by Mary Wood
Through eyes misted with tears, she set about carrying out her plans. Some two hours later, and with a cup of tea by her side and pencil and paper ready to make out a shopping list, she felt better and more positive about the future. She refused to allow her thoughts to mull over anything, now that she wasn’t being active.
The rattle of the door knocker made her jump, and then the sound of Richard calling out almost froze her to the spot.
‘Hello there.’
He’d opened the door and entered without waiting to be invited to do so, but where had he come from?
‘How does it feel to be a little housewife then? Oh, sorry. Did I startle you?’
‘Yes, you did. I – I wasn’t expecting anyone. How did . . . ? I mean, what are you doing here?’ It was as if she’d conjured him up! The thumping of her heart against her ribs hurt. The sight of him hurt.
‘I’m on my way from Glasgow to Biggin Hill. A bit of a detour, but I wanted to see you before it all starts. The fighting, I mean. I’m a fully qualified pilot now; I just need lots more practice and then I may see some action. So I couldn’t go without seeing you. Is Billy . . . ?’
‘No. No, he ain’t here. He’s due back in a couple of days. He’s got a posting an’ all, so—’
‘Are you all right? You look dreadful. Has something happened?’
Richard’s concern undid her. The tears she’d fought overwhelmed her as she told him of her granna’s passing. Somehow, in the telling, she found herself in his arms. His lips kissed little caresses into her hair and onto her face, his voice soft and full of love.
‘I’m so sorry, my poor darling, my love.’
Nothing in her wanted to stop this. It seemed right, as though it was where she was meant to be. Instead, she clung to him and drank in all that he was.
‘Try to think of her at peace now, in a better place. If I know Issy, these last weeks have been hell for her. It was awful to think of her as Mother told me she was, but then I did hope to see her one more time before she passed away.’
‘I know, you’re right. It ain’t as I would have her suffer any longer, but she were everything to me.’
‘I’ll always be here for you, my darling.’
‘Oh, Richard!’ She pulled out of his arms. ‘We can’t. I – I mean, it ain’t right. I’m married. I couldn’t have done anything else.’
‘Why? Why did you marry him, when you knew how I felt and knew how you felt for me? I don’t understand, and maybe in a way it is why I am here. I need to understand, Sarah, please.’
What could she say? That she’d married Billy out of fear of what he might do if she didn’t? Was that even true any more? Yes, she’d been afraid of him, and that fear had been compounded on their wedding night, but since that had been sorted . . .
‘It’s not too late. You can divorce him. We are meant to be together, Sarah. You must see that I love you beyond all there is. You fill my every waking hour. You are my motivation. I want to help save the world, to make it a safer place for you and any children we may have—’
‘Stop it! Stop it, Richard. This is wrong. What about Lucinda? Besides, I can’t leave. I – I’m pregnant!’
He slumped onto the nearest chair, then looked up at her. ‘Sit down, my darling, sit a while with me.’ He pulled another chair away from the table and took her hand the moment she sat down. ‘Me and Lucinda – well, it’s over. We’re good friends, that’s all. And it doesn’t matter. Leave Billy, leave him now. I will take your baby as my own.’
‘Please don’t go on, Richard, there’s not a way for us. We were for finding love too late.’
‘You do love me then?’
His face held hope – a hope she had to dash. This was dangerous; she could only imagine what would happen if Billy found out. ‘A – a little. I have a feeling for you, but it ain’t like I have for Billy.’ The lie stung her as much as it did him. ‘Me and Billy have been together all our lives. We’ve been through a lot an’ all. That stuff binds you. It holds you close against all the odds. I can’t leave him.’
Richard had let her hand go. A tear dropped onto his cheek. She watched it roll down and curl round his nose, joining the trickle of water there, its path engraving on her heart the love he felt for her. But she must reject him – for his own safety, and Aunt Megan’s, as well as her own.
Wiping his face with the hanky he’d taken from his pocket, Richard stood and nodded his head. ‘Well, I’m glad I came. I had to hear that from you. I have my mind made up now. Please forgive me. I won’t bother you again. I can’t get a train until tomorrow, so I’ll go up to the house and see Megan and offer her some comfort in her loss. I’ll stay at the inn in Breckton overnight, so you have no worries, if you planned on dining with them. Goodbye, Sarah.’
