‘Julia? Are you alright? You’re as white as a sheet,’ he said, picking up the mug and taking it over to the sink.
All Julia could feel was crushing despair. That fraction of a second when she thought she had seen Duncan had undone months of recovery.
Tony crouched down beside her and took her hand.
‘What’s happened; tell me.’
‘I saw you walk past the window; I thought you were my husband.’
Tony looked back at the coat he had borrowed and swore under his breath.
‘Oh Julia, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think. I seem to have lost my coat and I wanted to go outside to see what the weather was like.’
‘It’s OK; don’t worry. It was just a shock, that’s all.’
Tony stood up and patted her on her shoulder.
‘Let me make you another cup of tea.’
‘No, please; I think I’ll just go up and get dressed. I need a few minutes to get my head together.’
Julia went upstairs and when she got to her bedroom she slipped under the duvet and pulled it over her head. Her eyes were hot with unshed tears, but she couldn’t cry. Too exhausted with the process of grief, she curled up into the foetal position and prayed for peace.
Two hours later she awoke to the sound of someone knocking on the door. She pushed back the duvet, unsure of how long she had been asleep. The door opened hesitantly, and she was surprised to see Marianne standing there carrying two steaming mugs.
‘I made you some tea,’ Marianne said. She sat down on the edge of the bed facing Julia. ‘Tony told me what happened. Are you OK now?’
‘Oh God, I feel so stupid,’ Julia replied, looking at her bedside clock and realising how long she had left Tony downstairs on his own. ‘Poor man; it wasn’t his fault. He must feel awful.’
‘Don’t be silly. He was telling me how he would often think he saw his wife around the town, long after she had passed away. He knows how it feels.’
‘I suppose. But look at the time, I really should get up and start looking after my guest.’
‘He’s fine. He’s downstairs talking to Brian and the girls; telling them all about Sicily. I bought your coats and your drinks bag back from the Town Hall. You left them there when the ambulance came.’
‘Oh thank you. At least he won’t need to borrow Duncan’s coat again.’
Julia came downstairs twenty minutes later to find that Marianne had made everyone drinks and had set out some homemade cakes she had brought along. Julia hurried over to Tony and gave him a hug, to show that she was OK. He smiled, and kissed her cheek in reply.
‘So, what are everyone’s plans for today?’ Julia asked, as she helped herself to more tea and a piece of fruit cake. She glanced out of the window and noticed that the storm had moved on.
‘I think I might just take it easy today,’ Tony said, ‘I’ve got some writing I need to catch up on.’
‘We’re going round to see baby Charlie soon. We’re babysitting tonight,’ Marianne said, looking smug with pleasure.
‘I see; well I think I might just have a quiet day too.’
Marianne and her family left half an hour later and Julia was left alone with Tony. He went upstairs to retrieve his laptop and then made himself comfortable at the kitchen table. Julia fetched her iPad and did likewise, after making some more tea. They sat there in companionable silence for most of the afternoon.
Later on, Julia left Tony to carry on writing while she made something for their dinner. While they ate, they talked about his new book, and then moved on to the subject of their children. The atmosphere had lifted, and Julia felt a sense of calm and optimism by the time the evening came along.
Tony had put his laptop away and they settled down to watch television. The weather had become a little coarser, but with the curtains drawn and the solid fuel fire burning peats in the corner, the lounge was warm and cosy.
As they sat on the same sofa together, with a tartan blanket over their legs, Julia realised they must look like some old married couple. She had often sat in a similar position with Duncan over the years. She smiled at the memory and turned to look at Tony who had nodded off.
She leaned over to wake him up.
‘Maybe you should go up to bed now; you need to rest after your surgery.’
Tony smiled, and yawned. ‘Maybe I should. I’ve enjoyed this evening, thanks. It’s a long time since I did anything so ordinary; and I mean that in a good way. I either seem to spend my evenings alone, or “entertaining.” Neither of which is as much fun as simply hanging out with a friend. I could get used to this.’
‘So could I,’ Julia replied smiling, before realising there could be a double meaning to this.
She stood up quickly and folded up the tartan blanket and draped it over the back of the sofa. She walked over to the fire and made sure the door was secured firmly. Then she walked out to the back door to lock it, not that there was any need to, but she suddenly felt anxious.
What had he just implied? “I could get used to this.” When she walked back to the lounge he had already gone upstairs to bed. She hurried up to her own room and called out goodnight to him. He replied in Italian, with a hint of amusement in his voice.
Julia got into bed, but sat up, leaning against the headboard, thinking about Tony. He was a lovely man. He was kind, thoughtful, funny, clever, and rather good looking for his age. He was fifty eight; she knew that now from seeing his hospital notes, although he did not seem that much older than her. He had aged well considering how much time he spent in the sun. She liked talking to him and she knew that Tony seemed to enjoy her company just as much. She had thought he had only come over to Shetland for Up Helly Aa, but now she wondered whether it was also because of her. Julia didn’t know how to process that idea.
She fell asleep dreaming about Sicily.
