by Gail Sattler
She stood beside the door, hypnotized, unable to look away. Jed turned to stand close to her, the sparkle in his eyes fading along with his smile.
Very slowly, his arms surrounded her. “I want to kiss you good night, Jillian.” She noticed it wasn’t a question, and if it had been, she couldn’t have denied him. One hand gently drifted up her arm, brushed her throat, then cupped her chin as his eyes closed. Her eyes fluttered shut just as his lips descended on hers. Delicately, he kissed her, gently and tenderly. She was lost. He pulled away long enough to whisper gently against her lips, “I love you, Jillian.”
Somewhere in the background, she heard her own voice answer back, “I love you too, Jed.” She started to kiss him back when she realized what had just happened. She couldn’t love him, and he couldn’t love her. Panic gripped her. Not Jed. She valued his friendship and his steady companionship too much to venture past what had already been established, past the point of no return. Jed had the capacity to do more damage than anyone she’d ever known.
Jillian slid her hands to his chest and pushed. “We both have to get up for church in the morning.”
Jed stiffened, then separated, but instead of fully backing away, he held both her hands between them with both of his. “Jillian?”
“I think you’d better leave.” She needed time to think, and to ask for help, and in order to do that, she had to be alone with God.
His confused expression was almost her undoing. “Maybe we should talk.”
Jillian shook her head. “I don’t think so. Not today. Not now.” She clamped her lips together before she started to babble.
Still holding both her hands with one of his larger ones, Jed gently brushed the hair off her temple, then ran two fingers down her cheek, resting them under her chin. “Will I see you tomorrow?”
Her heart pounded so hard, she thought he could surely see it. All the heat drained out of her until she shivered. “I don’t think so,” she squeaked.
“I see.” He nodded, dropped his hands, then left.
Jillian stood in the open doorway, watching the taillights of his truck disappear into the night. The cool air against her face helped quell the sudden rush of despair as he disappeared around the corner. She’d sent him away.
She rushed inside and slammed the door shut, leaned against it, and gulped for air. What had she done? Burying her face in her hands, Jillian did the only thing she could. She talked to her Best Friend.
Dear Jesus, help me. Things are going too fast. I don’t know what I should do. I can’t handle this alone. As You do every time I ask, please guide me, show me what is in Jed’s heart, and if it is in Your plans, if it is in Your will, tell me what to do.
Then Jillian picked up her Bible, sat on the couch, and read 1 Corinthians 13:4–7 a dozen times. Could she ever achieve those high standards for love?
twelve
Jillian walked into the sanctuary in silence, ignoring the sociable chatter around her. Sitting quietly in the pew, she tucked her purse beneath her, staring forward. As she waited for the service to begin, her head swam with conflicting images. Graham, declaring his love, demanding and expecting physical proof of hers, followed by the threat of violence if she denied what he claimed as his right. Jed and his soft words, his unspoken friendship and tenderness, demanding nothing, then holding her close when she fell to pieces and cried in his arms. She had needed him, and he’d been there for her.
No one had ever been there for her before. No one but Jesus. On the other hand, people freely called her when they needed something. At the university, she’d tutored many other aspiring music students. She’d volunteered whenever she was asked for church-related activities. Even as a child, her father loved to show off his cute little budding talent on the piano, then once the crowds were gone, off to the nanny she went. No one wanted her for what she was—simply Jillian Jefferson.
Graham, whom she had thought was a fine upstanding Christian man, let her down when he should have been different. But Jed was different from Graham. In her mind, she knew it, but in her heart, she struggled to let go of her fear. If she trusted Jed, would he be the next to disappoint her? If so, she wouldn’t survive. Not again, and not from him.
Jillian closed her eyes to pray, but before she gathered her thoughts, a familiar deep voice beside her nearly caused her heart to stop. “Hi, Jillian. Mind if I sit here?”
