by Louise Bay
There was no point; whatever my heart might want, my logical brain couldn’t be convinced. I’d caught him in several lies, and after I’d told him how important honesty was to me. My heart twisted—walking away would be the hardest thing I’d ever done, but was exactly what I had to do.
I couldn’t be the woman I was with Louis, grasping for explanations, holding on to the impossible because I had to hold on to him at any cost. I would never be like that with a man again. I’d never be such a fool.
“Beth, please just wait a second,” he said as I handed my boarding pass and passport to the flight attendant. “Alicia came to the office and refused to leave unless I went to lunch with her. It was entirely unexpected, and I would have told you as soon as I saw you. I wasn’t hiding anything.”
Unable to digest what he was saying, I glanced up at him. I shouldn’t have. I could drown in those indigo eyes. They were misleadingly kind. I looked away, desperate to have some distance so I could keep my clear head. I needed to be in London. I’d debated going to a meeting before I left Chicago, but called my sponsor instead and cried for thirty minutes solid before I could explain to her what had happened. It’d felt surprisingly good to tell someone about it. How betrayed I felt. How much I loved him. How stupid I felt. How much I wanted it to have never happened. I didn’t say any of that when I’d called Jake after to tell him I was okay and on my way home.
I was going to be okay. I wasn’t going to drink, and I didn’t want him to worry if Dylan did something stupid and called him before I did.
My first instinct wasn’t to bury my feelings with alcohol, which was both shocking and comforting. What I wanted was to run home, not to get shitfaced. I guess that was what people called progress. I clung to that feeling as Dylan kept talking.
“Beth, please look at me. I need you to understand how sorry I am. I can explain it all. Can you just stay?”
I wanted to sink against his hard body and feel his arms smooth over my back, but I knew I couldn’t think about that, not now.
The flight attendant handed me my boarding pass and passport. I smiled and turned to Dylan.
“I believe you’re sorry that you got caught. At least I found out who you were before I got in too deep.” I walked way. It had been my turn to lie. It hadn’t happened before I got in too deep. I was way out of my depth and drowning.
Dylan shouted after me, “Beth, don’t say that. Don’t pretend you’re not in this as deep as I am. Please don’t leave.”
When I knew I was out of sight, I stopped. I couldn’t take another step. Crashing sideways into the wall, I slid to the floor, sobs shaking my body.
I cried because I felt foolish and I was embarrassed for having been so easily taken in. But most of all I cried because I’d never see him again.
I loved him. And I knew I’d love him for the rest of my life.
How long would it take for that to pass? I’d never fallen for anyone like I’d fallen for Dylan. He’d made all my previous encounters feel so meaningless. If only he could have been the man I thought he was.
When I heard footsteps behind me, I pulled myself up. Just a few more steps and I’d be on my way home and able to start rebuilding myself once more.
“I just got through security, and I can’t face public transport. I look like I’ve been crying for nine hours straight.” I wore my sunglasses despite the fact that it was the middle of a gray winter’s day.
“I could have come to get you. I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” Jake said.
I headed toward the taxi line. “Don’t be. I’m not in the mood for company. I just want to go home, shower and go to bed.”
“And you’ll come over for dinner tonight? You know if you don’t Haven will just come to you. If you come here at least you can leave when you want to.”
It was the last thing I wanted to do, but Jake was right; Haven would insist on coming over and I knew my brother would only worry if I stayed home and felt sorry for myself. “Okay. I’ll come to yours, but I’m not bringing anything. There’s no way I’m baking.”
“No, that’s fine.”
“Can you make sure you have cake? And ice cream?”
“You’ve met my carboholic wife. We have both at all times. We just never tell you about the store-bought cake in the fridge.”
I managed to smile slightly. “Okay, I’ll see you later.”
The journey to my flat passed in a nanosecond. Whether it was warp speed or sleep, I wasn’t questioning it. I just needed a shower and my duvet.
As I opened my purse Dylan’s scent hit me. The woodsy, masculine smell that his skin had, which was always so comforting. I couldn’t stop the tears as they rolled down my cheeks.
I stripped off what I was wearing and set the wash to hot, naked as the day I was born. I loved how comfortable Dylan was naked and how his attitude encouraged me to be more accepting of myself.
I needed a shower so I scooted into the bathroom, covering my chest with my crossed arms just as Dylan hated me to do. A good shower could cure almost anything.
I let water cascade over me, taking with it my tears. God, I’d not expected to come home like this. I’d let myself imagine that Dylan and I might have something special, something long term. How could I have been so wrong?
I turned off the faucet and wrapped myself in a towel. Someone was banging on my door. Haven?
I opened the door and stood, open-mouthed, as I came face-to-face with Dylan.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. I was pretty sure he hadn’t been on my flight.
“I need to talk to you. To explain.” His jaw was clenched and he looked tired.
I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it had all been a horrible dream or something. I wanted to rewind and pick up in the moment just before I left his brownstone, when my heart only ached at the thought I wouldn’t see him for three days. I didn’t want to be here, standing here in front of him, my heart in pieces.
