Mamm walked to the barn door and looked out. Her face tightened.
Katie turned her head, trying to see through the door to catch a glimpse of who it was. There was no one in her line of vision.
Mamm was still standing at the barn door, making no effort to walk out to the visitor’s buggy.
“Gut evening,” a deep, male voice said from near the barn’s front doors.
Katie jumped. Jesse Mast. He had returned.
“Gut evening,” Mamm replied.
Katie ducked her head behind Molly. Was Da Hah sending them help already? She was certain He was. Surely Mamm would also see the wisdom of accepting Jesse’s advances. Their needs were obvious enough for everyone to see.
Chapter Four
When Jesse left an hour later, Mamm set out a meager supper of warmed, leftover meat casserole and fresh peaches. Then she disappeared into her bedroom.
Katie waited beside the kitchen table, ready to sit down and begin eating alone if Mamm didn’t come back soon. It was understandable that Mamm would be disturbed over Jesse’s visit—if, indeed, he had come to ask Mamm to be his frau. No doubt becoming another man’s frau after being married to Daett would cause anyone to have ruffled thoughts. But Mamm would accept Jesse’s proposal. She simply had to!
Jesse and Mamm had talked while Mamm finished the chores—with a little help from him. Then they’d talked for a long time out by his buggy. Katie hadn’t been able to catch a glimpse of Jesse’s face before he left, but Mamm had looked quite stern afterward. Still, it was a gut thing this had happened—and just at the right time. Now Katie wouldn’t have to bring up the subject.
She sat down and bowed her head in prayer. Hearing the bedroom door squeak on its hinges, Katie paused and looked up. Her mamm was coming. She waited until Mamm was seated before bowing her head again. They prayed in silence, with Mamm keeping her head down for long moments after Katie had lifted hers.
“Mamm?” Katie reached over to touch her arm. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you, but I’m glad to see that Jesse is coming over. It’s time, Mamm.”
Mamm’s head flew up. “How do you know what he came over for? Has someone told you something?”
Katie met Mamm’s gaze. “Nee, but I can guess. I think he’s seeking your hand in marriage.”
A look of embarrassment crossed Mamm’s face. “It’s a shame and a disgrace, I say, when these things have to be done right out in the open where the eyes of the young can see them.”
“I’m not that young, Mamm,” Katie corrected. “I’m an adult now.”
Mamm leaned closer. “You heard something at Byler’s? Is this how you know what Jesse is after?”
Katie shook her head. “I only know because it’s the perfectly normal thing to do, Mamm. You lost Daett years ago, and Jesse lost his wife last year. Of course he wants another frau, and you would make a decent match for him. And I want a daett.”
Mamm frowned. “I still don’t think you should know so much about these things. Jesse might have come over because he wanted to borrow something.”
“But he didn’t, did he? Oh Mamm!” Katie allowed her excitement to well up. “Have you said yah to Jesse’s offer? I know we will be absolutely happy as a family. What with Jesse’s five children…Oh! I can’t believe this might be really happening!”
Mamm added lima beans to her plate. Still frowning, she said, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it’s not happening. I’ve told Jesse both times he was here that I will not agree to his calling on me. And there certainly will be no wedding.”
“But Mamm!” Katie wailed. “Why not? We need a man around the house. I’ve never really had a daett, not like the other children did growing up. It’s still not too late.”
“I’ve said nee to Jesse Mast.” Mamm set her lips in a tight line. “We’re doing fine alone, just like we always have. I’m not changing that.”
“But, Mamm, everything changes!” Katie made no attempt to hide her desperation.
“Not in our world it doesn’t, Katie. And it doesn’t in the world of our people. I will have you think about that long and hard.”
“Mamm, our people marry all the time!” Katie persisted. “That’s the right kind of change.”
“There’s no use arguing,” Mamm said. “I’m not marrying Jesse. And I’m troubled that you’re so interested in the subject all of a sudden. You never were before.”