“Jed!” A few heads turned at the volume of her squeaky voice. She lowered her pitch a few octaves. “Jed,” she whispered. “What are you doing here?”
Standing tall beside her, he looked down, then lowered himself to sit in the pew beside her. “It’s Sunday. I’m attending church.” He slid in close beside her.
Last night, she’d opened her heart and soul to God, talking to Him at length about Jed. She’d done a lot of Bible reading and a lot of praying, and she could feel God telling her to listen to Jed, to open her heart, put all her past hurts aside, and allow herself to love him as he surely loved her. Surely that couldn’t be so hard.
She started to fold her hands in her lap, but Jed grasped her left hand to hold it with his right. “I missed you.”
Her throat tightened, and her heart pounded. “You just saw me last night,” she whispered.
He chuckled gently, then rubbed her hand with his other one, being careful not to let go. “That was nine hours ago.”
She gulped, her throat tight, almost totally constricted. “Oh, that long?”
“That’s too long. We should be going to church together.”
“You should be in church with your family.”
“We could be family.”
She turned to face him, but he was staring down at their joined hands, absently toying with her fingers. She wanted to yank her hand away, but she couldn’t. Family? What did he mean by that? The only way they could be family was if they got—
The service started, drawing Jillian’s attention forward. Throughout the worship songs, every time they stood, then sat, he didn’t release her hand. Throughout the sermon, his grip remained gentle, but firm. During the prayer time, he squeezed her hand a number of times, as if she needed a reminder of his presence. When they stood for the closing hymn, Jed released her hand, but Jillian missed her pitch on the high note when he slipped his arm around her waist.
As soon as the pastor closed the service, with the last strums from the guitar softly accompanying his words, Jed turned to her. Again he held both her hands, then ran his fingers over her wrists. “Jillian, I need to talk to you. Alone. I wonder if—”
“Jillian! Good to see you! And who’s your friend?”
Jillian forced a smile as she turned to face the pastor, who had just arrived beside them. “Pastor Lucas, this is Jed Davies.”
She listened politely as the pastor welcomed Jed and then asked a few questions as they chatted. Jed responded politely to the questions about his church affiliation, and thanked him for the warm welcome to their small fellowship. Pastor Lucas laid his hand on Jed’s shoulder, giving it a friendly squeeze as he kept talking.
A female voice interrupted their conversation. “Aren’t you Dorothea and Peter’s boy? I heard you’ve moved in with your sister, Elizabeth, isn’t it?” All three heads turned to see the woman who was approaching, speaking as she walked.
Jed glanced back and forth between Pastor Lucas to Jillian, then back to the woman. “Yes, that’s right. But I’m sorry, I don’t remember you.”
“I’m Christine Engels. I live next door to your Aunt Madge. How are your mom and dad?”
Jillian watched the light go on in Jed’s eyes as he apparently remembered the woman. Jillian saw her chance for escape. She wouldn’t be leaving him with strangers, so she didn’t have to feel guilty about deserting him. She stepped back. “Excuse me, I’m meeting my sister for lunch, and I’m already late.”
Jed gave Christine a polite smile. “If you’ll excuse me, too, Christine, I’m sure I’ll see you another time, okay?”
Christ
ine nodded, and Jed accompanied Jillian to the parking lot.
On the one hand, Jillian wanted to know what Jed had to say, but on the other hand, she was almost afraid to ask. She unlocked her car door, quickly glanced at the time, then turned to face Jed. “We’re alone now, Jed. What did you want to tell me?”
“Uh, I don’t think this is quite the place. . .”
“I’m sorry to rush off, Jed, but Sue is already waiting for me. But I really want to hear what you wanted to tell me, especially if you made the special effort to come here, instead of going with your family this morning.”
Jed grasped her hands, checked from side to side to make sure no one was watching, then fixed his eyes on her. Jillian blinked, then met his gaze.
