by Lesley Crewe
“Dramatic?” Maryette volunteered.
“Yes, I guess that’s what I mean.”
“Everything about Libby’s life is dramatic,” Bev smiled. “I guess that’s why she’s such a great little actress.”
Lola had to know. “So Seamus is raising two children by himself?” “His sister helps out,” Aunt Vi said. “Now there’s a nice girl. Kids of her own, but she’s always there when he needs her.”
“Does Ava know about Seamus…about his wife, I mean?”
Aunt Vi frowned. “Well, Rose opened her big gob and told her he was married, but no, we never told her Sally died. Too afraid I guess. She’s never asked about him. It’s best to let it be.”
“He lives out Mira,” Bev continued. “And I think that’s a shame. I’ve never understood why he doesn’t come into town with those babies and be closer to folk. It would make his life a whole lot easier.”
“Maybe he’s afraid of running into all of you,” Lola said.
Aunt Vi and her nieces looked at each other and suddenly Lola was sorry she opened her big mouth. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sure that’s not it.”
Aunt Vi slapped the table. “You’ve hit the nail on the head, girlie! Why didn’t we think of that before?”
Uncle Angus chuckled. “We never were too bright.”
All of them laughed, so Lola joined in as well.
Upstairs Ava and Rose sat on either side of their mother’s bed. Mamie was fast asleep, which was just as well, because the minute Ava laid eyes on her, she put her hand up to cover her mouth so she wouldn’t gasp out loud.
Rose put her arm around her. “It’s okay, Libby. Sit down.”
Ava did as she was told. She couldn’t have stood much longer anyway. It was a shock to see her loud and bossy mother lying faded and weak on her pillow.
“She looks so old.”
Rose chuckled as she sat down herself. “She is old, honey. She’ll be eighty in a week, God willing.”
Ava shook her head. “I can’t believe it. I thought she’d live forever. I never thought she’d get sick.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but we’re all ten years older than the last time we laid eyes on you.”
Ava glanced at her sister before looking at her hands. “I know. I’m sorry. I always meant to come home, but there never seemed to be enough time.” Rose didn’t answer, but one look at her face told Ava what she thought about that statement.
“I always missed you,” she added.
“And we missed you,” Rose replied. “It’s a terrible shame that you only come home when one of us is dying.”
“Don’t. Please.”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it?”
“I know, I know. I just can’t deal with it all at once.” Ava reached over and grabbed a handful of tissue from her mother’s bedside and began to shred them into little pieces. “I feel badly about it.”
“Why, Lib? Just tell me why. You don’t know what it was like here, after you left. Ma was so hurt. She read that letter over and over and asked us what she did wrong. It was awful.”
Ava’s heart was heavy, so heavy she had to take shallow breaths. But there was also something else below the surface. “You’re telling me the only time she paid any attention to me was when I was gone?”
Rose looked shocked. “Is that what you think?”
Ava didn’t trust herself to speak, so she shrugged.
Rose shook her head. “Libby…”
“Ava.”
“I can’t call you Ava. Ava is the girl I saw at the movie theatre last Friday night. Libby is my baby sister and I want to tell her to grow up.” Ava clenched her teeth. Here it comes.
“You’ve been saying that so long, I think you actually believe that Ma was never there for you.”
“It’s true, Rose, and you know it.”
Her sister pointed her finger right in her face. “Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what it was like for her.” Rose paused to look at her mother. “I’ve got four kids and I can hardly see straight. She had nine! Nine kids to bring up and suddenly her husband dies horribly and leaves her to cope with everything on her own. It wasn’t easy. She’d be so tired at the end of a day, she couldn’t move, let alone speak, and all you remember is that she didn’t play patty-cake with you? She was in her sixties when you were a bratty teenager. Are you honestly telling me that you felt cheated somehow? You had four mothers! Maryette, Bev, and I looked after you like you were a baby doll. No, my girl, I don’t know where you ever got the idea that you were neglected, but it sure wasn’t in this house.”
