by Tom Papa
Begin Reading
Table of Contents
About the Author
Copyright Page
Thank you for buying this
St. Martin’s Press ebook.
To receive special offers, bonus content,
and info on new releases and other great reads,
sign up for our newsletters.
Or visit us online at
us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup
For email updates on the author, click here.
The author and publisher have provided this e-book to you for your personal use only. You may not make this e-book publicly available in any way. Copyright infringement is against the law. If you believe the copy of this e-book you are reading infringes on the author’s copyright, please notify the publisher at: us.macmillanusa.com/piracy.
For Cynthia
INTRODUCTION
Greetings!
It’s good to see you again. I would like to start by thanking you for liking my first book enough, or at least buying enough of them, that my publisher called and asked if I would write another. This made me very happy, because not only do I like writing them but also it stops me from spending all my time baking bread, drinking red wine, and looking for cheeses. Not that I stopped any of those things to write this book, but it’s good to have something else to do.
I also knew exactly what I wanted to write about.
While it was really fun meeting everybody at my book events and shows over the past year, I have to admit that I’m a little worried about you. You seem stressed, overworked, and, frankly, a little mixed up.
Everyone seems to be fighting this overwhelming feeling that things are getting worse, that we should be doing more, and that we’re not good enough. People are doing yoga at the airports, taking antidepressants by the handful, and drinking record amounts of alcohol, all in an attempt to not completely lose it.
Well, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to calm down and realize that you’re doing great! You really are. I see how hard you work and how much you care and I’m telling you, you’re doing great.
We are the first human beings to be inundated, twenty-four hours a day, with news, images, and ideas of all kinds devised by forces beyond our control, and it’s messing with our heads. They seep into our lives and are warping our perception of the world.
So while we aren’t dealing with a major war, we are at war for the control of our own thoughts. So let’s recalibrate, turn off the devices, and open our eyes to a better reality. You’re doing great!
I’ll go one better—you’re peaking right now. Seriously, if you have time in your life to sit and read this silly book, it’s not going to get much better. In the not-too-distant future people are going to ask you to go somewhere and you’ll have one question: “Are there stairs?” And if there are, you’re not going. These are the good times.
Life isn’t perfect. There have always been problems and there always will be. You can engage politically, you can fight for the things that you believe in, you can work really, really hard, but you shouldn’t lose track of the fact that while we’re doing all that, life is flying by at lightning-fast speed. We live in an amazing time filled with airplanes, scooters, and peanut-butter cups. We have air conditioning, blenders, and martini shakers. It’s time to refocus, enjoy it all, and realize that you’re doing great.
Remember the fable about the ants and the grasshopper? All summer long the ants were working away preparing for the coming winter while the grasshopper was screwing around swimming and making out in the grass. Well, at the end of that story, winter takes hold and the ants all laugh from inside their warm homes as the grasshopper is outside freezing his unprepared hoppers off.
This tale isn’t entirely accurate.
There’s nothing wrong with being a grasshopper, just don’t be an arrogant grasshopper. Do your work, of course, but keep in mind that life is to be lived and there’s nothing wrong with a dip in the pool once in a while. If you want to slow down, take the day off, and make love to another grasshopper, it’s okay to call in sick, put on a top hat, and have some fun.
Because the truth is, the end of the story for the ants and the grasshopper is exactly the same. But only one is going to die with a smile on their face.
So enjoy this book, enjoy some cheese, and better yet, enjoy your life.
HAVE YOU EVER SAT DOWN TO READ A BOOK AND SPENT THE FIRST TEN MINUTES TRYING TO FIND A COMFORTABLE READING POSITION AND WHEN YOU FINALLY DID YOU FELL ASLEEP? I HAVE …
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE
How much more do we have to do?!
We’re all working really hard. We’re doing stuff. We’re recycling. We’re letting people merge. We’re reading books and doing our best. So why isn’t it enough? Why do we all think that we should be doing more or at least stop being such total losers?
I blame social media, which is something I like to blame for almost everything lately, but in this case I think I’m accurate. Having a window to the entire world in the palm of our hand has created an unrealistic level of high expectations. Every time I pick it up I’m confronted with the same questions: “Are you killing it today?” “Are you 100 percent maxed out all the time?” “Are you living your best life?”
No. No, I’m not. I’m not doing any of those things. Because that’s not normal! I don’t care what The Rock’s Instagram says, it’s not normal.
You know what’s normal? How you feel right now, in your funny little gassy body. A little light-headed, kind of achy, worried about your bills, and worried about that thing you found on your ass. That’s normal. And it’s exhausting.
That’s normal, too. Being tired all the time, which I know you are, is expected.
Life is exhausting. You don’t need a 5-Hour Energy drink, you need to lie down once in a while.
And yet we beat ourselves up about it all the time. Every day I hear my friends complaining, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Every day around two o’clock in the afternoon, I get sooo tired. What’s wrong with me?”