For a full five minutes she stood looking at the door after it closed behind him. Her body ached from the tip of her head to her toes with longing and loss, but she knew she’d done the right thing. Richard would find someone else. And, being the man he was, he’d make whoever it was happy. She needed to settle down and build on what she’d already achieved with Billy. But saying all this to herself didn’t help. When at last she moved away, she dragged herself up the stairs and allowed her body to fall into the comfort of the soft mattress and let herself weep. For her granna, for her own lost love, for Billy and all that life had done to him, for her little Bella, and for her mam and all that had happened to her Aunt Megan, until the emptying of herself took her into a deep sleep.
20
Theresa
Undenied Feelings
Watching Rita spreading the straw on the stable floor, then straightening, rubbing her handkerchief over her forehead before pushing her hand into her blouse to wipe her breasts, gave Theresa feelings she did not want to have. Her mouth dried. Impatience with herself for harbouring such thoughts, which should be repulsive to her but weren’t, made her snap out an order. ‘You there, come over here and help me to mount my horse!’
An insolent lift to the girl’s chin tempered the anger in Theresa. She didn’t want to alienate her.
‘Sorry, didn’t mean to snap. It’s my frustration with having to ride side-saddle. Not something I like doing.’
‘That’s all right, love. ’Ere, put your foot in that stirrup. That’s it, now steady. There you go. I ain’t seen you ride this way before, Miss . . . Oops, watch out!’
Theresa slipped back down to the ground and into Rita’s arms. For a moment she held her breath. The girl was so near, so desirable. Making a play of having fallen, she made herself look flustered.
‘You’re all right, love. No harm done. I expect you’re not used to it, and that riding skirt is a bit much. You should’ve put your pants on, like always. What’s with this side-saddle lark anyway?’
‘I . . . Oh, it’s my father’s idea. He thinks it isn’t good for a woman to straddle a horse. Silly, I know, but I thought I would humour him. At least until I left sight of the house.’
Having to think of some feasible excuse while unfamiliar feelings assaulted her made Theresa want to turn away, but Rita’s gaze held her transfixed. A smile played around the girl’s ruby-red painted lips, further confusing her. Theresa blurted out the first thing that came to her.
‘I – I’ve changed my mind. I think I’ll go for a walk instead. Thank you for trying to help me.’
‘Anytime, Miss. And if I can be of help in any other way, just ask.’
This last was said in a softer tone, giving innuendo to what she suggested. Theresa felt the heat of her body rise to her cheeks. Was the girl meaning what she thought she meant? Something in her wanted to try; she’d heard at school of two girls doing things together, and the idea appealed. ‘I may need help in other ways. What kind of things can you do?’ Safe ground, just in case.
‘A lot of stuff. Some as has to be done in private . . . Then I’m handy with helping a lady with her clothes. All sorts, you might say.’
Deep in Rita’s eyes Theresa read a m
essage. It conveyed itself to her inner being, pulling at her nerve ends like a harpist plucking strings. ‘Perhaps I’ll leave my exercise till later and you could come with me. I have a number of items of clothing I need mending. We used to have a woman, but after she left, things just piled up. I’m leaving soon. Do you think you can do some of them in time? I’ll pay you, of course. It would be a private arrangement, something you could do in your own time. What do you think?’
‘Sounds just the ticket, Miss. I’d like to earn a bit on the side. Where’re you going? Is it a long trip?’
‘I – I’m going to take up some war work. I can’t say where. Or what. Will you stable my horse for me and then follow me? I’ll wait for you, and I’ll make it right with my brother if he says anything about you leaving your work.’
Just watching Rita lead her horse away, and the way her body swaggered, set up a trickle of anticipation in Theresa. Ha, what will my dear brother think of this new turn of events? Serve him right to have to share his prize filly and know he isn’t the only one she desires.
