I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  The dish is a frittata and it’s full of roasted vegetables and some gorgeous tasting cheese. The fork that has just been in his mouth is once again in mine. It’s almost like he’s letting me taste him, as though we’re tasting each other. When I take the food, I watch Luke, as he watches my mouth and I keep watching him as he slides the fork out. This time I notice his eyes darken.

  Already, this is driving me crazy and we’re only getting started.

  He smiles at me again. "Good?" he asks and I don’t even know where to begin.

  I nod and take another sip of coffee, holding the mug in both hands. I watch as Luke takes a bite of the second dish, tasting what he’s just given me. Tasting me too. He moves onto the next dish and again he feeds it to me. Again he watches me as I taste it, and again he tastes the food after me. Then he moves on to the next one.

  There are eight plates in total and by the end of it, I feel like I’m drunk.

  After the last dish, when Luke has tasted some of it, he puts the fork down, takes a sip of coffee, looks at me and asks, "So, what do you think?"

  I think my eyes have glazed over. I think my brain has completely switched off and exited the building. I’m licking my lips, trying to savour all of the flavours he’s given me, trying to work out exactly what has just happened. I’m trying to get the butterflies that have suddenly taken up residence in my stomach, to slow down.

  They won’t.

  And all Luke does is look at me with those dark blue eyes, smile questioningly and ask, "Did you like any of them?"

  I groan, I can’t help it and Luke lets out a soft laugh when I do.

  "All of them," I finally say. "All of them are amazing."

  His smile is bigger now and he hands the fork back to me. "Great, finish them off for me and we’ll put them all on the menu."

  I do. I finish them. Luke grabs another fork now and helps. We sit there in comfortable silence sharing the food he’s made. The food that’s sending my taste buds to heaven and back. The same food he’s just fed to me. As I sit there watching him eat, a crazy thought enters my head. I suddenly wonder what it would be like to really taste him. What he would taste like if I just leant over and kissed him. I’m distracted by the thought and our fingers brush against each other as we reach for the same dish. It sends strange sensations up my arm and when I sneak a look to see if Luke has felt it too, he’s intently watching his fork, but he’s smiling.

  Shit, I think Mia must have said something to him after all.

  ∞

  When I got together with Sam, I desperately wanted everyone else to like him too. I really wanted my Dad and Seth to like him and more than that, I wanted Sam to like them.

  We’d been together for about eight weeks when I decided I’d better introduce him to everyone. I knew Seth was back in town on leave, so I arranged for us to go down to Providence and for me to get this whole introduction thing over and done with.

  "What’s the big deal Ash?" Sam had asked me the night before. "I’m sure everything’s going to be fine!"

  Maybe for him yes, but for me, I wasn’t so sure. Sam was my first serious boyfriend. My first real boyfriend to be honest and I was in love with him. I wasn’t worried about how Sam felt about me, I was worried about what my family would think. I needed them to like him and him to like them. I wanted it to be like Lara and Seth. Dad adored Lara and she adored him. She was an easy fit into our family and even when Seth wasn’t around she would still go and see my Dad.

  That’s what I wanted with Sam.

  So one sunny Saturday morning, we hopped on a train and went down to Providence. My Dad was going to BBQ at home and we would crash there for the weekend. I remember walking out of the train station and finding Dad standing there, a grin on his face as he waited for us.

  "Dad!" I yelled, flying into his arms. "What are you doing here?"

  "Thought I’d come and pick you up kiddo, meet this fella of yours first before we subject him to Seth," he answered laughing as he pressed a kiss to my cheek.

  I turned and watched as Sam walked towards us, hand out to my Dad. "Hey, I’m Sam, nice to meet you Mr Black."

  I watched Dad smile back at him as he said, "Huh, so you’re the one my girl is crazy about then?" Blushing I turned to Sam, watched as he smiled at me before turning back to Dad and saying without hesitation, "More than just crazy about sir, but yeah that’s me."

