I Love You to Death

by Natalie Ward

  "I think we should head back," I hear him whisper, when he reaches my ear.

  I tighten my legs around him. "Do you?" I ask, my voice catching as his fingers dig into my back.

  "Yes," Luke moans as he walks me out of the water.

  We grab our things, Luke telling the others we are heading back and will get dinner started. I hear Jared laugh as he says, "Yeah right, you watch, they’ll both be smiling at dinner tonight."

  I hear the others laugh too, but I don’t care. I just need to get somewhere alone with Luke. Right now. We leave a trail of our things from the front door to the shower, Luke pulling me under the warm water as soon as I lock the bathroom door. My body is screaming to get close to him, even now. I feel my skin ignite from his touch, as soon as I press myself against him. My heart races as he wraps his arms tightly around me, kisses my ear and whispers hoarse words that I barely hear, but sound like words that should scare me.

  I groan but say nothing.

  We don’t come out until the water runs cold.

  The rest of the week passes by, one perfect day after another. We do nothing, just spend it together. Days on the beach, all of us relaxing in the sun and evenings cooking dinner together, laughing and talking around the table. Nights I spend alone with Luke, just the two of us wrapped around each other, still unable to get enough of each other. Both of us still constantly hungry, still touching, still tasting. And both of us falling into a deep sleep, only to wake up and do it all over again. It feels like the most perfect dream is being repeated over and over and I don’t ever want to wake up.

  On the last day we are here, I wake early and for once, Luke is still sleeping. I lie beside him just watching him, a rare chance for me and I just want to remember this single perfect moment forever. Because as I watch him, I marvel again at how it all seems too good to be true; him, us, everything and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about it all, what I’m supposed to feel for him. If those words I thought I heard him whisper to me, were even real.

  The only thing I do know is that I want to hold onto him, hold on to us, more than I’ve ever wanted to hold onto anything. And I’m trying really hard not to let that scare me.

  I watch as my hand involuntarily sweeps lightly over his soft hair, almost as if I’m proving to myself that he’s real. I watch my fingers as they trace his eyebrow, his cheekbone and his jaw. I see his slow smile appear as my finger runs over his lips. "Hey," I whisper when his eyes open. His irises are almost hidden, the early morning dawn darkening them, but as they watch me, I know I could so easily fall into them and never leave.

  I feel his hand as it slides under the sheets and around my waist, lighting my whole body on fire. His fingers dig in as he pulls me close to him and my skin is singing from his touch. Luke rolls us over, his body pressing me into the bed, blanketing me in his skin, his warmth, his smell. He smiles again, whispering, "Hey beautiful," and sending me flying, as everything inside of me slowly flips over. I want to hang on to this so badly.

  Then he kisses me, softly, slowly and I’m drowning again, drowning in him, in us. And I don’t care. I know I could stay here forever, in this single moment with him, and be completely happy. It scares me, how easily I find myself doing this, scares me, how much I want him, how much I want us. It terrifies me that I could lose it.

  His hands brush my hair back, cradling my face as he lifts his head and looks down at me. I watch him as I run my fingers lightly up his back before trailing them slowly down his sides. I see the change in his eyes, the sexy smile that appears on his lips.

  "You are the most beautiful sight to wake up to," he whispers to me, his eyes darkening again. I smile as my fingers continue to move over his warm skin, my own body coming alive as I touch him. I pull him back to me and kiss him again.

  No matter how scared I am though, I can’t seem to stop. I know I’m falling. Falling and falling and falling and I don’t even care. I’m in trouble, I should be afraid, and buried deep inside of me, that fear is there, alive and kicking, wanting to get out. But right now I’m not letting it, I’m pushing it further down and holding on to all the other feelings instead. I can’t ignore them anymore. I don’t want to ignore them. He’s all I want and I just can’t get enough of him.

  Later that day when everyone is awake we head to the beach one last time. I decide to talk to Mia about Jared. We’re walking along the sand while the guys try to catch waves. When I ask her, "What’s the story with you and Jared then?" I smile as she blushes. So it isn’t a one sided crush after all.