Over the next few days Julia and Tony either lazed around her house or they went out for a drive under the pretence of sightseeing, but quite often just to go somewhere to have lunch or dinner. Tony was still tired after his operation although he was clearly on the mend. But a week after he had been discharged from hospital he decided that he really needed to get back to Sicily and so he booked his flights and got ready to leave.
Julia drove him down to the airport and after he had checked his bag in they sat in the waiting area.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ Tony said seriously.
Julia didn’t reply for a moment. She watched a couple walking past, hand in hand, on their way to a quieter part of the airport.
‘I’ll see you again; I’ve decided I should come over again this October. It’s a great time to take a holiday; the last chance for sunshine before the winter.’
‘Well you must stay with me. I insist. There’s plenty of room in my villa, for you and your family. It would be great to see you. This has been a momentous holiday in more ways than one. I’m going to make some changes to my life. I’m going to get out more; live a little, and if I have less time for writing, well so what, life’s too short to spend it at a desk.’
Julia nodded enthusiastically. She rested her hand on his arm for a moment.
‘That’s very true. But you must finish your new book. I want to see how our character turns out.’
‘Ha, well, yes. I will finish that one. But I’m going to take a break after that, and maybe spend some quality time with my new grandchild. This will be a new phase of my life.’
Tony started to pat down his pockets, nervously checking for his tickets and passport, and then he switched off his mobile phone. He looked up at the departures board and then relaxed again.
‘I think it’s time to move on,’ he said, turning to Julia. ‘It’s time to stop thinking of myself as this tragic widower, and start to think about sharing my life with someone else. I’ve spent far too much time on my own.’
‘I don’t think of you as a tragic figure at all; but then again, I never knew you as a married man.’
Tony nodded. ‘Tha
t’s why it has been great getting to know you. I‘ve been able to be myself with you; there’s no baggage.’
‘Baggage?’ Julia repeated. ‘I don’t think of Duncan as baggage as such, but I suppose he is in a way. I’m weighed down by my emotions, and maybe always will be. It is a kind of baggage, isn’t it?’
‘Indeed, and unfortunately there are no restrictions on the weight we allow ourselves to carry around. Unlike the airlines,’ Tony said, waving his hand in the direction of the check-in desk. ‘We should treat our emotional baggage much like a cut-price airline and restrict what we carry around with us. We don’t do ourselves any favours by holding on to grief. It’s very heavy.’
‘Do we have any choice?’ Julia replied. She had never thought about whether she had any option but to spend the next few months and years in sorrow.
‘I think we have more choice than we imagine. It may not feel that way in the beginning, but we can decide how to process grief.’
Julia wasn’t sure she agreed with him, but she decided to give his idea some thought later on.
23
Julia felt rather low as she drove home from the airport. She had enjoyed Tony’s company, and she had no wish to go home to an empty house. She looked at her watch and contemplated going to see Marianne, but remembered that Marianne had mentioned that she would be busy with her family that night. Instead she decided to stop off to see Cameron under the pretext of discussing the purchase of the apartment for Jamie. Not that she really needed an excuse to go and visit him. She had been so busy with Tony that she hadn’t seen Cameron for ages. It had been over two weeks since Up Helly Aa.
Julia opened the front door and stepped into the vestibule and knocked on the inner door. It was opened almost instantly by Cameron who smiled hesitantly at her and then looked over her shoulder as if he expected her to be with someone else.
‘I just dropped Tony off at the airport. He’s well enough to travel home now,’ she said.
‘That’s good.’ Cameron replied; turning and walking towards the kitchen.
Julia followed him and watched as he picked up the kettle, the automatic response to a visitor, and yet, somehow Julia sensed she was not particularly welcome.
‘I just thought I would come round and see how we’re fixed for buying your apartment for Jamie. He’s definitely keen on it, and has been to see the bank about getting a mortgage, which won’t be a problem at all.’
‘Oh yeah, sure,’ Cameron said vaguely, as he pottered around the kitchen making coffee. He had yet to make eye contact with her, which Julia found disconcerting, but she couldn’t think what was wrong.
‘Did I tell you that Bryden is definitely moving back to Shetland, so he’s going to be living in Alice’s old house? I’m going to try and get it ready for him over the next few weeks. That will keep me busy I guess.’
Julia stopped speaking; she had been rambling on about things he already knew. She was standing beside the fridge and in Cameron’s way when he wanted to get the milk. She stepped aside, feeling the sudden chill as the fridge door opened, which seemed equal to the frosty vibes that Cameron was giving off.
‘Is everything alright?’
‘Er, yeah, just a busy week at work; glad it’s Friday,’ Cameron said, unconvincingly.
‘I’m sorry; I should have rung you before I came round. I was just passing and I haven’t seen you in ages. I was wondering how things were going with Laura now.’
‘Haven’t you heard? She was arrested for drunk-driving the other day. She had Amy in the car with her.’
‘Oh my God. Is Amy OK? She didn’t have an accident did she?’
‘No, thankfully. Someone grassed up her up and the police stopped her before anything could happen.’
