by Mary Wood
‘Aye, I think so, lass. If it’s owt like the last lot, it won’t be very nice. But then it’s right as this one could be worse, cos it’s likely it’ll be fought at home as well as abroad. So God above knows what we’re in for. Anyroad, sit down a minute, lass, and tell me. Are you sure you are doing the right thing? Is it just talk of war that’s spurring you on, and the fact that you’ve been Billy’s girl, so to speak, since you were little? What I mean is: don’t you think as what you feel for him might just be a feeling as you’d have for a brother?’
‘No. No, of course not. I – I love him. I – I don’t know when it happened that our childhood love turned to a true, deep love, but one day it did.’ Averting her gaze from her granna’s knowing look, Sarah tried to cover the lies she felt forced to tell. Yes, she had some feelings for Billy. How could she not? They’d grown up together, had been inseparable as children and, even after what he’d done, there was no chance of him not being in her life. His mam, Aunt Megan, had become her stepmother. It was expected of her that she would visit him, but if Billy and his mam, and Sarah and her dad, had gone their separate ways then maybe . . .
As it was, whenever she’d visited Billy with Aunt Megan and her dad, they had always allowed her and Billy to go off together around the grounds. In her innocence, she’d continued in the same easy way they were used to with each other, her own temper often keeping his in check and making him laugh. But then, as they got older, Billy had become serious about their relationship, obsessive, even. And she had become more and more afraid of him. The threats he aimed towards his mam were the main reason why she’d allowed things to drift and herself to become looked on as Billy’s girl. Now, she was trapped by fear.
‘That were a big sigh, lass. You knaw as you can tell your granna owt, don’t you?’
‘Aye, I do, granna. Eeh, I’m being silly. The war has speeded things on a bit for us, and I – I didn’t expect to be preparing for me wedding so soon, but, well, it – it’s given Billy a chance at freedom, and we said we’d marry when that happened, so I’m glad. Happy . . . well, just a bit nervous, that’s all.’
‘Eeh, lass, lass. I just don’t want you making a mistake. You’re only nineteen. It’s very young to be wed. You don’t seem to have had much chance to meet other young men, to even compare them with Billy.’
‘I’ve met a few, Granna. There were a lot of young men on the accountants’ course, and then I’ve known Richard and Mark.’
‘Aye, Bridget’s lads. By, I reckon as Richard’s allus been sweet on you.’
‘Granna, I have to go. I’ve to unpack this lot and get sorted for Aunt Megan coming home. And you shouldn’t be on with talking like that – Richard’s my step-uncle, and he’d be mortified if you thought him taking an interest in me were anything other than caring about me in the same way he cares about us all.’ Trying to hide the blush that had overcome her, Sarah busied herself repacking the headdress. ‘Granna, please don’t talk of such notions in Billy’s hearing. You know how jealous he can get.’
Her heart thudded at the thought, because an occasion came back to her when she’d mentioned Richard and Mark visiting for a weekend. Billy had thrown a fit at the thought of Sarah in their company, making threats that had some danger in them, as did all of his ranting. Nothing he said in anger could be taken lightly, and she couldn’t bear Richard or Mark to suffer at his hands.
Because of this, she’d never allowed herself even to think of either of them in any other way than as friends. Easy to do with Mark, but when it came to Richard, she had to admit she’d had longings. She’d never tell her granna, though, and she’d hide them forever in a secret part of her heart. But then again, she supposed every girl would have such thoughts about Richard. He was so handsome, and so different in his looks. He took after his grandfather – what was his name . . . ? Will – Will Hadler. Yes, that’s what her granna had told her, on one of the many occasions Issy had discussed that side of her younger days. Funny how it all turned out, with her granna knowing Richard’s grandparents and mam. Anyway, what she felt for Richard was only a fancy. A silly thing, really. She was Billy’s girl and always had been.
‘You’ve gone quiet, lass. What’s troubling you, cos I know as sommat is on your mind, and now’s the time to speak up, afore it’s too late.’