There’s nothing wrong with you. You woke up in the dark, went off to a job you don’t enjoy, worked for five hours, ate a twenty-minute lunch, and now you need a nap and they won’t let you. So you’re forced to hide from your coworkers in the bathroom stall with your feet up, as you close your eyes for thirty seconds trying to get through the day without falling over.
This is hard. It’s hard being a person. You have to give yourself a break. Just the physical maintenance of you every day is endless. The nonstop brushing, cleaning, and wiping, hopefully every day, is enough to drive anybody mad. It’s like you are your own pet, and not everybody takes good care of their pet. You see a lot of people out there eating out of the garbage with their hair all matted and their collar missing.
Just the list of stuff you have to do to get out of the house is never ending. I saw a businessman in New York walking down Sixth Avenue. He was perfectly thought out and put together. Suit, tie, leather shoes that matched his briefcase. He had perfect teeth, glasses, and not a hair out of place. Only his fly was open and one of his testicles was sticking out!
I understood. He did everything on the list and just forgot that one item. There he was, on his way to a meeting or more likely on his way back from a meeting. That’s the thing about being an adult—nobody helps you. Nobody cares. They probably looked him right in the eye in that meeting and thought, “I’m not telling him, I’ve got my own problems. I think I might be wearing my wife’s underwear today, I don’t know what the hell happened this morning.”
His wife probably kissed him goodbye at the door, thinking, “What a jackass. Oh well, he’ll figure it out. If I have to see it, so should everybody else. It wouldn’t hur
t to get a little sun on that guy once in a while anyway.”
Nobody cares. We’re totally alone. Even the people closest to us get only so close. We’re really the only ones looking out for us. You have to give yourself little pep talks all day long, like a crazy person, because you’re the only one who really cares about you.
“I’ve got my wallet, I’ve got my cell phone, now where are my keys, where are my keys, here they are. Okay. It’s going to be a great day!”
The only difference between you and a crazy person is that they say it out loud on a busy street.
It’s hard to keep it all together, and that’s why we have to cut ourselves some slack. Just because you have nothing exciting to post on social media doesn’t mean that you don’t have anything going on. You always have a lot going on. Your life is enormous and meaningful, and documenting every minute of it will not make it more so.
And you don’t have to be happy all the time. You really don’t. Here’s a little secret for you: No one is happy all the time. Clowns run around pretending they are but then end up psychotic and never get invited to dinner parties.
The reality is, we get little moments of happy in a sea of misery. Human beings are uncomfortable most of the time and that’s how life works. We’re not always going to be happy, and we’re not always going to fit in. Life is a pair of skinny jeans and you are a big, fat ass.
But because of social media we think we’re lacking.
I read a report that people are becoming clinically depressed because they’re looking at other people’s lives and think that their life pales in comparison.
Calm down.
First of all, no one has a great life. No one. They’re posting pictures of the best moments in their life, with a filter, to make you feel shitty about yours. It’s a lie. Social media is like a photo album with all the bad parts taken out.
Everyone is posting gorgeous, well-lit pictures of their vacations, smiling in front of the Eiffel Tower or on a gondola in Italy. But notice that no one posts pictures of themselves stuck at baggage claim or trapped in the hotel for a week because the husband’s got diarrhea from a French tart he shouldn’t have eaten. But that’s happening, too, trust me.
Whenever I see couples posting about how in love they are, I know they’re in trouble. Anything with more than two photos and seven love emojis and you can bet that someone has screwed up. I mean, who are they doing it for? It’s not for us, we don’t care. It’s a weird level of public affection that makes Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch, screaming about how in love he was, seem normal.
But we all get caught up in it. You see people with money and fame and it’s easy to think, “What’s wrong with my life? Why don’t I live like that?” But the truth is, you don’t want that. That’s an illusion.
Remember when everyone was in awe of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? They were the perfect couple, living the perfect celebrity life that we were all supposed to emulate. But look at that life. You don’t want that. Their marriage is over, they’re fighting over the children, it’s rough stuff. But that was arrogance. You can’t put two perfect people in the same marriage and think it’s going to work. That’s never going to work. You have too many options.
If you want your marriage to last, you need a little funny looking in it. You need to look across the table and think, “Where are you going to go?” When you’re young and stupid you think you want a supermodel. No, you moron. You don’t want some beautiful woman asking to be taken to Europe. You want a girl with a crooked eye asking if you have jumper cables. That’s your girl. She’s a keeper.
A simple life is what wins in this world. A simple life. This is a life: You run out of toothpaste. You need more toothpaste. You tell yourself that for a week and a half. You’re stepping on it, squeezing it, pushing through the hole from the inside just to get a little on your brush so you don’t feel like a monster out in the world. When you finally remember to stop at CVS on your way home, and you slide that fresh tube out of that long box, you feel like a winner. You really feel like you did something.
Well, guess what? You did! You’re a champ and that’s a life. A really great life.