I shook my head. “There’s nothing to say. You need to go.” I started to close the door but he put his hand out, stopping me. “Really? You’re going to force yourself into my apartment?”
He let go instantly and I shut the door, resting my forehead on the wood as I turned the lock.
“Beth, please. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me. I’ve seen Alicia twice since she called off the wedding. The first time was with you, then when she turned up to my office about thirty minutes before you came to the restaurant. I’m not making this up.”
I started to cry again. I so wanted to believe him. “What about Raine Media, Dylan? Why didn’t you tell me you owned it?”
I heard him sigh. “I don’t have an answer for you. Not a good one, anyway. Raf and I have some history with business and my exes, and I hadn’t told him you were involved in WCIL. It didn’t seem important, at first because we weren’t that serious, and then I never found the right words. Things were so perfect; I didn’t want to ruin it. I should have said something, but we were thinking about selling and I just didn’t want to complicate things, with him, with you. In the end I’ve just made things so much worse.”
He sounded sincere and I so desperately wanted to believe him. I wanted to hear about the business issues with his ex. Did he mean Alicia? But I didn’t want to give in to him. I didn’t want to be the weak woman I’d been with Louis. The woman who believed every lie because I didn’t trust myself. “Dylan, I can’t … I don’t know … You should go.”
“I love you, Beth.”
My heart urged me to tell him that I loved him, too, but my head wouldn’t allow it.
“I don’t think so. I need the people in my life to be completely honest with me. To be gentle with me. To act like they love me, not just use the words.” My heart felt like someone was ripping it into shreds. I’d finally opened up to someone and it was as if history was repeating itself.
“I know. I fucked up. I’m not good at this, but it’s new. And you don’t tell me everything, either. Can you tell me
you’ve shared everything about your ex?”
He was right. I’d never mentioned my pregnancy and the way Louis had told me to get rid of it.
“You don’t talk to me about your meetings or your sobriety.”
I couldn’t argue with him. Jake was the only one that really knew the ins and outs of my struggle to stay sober. Partly because it wasn’t much of a struggle anymore, but also because he’d seen me at my worst and loved me anyway. I knew he wouldn’t judge, or reject me. But was that comparable with what Dylan had kept from me? My head spun. I wanted him to be right, for us to be able to work through this, but I didn’t want to be made a fool of.
“We don’t know everything about each other. Not yet, Beth. But I want to hear all your stuff and I want to tell you all mine. I want all of you, and I want you to have all of me.”
“Please, Dylan, I can’t. You need to go. I need time.” I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to stay close until the pain passed.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” His voice was small and sad. Despite how I felt, I hated that.
“I don’t think so. I need some space. Some time to heal.” I wasn’t thinking rationally. It would be so easy to open the door and for him to say all the right things, but if I did that, we would never be the same—the trust had gone. A part of what we’d had was destroyed forever.
“Then let me help you, be there with you. Please, Beth, I can’t lose you.”
“You should have thought of that before you lied or hid what you knew would be important to me.”
“I’m not leaving London before I’ve made this right.” He sounded so certain that it was something he could do. But I wasn’t a business deal to be negotiated. Unless he could turn back time, I wasn’t sure how things could ever be right.
My stomach churned. Part of me desperately wanted to open the door and be pulled into his arms. My head was telling me to walk away. “I need you to leave. I’m going to get dressed.” I headed down the corridor, ignoring him as he called my name. I collapsed on my bed, my wet hair soaking the pillow, and began to sob.
Dylan
While Marie’s line rang, I stared out of the window onto the Georgian and Edwardian buildings of Portland Place. The views of the Georgian terraces from the Langham in London were very different from the views of the river from Beth’s hotel room in Chicago. But I knew Beth didn’t stay there for the view. It was all about the cakes and desserts. Even though I was in London, staying at the Langham brought me closer to her somehow.
“Marie, can you arrange to have my laptop couriered to me? And can you speak to Dawn and ask her to pack my things for a two-week trip? Also, send the luggage already in my hallway as well.” Dawn was my housekeeper who came in three times a week.
“You’re going to be in London two weeks?” Marie asked.
“I don’t know.” I’d stay for as long as it took. “But it will be as if I’m there. No need to cancel anything. I’ll do everything on video or phone. Can you put me through to Raf?”
“No problem.”
“Dylan, what’s going on?” Raf asked when he came on the line.
“I’m in London—”
“What the fuck? We’ve got that tech start-up coming in in an hour.”
“I know. I’ll dial in. Look, I think I’m going to be here a while, I just … I’ll handle everything from here. Marie is couriering my laptop and stuff to me. I can work remotely. You won’t notice I’m gone.”
“Of course I’m going to notice you’re gone. We have a mountain of work here, all these strategic plans to review. You never take vacations, so why the sudden trip? Are you trying to screw with me?” Raf and I rarely argued and the last thing I wanted was to fuck things up with him as well.
I took a deep breath. “I fucked things up with Beth and I need to set things straight.” Somewhere along the way, Raf and I had stopped talking about personal shit. He teased me about being celibate from time to time, and I made sure I told him he was a man-whore on a regular basis, but other than that, everything had been about business between us for a long time.