Granna was getting too close to subjects that Sarah didn’t want to tackle. ‘I’m fine, really, Granna. And I’m very happy to be marrying Billy. Now, you finish your rest and I’ll take me parcels up to my room. I’ll see you at dinner.’ Giving her granna a quick kiss, she avoided the hug Issy tried to give her. It would have been her undoing.
Once in the hall, Sarah breathed a sigh of relief. The prying love of her granna had made the feelings she’d managed to suppress rise up and threaten her peace of mind. Closing the door on her granna didn’t put an end to those emotions.
When she reached her bedroom, the bed accepted her into its soft embrace as she sank down into the feather eiderdown and lay back on the pillow. Stinging tears hovered below the lids of her closed eyes.
Three weeks – the time it took to post the banns – and, no matter what, she would be Billy’s wife. That’s what they had arranged; or rather, it was what she’d gone along with. With Billy’s imminent release, and his enlistment, that had seemed the sensible thing to agree to. But how was she going to face it? How?
9
Megan, Sarah & Billy
Family Tensions
With her family all around her and Billy home, Megan should have felt at peace, but tension sizzled in the drawing room, where they all milled around trying to enjoy a pre-dinner drink.
Jack hovered close to her, seeking answers to questions that he asked only with his eyes, where his concern for her showed. But she couldn’t give him any answers. Who knew how this welcome-home party that she’d arranged for Billy would go; and no, she was not all right! And neither was anyone else, by the way they all tried to make it look and sound as though they were.
Issy didn’t help the situation, trying to cover her discomfort by fussing over everything and in the process driving Fanny – and the help Fanny had brought with her – to distraction. ‘Eeh, Megan, lass,’ she’d said a million times, ‘what possessed you to have this do so soon?’
Looking over at Sarah increased the worry that was niggling at Megan. The poor lass looked as wound up as a coil of wire – held together, but ready to unravel and fall into an untidy mess at any moment. And then there’s me mam, acting as though she’s on hand to save me from hurt, no matter what; and with Edward in tow, as if to do the same for mam.
In another corner of the room, Megan’s two half-brothers Richard and Mark stood trying to make conversation with Billy, but although he was jubilant at being free, he was surly with them. For what reason, she didn’t know. They’d never done him any harm. Billy’s attitude to her, she could understand. He’d never really forgiven her, and had let her know in no uncertain terms that she’d done the wrong thing in arranging this coming-home celebration. ‘Christ, Mam,’ he’d said, ‘what were you thinking? I don’t want to be with all the so-called long-lost relations, when I’m just out of that bloody institution. I wanted a quiet weekend to get used to this new place, and to being with Sarah and all of you. You’ve bloody got no idea. You always did mess things up, and you haven’t changed, have you?’
His scowl bored into her, and she sensed that something awful was about to happen. Looking at the clock offered her some relief. The time was approaching when the rest of their guests would arrive.
Sarah caught Megan’s eye and responded with a smile, but it did nothing to settle Megan. She so wished Hattie would come soon. Hattie would sort everything out. She always did. She had a knack for making things right when they weren’t.
And there would be the distraction of Hattie’s husband, Harry, too. Good, dependable Harry. He always brought a calming influence, which hopefully Billy would respond to.
Hattie was bringing young Sal
ly, and Phyllis and Daisy, with her, so the atmosphere should improve as the room filled with everyone’s chatter. These thoughts eased Megan’s fears a little, but she still harboured some doubts. She knew Billy would be okay with Sally, as he’d known her from childhood and, like them all, felt deeply for all that Sally had been through. But she did wonder if he would be respectful with Phyllis and Daisy, or even with Hattie for that matter, despite knowing that he’d get short shrift from her if he tried anything.
Phyllis and Daisy’s past, working as prostitutes – and now being a couple – would give Billy plenty to deride. Megan couldn’t see him looking beyond their situation and seeing the lovely women they were. Oh dear, what have I done? Billy was right – I should never have thought this welcome-home party a good idea.
When the doorbell rang, Megan jumped, and she flew towards it as if propelled by wings. Hattie instantly made her laugh. ‘Eeh, it’s that cold out here, your breath catches in your lungs. Hey, Megan. By, that’s a warm welcome – you at the door before I let go of the knocker. Makes me feel like I’m Queen Victoria or sommat.’
