by Natalie Ward
I try to focus on my hand in Luke’s. I try to squeeze it but nothing, nothing happens.
It’s so noisy in here, I wish it would all go away. Please just go away. Please just go away. Leave me, leave him.
But the noises stay.
Beep - - beep - - beep
Voices, so many of them now.
…."Let’s move it people, someone get rid of those clothes…"
….."You need to stay out of here"…..
…."NO!"….
Beep - - - - - - - beep
"We’re losing her!"
"Get a crash cart in here…..NOW!"
…."Asha"….. "Please!"
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
"CLEAR!"
∞
Somewhere, faintly, I can hear someone counting.
Numbers.
One
When I was only one minute old I lost the first person from my life. I was an unforseen complication who killed her mother. She’d wanted me so badly, but in the end she never got to know me and I never got to know her.
Two
For some reason, then I got a decade off. But at the age of ten I lost my best friend, my loyal defender, Grace. I was a child and I did something so stupid, it ended up killing her.
Three
By twelve it was my Grandad, a man who always made me feel better, made me happy and who was one half of the greatest love story I’d ever heard. He’d tried to make me happy and it killed him.
Four
Then at sixteen it was a boy who had the misfortune to be the subject of a school girl crush. Maybe if he hadn’t been so nice to me, hadn’t felt the same way, it could’ve been avoided.
Five
One year later my Mom’s sister joined her. Her surrogate mothering earning her the same fate as my real mother. Once again I was the unforseen complication who caused it.
Six
By the time I finally had another best friend, I was beginning to wonder if knowing me was such a smart idea. When Nate died at nineteen, I was sure it wasn’t, because once again I’d been the reason.
Seven
Then at twenty-one my Grandma was next. For some reason this one caused me the least guilt, even though I was to blame. This one at least, gave a final happy ending to that beautiful love story, even if I was the reason why.
Eight
Then my role model, my mentor, the woman I aspired to be, died and I hoped it could all finally stop now. But that wasn’t going to be the last of it. Because then, then it really started to hurt. Almost as if death was coming for me with a vengeance now, like the last twenty-one years had all been a warm-up. Because then;
Nine
I lost my dad.
Ten
My brother, Seth.
Eleven
My sister-in-law, Lara.
Twelve
And Sam.
The man I loved. The man I trusted, the man who knew the truth about me and still stayed with me. Then I broke his heart and he died.
I felt like I was dead then too, that I really would be better off dead.
But I wasn’t and I couldn’t do it, so I did the only thing I could do. I removed myself from the world. Tried to stay away, tried to protect people from me. Tried so very hard, not to get attached again.
But then something happened. Someone happened.
Luke.
He walked into my life and slowly, gently he showed me how to smile again, how to start living again. He gave me a reason to breathe again. Showed me that living was worth it and it was worth fighting for. That it was worth taking a risk and making the choices you wanted to make. That he was choosing me, fighting for me and he wanted me to fight for him, for us.
I am going to fight this time, but I’m not going to let him be next.
So when it came time for number thirteen, that’s when I decided, I was finally making a choice and I would fight for that choice. This time I was going to be the one who would choose.
….Thirteen
And this time, it would be me.
∞
I feel a sudden powerful jolt. It surges through me, blocking out everything else.
The noise is all gone now, the pain too. I am no longer cold. I can’t feel Luke’s hand anymore. I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing.
And it feels amazing.
A memory flashes through me.
...late in the evening, walking into our bedroom and seeing Luke’s guitar. Picking it up as I sit on the bed, holding it as though I was going to play. Feeling him slide in behind me, his legs holding me between him. Feeling his arms wrap themselves around me as he places his hands over mine on the strings. "Do you want me to teach you to play?" he whispered in my ear. "You’d do that?" I whispered back, as his lips trailed soft, slow kisses down my neck. "I’d do anything for you Ash, anything," he said, gently biting my shoulder. "Luke," I whispered as his kisses slowly moved back up my neck. His guitar fell to the floor...
It’s gone.
I wonder what time it is.
Today is my birthday and I got the best gift of all.
I got to save him.
I wonder where Luke is. I hope he is ok. I hope the others are with him.
I hope he knows that I love him.
More than anything.
And I really hope he knows why.
I Need to Tell You
Music & Lyrics by Luke Taylor
I can never explain all that I feel, to you
I can never show everything that I feel, to you
But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you
And how much I love you.
I need to tell you,
That you are the air that I breathe
That you are my heart as it beats
That you are my soul and all that it keeps
You are my everything and
I will spend forever trying to show you.
But I need to tell you
How much I want you, how much I need you
And how much I love you.
I need to tell you
I really need to tell you
How much I love you.
Infinity, like love, is a quantity without bound or end
∞
Playlist:
1. Everlasting Love – U2 version
∞
Death.