With Rita a couple of paces behind her now, and leading her to who-knew-what, everything inside Theresa came alight. This was going to be a new experience, and one she thought she would relish. The need to please, which she always felt with a man, didn’t apply. They were women; they would please each other. The excitement of something different, of kissing and touching a woman, assailed her with delicious feelings that she wanted to savour.
They reached her room without coming across anyone. Not that it would matter, as she had a legitimate reason for taking Rita there. Once inside, Theresa took a bold stance. ‘I haven’t done anything like this before, have you?’
‘Yeah, I’ve done it all, mate. It ain’t nothin’ to feel shy of. Just relax.’
Theresa propped herself higher on the pillows. Smoke from their cigarettes curled up into the air above them. Mixed feelings assailed her. The experience had been like nothing she’d ever imagined. Wonderful! Sort of shared, but in a different way, as they’d taken each other to pleasures that no man could ever understand. There had been no need for any pretence or worry over how long it took, as they each knew what was needed and, realizing it took time to achieve, coaxed and loved it to fruition. But despite all of that and the extreme enjoyment of it, there remained in her a slight repulsion at what she’d just partaken of. Not that she was going to let that put her off doing it again – she couldn’t, as she knew she would need to, and with Rita. Especially with Rita. Yes, she and Terence would have to share the girl. Ha, that would add to the excitement. See who won Rita’s affections the most times, though she supposed it would be Terence. What girl – including herself – could resist what he had to offer?
‘That were a big sigh, love. Glad to have made you happy, cos you certainly made me pop me cork. We’ll have to get together again, what d’yer think, eh?’
‘I think we will, Rita. I wouldn’t want to think that was the one and only time. Now, come along, get yourself dressed. One of the servants will be up soon to run my bath.’
‘One of them? ’Ere, I thought as you had one all to yourself. Well, next time you tell ’em as you can manage, and we’ll have a bath together, eh?’
The thought of this disgusted her. ‘I don’t think so. And I used to have a maid to myself . . . Well, at least my mother did, and I shared, but all of that has gone now. Everyone has to economize, even us. Now get going, you naughty thing. Go on – hurry.’
Rita laughed, but did as she’d been bid and got off the bed, showing all she had in an exaggerated, open-legged crawl as she did so.
‘You’re more than naughty. You’re a sex tease. Stop that, and get out of here. I’m getting scared now. Just look at the time!’ Rolling off the bed, Theresa went over to the wardrobe, donned her silk dressing gown and gathered the items of clothing she’d put to one side for mending. ‘Take these with you. They all need some attention. I’ll ask whoever comes up to help me to make sure you have use of the sewing kit. I have no idea where it is kept. No one will object. They are all overworked as it is, so they will be grateful that one pressing job has been taken out of their hands. And by the way, if that other girl wants to do extra work, I’m sure my mother would be glad to hear about it.’
‘I’ll tell her. Here, can I take the rest of them fags? They’re a sight better than me roll-ups. They taste like heaven. Just like you.’
Clothed now, Rita hovered over the dressing table, picking up jars and perfume decanters. With one perfume bottle she squeezed the bulb, letting the mist go behind her ears.
Fury beyond words took hold of Theresa. ‘Don’t you dare take liberties, girl! Leave my stuff alone, and please don’t think for one moment that what happened between us elevates you above your status. Now, go at once, or I will ring the bell and have you removed.’
‘Here, keep your knickers on, mate. I were only trying it. And I don’t need no elevating, ta. With you out of the way, I’ll have that brother of yours all to meself, so I can get what I want through him. War work – ha, I’ll bet.’
‘What do you mean? How dare you! Get out!’ Her fury had no effect on the damn girl. Theresa watched, appalled, as Rita scooped all of the cigarettes out of the box on the dresser and shoved them into her pockets. Her laugh as she left the room annoyed Theresa beyond measure. The little vixen! Does she know about me and Terence? Has Terence told her? And, God, what did she mean by her parting shot? But, no: Terence wouldn’t say anything – he wouldn’t dare – and Rita couldn’t know about the baby. How could she? All the same, they’d have to take care, as she had a feeling little Miss Rita could be dangerous.