Issy, ready as usual with a quip, came up behind Megan. ‘Well, that ain’t a good way to feel, Hattie, seeing as she’s been dead this thirty-odd year and more. By, it’s good to see you. Come on in, lass. Thank goodness you’re here. This one’s like a cinder girl on hot coals.’
Megan didn’t ask what a cinder girl was, but was glad Issy was being Issy at this moment. It took everyone’s attention, and stopped her from grabbing Hattie like the lifesaver she thought she was.
‘Reet, I gather it’s not going as well as you’d hoped, Megan, love? Never mind, reinforcements have arrived. It were bound to be strained, but the more people you have to break things up a bit, the better. Is Billy playing up?’
‘Well, he’s not reet pleased with me for arranging this, and at the moment he’s taking it out on Richard and Mark. Oh, Hattie. What have I done?’
‘Never mind that – it’s done now, so let’s get on with it, love. Take our coats and let’s get in.’
As they entered the room, Hattie said to Sally, ‘Right, lass, go and greet Billy like a long-lost friend. I know you only met him a couple of times, but after you’ve said hello and how nice it is to see him, get the lads talking and I’ll take over with Billy. Go on, lass. He won’t bite.’
As if she hadn’t orchestrated it, Hattie went to Bridget and Edward first, hugging them before saying, ‘Well, I have to greet the lad whose honour we are all here for, so I’ll be back with you in a mo. Billy! Come here, lad. Eeh, it’s good to have you back with us. Look at you – you remind me of that picture of your great-grandma, Bridie. I was only looking at it the other day in your locket, wasn’t I, Megan? It’s your eyes. They’re Irish eyes. By, you’ve made a handsome young man! Now, how are you?’
Like magic, the atmosphere eased as Sarah joined Hattie and Billy. Megan was puzzled as to why Sarah hadn’t stood with Billy when he was talking to Richard and Mark, instead of letting the situation get as it had; but knowing Sarah, she’d have her reasons. No matter, everyone seemed happier now.
‘Are you all right, Megan, dear?’
‘Yes, Mam, I am now. Sorry, love. Things were a bit—’
‘There, that’s better. Now, I think I deserve a drink.’ Hattie had come up to them and didn’t give them a chance to continue.
‘You do, Hattie, love. Ta for that. Reet, let’s start to enjoy ourselves. Jack, see to the drinks whilst I go and see what Issy and the others are up to with the food. Be back with you in a mo, Mam. Don’t worry, everything is all right now.’
When Megan showed them all into the dining room a few moments later, it was with pride. She’d picked the longest of the downstairs rooms to convert for this purpose the moment they had settled into this grand house. She’d found it to be the only room in which she could fit a table long enough to seat all of her family and friends. At the far end of the room, glass doors opened onto the garden, creating lots of light, which reflected off the summer blue in which she’d had the walls painted. The curtains were white with dark-blue cornflowers adorning them, and the carpet matched the colour of the flowers.
The table looked grand, set with her best china. That, too, had a cornflower pattern on it. The overall picture was one of calm and elegance. A fire, huge and spitting resin from the burning logs, gave warmth to the scene. As she sat down, with everyone in the place allocated to them, her nerves eased. By, it’s sommat an’ all, me entertaining like this.
Though she’d done it many times over the years since their good fortune, she never got used to it, and each time it gave her a special feeling. Looking at her family, now chatting easily, she thought everything was going to go well, and she’d been silly to think otherwise.
Billy ate his hot soup. He looked around as he did so. What a load of codswallop. His mam was the worst, acting like she was a lady or sommat. Christ, if his dad were here, he’d put her in her place. All this fancy stuff – and at the cost of his dad’s life. And his own, for that matter, as they’d both suffered because of his mam’s actions. Carrying on as she did, building a nest-egg behind his dad’s back, and all with the intention of leaving him. Once she’d achieved that, all hell had been let loose when his dad found them.
The memory shuddered through Billy as he looked at his Uncle Jack. He’d always loved Jack, and it had been trying to save his life that had led to all that happened. Aye, and it were all me mam’s fault that I killed me dad. Oh God!
