After breakfast, Kevin, Chase, the kids, and the dog headed in to town to buy some supplies and have ice-cream, leaving my mother and I alone. She washed and I dried in what should have been a familiar domestic scene, but wasn’t for us.
“So you had fun?”
“Yeah, it was nice to catch up with Marissa, especially.”
“She’s a good girl. It’s a shame her brothers and sisters lumped her with the parents, though. That’s got to be hard for a young girl.”
“I expect so.” I took a plate from the rack and started to dry it. “It’s funny how little some people have changed. They look older, and in some cases better, but they’re still the same.”
“You’re not though, honey. You’ve changed.”
That surprised me. “In what way?”
“You seem more… jaded.”
“Gee, Mom. I can’t imagine why.”
She looked at me. A real honest-to-goodness look in the eyes. “It’s not a criticism. I think you’re amazing. The way you stepped up to help your sister and then those kids, it makes me so proud. “
“Thanks, Mom.”
“On the other hand, you shouldn’t have to.”
“I know.” I sighed. “What choice do I have?”
“Do you think the kids would want to stay with me?” The question was so unexpected it stopped me in my tracks.
“I don’t know, Mom. They don’t really know you, and I guess that’s Minnie’s call. Is that something you’d want?”
It hadn’t occurred to me that my new stable, sober mother might be interested in being a run-of-the-mill grandmother. I know it had never occurred to Minnie either.
“Well, they seem like sweet kids, and I would like to get to know them. I’ve been where your sister is, and even if she wants to turn things around, it might take a while. This might be a good stop-gap for her.”
I sat at the kitchen table. “I guess. I could ask the kids what they think, maybe to test the waters.”
This would set me free and maybe give Mom a chance to redeem herself, too.
“Do that. We don’t have to make a decision today, but I don’t want you doing this alone, Lucy. You missed out on a childhood. I don’t want your adulthood messed up by your crazy family, too.”
Crazy family. That summed it up.
“Mom?”
“Yeah, honey?” She had her back to me and her hands in the sink.
“Did you ever hear from Dad? I mean, after he left. I never understood why he never visited or never called even.”
I watched her whole body go still. As if she was bracing herself. Then she turned slowly, and judging by the look on her face, I could tell there were more secrets to share, and more apologies to make.
“I have another confession to make and I know you’re already not my biggest fan…”
“Mom, what happened to making amends?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Lucy, but I’m kind of a chicken-shit,” she was half-laughing as she said it.
“Come to think of it, I have.” I laughed, too.
“Your father did write, but I never gave you the letters. I was really mad. He just left us. No warning. Poof. Who does that? Who runs off with the circus?”
“Dad.”
“Exactly. And the thing you may not know is, your Dad and I were separated when we were younger and he used to write to me. That’s how he wooed me. His letters. He was always such a story-teller. I was dating this other guy, but those letters won me over.” She let out a sigh. “Anyway, I knew he would be persuasive. I knew he’d twist everything around and make it seem like he did the right thing.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, I wasn’t coping when that first letter arrived about a year later, and I thought he’d blame me, and you’d agree. I was worried I would lose you too.”
“So you hid the letters.” It wasn’t a question.
“I did. And when he came by a couple of times, I didn’t tell you, which I am far more ashamed of. By then Minnie was gone. It was you and I, and…”
“You were worried I’d choose him?”
She nodded. “And I’m so sorry because that was so wrong and I know it.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“They settled in Ohio. Still together. He’s back running a sports store, I think. I’ll get you the address.”
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I don’t need it.”
“What?”
“He didn’t say good-bye; he didn’t try very hard to find me; he didn’t fight; he didn’t use the courts, and no offense, but unless you two planned to meet when he stopped by, one look at you should have told him to do something for me. He probably just wanted my forgiveness. I don’t need him.”
“If you change your mind…”
“Mom, I need you to realize, that still doesn’t make what you did acceptable.”
“I know.”
“I honestly don’t know if I can take anymore right now.”
“I understand. I’ll make it up to you.”
“I don’t know how. You kept my father from me.”
“Yeah, I don’t know either.”
That, at least, I believed. I could see she was telling the truth. She couldn’t reconcile it either.
Chapter 18
Day Two of the reunion was a family farm day. Apparently, this was another of Patty’s brainstorms. It was hay bales, petting zoos, barbecue and square-dancing out at the old Malone Farm.
I was still feeling a little shell-shocked from my mother’s revelations that morning. I really wished we had stuck with my plan last night and skipped today. Still, the kids were pretty excited about the farm, so we were all decked out in jeans and checked shirts. Chase looked sexy in his, with a day of stubble and a big cowboy hat.
“Did you buy that especially for this?” Nothing would have surprised me.
“No, ma’am. I had this from a trip to a dude ranch,” he tipped the hat at me.
“Of course you did.”
We piled out of the car and headed in. Marissa was on the desk, marking names off. She looked like Mary-Ann from Gilligan’s Island in cute pigtails and a checked shirt.