But now I needed a friend. “I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’ve lost her.”
Raf sighed. “What did you do?”
“What didn’t I do? She caught me having lunch with Alicia yesterday.”
“What do you mean caught you? I was there; Alicia forced you into having lunch with her. That wasn’t your fault.”
That wasn’t entirely true. “Yeah but I should have told Beth before I went. In fact, I just shouldn’t have gone.”
“You really like her, don’t you?”
“I love her, man.”
“Wow. Well, good for you. So lunch with an ex isn’t a great idea, but it’s not a capital offense as far as I can see. Can’t you just explain it to her?” Raf was very black and white. It was part of the reason his relationships never lasted. If only life were that simple.
“And then there’s Raine Media. I never got around to telling her we owned it.”
“You fucktard.” Raf had a knack of getting right to the heart of the problem. He hadn’t lost his touch. I was a fucktard.
The corners of my mouth twitched as if remembering how to smile.
“So when you told her, she went postal?”
I shrugged off my jacket. “If only. The Sun-Times ran an article about how she was sleeping with her boss.”
“Jesus, man, that’s how she found out?”
I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “That’s how she found out. She wants nothing to do with me and it’s killing me. I can’t leave London until I sort this shit out. I need you to cut me some slack. I’ll be able to get through loads of stuff in the mornings here while you’re still sleeping. I’m not going to leave you to hold the fort—I’m not that stupid.”
“I know it sounds weird, but I’m fucking ecstatic. I mean not that Beth wants nothing to do with you. That part blows. But the fact you care enough about someone to go after them? I wasn’t sure it would happen, and as much is it stings now, I’m pleased for you.”
Raf might be an asshole when it came to women, but he was a good friend. I’d missed this side of him. “She isn’t just someone, and I’m not just finally getting back on the horse. Whatever Alicia and I had doesn’t come close to what I feel for Beth.” I sat on the bed. “I feel like a fucking douche for hating Alicia for so long. She set me free. I couldn’t be more grateful, but if I don’t make it right with Beth, this is the woman I’ll never recover from.” Telling Raf was like going to confession; it felt good to explain the gravity of the situation.
“Then you gotta do what you gotta do. You’ve got plenty of weapons in your arsenal. She won’t be able to resist you for long.”
“I don’t know about that. Honesty is the most important thing for her, and I’ve just trampled on that. I don’t know if I can ever get her back.” A darkness tugged at my chest. Losing Beth forever was too painful to think about. She’d brought me to life, and I didn’t want to go back to an existence without her.
“Look, we’ve built our considerable fortunes on turning the shitty situations companies find themselves in into million-dollar opportunities. You’ve just got to apply the same planning and precision to your personal life. I know you can turn this around.”
Perhaps he was right. My instinct was just to camp on her doorstep and beg her forgiveness constantly. But maybe I needed to be slightly more strategic, a little more patient. Perhaps I needed to give her the time she’d asked for.
“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
“Anytime you need me to call you a fucktard, you know I’m here. Now fuck off, I’ve got a meeting to prepare for.”
I managed a half-chuckle. “I’ll call to you in the meeting.”
I hung up, and went straight to the phone on the low table by the sofa and dialed room service. Perhaps eating a lot of sugar would assist me in coming up with a plan to win around Beth, and get my life back.
I’d been in London a
little over two weeks, and I had something of a routine now. I got up and went for a run. On my way back through the hotel, I’d place an order for four cakes and desserts to go. Then I’d shower, grab my laptop and head down to collect the patisserie box. This morning, like the last fifteen before them, the doorman flagged me a cab.
A few minutes later, he’d drop me at the café across the street from Beth’s building, where I came every day. I’d not spoken to Beth; I was trying to be patient, but I was having a hard time of it. I missed her. I wanted some kind of reassurance that she’d forgive me, someday.
“An Americano with a chocolate biscotti?” the waitress asked.
“Yes, please.”
Beth left her building around ten every day. The first couple of times I’d seen her from my seat in the café, my heart had pinched as I took in her sad eyes and turned-down mouth. I’d taken joy from her and couldn’t have felt worse about it.
When I was sure she wasn’t coming back, I paid for my coffee and biscotti, then slipped inside her building to deliver my gift. The security guard had taken pity on me, and as long as I made my entrance when no one was looking, he was happy to let me in. I made my way up to her floor, taking in a deep breath in the hope of catching the scent of her hair.
The doors pinged open and I headed left toward her apartment. I set the box down on her welcome mat. The print of a giant pink cupcake on the mat always made me smile. I’d started to wonder if I should be leaving her a note along with the cakes. I didn’t want to push her, but I wanted her to know I was here.
I turned back to the elevator and pressed the down button. Sometimes I went back to the café, but lingering felt increasingly like I was stalking Beth. Today I’d just go back to the hotel. I’d set up a virtual office there, and I had a day of calls that would take me late into the London night.
As the doors to the elevator opened, I came face-to-face with Beth.
She took my breath away. Her smooth, pale skin with the flash of red lipstick contrasted so perfectly with her almost black hair. But there was an unfamiliarity in her eyes that was like a knife to my chest.