadn’t she been the one to promise herself that she would never lie or pretend again?
Ilse sensed the billionaire starting to move, and she managed to keep her smile in place even as she strained her ears for his footsteps.
Where are you? Make noise. Let me know you’re still here.
When fingers suddenly reached for her hand, she couldn’t help jerking, and it was like life laughing at her face, telling herself that no matter how she wished otherwise, she had already become what she most feared.
She was weak…and there was nothing she could do about it.
“I’m sorry.” The billionaire swiftly withdrew his fingers as he spoke. “I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
His grim tone made Ilse want to curse herself, and she said in a rush, “You don’t have to be sorry, and you didn’t frighten me. I’m just not used to…”
Being blind.
But she caught herself in time. “Anyway...” She forced a laugh. “I just need to be more sensitive or something.”
Silence.
“I’m going to reach for you now…”
She nodded.
So relax, Ilse. Relax. Please relax so he wouldn’t think you need him any more than you already do.
A moment later, and she felt his touch, fingers once again twining with hers. Another moment, and he was pulling her carefully to her feet. “Shall we go?”
“Okay.”
As he led her out, the painful realization that it might always be like this between them struck her---
Would they never be able to walk beside each other?
She managed to keep herself from stumbling, managed to keep the fake smile on her lips as she sensed the billionaire’s gaze on hers.
I’m okay, she told he
rself.
I’m okay. She told herself this repeatedly even as terror closed her throat and breathing once again became a quiet, desperate struggle.
“We’re getting out now.”
“We’re getting inside the car.”
“We’re getting out.”
Ilse knew the billionaire was doing his best, but even so, every word just made it harder and harder for her to breathe. He was acting like he already knew she needed him, and she didn’t know what to do.
As the silence between them continued to ripple with painful tension, she strove to fill it, asking with determined cheer, “Where’s Jan?”
“Just a few steps away. He’s waiting for you by the front door.”
A faint flowery fragrance reached her as they continued to take baby steps towards the house, and Ilse tried to familiarize herself with the scent, knowing that it was coming from their own garden. Scent was a sign of life, and she needed all of these signs to remember that she was alive even when her world felt dead.
“We’re here.” She stilled, and the billionaire’s hands settled on her shoulders as he turned her slightly to the left.
“Welcome back, Ilse!”
Jan’s familiar voice was another sign of life, and her lips curved in a genuine smile. “Jan. I missed you, Jan.” She raised her hand to reach for his face, and he started to laugh when she almost ended up shoving her fingers up his nostrils.
Her smile widened even as she pinched his chubby cheeks. “Stop laughing.”
Jan began to talk, and she breathed a sigh of relief even as she hated herself for wanting the lies and pretenses to continue.
When they made it to the living room, with Ilse seating herself on the couch while Jan paused for breath, the billionaire murmured, “Will you be okay if I leave you with Jan for a moment?”
No. We both know I’m not okay. We both know we’re not okay.
But because she was weak, she only made herself smile again. “Of course.” Her tone was light and teasing, and it was an even bigger lie. “How many times do I have to tell you? My world doesn’t revolve around you, mijnheer.” And while this used to be the truth, it was now the biggest lie of all.