  She ducks her head as she says, "There is no story, not now anyway."

  "So why don’t you make one?" I suggest.

  Mia links her arm through mine, "Because he’s Luke’s best friend."

  I laugh. "So, Luke wouldn’t care, doesn’t care actually."

  She looks at me. "You’ve talked about us?" she asks, her cheeks getting redder.

  I can’t help but laugh again as I tug gently on her arm. "Maybe, but like a smart person once said to me Mia, it’s pretty obvious to everyone."

  "Shit," she says. "Shit, shit"

  "What’s wrong, why don’t you do something? You obviously really like him and he clearly likes you. He’s a really nice guy."

  She smiles now. "Yeah I know he is."

  "So?"

  "Ahhh, I don’t know, it’s complicated!" she says frustrated. "A part of me thinks I shouldn’t because of Luke, but another part of me is scared, of doing something about it, especially after so long, after everything that’s already happened. I don’t know, I don’t want to lose him as a friend if it doesn’t work out. Plus, there’s the little issue of me living in Chicago."

  "Minor details Mia, minor details. And from what I hear, it worked once, so surely it can work again. There’s nothing that can’t be overcome for the sake of true love."

  "Spoken from the woman who is in love of course," Mia responds pinching me.

  I suddenly stop walking, Mia pulling on my arm as she keeps going. I feel as though I’ve just been hit with a sledge hammer. I feel as though my whole body just stopped working and then everything inside me started up again, only at ten times the normal speed.

  And that’s when it hits me.

  I am.

  I am in love.

  With Luke.

  I am in love with Luke.

  My hand comes to my mouth as a shocked noise escapes. My heart is racing as I stand here, watching the water run up to our feet and back out to sea again. I watch my toes as they slowly sink into the wet sand and I wonder; how is it that I didn’t see this coming? How did I not know this was happening?

  "Ash?" Mia asks quietly. "Are you alright?"

  "I’m in love," I say back to her, not thinking about the words I’m speaking out loud.

  Mia just laughs, pulling me into a hug. "Of course you are you idiot, you both are!"

  ∞

  Tonight we’re home alone, and Luke decides he wants to show me how to cook. After my previous attempts at cooking him dinner, he jokes that I could use some help. He’s right, but I’m not sure if what we end up doing is going to change that.

  It’s nearly the end of summer now but the evening is still warm. All the windows in his apartment are open and we are both barefoot in jeans and t-shirts.

  Ever since our trip to the Cape, things between Luke and I have only intensified. Neither of us has said anything. Those three words I said out loud to Mia remaining unspoken to Luke. But I’m sure of it, sure that things are different now. For me, it’s as though every feeling and thought I have about him is magnified. How he only has to look at me for my heart to start pounding. How a single touch from him gets my blood racing. How he is all I can think about night and day, even when he’s lying right there beside me.

  He has to know what he’s doing to me.

  Luke puts some music on and smiles at me as he pulls me into the kitchen to begin. I don’t know why he chooses to teach me how to make tiramisu when I’m suppo
sed to be improving my cooking skills, but it turns out to be one of the most passionately charged experiences I’ve ever had.

  He shows me how to make it without using a recipe. The whole time, he stands behind me with his arms on either side of me. His hands are on my hands, showing me what to do with them. We dip biscuits into a mixture of coffee and alcohol, our fingers covered in the liquid. He lifts a finger to my mouth, running it along my bottom lip, coating it and asks, "Do you like the taste?"

  I lick the mixture off. It is delicious. Luke gently bites my ear lobe and my eyes close as I feel a shiver run through my whole body. He is delicious.

  He shows me how to combine the cream, sugar, mascarpone and alcohol together. His hand is holding mine on the spoon, his other hand resting on my stomach, his fingers teasing at the waistband of my jeans. I dip my finger into the mixture and ask him if it tastes ok. We both groan as he takes my finger in his mouth and I feel his hand pressing tighter against my stomach, which now feels like it has fallen to the floor.