‘So, Billy, I know you’ve only been home a few days, but how are you finding it?’
Edward was supposedly his step-granddad, but he wasn’t anything like a real grandpa, though Billy could say as the ‘grand’ bit was spot-on – too grand for the likes of them. Still, Edward wasn’t a bad bloke.
He’d not let any of them off the hook, though. He’d tell it as it was. ‘It’s strange, to tell the truth. It don’t seem like I belong here at the moment. When I left, we lived in a flat above a shop, having just left me dad in our miner’s cottage, and now I’ve come back to this! Takes a bit of getting used to.’
His step-granddad nodded and smiled, but Issy butted in. ‘Eeh, you soon will, lad. I feel as though I were born to it. By, I can be reet posh if I want to be.’
It sickened him how they all laughed as Issy, the old bag, lifted her little finger off her spoon and held it in the air, like she thought it gave her airs and graces or something. She always did think she could solve everything by making a crack.
Billy didn’t join in with the laughter as it all looked false from where he sat. His anger unleashed some of the bitterness he felt at the way they all acted. ‘Aye, but there is a saying as you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, and there’s a few of them here today, I reckon.’ He enjoyed the silence that fell. Sarah tapped his leg with her foot, but then she had a side to her as well, like she’d forgotten how it all used to be. Well, he was of a mind to remind them, and he’d start with them as were no better than the scum on the street. ‘So, it ain’t as if you’ve forgotten the selling yourself days, then?’ He looked at Hattie, then Phyllis and lastly at Daisy, before turning to his mam. ‘And you, Mam. You must remember how it was, when you were deceiving me da—’
‘Billy! None of this is called for, lad. It’s reet as things have changed since you went away, but everyone here deserves what they now have and how their lives are better than they were, so however bitter you feel about things, they can’t be undone. We all did the best we could.’
‘You did, Uncle Jack, and perhaps you, Granddad Edward – you tried, though you forgot about me in the last few years. But the rest of you, especially—’
‘Don’t even say it, Billy. You’ve nowt to pull any of us up for. Nowt. And I’ll not have you trying.’
Billy had had enough. His chair clattered to the floor as he rose. The sound cut off the sound of his Aunt Hattie’s ranting. She had a lot to talk about. She was nothing but a prostitute in her past, and
you couldn’t wipe that from your slate.
As he walked out, slamming the door behind him, he felt something eating him up inside. They all acted as if he’d been the only bad ’un, when in fact he were the only one as had paid for what he’d done. All the others had been rewarded.
Breaking into a run thwarted the cold that chilled his shirt-sleeved torso. The late-November air held a damp mist. Turning towards Breckton, Billy planned to run the four miles to the town and go into the pub for a few beers. He checked his back pocket. Aye, his wallet was there, and he had a pound note tucked in it – Sarah had given it to him for his journey home, but he’d not needed it. After he’d visited the recruiting office with that lawyer bloke – a condition of his release – the man had given him a lift home. That had turned out to be an experience in itself, as the man’s motor car had been a revelation to him. Thinking of it made Billy regret his outburst. Hadn’t he meant to be on his best behaviour so as to please Jack and his mam in the hope that, when he asked, they would agree to let him have a motor of his own? Well, he’d blown that. And Sarah wouldn’t be pleased with him, either. Oh, bugger the lot of them. He’d drown them out in a few pints.
‘Sarah, don’t worry. He’ll just have gone off to the pub or something. He’ll find it difficult to settle for a while. It’s to be expected.’
Richard’s voice, coming from behind her, had Sarah wiping her tears, embarrassed that he might see her cry. She’d grabbed her coat and run outside after Billy, but hadn’t been able to stop him. She turned from the gate to face Richard. Her heart leapt at the sight of him standing on the path, framed by the fading light of the late-evening sun. Tendrils of his hair fell forward onto his forehead. His beautiful liquid-blue eyes held hers. Her mouth dried. She had no conscious awareness of either of them moving, and yet his body came so close to hers that she could smell the freshness of his crisp white shirt and feel his warm breath brushing her face as he spoke her name. ‘Sarah . . . I – I have to tell you: I have feelings for you. I—’