Throwing the frock she’d selected to wear onto the bed, along with the chosen accessories, didn’t help to calm Theresa’s nerves, nor did Molly’s comments when she came through the door. ‘My, what’ve you been up to? It looks like a cat fight has gone on in here.’
Molly had been with the family forever, so Theresa allowed her the liberty of straight talking, but reprimanded her for being late. ‘I fell asleep and had a restless dream, that’s all. If you had come when you were supposed to, you would have had time to tidy up.’
‘Eeh, don’t worry about that, Miss. I’ll send young Annie up to see to it, and she can lay a fire in here an’ all. It feels right chilly. I’ll light the oil stove in your bathroom – that’ll warm it up for yer whilst you have a soak.’
‘Thank you, Molly. Forgive me. I woke up out of sorts with myself. I’ve been trying to make some decisions since the Queen’s “call to arms”, as it were. And it meant I didn’t sleep well.’
‘You ain’t thinking of going off to do war work, are you, Miss?’
‘Yes, I am. Father made enquiries for me. He thinks it is a superb idea and will do me – and hopefully the country – some good. But I haven’t said anything yet, as we had to handle Mother with care. I go very soon. I need you to bring some trunks to my room and start to pack for me. I’ve engaged one of the Land Girls to do some mending for me, as you are short-staffed, so will you see that she has use of the sewing kit? Oh, and it is all right for you to tell the others now. Mother is resigned to it, and happy that I am not going to be in any danger.’
‘Well! You’ve took the wind out of me – I never thought. But I’m proud of you, Miss. Just keep safe for us.’
Theresa was touched by this. She’d never been one for having much to do with the serving staff and hadn’t thought any of them would say anything like that. ‘Thank you, Molly, but there is no need to worry. I’m only going to be doing paperwork and such, but I can’t tell you any more.’
Being able to tell everyone was a relief. They hadn’t long until she left, but enough time to get used to the idea – not that she’d had much longer herself, as her father had sorted everything in days, instead of weeks. But her story of not wanting to upset her mother would account for why the staff hadn’t been told sooner. None of them would guess her departure was a sudden thing, which was just as well. Their c
uriosity – not to mention the speculation they might indulge in, in particular if one of them happened to come to her room while she was bending over the lavatory pan – might have exposed the truth.
Ugh, the very thought of the sickness that had taken her of late, the minute she woke, disgusted her. God, why do women have to pay such a high price for their indulgence, while men get off scot-free? This thought made the enjoyment she had found with another woman even more appealing. Maybe she’d lean more towards that, after the baby business was over and done with. In any case, she’d make sure she had one more encounter with the delicious Rita before she left. Maddening as the girl was.
Best of all, and making this whole business bearable, was that her beloved Terence would visit her often. After all, Pater had practically given them permission! Ooh, she couldn’t wait. Perhaps he’ll even visit me tonight? Yes, she’d flirt with him over dinner. Discreetly, of course.
21
Sarah
Laughter Brings Healing
The phone ringing woke Sarah. Disorientated, she rolled off the bed and headed for the persistent shrill sound. Unhooking the receiver from the wall, she’d no time to announce her number before her dad’s voice came to her.
‘Eeh, lass, you had me and Megan worried out of our wits. We’ve rung twice already, and Richard were just about to set out to check on you, but I said I’d give it one more go. Are you all right, lass?’
‘Aye, I am, Dad. I fell asleep. What time is it? I were meant to go to the shops.’ The painful throbbing of her heart let her down. Hadn’t she convinced herself she didn’t need Richard? Then why this thudding at the mention of his name?
‘We wanted to ask you to come up to the house to have dinner, lass. Megan forgot, with all that was happening. Anyroad, the undertakers have been now and taken Granna to the chapel of rest.’
This statement awoke in her the reason for the heavy feeling that something terrible had happened, which lay in the pit of her stomach. She allowed the short silence to continue, and could sense her dad trying to compose himself. A small cough and he went on, ‘Me and Megan are going later, just to make sure as she’s all right, but they have folk there all night, so she’ll not be alone.’