‘Silly bitch,’ Julia said, feeling some relief that Cameron’s bad mood was not directed at her. Cameron did not offer any further comment about Laura and after a moment of awkward silence Julia changed the subject back to the apartment.
Cameron handed her a mug of coffee and then he coolly discussed the progress of the apartment and when he thought Jamie would be able to move in. He seemed a little more comfortable talking about business, but once that was finished, Julia decided to leave.
‘Well thanks for that, and the coffee. I had better get home now. I’ll see you soon.’
Cameron walked to the front door and stood watching as she got into her car, but he had gone inside before she turned the key. She drove off feeling very uncomfortable; and not convinced that his bad mood was solely down to Laura’s arrest.
The next few weeks Julia kept herself busy making Alice’s cottage even more comfortable for Bryden. She bought new kitchen utensils and crockery. She visited the furniture shops in Lerwick and looked at sofas and other furniture, but stopped short of buying anything when she realised that her taste was probably not the same as her son’s, and that she really ought to stop interfering.
She spent her evenings reading, or chatting to Tony via Facebook. He had been to visit his doctor back in Italy and was feeling much better. His son and daughter had been delighted to see him again and he was now busy getting his little holiday villa ready for his daughter to move into later that year. Julia was amused at the symmetry of their lives; until one night when he dropped a bombshell.
I have got a date! A lovely woman named Rosaria; she’s divorced with two teenage boys. A friend of Maria’s – wish me luck. Tony wrote in a private message on Facebook.
Julia gasped with surprise when she read this. She wrote back, good for you. I hope you have a lovely time x. But even as she typed she couldn’t help think she had been reading the situation wrong. Hadn’t Tony been hinting at the possibility of a relationship with her? All his talk of missing her and implying that she had changed his life for the better. What had that been about?
Tony replied immediately: It’s all thanks to you. You’ve given me the confidence to make a fresh start. Thanks x.
Julia logged off her iPad and went to bed feeling confused, and a little jealous. Not that she had any romantic feelings towards Tony, but she had a feeling that their special friendship would be altered if Rosaria became a permanent fixture.
Julia lay in bed contemplating the men in her life. Whilst Tony might have been open about his new relationship, Cameron had maintained complete silence on any matter since she had been to see him a few weeks ago. She hadn’t had so much as a text from him. It was very strange. She started to feel the tentacles of loneliness grappling at her heart again. It really didn’t take much to bring her down these days. But she remembered what Tony had said to her at the airport before he left and started to wonder if she could choose to react differently.
She decided to try and take a more positive attitude and to get on with her life without relying on these two men; neither of whom could adequately replace Duncan in her affections.
The next morning Julia rang the Social Work office to chase up her application to become a foster carer. She was told that she would find out by mid-April, but she had been recommended to the panel, so it was almost a formality.
Whilst Julia was delighted with this news, there was one dark shadow on the horizon. She turned over the page on the calendar and ignored the photograph of the cute otter cubs playing on the beach. Her attention was drawn instantly to Tuesday 11th April, the first anniversary of Duncan’s death. Bryden would be starting work in Duncan’s old job on the Monday. There was a curious symmetry to these events, but not one that gave her any comfort.
She thought back to her last morning with Duncan and recalled how he wished their sons would come home to Shetland one day. Well, his own death had facilitated Bryden’s return. He had also expressed concern over Jamie’s long hours as a newly qualified doctor. That would all change too, when Jamie took up his studies for his PhD in immunology. Duncan had got his wishes, but he was not here to appreciate it.
Julia wondered what they could do to mark this date. Bryden would be in Shetland already, so she wondered ab
out asking Jamie if he could come home that week as well. It was time to hold some kind of memorial service. Her residual memories of the funeral were full of tension and fear, and not the fitting tribute to Duncan she had wanted.
She sent Jamie and Bryden text messages to ask for their opinions on what would be the best way to celebrate their father’s life. They had less than two weeks to organise something. Bryden would be busy packing up his flat in Edinburgh and saying goodbye to his friends and colleagues. He was due to come home in a few days.
Julia decided to go and see if Marianne had any ideas. She hadn’t seen Marianne for ages, as she was always either busy at work, or with her grandson Charlie. Julia got in her car and drove to the care home.
Marianne was on the phone when she arrived so Julia went to the day- room to see some of the elderly residents who had been living at the care home for a few years. They were delighted to see her again and she spent a few minutes catching up on everyone’s news. Marianne came to find her and they returned to her office and closed the door.
‘I don’t suppose you came here looking for a job did you?’ Marianne asked optimistically. ‘I was just trying to get some cover for the night shift. Morag has the flu and Beth’s on holiday and Jack’s wife just had a baby so we’re short for the next few days.’
‘Actually, I probably could help out, but I don’t think you’ll get Personnel to agree; I would need to have a criminal records check done again.’
‘But you must have had that done again for your fostering application. I might ask if that is acceptable.’
Julia shrugged. She knew how bureaucratic and unbendable the rules were; she doubted they would allow this, despite her thirty years nursing experience and not so much as a speeding ticket on her criminal record.
Marianne sighed in despair, realising it was pointless to pursue this option.
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