by Mary Wood
The redness in his head increased. It told him things, giving him ideas and singeing his anger. Has she shown them to Richard? He thrust his head forward and bit into the tender flesh, tasting her blood and savouring the pleasure that her screams gave him.
Pain ripped the tender, agony-filled parts of his head as Sarah grabbed his hair and yanked his head back. The slap he gave her made her let go.
‘Stop it, Billy! Stop it, please! Oh God, help me . . . Help me . . .’
‘I’ll stop when I bloody want to. Your body belongs to me. You’re me wife. You’ve no reet to give other men pleasure of it.’
Flashes of his dad came to him again: the blows he’d rained down on his mam, and how he’d thrown her backwards over the edge of the table, forcing her legs open with his knees.
The same fear he’d felt then cracked Billy’s chest now as he remembered sitting on the stairs, watching. He’d shifted his position and the stair had creaked. He’d thought his dad would hear and turn on him, but he hadn’t. And the shivering, frightened little boy that he had been could do nothing but watch.
Sarah was like a rag doll as he pulled her to her feet and dragged her across the room. Her cries fuelled the burning desire to have everything as he remembered it, and it pumped feelings through him with a force he’d never experienced before.
Her body thudded onto the table. Her face took on a blue hue, but he couldn’t stop. Not now. His mind registered her struggle and welcomed it. Holding her with one hand, he found the edge of her knickers with the other.
‘Not like this. Please, Billy. Please, don’t.’
Yes. Yes. Everything was right. She had her breath back and was pleading again. The feeling this gave him was fantastic, and the heat in his body filled his brain to bursting. An intense, searing pleasure surged through him. Obscenities gushed from him as his mind and body became one. This was what it was all about: he’d beaten his woman into submission, and now his reward took him to places he’d only imagined. He burst with joy as his release came, splintering his body and his soul.
Gasping for breath, he slumped down onto Sarah. The experience had fractured every part of him. ‘Oh, Sarah!’ He couldn’t take his weight off her. He didn’t want to. His love for her weakened him, shattered everything that was him. The redness left, and the pain – the agonizing and yet beautiful pain – faded.
Sarah’s sobs penetrated his peace. Confusion clouded in on him as shame at what he’d done washed over him. Had his dad felt this? Yes, Billy knew he had. He’d heard him saying sorry, and saw him trying to soothe his mam. And his mam had said it was all right and told him to go and have a fag while she made him a sup of tea. So it was as it should be, for him to feel as he did; it was natural and a part of it. He’d do the same as his dad. He’d make things better. ‘Sarah. Aw, lass, I’m sorry. I’m reet sorry. Come here, lass. Don’t cry.’ He took her gently in his arms. ‘Aw, lass. Come on now, come on.’
Standing away from her, he adjusted his trousers, then lifted her as gently as he could. She didn’t resist, and this compounded his worry for her. He’d get her to their bed, bathe her wounds and take care of her.
Laying her down, he climbed on the bed and lay next to her. ‘I’m sorry, lass. Forgive me. Oh, Sarah.’ His body, heavy with shame, found blessed relief as the soft bed took his weight. The redness had wrecked him, leaving his mind quivering. Tears prickled his eyes. He doubled over, trying to ward them off, but a flood of tears swamped him and he wanted to scream out, Help me, help me.
Billy’s sobs reached Sarah’s distressed mind, but she couldn’t move. Nor could she speak. Pain and fear tightened her chest and burned her body with hurt. Things she’d heard and known of the past came back to her, as did the sickening memory of Billy’s enjoyment of what he’d done. He’d relished brutalizing her, just as she’d heard his father had done to his mam – Megan, poor Aunt Megan. As the realization of this hit her, she knew with certainty that this would be the pattern of her life if she stayed with Billy. She couldn’t let it be. She had to get help. Aunt Megan would help her, she would understand.
Through Billy’s anguish one word came over and over again: sorry. He was sorry. But then sorry wasn’t enough for her, and never would be, though she knew she had to pretend as it was. If she didn’t, he’d likely get angry again.
She put her hand out towards him, and he uncoiled his body. He turned to her, but his movement brought a whimper from her as it cut deeper into her pain.