The only certainty in life.
That’s what they say anyway, but really, they underestimate the power of other things. The power of choice and the power of fighting for that choice.
But most of all, they underestimate the power of love.
They say love makes the world go around, but that’s just not true.
It’s infinite and it can do so much more than that.
I was wrong when I said you can’t stop death. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can and it is the most amazing feeling.
I was only one minute old when the first person died.
And I was only just twenty-seven years old when I died.
∞
I am surrounded by blackness. It’s everywhere. The pain is back now, but it’s no longer throbbing, more of a slow, dull ache. I am not cold anymore. I can hear a faint, steady beeping that sounds muted and far away. The loud noises and voices have all gone though. It’s peaceful and quiet, finally.
I don’t know where I am, but I have a sudden, vivid memory of fear, a lot of fear. I remember being so very afraid, but I can’t remember why.
I have no idea where I am now, but I don’t want to be here. I try and open my eyes.
It’s dark but there’s soft light coming from somewhere and it doesn’t hurt my eyes this time. I want to move, but my body feels so heavy, weighed down by itself. I try slowly turning my head. The pain doesn’t get any worse when I do, just sits somewhere low in my stomach. I realise now that I’m lying on a bed in a darkened room that I don’t recognise. My head is resting
on a soft pillow and I can feel something in my hand.
I blink a few times and everything around me finally comes into focus.
Luke.
He is here. He’s sitting beside me and he’s holding my hand in both of his. His head is resting on the bed I’m lying in. He’s facing me, but his eyes are closed as though he is sleeping.
A sharp pain suddenly lances through my chest, bringing with it a nauseating dread. Oh god, I remember now, I remember everything.
Luke coming in to work and picking me up. His beautiful new tattoo. Going home and drowning in each other. Their amazing show, the new song he wrote for me, the backroom, my birthday. Being so incredibly happy, loving him.
But then there was the dark alley, the man, and the cold hard metal of the gun. The gun that was pointing at Luke. The gun that was going to take him away from me. There was pain and an aching, frightening terror that took over. Terror that was replaced with anger, a fierce determination, and a sudden burst of excruciating agony that took everything else away, that made the world go black.
I remember making a choice; fighting for him, trying to protect him. I wanted to stop him from dying.
He was holding my hand the whole time, I remember that too. I wanted to let him know that I knew, that I knew he was there, but nothing would work, I couldn’t move my hand or my body. My eyes were shut. I was freezing cold, weighed down and hurting so bad, but he kept holding my hand. Through everything, he kept holding my hand.
I remember all of it now, I thought I was dying.
Luke.
I try squeezing my hand again. This time, somehow it finally moves and when it does, Luke’s eyes instantly open. Beautiful blue eyes find my face and are immediately filled with tears. I try smiling at him, let him know that it’s ok now, but I’m engulfed in him. Strong arms wrap themselves around me, gently but firmly. His lips are on my cheek, pressing soft kisses and I can feel his tears on my face, his words in my ear. Asha, oh god Asha, I love you. I love you so much.
I lift my arm and Luke pulls back a little. I reach out and gently brush the tears from his cheek now and he leans into my touch.
"Hey," I whisper, my voice barely audible through my aching throat, my own eyes filling with tears.
He smiles at me, that gorgeous smile that stops my heart. "Hey beautiful," he whispers before leaning in and gently kissing my lips.
I saved him, I really saved him.
∞
When I wake up this time, it’s lighter and I can hear voices. The pain is fading and it’s easier to move now. Luke is still here, finally sleeping, but stretched out on the bed beside me. The nurses don’t like him sleeping in my bed, but we both ignore them. I need to keep him close to me. I slowly roll over and watch him; lightly run my hand over his soft hair. It’s growing out a little because he hasn’t cut it for a while. I’ve been in the hospital for four days now and he hasn’t left me. He doesn’t say the words, but he doesn’t leave. Jared and Mia have brought us both some fresh clothes.
His hand is in mine and our fingers are threaded together, neither of us letting go. He wears my ring, the one that used to belong to my Dad, on one of his fingers now. I gently twist it around as he lies beside me.
"It’s yours Ash," he says quietly, his eyes still closed. "I was only looking after it for you."
He must have put it on when I first came in that night. It looks good on him. I pull his hand to my mouth and press a kiss to his palm. "No Luke, it’s yours now, I want you to have it," I whisper.
He smiles as he drifts back to sleep again.
I lightly kiss his forehead and then carefully sit up as a nurse comes into my room, trying not to disturb Luke. I feel his fingers tighten around mine, but he doesn’t open his eyes. I gently brush my other hand over his hair again. I can’t stop touching him.
"He never leaves huh?" the nurse says quietly, as she puts a breakfast tray beside my bed. She’s brought extra food.