  He’s standing behind me, his front pushing hard against my back, his arm around my waist holding me tightly against him. I can’t help but press harder. I can’t help but rub my body against his. I hear him groan softly again and feel his lips as they move down my neck. We drop the spoon and both of his hands slide up under my t-shirt and over my bare skin. My head falls back on his shoulder, my eyes close. His lips come down to mine and his fingers tease me as we kiss. Eventually I can’t stand it anymore and I turn to him. His arms slide down and he lifts me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. Never stopping his kisses, he walks me out of the kitchen.

  The lesson is abandoned.

  He has to know. He has to know.

  ∞

  He is perfect.

  We are perfect.

  Everything is perfect.

  I want it to stay perfect more than I ever thought possible.

  The eleventh hour, when time is running out

  ∞

  Playlist:

  1. Done all wrong – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

  2. Wait – M83

  3. Everything will be alright – The Killers

  ∞

  I know all good things must come to an end. It’s inevitable and it’s always been that way with me. One way or another, all the good things I find, all the good things I try to hang on to, they end. I wish I could say I can look back on all of it and remember the happiness, smile at the memories. But when it ends badly, as it always has, the only thing I remember is the sadness, the hurt, the loss and above all, the guilt over my part in it. All I can do is wonder if maybe I should’ve done something differently, or maybe not done something at all. Can good things really last forever or is it all just destined to end?

  I know because of this, I’ve lived my life in a constant state of fear. That time is running out, that anything good is going to be taken away from me. Unfortunately this fear has always been proven and even though I can’t stand the hurt, the pain and the loss, somehow I find myself doing it again.

  Hoping this time, it will all be different. Hoping this time, I will finally be proven wrong. Knowing deep down however, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it anyway.

  ∞

  Summer is over now. The leaves have all turned a brilliant orange and red. Even though I know the cold and snow is coming, I can’t help but be happy. The world looks beautiful to me now and I know it’s because of how I’m feeling. I am completely crazy about Luke. I am head over heels in love with him. I love every second I spend with him and crave him every second he’s away from me. I still can’t get enough of him.

  I never expected to feel like this again.

  At work Sarah smiles at me and says, "Took you long enough." I think she’s being nice to me and I can’t help but smile back at her, blushing at the same time.

  She laughs but it’s kind and says, "It’s nice to see you happy again Ash."

  I stop and look at her. She’s being so nice to me, acting like my friend. "Thank you," I say quietly back to her.

  She steps closer to me now. "So….ah, now you’re in with the band, how about you put in a good word for me with the blonde one?"

  "Ben?" I ask surprised.

  Now it’s Sarah’s turn to blush.

  I laugh finally. "Yeah of course," I say, knowing exactly how she feels. "You should come with me when they play next time, I’ll introduce you."

  She smiles at me as she responds, "Thanks Ash, that would be great."

  I can’t help but wonder if all this, everything that’s going on now; Luke, the guys in the band, Mia and now Sarah, is this what real life is supposed to feel like? Is this how normal people live? It’s been so long since I’ve really experienced it, I can barely remember what normal feels like anymore. Maybe I’ve never felt it, but if this is normal, then I really like it and I want more of it.

  I head back to the kitchen to see Luke. As I walk in there, he looks up from the stove and smiles at me and my heart just melts. He stops whatever he’s doing and walks over to me, pulling me into his arms. "Hey beautiful," he whispers in my ear and I feel like all of me is melting now.

  I wrap my arms around him and we stand there, my head on his chest, his face buried in my neck. I can feel him kissing my skin and I can’t resist sliding my hands under his jacket, tickling him. He laughs and lets go of me, enough that I can pretend to escape. But he comes after me, grabbing me again and pulling me gently against him. My head falls onto his shoulder as he nuzzles my neck again, words of payback when we get home whispered in my ear, his hands touching me with promises of things to come. I’m laughing as I push him away, poking him in the stomach before I go back out to the shop. When I reach the door, I turn and see he’s watching me, a look on his face that I’ve never seen before. I’m about to ask him what is it, when he just smiles at me and heads back into the kitchen.