  Dad nodded just the tiniest bit then, as though he really liked his answer before he shook Sam’s hand saying, "It’s Michael and very nice to meet you too."

  Dad drove us home and while I was a lot more relaxed that one of the introductions was over and done with, I knew I’d suffer at the hands of Seth. He might be my brother and I loved him very much, but he certainly liked to tease me if he had the chance.

  And just as I expected, Seth couldn’t resist. "So, it’s true love then?" he asked us teasingly, as we all sat down together.

  "Absolutely," Sam said without hesitation, pulling me closer.

  We were sitting around the outdoor table on the deck while Dad cooked steaks nearby. Sam was sitting next to me with his arm around my shoulders and while Seth and Lara were virtually a mirror image of us across the table, Seth was smiling like a complete loon in our direction.

  "Seth!" Lara said sternly, swatting him on the chest with her hand.

  "What?" he asked laughing again.

  I couldn’t help but blush, even as Sam squeezed my shoulder, trying to reassure me. I was hoping that Seth could restrain himself, but evidently his politeness when I first introduced them was to be short-lived.

  "Don’t tease your poor sister like that," Lara continued smiling in sympathy at me.

  Sam leant over to kiss my temple, seemingly unconcerned about what was being said as Seth continued. "Come on, I was only pointing out how cosy they are and enquiring as to whether they were in love."

  "No you ass, you were trying to embarrass Ash."

  I was shaking my head now, silently thanking Lara whilst trying to work out a way to get back at Seth. I know he was only teasing me, but it was the last thing I needed right now. I was already nervous about him meeting Sam, I didn’t need him to embarrass me any more.

  "And you’re hardly one to talk Seth," Dad suddenly said, walking over from the grill. "It’s not like you weren’t a complete basket case when you were trying to get together with Lara."

  I laughed at Dad’s words, knowing only too well how true they were. And now it was Seth’s turn to be embarrassed, although he hid it well, raising his eyebrows at me as he asked, "What are you talking about?"

  Lara snorted with laughter as I jumped in and said, "Um, you mooned after her for weeks Seth. And then that night at the party, god you were like a lovesick puppy, following her around all night."

  "I was not!" Seth said.

  "Ah, yeah you were," Lara and I said at the same time, laughing.

  "Really?" Seth asked genuinely, turning to look at Lara.

  "Afraid so baby," she replied, smiling as she brushed his cheek with her hand. "Isn’t that right Ash?" she asked, turning to look at me.

  I just laughed, nodding my head as Dad gestured with his tongs in Seth’s direction. "Completely pathetic," he said making a face, before turning to smile at me.

  "A pathetic, love-sick puppy huh?" Seth confirmed.

  "Understatement of the year bro," I confirmed.

  Seth thought about it for a second, looking first at me and Sam, sitting together with Sam’s arm around my shoulders, before he turned back to look at Lara.

  "Oh well, totally worth it," was all he said, shrugging before he leant in and kissed her.

  I rolled my eyes before turning back to Sam, who was looking at me with a smile on his face. I was about to ask him what he was smiling about, but he just leant in and kissed me too and pretty soon, I forgot all about Seth’s teasing.

  Later that night when Seth found me alone in the kitchen, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, laughing as he said to me, "
Sorry about earlier Ash, I guess you must really be mad about this guy?"

  "Why do you say that?" I asked, glancing out to the living room where I could see Sam talking to Dad and Lara.

  "Um because of how nervous you were today," he said laughing at me.

  I was nervous yes, but it was only because I wanted them to like Sam, love him like I did. "I just want you guys to like him Seth," I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

  "We do Smasha, he seems like a really great guy."

  I smiled up at him then as I answered, "He is Seth, he’s really great."

  "Good," Seth said, kissing the top of my head. "But if he ever hurts you, then I’ll kick his ass!"

  I laughed, knowing that would never happen and just like that, it was over. Dad, Seth and Lara all thought Sam was great, and Sam really liked all of them too. Everybody got on and I didn’t know what the hell I was ever worried about. Whatever it was, it had been for nothing.