Ava wanted to run. Anywhere. Her head was going to explode if she sat for one more minute.
“Hush now.”
Both heads turned at the sound of their mother’s voice. “Leave the girl alone, Rose.”
Ava reached for her mother’s hand. “Ma? It’s so good to see you again. I’m sorry…”
Her mother smiled and squeezed Ava’s fingers. “You look the same. You hardly look a day older.”
“That’s because your eyesight isn’t that good, Ma,” Rose laughed. “That’s true, but it’s good enough for me to see her father in her.” At the mention of her father, Ava began to cry, startling both her sister and her mother. But there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. She leaned over and laid her head on her mother’s breast.
“It’s okay, let it out,” her mother said. She rubbed Ava’s back and made soothing noises. Then she looked at Rose. “Why don’t you leave us, Rose? I think Libby needs to be with me for a while.”
“I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”
They didn’t answer. She crept out of the room and closed the door quietly behind her.
“Please don’t die,” Ava hiccupped into her mother’s nightie. “Not now.”
“I’ll try not to,” her mother smiled.
“Why didn’t you call me when you found out? I would’ve come right away.”
“Because I wanted you to enjoy your moment in the sun. There would have been nothing for you to do but drag me to doctor’s appointments, and your sisters were perfectly capable of doing that.”
Ava’s back began to hurt, so she lifted herself up and took more tissue to wipe her wet face. “I’ve been stupid and selfish to stay away so long. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I forgave you a long time ago. I think it’s time you forgave yourself.” “That may take a while.”
Her mother closed her eyes, and for a minute Ava thought she went back to sleep. It was hard to look at her face. Her cheeks were hollow and her once thick hair was now wispy and shapeless, but what was worse was looking at her hands. They were nothing but bones and sinew, with blue veins and age spots covering her thin skin. They seemed almost transparent, as if the life force that once ran through them was disappearing.
Mamie spoke but kept her eyes closed. “Are you ever going to tell me why you left?”
Ava stayed awake many nights, trying to think of an explanation that would satisfy her family’s curiosity, but she’d never come up with anything believable, so there was nothing to do but lie.
“I wanted to see the world, I guess. I felt stifled here.”
“You left a lot of people behind.”
“I know.”
“Seamus, for one.”
It was the first time in years she’d heard his name spoken out loud. It made him real again and she nearly stopped breathing altogether. Now it was her turn to close her eyes, but it was no good. His face swam before her, the face that had haunted her dreams for ten long years. Would it ever be over? Could she ever be free of him?
At that moment, she’d have give anything to be the one in bed dying.
CHAPTER FOUR
When Ava walked back into the kitchen, she found Lola holding court at the kitchen table. She had the family in stitches over something. Ava envied her easy manner. She looked like she belonged and she only knew them an hour. It was a talent Ava would never possess.
As soon as Rose saw her, she came over and put her arms around her. “I’m sorry for giving you old heck five minutes after you walked in the door.”
“Doesn’t matter. I deserved it.”
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. “Ma’s gone back to sleep.”
“She sleeps a lot now. It’s the pain medication.”
Aunt Vi hopped out of her chair. “Come sit, me darling. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Ava was grateful for the seat. Two seconds after she sat down a cup of tea was placed in front of her along with another plateful of goodies.
“Oh, I couldn’t eat another bite, Aunt Vi.”
“Go way with ya. That there cake won first prize at the fair last fall. I got the recipe from Una Murchison. That woman knows her way around a Bundt pan.”
“Well, you come a close second,” Lola said.
“Learned everything I know from my mother. Now there was a woman who knew a thing or two about baking. I was making bread by the time I was eight.”
“I’d love to make my own bread,” Lola confessed. “But I’d only eat it.”
“Well, what else would you do with it?” Uncle Angus chuckled. “You Hollywood people are mighty strange.”
“You’ve got that right,” Lola laughed. “Doesn’t he, Ava?”