“I’m so glad you came,” she said hugging me. “Last night was so much fun.”
“It was,” I said. “These are my nieces, Katie, and Sophie, and my nephew, Oliver. This is my friend, Marissa.”
“Nice to meet you, kids. You want to sign up for a pony ride? Here’s the form.”
Sophie and Oliver were practically elbowing each other aside to get to the list.
She gave us a map. “I’ll meet you by the barbecue grill later.”
“Come on, let’s go explore.” His arm was back around my shoulders and he whispered, “It’s going to be fine. And the kids will have made another great memory.”
“Fingers crossed. I’ve had about as many shocks and revelations as I can handle for a lifetime.”
Chase looked down at me. “Are you sick? You look kind of pale.”
“I’m fine. My mother decided to start sharing.”
“Oh?” His eyebrows shot up.
“Not a conversation for now.”
He kissed my temple. “Later then, babe.”
Jacob walked up, holding two small boys by the hand. “Morning.”
“Nice day for it,” Chase said.
“Yes. Are these Minnie and Joe’s kids?’ Jacob asked. “Man, I remember when you were a baby.”
“You knew our dad?” Katie asked.
“Knew?” Jacob asked.
“Joe passed away,” I was sure he would have known
“Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea.” He turned his attention back to the kids. “Your dad was about the greatest guy ever. He used to take us skiing on the mountain, and he’d drive us to Nashua to see movies when he came to visit. He was… he was a great man.”
I saw Katie’s shoulders lift a little. “Thanks.”
“Hey, kids, I see cotton candy. Who wants some?” Chase
led them away.
“I’m sorry, Lucy, I really had no idea. I wish I’d known. I would have done…something.”
“Don’t feel bad. It’s been three years. He was sick for a while. We tell ourselves that at least he’s not suffering.”
“How’s Minnie coping?”
“Not so great.” I wasn’t airing the dirty laundry with him.
“I’m sorry to hear that. They were so good to you. To us, really. My folks were so dull and serious. It was always great when they came to visit.”
“I know. We had some good times.”
“We did, and I want to say that if I could have a do-over, I would have done it all very differently. I thought about what you said last night, and you’re right. We were friends, and whatever else had been happening, you deserved better than I gave you.”
“Oh well, bygones. The main thing is, you’re happy with Patty, so I guess it all worked out the way it was meant to.”
“Did it? I often wonder…”
Oh crap. I didn’t need a declaration of undying love. I’d had about as many bombshells as I could take.
“Of course it did. You got everything you wanted. Anyway, I have to go. Take care.”
I headed after Chase and the kids to find some cotton candy. I really needed something sweet in my life right now because all the revelations had left a bad taste in my mouth.
Three hours later, the kids had petted every farm animal known to mankind, ridden horses, and had eaten cotton candy and barbecue; ’til they could eat no more. Everyone was happy. Sitting here with Chase and the kids, I let myself imagine we were a normal, happy family for just a minute or two.
“I love this town,” Chase offered me some popcorn and I took some ever though I didn’t need it
“Me, too,” said Sophie. “I wish we lived here.”
“Me, too,” Oliver agreed with his sister, shoving a mound of pink spun-sugar into his mouth.
“Well, visiting somewhere for a weekend is different than living somewhere.” I tried to let them know a visit wasn’t quite the same thing.
“Kevin showed us the school. It’s really pretty. They have a big lawn and a vegetable garden,” Sophie said. “Our school is all concrete.”
“And they have a basketball court,” Oliver interrupted her.
I was pretty sure he was a bit small for basketball, but what did I know?
“What do you think of the town, Katie?” I asked looking around at the people I’d grown up with dancing.
“It’s all right, I guess. I liked the ice-cream parlor you worked at.”
“Me, too,” the other two, backed her up.
Maybe this was the time. “Well, if you guys wanted, you could stay here with Grandma and Kevin for a few weeks. Go to school here for a while.”
“Really?” the little ones were wide-eyed with expectation...
“The thing is, your mom is away for a little while. So you can live with me in your place, but with my hours, you’re going to be alone a lot.”
“Why did Mom leave?” Oliver asked.
“She needs some time to cope with everything that’s going on, so Grandma and I are helping her out. She loves you guys, and will be back soon much better.” I didn’t know how else to put it.
“I want to stay here,” Oliver’s decision was swift and decisive.
One down, two to go.
“I think I do, too,” Sophie was less certain, her voice soft and cautious.
“I don’t,” Katie said.
“You don’t have to decide now, and we can all go home tomorrow and see how we do. If you change your minds, I’ll bring you back.”
“Okay.” Katie wasn’t committing to anything and I couldn’t blame her.
“What next?” asked Chase. “I think there’s some square-dancing inside.”
“Square-dancing is for losers,’ Katie declared.
“Really? Because I saw some cute teenage boys heading in, so let’s go check out those losers,” Chase said.
Katie couldn’t help but smile. “Fine, but don’t embarrass me.”
“Us?”
“Not us,” she teased. “You.”