“Maybe I am changing,” Katie shot back. She couldn’t believe the words had burst out of her mouth, but they had.
Mamm looked shocked and silence settled over the table. Then she said, “Just as I suspected. This comes from working at that store.”
“Please, Mamm,” Katie coaxed. “I can’t help it if changes occur. Da Hah made us the way we are.”
“He didn’t make us without the ability to make choices,” Mamm said. “And we have to make the right ones. Marrying Jesse is not the right one for me or for you.”
“So there is someone out there you like then? You’re just objecting to Jesse personally?”
“This has nothing to do with Jesse,” Mamm said. “I’m not marrying again. And I think it would be best if you didn’t think of boys either.”
“But why?” Katie gasped.
“Because…” Mamm gave Katie a sharp glance. “Because you’ll avoid a world of hurt, that’s why.”
Katie struggled to gather her composure. They finished eating, bowed their heads in another moment of prayer, and then Katie stood to clear the table.
Mamm washed the dishes and Katie dried them. As she was drying the last saucer, Mamm cleared her throat. “I guess I owe you an explanation, Katie. I didn’t realize you were changing as fast as you are. It seems like only yesterday you were a little girl. And now you’re turning into a young woman. I guess I haven’t noticed.”
“It’s only natural to grow up,” Katie said. “But I’ll always be the same person. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
“But I want to.” Mamm took Katie’s hand and led her into the living room. Mamm let go and wiped her hands on her apron as they sat on the couch. “I’m just trying to find the right words. I’ve never done this before.”
Katie waited, not moving at all. What great and awful secret was Mamm preparing to tell her? Was it something that would change her life forever? Not likely. Mamm was more interested in keeping things the same then changing anything.
Mamm cleared her throat. “See, Katie, I loved a boy once—a long time ago. I won’t tell you his name because you might run across him sometime. I don’t want you to feel awkward or say something that might embarrass him. He was a good-looking boy—in fact, the best-looking boy in the community. At least I thought so, and a lot of other girls did too. I suppose many of us had dreams of turning his eye. But I didn’t do a very good job of keeping my secret, so the other girls teased me.”
Katie took a deep breath, listening intently. Mamm had never talked like this to her before.
“Of course,” Mamm continued, “he was way above me. I should have known better, but I thought all things were possible with the great love I had in my heart for him. I dreamed of the day he would smile in my direction. And then one summer evening at the youth gathering he did. I thought I would faint from the joy in my heart.”
Katie said nothing as she stared at her mamm.
“He even spoke words to me that night that gave me hope,” Mamm continued. “I, of course, was too blind in my happiness to realize he’d probably said the same things to other girls before me. In my innocence, I built great hopes out of that little molehill. And when the mountain was at its greatest—when I really knew I loved him the way a woman loves the man she marries—well, it was then that he started taking another girl home from the Sunday-night hymn singing.”
“Mamm, I never knew this.” Katie took her mamm’s hand in hers.
Mamm’s fingers were cold. She gazed out the living room window, a faraway look in her eyes.
“What happened?” Katie asked.
Katie sighed, her fingers tight on her mamm’s hand.
“Don’t worry, Katie.” Mamm tried to smile. “Not long after the wedding, I accepted your daett’s offer to take me home. We were married the next year.”
“But, Mamm, you still loved someone else.”
“Not really. It doesn’t quite work that way. At least not for our people. The other love had died, and love for your daett grew in its place. Not quickly though. It came to full fruition after you were born, I think. And when I finally could admit to myself that my love for your daett was real, he…died.”
“I’m so sorry, Mamm…” Katie said.
Mamm took a hanky from her apron and wiped her eyes. “Now do you see why I don’t want anything to do with marriage? I don’t think my heart can take anything more. And as for you, I couldn’t bear to ever see you hurt like I was. It’s better, Katie, if we just stay the way we are. You and me together.”