And you don’t have to post a thing about it.
HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO A FRIEND’S HOUSE, EATEN A SNACK OFF THE COUNTER, AND REALIZED THAT YOU JUST ATE THEIR DOG FOOD? I HAVE …
WE ARE FAN PEOPLE
It’s important in life to learn to go without. It’s a lesson that is best learned young as it will help you deal with a complicated and challenging life. You can learn this lesson many ways, but the easiest method is to have lived with my father.
My father didn’t believe in air conditioning, which means he didn’t want to pay for air conditioning, despite the fact that we lived in New Jersey, which is a punch line for a lot of reasons, but in the summer months it’s mainly because of the humidity. The air grows thicker than a wet army blanket and holds you down like a bully smothering you with his ass. New Jersey summer air is the reason air conditioning was invented, but honestly we knew nothing about it. We didn’t know it existed. How could we have? My father had cut us off from the civilized world like we were an ancient tribe in the Congo.
We were like the Yanomami tribe that I learned about in high school. The Yanomami were an isolated tribe in South America that never came in contact with the modern world, so they operated in their own reality. The men wore a stick around their penis as pants and a headband made of grass. Their idea of jewelry was poking and twisting their skin into blisters. Much like the people of the Yanomami tribe, we were ignorant of the ways of the modern world. I thought it was normal when every summer I would lie on the unfinished basement floor with my sisters as we pretended that we were slabs of beef in a meat locker. A lot of kids pretended they were Rocky. We pretended we were the meat.
Summer always seemed to catch my father by surprise. It was as if he had no idea during the spring that it would eventually get hotter. It wasn’t until one of those hot July nights when the trees started to sag and the mosquitoes were too hot to fly that he realized summer was here. It was time to gather the Fans.
The Fans were a series of cockeyed contraptions that he collected throughout the years from other men who lived by the fan. In his mind there were “Air -Conditioner People” and “Fan People.” We were Fan People. Air -Conditioner People wore ascots and leather loafers and ate clams casino served out of poor people’s cupped hands. They “summered” in the Hamptons and sailed around in yachts that poor people rowed. They were the type of people who saw a phone next to the toilet in a hotel bathroom and weren’t surprised.
Fan People lived by the earth. They barely used electricity and bought their cars used and never traded them in as long as there was a chance they could fix it themselves. They didn’t do crazy things like eat in restaurants and buy name-brand potato chips. They bought their home furnishings at garage sales and flea markets or, better yet, found them at the dump.
My father loved going to the dump. He made it a weekend activity for us. Something we could be proud of. I’d come back to school and hear how kids went to an amusement park or the beach. The teacher would ask what I did and I would say proudly, “I went to the dump!” I was unaware that other families didn’t consider that a fun activity.
Going to the dump meant gathering up all the garbage that the garbageman wouldn’t take. Some of it was too big to fit in the can. Some of it was made of dangerous materials that couldn’t go to the landfill. Some of it my father simply held off to the side just for the opportunity of making a visit to the dump.
“They probably won’t take this box of magazines, better start a pile for the dump,” he’d say while fighting back a smile.
We didn’t have a truck. We never had a truck. We lived in New Jersey and drove around in sedans. We were Fan People who drove sedans that are about as exciting as a pair of “slacks.”
I never liked my father’s cars. They were American made from the 1970s and 1980s, which
in car culture are known as “the shit years.” They had no shocks, so while my father was driving in one direction we would sway and bob in the other like a boat lost at sea.
They were the kinds of sedans that had carpet on the walls and cloth on the ceiling to create the feeling of a luxurious living room. The rug would get food stuck in it and the cloth would eventually detach from the ceiling and fall down around us, making it feel like we were driving through a theater curtain.
The main reason my father loved his sedan was because it had a giant American-size trunk that was perfect for the dump. We’d pack that Oldsmobile with stacks of newspapers, old National Geographic issues, bottles, and a lot of cans—Paint cans, soup cans, oil cans, even old gas cans with some gas still in them.
When the trunk was full he’d start filling up the back seat. A lot of times he’d have to put the windows down so the long stuff could stick out the sides, and it was my job to sit in the passenger seat facing backward so I could stop things like fireplace screens or roof shingles from flying out on the turns. I felt important whenever he gave me a job to do, but a job stopping stuff from flying out into traffic seemed extra important. I’d get in position as he started her up and backed slowly out of the driveway like a tugboat leaving the dock.
“Ooh, boy, this is some load today,” he’d say with pride. I’d reach in for a better grip.
The dump was really a giant trash compactor that sat in the back parking lot of the public swimming pool. It was a big beast of a machine that was fenced except for the opening where a man sat in a folding chair waiting for people to come. It was his job to decide what could be thrown in the compactor and what could not.
To a lot of people he was an anonymous public worker, but my father was on a first-name basis with him. My father enjoyed this honor the same way some people like knowing the maître d’ or the bartender at the local bar.