‘Oh God, I’ve hurt you bad, Sarah. I’m sorry, lass.’
Inside she stiffened, ready to ward him off, but she fought the urge to do so as his hand undid her ripped blouse. His gentleness surprised her.
‘Oh, Sarah, lass.’
Her breasts seeped blood, and the skin that wasn’t broken was pitted with red marks.
‘I’ll make you better, lass.’
Better? She would never be better from this. Her body would heal, but inside? In her mind? Would that ever heal? And there was something else she hardly dared to give thought to. What about my babby? What if he’s harmed my babby?
‘I’ll see to yer, lass. I’ll clean yer up. Wait there.’
Returning with a bowl and cloth, he set about bathing her. A soreness ached in places she hadn’t known he’d inflicted harm on, but his voice, low and urgent, held a note she didn’t dare defy. ‘Me mam’s not to hear of this, thou knows, Sarah. Nor your dad, or anyone, d’yer hear me? You’ve no marks on your face, so if you wear long sleeves and them trousers as I hate to see you in, that’ll stop them knowing owt. Right, you’re all cleaned up. Now get off the bed and get dressed. Just in case they come calling. I told them not to, but that ain’t stopped me mam in the past.’
Sliding her feet off the bed sent pain searing through Sarah’s ribs. ‘I can’t, Billy. Just let me rest. Ring them later and tell them as I’m sick. Tell them it’s due to me pregnancy, so it don’t worry them none. Aunt Megan knows as I take with the vomiting.’ Now, as she came round a bit, some of her fear left her and anger trickled into her. ‘I’ll tell you sommat, though, Billy. If you’ve harmed our babby, I’ll never forgive you, never.’
There was no retaliation from him. He sat on the edge of the bed next to her and tried to take her hand.
She pulled it away. ‘Why, Billy? Why? It ain’t normal to do what you did.’
‘Oh, here you go again, with saying as I’m not normal. Well, I know I’m not and if you were inflicted with that as takes me, you’d not be either. But I’ll tell you sommat for nowt: it has to have a trigger, and you and your ways were it.’
His standing up and bending over her intimidated her, but she stared back at him. Something came over her that made her not care any more. After a moment Billy turned his back on her and headed for the door.
‘I’m going out. I have to get out of the sight of yer, as when I look at yer I see him with his arms round you, and I can’t stand it, I can’t.’
This last came out on a sob. Guilt trickled into her. She’d to take some of the blame on her own shoulders, she knew that, but then, no matter what she’d done, she hadn’t deserved the punishment he’d meted out. Nothing deserved that.
The sound of the door closing behind him raised hope in her. If she could get off the bed, she could ring her dad and . . . But what if he went there? They’d tackle him, wouldn’t they, and then? No, she couldn’t risk it, as she’d an inkling of what Billy would do if Aunt Megan and her dad took him to task, and it didn’t bear thinking about. But then what else could she do? Could she risk that? What if Billy hurt them? But what choice did she have?
I have to have their help. I have to . . .
30
Megan
The Ultimate Sacrifice
‘Are you all right to get that, Megan? Or does you want me to come and answer it?’
‘No, I’m fine. It might be Sally calling from work. I told her to ring if anything cropped up. With me taking leave unexpected, I’ve left things in the air a bit.
’
Jack had come out of his office, which was a grand title for the little room where he kept all the books and stuff to do with his business. Not that he tackled such things, but sometimes he went in there as other men might go into a shed. His own little den, as it were. He needed one at the moment, she knew that. Somewhere he could cry a few private tears.
He stood watching her, no doubt curious as to who it was on the phone, even though he’d been reluctant to answer it himself.
‘Sarah! Hello, love. Eeh, what’s wrong? Sarah? What is it? Is it Billy?’
The front door opened. ‘Oh, here’s Billy now.’
A distraught Sarah begged Megan not to let Billy know it was her calling. Unsure how to cover up, or to let Jack know not to say it was Sarah, she turned her back on the front door and, with what she hoped wasn’t too much hesitation, changed her voice and sent a grave look Jack’s way. Her brain worked faster than she’d ever known it to as she said, ‘No, like I were just saying, I didn’t expect to see him today, but it’s a lovely surprise to have him come over. It’ll do Jack good an’ all. He could do with some company to take his mind off things. How’s Harry, love? Have you been back to the hospital?’