He grabbed his chest over his heart. “Oh Katie, you wound me.”
But they headed off together with the other two following. “You coming, Lucy?”
I was just in the door of the barn when a hand landed on my shoulder. Patty.
“Hey Patty. You’ve done such a great job with this reunion. Everything is wonderful.”
“Don’t play innocent with me, Lucy. I know what you’re up to and flattery won’t help.”
Good lord, what was up with this woman? “I’m not up to anything.”
“I saw you talking to Jacob.”
“And?”
“I know you want him back.”
“Oh please. No I don’t. Why don’t you stop worrying about me and go have fun with your husband and kids?”
“I know you never got over him.”
“It took me a long time to get over the way I found out about you two, I was really hurt by that, but I got over Jacob a long time ago…”
“And now you have Chase.”
“Exactly.”
“That won’t last, Lucy.”
I knew she was right but still, it was hardly her place to say so, again.
“Oh?”
“Men like that never choose women like you.”
“You can think what you like, but I don’t need to listen to it. I don’t know why it’s necessary for you to be nasty to me, but you need to grow up. Now excuse me, because I’m going to go enjoy myself.”
And with that, I headed straight toward Chase and joined him as he danced with the kids. Sure, it wasn’t going to last; sure, his type of guy usually didn’t choose girls like me, but I was certainly going to enjoy it while it lasted.
Later that night, I tucked three exhausted but happy kids into bed.
“This was a fun weekend,” I bent in and kissed Katie’s head.
“It was,” she leaned in to my body. “Aunt Lucy, were you serious about us staying here?”
I nodded and sat on the edge of the bed. “If you want to, you can. You could try it and see.”
“I’m scared.”
“I know. Me, too. I don’t know what the best decision is. Part of me wants you in Boston with me, but then I think that that’s selfish when this might be better for you. More normal.”
“I’d kind of like to be normal for a while.”
“Wouldn’t we all?” I rolled my eyes. “The thing is this would be a fresh start. New friends, new beginnings. School’s only been back a couple of weeks; it would be easy to transition in now.”
“And if we don’t like it, we can come home?”
“Sure. How about we give it a month and see? Maybe your mom will be back by then.”
Her eyes studied my face. “But you don’t think so, do you?”
“I don’t know, Katie. Soon I hope.” I didn’t want to lie to her.
“Then I think I’d like to try staying here.” I pulled her in to a firm hug. She was a brave kid and I was sure going to miss seeing her every day.
“Right then. I’m going to have to leave early in the morning like we planned. So I’ll go tell Grandma. She’s going to be really happy.”
“Are you going to be happy, Aunt Lucy?”
I doubted that, but knowing the kids were safe would help. “I’m sure going to try.”
In the kitchen, Kevin, my mom, and Chase were sipping coffee.
“They’re staying,” I said, slumping into a chair. “We’ll give it a month and see.”
My mother couldn’t contain her smile. “That’s so great, Lucy. I promise we’ll take good care of them.”
“You better, because this is a huge act of faith for me. I can think of about a hundred reasons this is a bad idea.”
“I know, honey. We won’t let you down.” She got up and gave me a hug.
I held her back by the shoulders and
eye-balled her. “Don’t let those kids down. I’ve been where they are, and they deserve better.”
Chase was watching me, silent. He knew how much I loved those kids and how much I would miss them.
“We’re still leaving at dawn,” I said to him.
“Whatever you want, Lucy.”
“I’ll box up some clothes and ship them up this week. And I’ll work it out with the school. I’m already on their paperwork, I’ll sort it all out.”
Kevin stood to go out for his evening cigarette. “You are a remarkable woman, Lucy.”
“Thanks, Kevin.” I felt tired, sad, and empty. I did not feel remarkable at all. I felt like I was abandoning those kids, but maybe a fresh start was exactly what they needed. I didn’t think I could keep all those balls in the air back in Boston, and I didn’t want them to be the ones that got dropped.
Only time would tell if this was the best decision.
Chapter 19
Chase and I drove in silence. I didn’t cry. I wanted to cry but the tears didn’t come. The kids had come to the porch to say good-bye, bleary eyed and sad.
“I’ll call tonight.”
“Promise?”
“Of course.” They knew my word was good.
We’d each worked our way through a very large coffee on the drive. I was ready for another.
“How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, or I guess I will be. I’m really sad that it has come to this. I wanted better for those kids. Joe would be turning in his grave.”
“He’d be proud of you.” He patted my leg. “You’ve put the needs of those kids over what you wanted for yourself.”
“Maybe.”
“Lucy, those kids need stability, and you need a chance to have a life. They know you’ll get them anytime…”
“Those kids are my life, Chase.”
“I know, but understand that’s not right. You need your own life Lucy.”
“I know.” I did know that and really all I wanted was for those kids to have stable an upbringing as possible.
The silence in the car enveloped us and I watched the town disappear.
“I think you nailed the reunion.” Chase broke the silence a while later.
“Actually, I think you nailed it. Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without you.”
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