Ava nodded and took a sip of tea, pretending not to notice everyone glance at each other. Let them think what they want. She wasn’t feeling up to small talk and the family must have sensed it, because the conversation resumed without her. Ava was eternally grateful that Lola was there to deflect the attention away from her. It was beyond the call of duty, but then Lola seemed to be having a good time. It almost made her envious.
Ava, on the other hand, felt as if she were underwater. Muffled voices droned on around her and everything seemed out of focus, everything but her father’s rocking chair. As Uncle Angus rocked back and forth over the floor cloth worn away by the constant motion, she heard the faint squeak, and if she closed her eyes, it was as if her father had come back to her.
If only that were true.
Someone put their arm around her shoulder. She looked up. It was Aunt Vi.
“Pet, you look wore out. I’ll go make up the spare room. There are twin beds in there for you and Lola. Uncle Angus and I are in your old bedroom because it’s closer to your mother’s room.”
For a brief moment Ava forgot that her aunt and uncle lived in the house now. They’d decided years ago that it didn’t make sense for Mamie to be rattling around by herself. It was a wise move financially, to combine their households, since Vi and Angus were always over helping out Mamie anyway.
“That’s sounds great, Aunt Vi…” Lola started to say, but Ava interrupted her.
“I think I’ll stay at the hotel if you don’t mind.”
“In heaven’s name, why? You’re throwing away good money. You can stay here for free.”
“Money doesn’t matter,” she sighed.
“Well, excuse us, Miss Moneybags,” her sister Bev snorted. “For your information, money does matter around here. You don’t need to be rubbing our noses in the fact that you can afford anything you please.”
This visit was rapidly turning into a bad idea. “I didn’t mean it that way.”
“But it doesn’t make much sense,” Rose said. “You’re here for a visit but you’re going to stay in a hotel? We can’t be traipsing into Sydney every day. We have families and jobs. It would be a whole lot easier if you stayed here.”
“I know Mamie would love it, dear,” Aunt Vi nodded. “She’s talked of nothing else for days.”
It was a losing battle. “All right, all right.”
“Don’t do us any favours,” Bev grumped.
Maryette turned on her sister. “Leave her alone. Today couldn’t have been easy, all of us swarming her the way we did.”
Ava gave her a faint smile.
Lola jumped in. “We really must go back tonight to collect our things. But we’ll return tomorrow after lunch, how does that sound?”
Aunt Vi clapped her hands. “Oh, it will be so much fun having young people in the house again!”
Uncle Angus got out of the rocking chair. “What on earth are you talking about, woman? We’ve got youngsters crawling all over this place. They never leave us alone.”
“That’s because they know a soft touch when they see one,” Rose teased him.
“Don’t be so foolish.” But with the next breath, he took the change out of his pocket and hollered, “Who wants a loonie?”
The kids galloped into the kitchen.
Soon after that, the sisters and their children bid Ava and Lola goodnight. There were kisses all around. Aunt Vi invited everyone over for a roast chicken dinner the next day. They told her it was too much, that she had enough to do with Mamie. She wouldn’t hear of it, so the girls each said they’d bring a dish.
Lola asked if she could bring a dish too.
“Go way with ya,” Aunt Vi laughed. “We’ve got plenty.”
Lola would not be dissuaded. “Let me bring something. There must be a bakery around here.”
“There’s nothing a bakery has that I don’t make better myself, so there’s no sense wasting your brass.”
Lola held up her hands. “Okay. I’ve been warned. But I’m still going to bring something. A big dinner sounds like fun.”
Uncle Angus took his pipe out of his mouth. “Were you an only child, by chance?”
“Yes, how did you guess?”
“Fun isn’t exactly how I’d describe a big dinner.”
“It’s a lot more fun for you than it is for me,” Aunt Vi sniffed. “You sit back and eat a bellyful while I slave away over a hot stove.”
Uncle Angus put his arms around his wife’s so-called waist. “I’m a lucky man, what am I?”
She slapped him away. “Get off, you old fool.”