I shake my head smiling.
She smiles back at me and then leaves the room, pulling the curtains around my bed before she goes.
I turn back and watch him sleep. When I first woke up and saw his face, his eyes, his beautiful smile, I knew I’d done the right thing, had made the right choice. That it had all been worth it, he was so worth fighting for and I would do it all over again if I had to. In a heart beat.
He is so beautiful.
∞
Now I am woken by soft, gentle touches, by fingers running slowly down my spine. Kisses pressed to my skin and strong arms holding me tight. I have no idea what time it is, the only noise is the sound of rain outside. I smile, bury my face in his neck and breathe in his scent; his arms tighten, pulling me closer. I feel warm and safe, surrounded by him.
I am back home, in the apartment I share with Luke and Jared. Mia is still here, she hasn’t gone back to Chicago yet. I want to talk to her because I think things might be happening with Jared now. I think they’re finally talking to each other again.
In three months the guys are going to LA. They’re really getting to record their album. It all happened after that night; the industry people really meant what they said and want to sign them. They are all so excited.
It wasn’t always like that though; at first Luke didn’t want anything to do with it, at first Luke didn’t even want to tell me about it.
"Why don’t you want to go Luke? This is a fantastic opportunity, such a big thing for you guys, you really should go."
He smiles sadly at me. We are curled up together on our bed. I came home from the hospital only yesterday, after spending a week in there. Luke still hasn’t left me. Poor Robert has lost two staff members because of this, because Luke refuses to go back to work and I can’t. I told him I was fine, that Mia was here anyway and would look after me, but he still won’t leave.
"I can’t Ash, I just can’t," he says quietly.
"Luke," I say firmly, my hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "Tell me why not?"
I wonder if it’s something to do with his parents. If he’s afraid of going back there, being in the same city as them again. I already know he won’t see them, won’t ever get in contact with them. Although a part of me is sad they can’t see the man he has become, I completely understand his refusal. His Dad destroyed their relationship the day he hit Luke and his Mom did the day she ignored it. It’s up to them to mend that mistake, not Luke.
"Because I don’t want to be apart from you Ash, I can’t spend months in LA apart from you," he whispers sadly.
I smile now, finally realising what the real reason is and the sad look on Luke’s face turns to total confusion.
"What?" he asks.
I lean up and kiss his jaw. "I was planning on coming with you Luke," I say, smiling. "I thought you’d know that?"
Luke wraps his arms tighter around me, pulling me onto his lap as he softly kisses me again and again. "Asha, I really hoped you would. I want you to, I really want you to, because I don’t want to do this without you, I can’t do this without you."
I pull back a little, still smiling at him and brush my fingers over his cheek. "You won’t Luke; we’ll do it together okay? All of it, we’ll do together."
Holding my face in his hands, Luke rests his forehead on mine as he whispers, "Always."
I can’t wait to go. I’ve never been to LA and I can’t wait to see where he grew up. And after the album’s made, they are going on tour, a promotional trip around the States to begin with. There’s even talk of supporting another band, being their opening act. I am so proud of him, so proud of all of them, they really deserve it and I cannot wait to watch the rest of world discover how amazing they are.
Now we’ve decided to go, I dig my camera out again, trying to remember what it used to feel like in my hands. Luke smiles when he sees me, but doesn’t say anything.
"I want to capture all of these moments for you, record all of the amazing things that I know are going to happen for you now." I reply to his u
nasked question, sneaking in a quick shot of him as he stands there smiling at me.
His blue eyes meet mine as he walks over, pulls me into his arms and says, "You are the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me Asha. You."
So very worth it.
∞
Everyone’s coming over tonight to start discussing plans for LA. Pete and I are definitely going and we’re trying to convince Sarah to come too. Even though it’s new, I think Ben wants her to and I suspect Sarah wants to as well. I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to convince her and poor Robert won’t know what’s hit him if she leaves too. He’s already lost me and Luke; neither of us is going back now. I’m still not sure about Mia yet, not sure what her plans are. I keep watching them and hoping, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to her alone to find out what’s really going on. I’ve noticed things though; catch them watching each other, so I’m hopeful.
Tonight will be the first time everyone has been together since I came home. I saw them all in hospital, but tonight is my third night home and we’re getting together to celebrate everything that’s happened for them. I can’t wait, because I love having everyone together. They are my friends, but they are also my family now, the family I wanted so badly.
Luke is cooking dinner for all of us. He laughed at me earlier when I offered to help him.
"What?" I ask him, trying to be serious.
"Ash, beautiful, I love you more than anything, but your cooking...I’m really not sure how much help you’re gonna be in there," Luke says, smiling at me as he gestures into the kitchen, his blue eyes sparkling.
"Hey, I can help!" I reply, pretending to be hurt by his comment, but unable to hide my smile.