The agony of listening to Sarah’s sobs whilst keeping up this pretence nearly undid Megan. But she knew she had to, and knew she’d to think of a way to get to Sarah an’ all. Fears assaulted her, blocking her thoughts, but then an idea came to her and she voiced it as if speaking to Hattie. ‘Aye, that’ll be fine. No, it’s no trouble. Yes, I know. But don’t worry; knowing my menfolk, they’d rather have time without me. I’ll set off now. I should be with you in an hour. No, we hadn’t planned owt. Sarah and Billy didn’t want to come to dinner, so we were going to have a light supper later.’ Warming to her theme, she almost believed it herself. ‘No, honest, love. None of us feel like eating much, anyroad. Just let me greet Billy. Poor lad gets home after six weeks away and his mam stands chatting to folk she could talk to anytime. See you in a while, eh?’
Jack looked at her, a question puzzling his face. Returning the receiver to its cradle, Megan ignored him and put her arms out to Billy. ‘By, it’s grand to see you, son, and you’ll be a tonic for your Uncle Jack. He were a bit down just before you came.’
Billy’s face held a tinge of red high on his cheekbones. His expression had its customary sour look, and he reluctantly allowed her to kiss his cheek. Without giving any of them time to react, Megan grabbed her coat from the stand next to her. ‘Look, I have to dash.’
Crossing her fingers as she piled yet another lie onto the others, she added, ‘It appears Sally’s stranded. She can’t get that damn back door of the shop to lock. I’m the only one who seems able to do it! The others have all left, and Hattie can’t go to help her as she’s just leaving to visit Harry.’ She’d reached the door when the thought came to her that she’d said to the imaginary Hattie that she would see her in a while. ‘Once I’ve done that, Hattie asked if I’d come along to the hospital with Sally, and I said I would. You two have a good natter. Sarah won’t be expecting you back that soon, will she, Billy?’
Billy grunted at this and shrugged his shoulders. His eyes bored into her. Megan’s nerves clenched in fear. Please, God, let me get to Sarah and help her before Billy decides to return home. She was convinced he’d done something terrible to the poor lass.
Jack crossed over towards her, blocking Billy from her view. He spoke over his shoulder to Billy. ‘Make yourself comfortable, son. I’ll see as your mam’s car’s all right. There’s a sharp frost in the air.’ With his voice normal, but his face still questioning her, he opened the door for her. Once outside, he pulled the door closed behind them. ‘What’s going on, love? That weren’t Hattie, were it?’
‘No. Oh, Jack, it were Sarah.’
Jack’s arms enclosed her. Megan clung onto him, drinking in his comfort and wanting to stay locked in his embrace and not have to face the awfulness of whatever Sarah was going through. Painful memories shuddered through her. ‘I have to go to her, Jack. She were sobbing and begged me not to let Billy know she’d rung, but I know nothing more, as I had to talk over her and come up with what you heard. D’yer reckon as Billy knows it were her?’
‘Naw, he couldn’t. I had no idea and I even heard you say “hello” to her. You had me right confused. Just get off, love, and do what you can. I’ll keep Billy here till you phone. I feel like strangling him, but if it turns out it’s just a tiff that’s upset Sarah, she won’t thank me and I’d end up making things worse.’
Megan agreed with this, though she’d an idea it wasn’t a tiff. Not from what she’d heard. ‘I’ll contact you as soon as I can, love. Just so you know what’s happening.’
Jack tightened his grip on her.
The trepidation that had been with Megan all day coiled deeper into her. ‘Oh, Jack, I love you. Can you ever forgive me?’
‘What for, lass? Thou’s done nowt.’
‘I have. I should’ve done more to prevent them marrying. I – I suspected Sarah was doing it out of fear, and now I know for certain she were. And I put that fear in her path, as I were the one as fought for Billy’s release.’
‘You did what any mam would do. Now I’ll clear your windscreen and crank your engine for you. You have to hurry to Sarah, me little lass. You have to see as she is all right.’
‘I love you, Jack Fellam.’