Katie stared ahead, her hands in her lap now.
“Can you understand a little bit?” Mamm stroked Katie’s arm. “That’s why I couldn’t have been happier with the way things were going, Katie. Nobody seemed to be paying much attention to you—boys, that is. I tried to keep things that way by dressing you decent but plainer than most and keeping you from joining the rumspringa crowd. You grew so slowly, it was like Da Hah was helping me. Now when I see you starting to mature, to change, I can’t bear it. I feel you’re slipping away from me. You’re no longer the little girl I once held in my arms. Yet I hope you will always be the one who stirs joy in my heart.”
“Oh, Mamm!” Katie cried, throwing her arms around her mamm’s neck. “You mustn’t talk like that.”
“It’s true, isn’t it? You want a boy to be interested in you, don’t you? You’re just like me at that age. I can’t bear to see you hurt like I was.”
Katie looked away.
“I thought so.” Mamm touched her arm. “I guess it can’t be helped, but I know it will only lead to sorrow and heartache.”
Katie said nothing as the face of Ben Stoll swam in front of her eyes.
“Is there one particular boy?” Mamm asked.
When Katie didn’t answer, Mamm pressed on. “Who is he, Katie?”
“Ben Stoll,” Katie choked out before bursting into tears.
“Oh my poor little girl!” Mamm pulled Katie close. “What does Da Hah have against me that He would visit us twice with this affliction?”
“It’s not your fault,” Katie said between sobs.
“It is all my fault,” Mamm said. “Every last bit of this. I do hope you’re not making the fool out of yourself that I did. Does anyone know about this?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Then you must never show it,” Mamm said. “Forget the boy—as quickly as you can. He is nothing to you, Katie. He will never be anything to you. Ben is far, far above us…above you.”
Katie sobbed, muffling her cries with the couch pillow.
Mamm held her hand. “Pride is a terrible thing, Katie. I hope you know that. The devil fell when he looked up to God and wanted to be lifted up to His high and mighty seat. We must never be like that, Katie. We must accept the station Da Hah has given us. If you must love, find a decent boy to long after. Still, I would protect you even from that, but I know I can’t forbid it. Ben Stoll is not for you, Katie. He never was and never will be. You need to believe me.”
“I believe you,” Katie managed to get out. “I so wish I could stop liking Ben, but I can’t. I think about him often. I can’t seem to stop.”
Mamm wiped her own tears and then prayed, “Oh dear Hah, please don’t visit this pain upon my daughter. Have not I repented many times for any wrongs I may have done? Please, Hah, please…”
When she stopped praying, Katie gave Mamm a quick hug.
They sat in silence. And then Mamm finally said, “It’s getting late. We best go to bed now.”
Katie nodded, getting to her feet. “I’ll try to forget about boys…about Ben.”
Mamm gave Katie’s hand a quick squeeze.
Once she was in her room, Katie burst into tears again. Now she knew for sure. Katie Raber really was Emma Raber’s daughter in more ways than she’d imagined. And Mamm was never going to remarry. There would never be real change in her life. Not that way. Katie paced the floor, whispering short prayers, her face turned toward the ceiling. “Help me, dear Hah. I don’t know what I should do.”
No answer came, but peace soon arrived, settling on Katie’s heart first and then reflected in her face. Da Hah would take care of Mamm and her. She didn’t know how, but things would turn out right. She must not give in to despair and lose hope, no matter how dark the way became.
Chapter Five
Emma listened to the muffled sounds of her daughter crying upstairs. She dabbed at her own eyes. She should have gone up to comfort the girl, but there was little that could be done. She wasn’t the one who could supply comfort anyway. If Ezra were still alive, he would know what needed saying to Katie. He always did in his calm, reasoned way. Ezra wasn’t a minister, but he’d reached into her heart that first winter together, speaking words that had touched her deeply.