He cleared his throat. “I didn’t feel right about the way we parted last night, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
That was all he wanted? To make sure she was okay? His concern broke down the last barrier. She couldn’t speak as she stared up at him. Despite the fact that they were still standing in the church parking lot, she wished she could kiss him, just to show him how much she loved him.
She felt him give her hands a gentle squeeze, and his voice lowered so much she could barely hear him. “I love you, Jillian. Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”
Her throat tightened, but she had no doubt of her answer. “Yes, Jed, I did,” she mumbled. “I just don’t know what to do about it.”
“Well, when a man and a woman fall in love, they start thinking of a future together. You know my plans for a teaching career. College will take a few years, so before we get into a long discussion, I’d like you to think about that, and what the future will hold for us.”
Jillian felt all the color drain from her face. Us?
“You sound like you want to discuss something long term. Marriage. . .” She allowed her voice to trail off.
Jed smiled, then touched one finger to her cheek. “That’s what usually happens, Jillian. Two people stand before God and declare their love, their commitment, and their trust in each other. You do trust me, don’t you?”
She looked him straight in the eye, and nodded her assent. He wore his heart on his sleeve, the love for her was plain to see. His sincerity took her breath away. And it scared her.
“I’ve got to go, I’m already late. I’ll phone you when I get back.” She ducked into her car and headed for the mall.
When she got there, Jillian hurried into the restaurant as fast as her high heels would allow.
“Hi, Jillie. You’re late.”
“Something came up. Sorry about that. Hope you weren’t waiting long.”
Sue shook her head. “Not too long. So. How’s the tall man in your life? Anything interesting to report?”
Jillian fumbled with her purse as she placed it on the seat beside her. “No.”
Sue snorted. “No?”
Normally, she would discuss anything with Sue. This time, she simply couldn’t.
Sue sipped her coffee, peeking over the rim of the cup as she spoke. “Too bad. So, he’s still just a student, huh?”
“Something like that,” Jillian mumbled.
Sue laid her menu down. “I can’t stay too long; I have a million things to do. Geoff’s mother took the kids for the afternoon, so I have to take advantage of that while I’ve got it.”
The entire time she spent with her sister, Jillian’s thoughts kept drifting back to Jed. She couldn’t help but think of his closing question before she had to rush off. Did she trust him?
Since she met him, she’d progressed from simply enjoying his company to missing him when they weren’t together. They’d gone from the usual amiable chitchat during lesson time to her pouring her troubles out to him, and yet he liked her anyway, and then declared his love. When they’d shared their goals, she had to admire him for his decision to make the sacrifices necessary to obtain his education for his teaching career, something she knew he’d be good at.
She knew he found her attractive, just as she found him attractive, yet he didn’t push her beyond the limitations she’d set, or put aside the godly principles he held. She couldn’t help but love him.
And he’d been the one to bring up long-term commitment. It was she who was holding back. Why?
Did she trust him?
The answer was yes, beyond any doubt. And she did want to marry him. And she wanted to give him the chance to ask her properly, which wasn’t in the church parking lot.
Jillian smiled at the realization. Sue looked at her strangely, but didn’t ask what was going on in her head, which was fine with Jillian. She could hardly wait to get home and phone Jed.
After the quickest lunch she’d ever had with her sister, Jillian rushed back to where she’d left her car. As she reached in her purse for her car keys, she touched a plastic wrapper. Jillian squeezed her eyes shut. In her rush, she’d forgotten to replenish her stock of reward stickers for her students, which was why she’d left the empty packet in her purse, to remind herself. She glanced at her watch, then to the mall across the street. If she ran in, a ten-minute delay could save her two hours tomorrow. Jillian crossed the parking lot, wishing she had worn more sensible shoes.
After she purchased her stickers, she walked quickly through the mall back to the exit. As she passed the food court in the center, a familiar head of unruly brown hair caught her attention. Her breath caught in her throat, and her mood lightened. It was Jed.