Once the engine jumped into life, spewing fumes from its exhaust and curling white billows of smoke into the frosty air, Jack took hold of her again. Megan clung to him, but as she did so, she saw the curtain move and knew Billy was watching them. Her blood ran cold through her veins.
‘Well, lad, that were unexpected. One minute me and your mam are all settled for a quiet night, and the next she’s gone out and you’re here. I must say as I’m reet surprised to see you. Your mam said as you weren’t up to coming round. Anyroad, it’s a good surprise. Come on through. Like always, there’ll be a kettle on the boil. We’ll have a pot of tea; it’s near on freezing out there.’
Billy followed Jack into the kitchen with an uneasy mind. Something wasn’t right. Jack had been mystified when the caller had turned out to be that Hattie. And he had a good idea why. He’d heard more than his mam had thought. Why would she say to Hattie, ‘Is it Billy?’
Anger flared in him. Sarah – the bloody bitch! She’d telephoned his mam when he’d told her not to tell them. But he was stuck now. He’d need all the cunning he had used in that institution. By, I had them fooled on many occasions.
‘I can’t stay, Uncle Jack. I were tired, but I thought better of not coming to see you both. I wanted to say as I’m sorry about Issy. I know as it must have hit you and Mam hard.’
‘Aye, it has. Ta, lad, that’s reet kind of you. But take a minute to rest up. We’ve had a new foal delivered in the last hour and I’ve to go out to the stables. I thought you might come and take a look with me?’
‘I would, but I promised Sarah I wouldn’t be long. She wanted to come, but she’s all in. Babby seems to be knocking her about. She couldn’t stop being sick earlier, so I don’t want to leave her for long. I just couldn’t not come over to give you me condolences.’
‘Well, what’re you up to tomorrow, then? I’m up for a bit of shooting, if you are. There’s not much around, but we might get lucky. Or we could just do some target practice – you used to like that when you were a lad.’
‘Aye, I’m good at it an’ all. You’d not stand a chance at beating me. I passed that part of me training easy.’ A thought came to him that made the sweat stand out on him. It gave him the solution he needed. He’d seen his Uncle Jack’s guns hanging on the wall of the storeroom, next to various types of saddles and stirrups and that kind of stuff, and above them on a shelf were boxes of ammunition.
Excitement tingled through him and shook his body. Yes, it was the only way out; he couldn’t live, knowing that the minute his back was turned she’d be off with that Richard.
�
�Are you all right, son? Is everything reet with Sarah and you?’
For a moment he couldn’t answer. A voice in his head screamed at a pitch that had him cringing against it. It tore painfully across his forehead. He wanted to rip it out of him, but he had to fight to keep calm. If he didn’t, he’d not be able to carry out what the voice demanded. And he had to do that. It was the only way to rid himself of it.
Breathing in deeply, he managed to reply, ‘No, I have one of me headaches. You know how bad they get. I’ll have to get home and lie down for a bit.’
‘Why not go into the posh parlour? There’s that comfy sofa you could lie on, and I could ring Sarah and tell her.’
‘No, I have to go.’ It was taking him over. The intensity of it was like one of them explosions they had mocked up during training. Over and over he could hear, Kill them . . . kill them both. And he answered the thought, as understanding came to him. Yes. Yes, that’s it! And he knew that by doing as the voice said he would find peace, his final peace. It was them – Sarah and his mam. They had done all of this to him, and he had to do them in. He had to.
‘Billy. Billy, lad . . . Come on, now.’
With these concerned words, the heat cleared. A strange peace descended, giving Billy the knowledge of what he had to do. He needed to get out of here, find a gun and get on his way. To do that, he’d to sort out his Uncle Jack, and there was only one way. His eyes rested on the bronze statue of a woman and child standing on a shelf under an oval mirror – a fancy thing, too fancy for the likes of his mam. But then she considered herself something. Well, in this instance she’d provided him with his means of escape.
He had to look like he was playing along, then he could catch his Uncle Jack unawares. ‘Thou knows, I think as I will have that pot of tea.’
‘That’s good, lad. Eeh, them pains have plagued you all your life. Thank goodness they’ve gone for now. How they let you through the medical, with your condition, beggars belief. Anyroad, let’s go into the kitchen then.’