  At least then anyway.

  ∞

  When I wake up this morning, the first thing I hear is voices, coming from my kitchen. I lie here for a second, but before I feel afraid, laughter comes and I instantly recognise it. Smiling, I pull myself out of bed and walk in to the kitchen. I stand silently in the doorway and watch them. They haven’t noticed me yet, but there they are; Dad and Luke, sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and laughing together like they’re old friends. I watch them for a minute, the smile still on my face. I knew they’d get on, of course, they are so alike in so many ways. I wonder where Seth is. It’s a pity he can’t be here too, because I know he would also like Luke. They turn to me and they both smile. I’m about to walk in and give my Dad a hug when he says to me hey kiddo, you’re awake, about time sleepy head.

  And it’s with those words that I suddenly know.

  This isn’t really happening, this isn’t real. I’m dreaming and as much as I want to stay in this dream, I can’t, already I’m being pulled awake, pulled from this picture. I don’t understand how the nightmares can hold me so tightly but this dream can so easily let me go. All I want to do is stay, but I can’t.

  My eyes open.

  The sun is streaming through my window and it’s the start of a beautiful day. Luke’s voice still echoes softly through my room, but I’m not dreaming anymore. Today is Sunday, but it’s more than that and I think I know why I had that dream now.

  I get up, take a shower, get dressed and walk outside. I buy two coffees and I keep walking. I know exactly where I’m going. Without thinking about it, I just keep walking. I’m very nervous when I knock on the door, but the look on his face when he opens it, changes that.

  "Hey!" he says to me smiling. He’s standing there in sweat pants, an old t-shirt and bare feet and all I can do is stare at him. It’s like I’m seeing him for the very first time and the only thing I can think is; he looks delicious, edible.

  How come I never noticed this before?

  I take a deep breath. "Hey, coffee?" I ask, holding the cup out to him.

  "Thanks, you wanna come in?" Luke holds the door open as though me showing up unannounced like this is all perfectly normal. I also realise that he looks like maybe he just got out of bed. I try to block the sudden picture that creates in my brain.

  "Ah, well, I’m actually here to see if I can buy you breakfast?" I’m nervous again now. "I feel like I owe you a meal or probably several really."

  "What?" he asks, half laughing.

  I run my hand through my hair, pulling it over my shoulder. How to explain this to him?

  "Luke, I feel like I’ve been kind of a basket case ever since I met you, you know…..your house warming, work, my birthday. Plus you take me to see your friend’s band, the cupcakes, the movies, the food. I figure breakfast is the least I can do." I’m counting all these things off on my fingers as I say them, as though this will somehow all make sense to him.

  He’s definitely laughing now as he reaches out and pulls me inside his apartment. "No need Ash, I promise it’s all good." My arm tingles from where his fingers touch me.

  I follow him into the living room. The door to his bedroom is open and I can’t help glancing in. The first thing I see is his unmade bed, a book lying facedown on the duvet. It definitely looks as though he’s just gotten out of bed. I briefly close my eyes as the tingle that was just in my arm, now runs all the way through me.

  "Well, how about I would feel better if I took you out for breakfast," I try, turning back to face him.

  Luke takes a sip of the coffee I’ve brought him and looks right at me. He runs his hand absently over his shaved head, his t-shirt rising at the waist to reveal a hip bone and bare skin that is just asking to be touched. God, he’s making this harder.

  "Well, if you insist," he says smiling. "Then how can I possibly say no?"

  "Well only if you don’t have other plans," I say quickly. "If you do, then of course another day is fine." I’m being a total idiot.

  "No plans Ash," he replies, still smiling at me. "Just give me a sec to have a shower though?"

  Oh god, that’s the last thing I need to be picturing in my head, I think, swallowing the groan before it gives me away. I try smiling back at him, "Sure."

  I wait in the living room while he goes into his bedroom. He half shuts the door on the way in, but it doesn’t quite close. I should move so I can’t see in there, but of course I don’t.