On the way back to the hotel, Ava hardly said a word, while Lola prattled on about how wonderful her family was. She nodded at the appropriate moments and even smiled a few times. Ava knew when Lola became fed up with her, but it couldn’t be helped. She looked out one window while Lola looked out the other. The rest of the ride was silent. When Ava got back to the hotel room, she told Lola she was going to take a shower and she’d see her in the morning. Lola was about to say something, but Ava gave a little wave and closed the door. Throwing her purse and trench coat across the room, she practically ripped the clothes off her body before turning on the shower faucets full blast. As soon as the water was hot, she stepped in and let the water rain down over her head.
It was too much. Her mother, her father, the ten years she’d missed with her siblings, and now Seamus.
Seamus.
It was always about him.
With her head pounding, she eventually turned off the shower and climbed back into the bathrobe hanging on the bathroom door, then towel-dried her hair before wiping the fogged-up mirror with it. Her eyes looked swollen. If only the gossip rags could see this, she thought. Wouldn’t they have a field day?
She reached for the expensive moisturizer on the counter and soothed it over her hot and blotchy face. Everything ached. Grabbing a couple of painkillers, she swallowed them with a handful of water from under the tap, and then turned out the bathroom light, threw off the bathrobe and crawled into bed. She desperately wanted to sleep but couldn’t. Trying not to think of Seamus kept her awake. He was in this city somewhere, married to Sally. Maybe they had children by now. She wondered if he ever thought of her. Finally, in desperation, she gave in and let him come to her, remembering the first day she laid eyes on him. Their school was hosting a skating party and a bunch from the high school in New Waterford came into the rink together. Her friends were excited at the thought of seeing a few new boys. She thought they were crazy and told them so.
“They’re going to be the same as the boys in our high school. New Waterford isn’t on the other side of the planet. It’s
fifteen minutes from here.”
“That’s not what my Dad says.” Her friend Marilyn tied up her skates as she spoke. “He says they’re nuts, but I think that’s because my Uncle Charlie lives there, and he’s crazy.”
“So everyone in New Waterford is nuts because of your crazy Uncle Charlie?”
“Apparently, but my dad is a bit queer too. You know fathers. Oh, sorry, Libby. I forgot.”
“That’s okay.” But it wasn’t okay. She always felt hollow when someone mentioned their dad. Fortunately, a commotion at the door saved her from brooding. A group of about ten boys walked in, laughing and talking. Her friends preened and started to whisper behind their hands.
Libby kept very still. She picked him out the second he walked through the door. Everyone else walked in real time but he was in slow motion. It registered with her that he was tall and had brown hair and eyes, but it was his smile that made her heart pound, and the way he walked and the way he filled out a pair of jeans. His hair was long, brushing the collar of his hockey jacket. He was simply the nicest-looking boy she’d ever seen. And she knew by the squeals from her friends that they thought so too.
“Who is he?” Marilyn cooed. “He’s adorable. Look at his skin. He doesn’t even have a pimple.”
“I bet he has a girlfriend though,” said another. “Why couldn’t it be me?”
Libby didn’t open her mouth. It was so dry she couldn’t say anything anyway. And then it became impossible.
He looked right at her and stopped dead. The boy behind him careened right into him.
“Omigod,” Marilyn whispered. “Libby, he’s looking at you. Do you see him?”
She wanted to tell her friend that she couldn’t see anything but him, but her voice was still gone.
His friends followed his stare and started to tease him and shove him about. A few wolf whistles rang out. He suddenly turned around and told them to knock it off. They gave him a hard time, so he went right past her and up into the stands to put on his skates.
Marilyn told her to hurry up and get out on the ice, but Libby needed to get away from them for a minute. She had to think. The girls’ bathroom seemed like a safe haven, but walking towards it, she was aware of him watching her every move out of the corner of his eye. When she looked in the bathroom mirror and saw her cheeks were blood red, she splashed cold water on her face and patted it dry with a paper towel.