“It’s time to start living again, Emma,” Ezra had said. “Spring’s coming soon, and Da Hah touches even the human heart in His seasons.” Then he had taken her into his arms and said, “You know I love you, Emma. I will always hold you very close.”
She had been so numb, so frozen inside, not unlike the snow-covered fields outside the living room window. Ezra had been a gut husband from the start. He knew how to work. The cupboards were well stocked with flour, butter, eggs, and anything else Emma mentioned she might need. Ezra kept the stack of wood in the basement dry, and the old furnace never was in danger of giving out.
It was her heart that had refused to move…let alone grow. Every time she tried, memories of Daniel would come flooding back, drowning out Ezra’s face. She would sit silent as tears ran down her face even as she looked at Ezra sitting across the room during those first long, winter evenings.
Memories would return of Daniel talking with someone at the youth gatherings. She’d hear his laugh when he finished a joke. She’d hear his voice pealing across the gathered Amish young people until everyone either moved closer to hear his next words or wished to.
Yah, she had told Katie tonight that her longing for Daniel Kauffman had died on his wedding day when he’d taken Miriam Esh as his wife. That hadn’t been a lie. But what she hadn’t told Katie was what else had died—her heart…and seemingly her very desire to breathe. There was another thing she hadn’t told Katie. The story of her mad dash out of the services right after Daniel and Miriam had said their vows. The gathered congregation was shocked as she recklessly drove her buggy right past Daniel and his new bride as they came out of the house. There was no mistaking the despair revealed through her actions—sorrow mingled with a flagrant disappointment and disrespect for whom Daniel had chosen to be his frau.
After that fiasco, she should have waited awhile before allowing Ezra to take her home from the hymn singing—at least until things had grown clearer in her heart and mind. But Ezra hadn’t seemed to mind the dimness of her affections for him or her questionable reputation that hung over her since her display of hurt and anger on Daniel and Miriam’s wedding day.
How could she have loved
a man like Daniel Kauffman? How could she have acted so impulsively? Perhaps it would have been better if Daniel had never paid her attention. She’d been a common girl—just like Katie had turned out to be. The girl nobody noticed. Her mistake was that she’d reached high, thinking she could capture Daniel’s heart. And once she’d reached toward it, it was as if her hand could not be drawn back. She was like a child whose hand was caught in a cookie jar. She couldn’t blame Daniel. Her actions were all her own.
The kindness of her few friends had kept her from saying or showing more. Her feelings of gratitude toward them had played a large part in her quick yah that night when Ezra had approached her. She’d been standing beside her brother’s buggy, and Ezra had walked up, motioning for her to follow him aside for a moment.
There, in the shadows of the barn, he’d asked, “May I take you home next Sunday night, Emma? I know this may seem a little sudden, but I’d love to do that.”
And she had nodded, her kapp barely moving as Ezra smiled in the dim light. And once again there had seemed no turning back, even when she knew her heart wasn’t responding to Ezra’s advances. On the outside she said the right things. In her cynical moments she figured his acceptance of her came because they were both older and he felt he was running out of options. At other times she wondered if this man really thought she would come around. She decided he must have great faith to marry her with the risk that she wouldn’t ever love him in return.
Ezra had been reading The Budget on that winter evening after their wedding. The snow was blowing outside. She’d made him popcorn because that was what a gut frau did. All evening she’d been trying not to remember Daniel’s face seated in the men’s section that Sunday morning at the church service. Though Daniel now lived in another district, he’d decided to visit on the spur of the moment. Emma had gasped when she noticed him in the room. Immediately the thought came to her: What if Daniel wants to see me again? What if that was the real reason for his visit?
It was an awful thought. One forbidden by a holy Hah and by decent and righteous people. But there it was, coming into her mind so quickly and uncontrollably. At church she might have succeeded in paying the thought no mind, but while she was making popcorn for Ezra that night it had been unleashed in full fury.
Katie Opens Her Heart Page 3