  Thankfully he shuts the door to his bathroom. I hear the water come on and I can hear him singing while he takes a shower. Of course, what I really need to do is stop trying to picture him under the water in there. I half think about leaving, but of course I don’t. I continue to sit there on his couch and try to block the image of Luke, naked, from my brain. When he comes out, steam escapes from the room first, followed by Luke and he’s already fully dressed.

  I’m both relieved and disappointed.

  I’m not sure what I would’ve done had he walked out in just a towel. My stomach is already in knots just thinking about it.

  He comes back into the living room with shoes as I pretend to be flicking through a guitar magazine of all things. I’m really glad Jared isn’t here to see me like this, because I’m sure he would see something else, see what’s really going on with me.

  Luke sits next to me on the couch, puts on his shoes and turns to me. "So, where too?"

  Oh wow, he smells really good. "I just woke you up, didn’t I?" I ask.

  He laughs. "Woke, no, got out of bed, yes. But don’t worry about it Ash."

  What the hell am I really doing, I finally ask myself as those butterflies all start up again.

  ∞

  I used to see Angela once every couple of weeks. Most of the time I would go in my lunch break, as her office was only an eight minute walk away. For the first few sessions we would talk about a different death and how I was feeling because of it. I never did tell her the whole truth, the circumstances surrounding each of them. I didn’t want to admit blame to her, I was too afraid to, but for the first time in my life, I was honest about how it all affected me, how they made me feel. I thought she was starting to help, thought I was really starting to understand my own feelings and reactions to it all. Even Sam thought I seemed happier and that made me happy because the last thing I wanted was to push him away, destroy the relationship we had.

  "Thank you Sam," I said to him. "Thank you for getting me to do this."

  He just smiled and hugged me. "Anything Ash, anything I can do to help."

  I loved that he cared that much about me, that he would look after me like that. I couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky with Sam. How Nate had known he was exactly what I needed, that he’d been so right about us. I was so grateful that he did.

  I’d been going to see Angela for about eight months when it eventually happened. It hadn’t been my usual lunch time appointment, I’d changed that. Rung and asked if we could switch days, I can’t even remember the reason why anymore. But Angela had just said, "I’m
full for the rest of the week, why don’t you come after work today, I’ll stay back and we can talk then?"

  That was exactly the kind of person she was, and so that night after work, I went over to her office. We talked and talked and it was really good. When I left her office it was late and both of us were heading in the same direction, so we walked together.

  I remember when I said goodbye to her at the train station and walked off, I was smiling. I was finally starting to feel good about things, wondering if maybe I needed to keep seeing her anymore. I was smiling at the idea that I was finally coming to terms with all the death. Finally I felt like I understood my reactions, my feelings to it all.

  When we got to the T station, we went our separate ways and as I walked away from the station the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because there were always crazies in the T stations. I would’ve been walking down there with her had I not suggested to Sam we go and grab dinner together before heading home.

  I wonder if things would’ve been different if I’d walked down those steps with Angela. Would I have stopped her when she ran for her train? Would I’ve been able to grab her as she fell down the stairs? Would I have been able to stop her from dying? Like I said, I heard a yell, but that was all. I’m just really glad I didn’t hear the crack of her neck, breaking as she fell down the stairs. Selfish of me I know, considering I was the reason she was even there in the first place.

  When Angela died, it took me a long time to work out why. I couldn’t understand how a woman I’d barely known could die as a result of me. I’d always thought it only happened to those I loved, the ones who got close to me, those people who really meant something to me. And I was very scared it was now going to start happening to anyone around me.

  But in the end I realised what it was. In the end I realised that in fact I did love Angela, but in a different way to what I’d previously known. Yes she was my therapist, but more than that, she was a mentor, a role model, someone who was helping me a great deal, more than I ever expected. And to be honest she was a woman who had everything I didn’t, a woman who was in control of her life, her emotions and her future.