This could be her opportunity to apologize for her unenthusiastic response when he wanted to discuss their future together. Spending the time with her sister had been exactly what she needed. Although Sue was reasonably happy in her marriage, Jillian knew with the strength of God’s love to support their marriage, she and Jed would form a bond that would be impossible to break, and when troubles came, together they would lean on God to help them along.
She no longer feared leaving herself vulnerable to Jed. She trusted him in every way. She felt both honored and humbled that such a man would choose her.
As she approached where Jed sat, he stood, as if ready to leave. Her feet skidded to a stop and her heart skipped a beat. He was not alone. He was with a woman.
Jillian blinked and stepped backward, partially hidden behind a large plant. Frantically, she searched for another way to make a discreet retreat, but she couldn’t move without him seeing her. She was trapped.
Jed threw his head back and laughed. Jillian’s face burned, not wanting to eavesdrop. She was so close that she could hear every word he said, yet he obviously didn’t see her. All his concentration was focused on the woman he was with.
The woman stood, also laughing. The woman was everything Jillian was not. Tall, dark-complexioned, and model- slim, the woman exuded natural grace and confidence as she touched Jed’s arm.
Jillian could hear Jed still laughing.
The woman spoke. “It’s been too long since we got together, just the two of us.”
Jed’s laughter subsided as he wiped his eyes. “Much too long. I couldn’t believe it was you; I was so surprised to see you here.”
The woman replied, giggling. “I could say the same about you! All our failed plans to get together, and we bump into each other like this.”
Jillian gasped. They planned to meet? How long had this been going on?
Jed stopped laughing, and patted his jacket pocket. “You wouldn’t believe what I bought.”
“You’re full of surprises today, Jed. I have my ways; I’ll get it out of you.”
He shook his head and laughed. “No, you can’t. I’m wise to all your tricks. You’ll never pull one over on me again.”
Something in Jillian’s stomach went to war. So this was an old relationship. She knew Jed had a relationship that had an unhappy ending about the same time he lost his previous job. Was this her? Had they renewed their relationship, and were they now making up for lost time?
Jed picked up a few parcels, and handed them to the woman. When their hands tou
ched, their fingers joined together between them. Jillian felt sick.
Jed’s eyes sparkled, his face radiant. Jillian had never seen him so happy. The backs of her eyes burned, but she didn’t dare move to wipe them.
“I’ll tell you later, after I’ve had time to think about it some more. And in the meantime, we’d better get going and get you home before you’re missed. We’ll make real plans for next time.” He let go of her hands, and they turned toward the exit.
The woman laughed again, then reached toward Jed’s pocket, the same one he had just patted. He covered it with one hand, then raised his other hand and wagged one finger at her. “Don’t touch. Mine.”
“I think I have an idea what that is. Ain’t love grand!” she exclaimed, then giggled. They left, laughing about things Jillian could no longer hear, so intent on each other they fortunately didn’t see her, hiding behind the large bushy plant.
As Jillian watched them exit the mall her stomach tightened. And he had asked if she trusted him. Was this why? Because she shouldn’t have? If she hadn’t chanced upon Jed and the other woman, would she ever have known? Or had he changed his mind?
The other woman. Jillian nearly choked. Holding her head high, she hurried back to her car, managing to hold back the flood of tears and anguish until she inserted the key in the ignition. What she had felt for Graham paled in comparison to the love she felt for Jed. She realized she hadn’t loved Graham at all; she’d only thought she did because he was the first one to pay her attention.
Jed. She did love him, but for some reason, he’d changed his mind about loving her. Did he finally get fed up with her inability to get a grip on herself? Or had he been seeing both of them at the same time all along?
She drove home as fast as she could; as soon as she stepped into the front hall she burst into tears once again. The other woman’s words echoed through her head. Ain’t love grand?
No, love was not very grand at all.
❧
“Are you sure she didn’t call while I was gone?”