  And seconds later, I hear my world completely shatter and fall apart.

  There’s a loud explosion from the kitchen.

  I hear Luke swear.

  I see smoke start to fill the room, it’s everywhere.

  I can’t stop the scream that escapes my mouth.

  I know what this means I think, as my legs collapse and I sink to the floor.

  Why does it have to happen again? Why does it have to keep happening to me? What have I ever done to deserve this?

  ∞

  When they finally took Sam away from me, I was completely numb. Frozen. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t undo any of what had happened.

  I remember them asking me so many questions, the police, the paramedics, people I’d never seen before. Questions I couldn’t answer. What happened? How long had he been like this? Is there someone we can call? Do you have any family?

  I wanted to scream at them all to shut up. I wanted to scream at them that I had no fucking idea what had happened and why this kept happening to me. I wanted to scream and never stop, but nothing would come out, no words, no sound, nothing.

  I remember my whole body shaking uncontrollably. My arms were wrapped tightly around me, like a vice, as I fought my own body and tried desperately to hold myself together, knowing anyway that I was about to completely fall apart. Someone put a blanket around me, forcing me to sit down. A burning cup of coffee was placed in my hands. I barely noticed it and it slowly went cold as I held it. I imagined Sam had done that lying in my arms too.

  I couldn’t talk.

  I couldn’t think.

  I couldn’t do anything.

  I could barely even breathe.

  Sam was gone. He was gone forever, the only person I had left in the entire world and now he was gone. I had no idea what was I going to do. Had no idea how I was ever going to be able to survive this. I didn’t want to be alive anymore, didn’t want to face the thought of going on alone. No friends, no family, no love.

  I just wanted to be dead. I deserved to be dead now.

  Eventually
everyone left. Eventually they took Sam away from me. When they’d gone and I was truly all alone, I thought I’d try and drink it all away; the vision, the memory of what had happened, even myself. I just wanted it all to go away. But no matter how drunk I got, the nightmare forced its way in, dragging me from my stupor. And even though I’d passed out, the nightmare still let me relive the horrible memory over and over again.

  ∞

  I can hear people talking and yelling everywhere, but I can’t move. I’m on the floor behind the counter, my head is in my hands and I’m crying. I can’t bear to face this. I can’t possibly look up and see what’s happening. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want him to be gone.

  Paramedics are coming in to the shop now. The fire alarm is going off. Noises are everywhere.

  Sarah comes over to me, pulls me up, and gently tells me, "Ash you should go to him."

  I am so afraid.

  "Ash, go to him," Sarah says more forcefully now, pushing me into the kitchen.

  "Ash?" I hear Luke call out. "Ash, come here, come here."

  For a second my heart stops. If he’s talking, he is alive. If he can talk to me, he must be alive.

  "Ash, please…." Luke pleads.

  I don’t want to go. I’ve already made it so bad. But I can’t help it, I have to and I feel my feet walking over to him.

  "I’m sorry," I say, tears streaming down my face as I catch a glimpse of him.

  Luke is burnt and I caused it. I am doing this to him. It’s happening all over again and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

  "Asha," he whispers, reaching his hand out to me. "Come here, please." He’s sitting on a stool in the kitchen and he slides his arm around my waist and pulls me to him as the paramedics start to work on his burns. His left arm is stretched out on the counter. I tuck my face into his neck because I don’t want to see what I’ve done to him. I’m still crying.

  I am so afraid.

  Luke is gently kissing my face as he holds me tight against him. He’s whispering words of comfort and reassurance in my ear, stroking my back and kissing away my tears. I’ve done this to him and he’s in so much pain right now, but it’s Luke who’s comforting me. I want so badly to make him be okay, to make all of this be okay.