by Jon Rance
‘I love your Nan more than anything in the world. Without her I’d be lost, Harry, literally. Wonderful with directions your Nan. Best map reader I’ve ever seen and I’ve been through two world wars. But when we were getting hitched all them years ago, I had some feelings of doubt. Women want to be married, they want kids, the house and all the rest of it. Us men, we don’t know what we want. We never do. Until last year I was still trying to convince your Nan we should go on that European cruise. I doubt we’ll be doing that now, but I still think about it.’
‘I guess it’s the little boy in all of us. Always dreaming.’
‘And there’s nothing wrong with that, but the best thing, Harry, the greatest thing in the world is being married. There’s no adventure like it. I wouldn’t swap the last fifty-five years with your Nan for anything else. For a hundred cruises.’
‘Good to hear, Granddad.’
‘So when you stand next to Emily in the church and she’s looking at you and you’re looking at her, just remember that as long as you have each other, everything else will take care of itself. Never, ever, take her for granted.’
‘I won’t. I promise,’ I said, and we sat in the garden, drinking our beers and smoking our cigarettes, while upstairs the love of his life, my nan, was fast asleep dying of cancer.
Friday, August 11th, 9.45 a.m.
Emily in the shower. The sun is shining and today is the beginning of our wedding weekend. One day to go.
Emily and I had a lovely morning. Our last morning together as a non-married couple and so, of course, we had to have sex for the last time as singletons before we could have sex for the first time as a married couple.
‘I wonder if it will feel different after we’re married?’ said Emily.
‘What, sex?’
‘Yeah. I wonder if it will feel different. More meaningful somehow.’
‘I doubt it,’ I said.
‘You old romantic,’ said Emily with a giggle.
‘No, I mean, it’s still just us, isn’t it. Just me and you.’
‘So you don’t think being married is going to change anything between us?’
‘Maybe, I don’t know. I’ve never been married before,’ I said. ‘For all I know the sex could be even more phenomenal when we’re married.’
‘Here’s to hoping,’ she said, climbing out of bed with a smile. ‘I’m going to take a shower.’
Emily is staying at her parents’ house tonight after the rehearsal and I’m staying here with Ben. My last night as a single man and what do I have planned? Xbox, a takeaway and beers with my best mate. Hardly Living la Vida Loca, is it?
9.24 p.m.
Ben just nipped to the corner shop to replenish our cigarette and beer supply.
The rehearsal went all right. Trevor the vicar is a lovely man and Doris the organist is a sweet old dear. I don’t really see the point in a rehearsal if I’m honest. We’ve all been to a wedding before, it’s pretty plain and simple, I stand here, she stands there, this happens then, but I suppose we have to adhere to tradition.
Derek was a little quiet and I noticed the diamond studs were gone. I wonder if Pam knows about the lap dancers. At one point Derek walked over and whispered in my ear,
‘What happened on the stag stays on the stag. Understood?’
I nodded.
Pam and my mother both started crying when Emily did her fake walk down the aisle. If they cried at that they’re going to be a mess tomorrow. It was a bit weird practising what we’ll actually be doing in less than twenty-four hours. It was also strange saying goodbye to Emily. We both stood there holding hands, before she left with her parents and I left with Ben. My parents gave their usual distinctive goodbyes.
Dad: ‘Yeah, bye.’
Mum: ‘See you tomorrow my little man. The big day is finally here. My little boy is all grown up. (This is when the tears started and then the high-pitched talking began). It feels like only five minutes ago you were in my arms. Oh, come here. (She hugged me for all she was worth). Now make sure you get a good night’s sleep. No staying up all night playing the Box machine games. Do you hear me, Benjamin? Bed early. Oh, come here. (She hugged me even tighter). I love you, Harry. You’ll always be my little man.’
Dad: ‘Are you coming, woman?’
Mum: ‘OK, bye, love you. Sleep tight. See you tomorrow. The big day. Aaaggghhh!’
And then she was gone, but only because Dad dragged her away.
Saturday, August 12th, 8.15 a.m.
Wedding Day!
It’s here. The day I finally get married to Emily.
I didn’t sleep much last night thinking about Emily and Nan. Ben went to bed at about two o’clock, but I just sat up thinking until I dozed off sometime around dawn. I still don’t really understand why I’m so nervous about getting married. I thought writing my thoughts down might reveal some hidden feelings, some subconscious desires or something. I suppose it has helped a bit, and definitely with Nan, but I still can’t quite grasp why I’m feeling so confused. Maybe Granddad was right and it’s just part and parcel of being a man.
11.15 a.m.
Just back from breakfast. Ben in the shower. Still feeling a bit weird.
Ben came downstairs at ten this morning.
‘Harry’s getting married in the morning, ding dong the bells are going to chime,’ he sang, walking into the lounge.
‘I’m getting married in the afternoon actually, mate.’
‘Fair enough. How you doing? Feeling frisky?’ he said rubbing my shoulders.
‘Feeling tired and a bit nervous.’
‘Pre-match jitters. Come here, you,’ said Ben sitting down next to me on the sofa and pointing to his knee.
‘I’m not going to sit on your knee.’
‘OK, fine, now what’s all this silliness about?’
‘It’s probably nothing. Just a bit of cold feet.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know really.’
‘You love Emily and want to spend the rest of your life with her, right?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Then why the jitters?’
‘Where are you going next month?’
‘Thailand, why?’
‘And where did you go last New Year’s?’
‘Rio De Janeiro. Again, why?’
‘Because I haven’t been to either.’
‘So?’
‘I don’t know, but it seems significant. I guess I’m just worried that getting married means I won’t ever get to do that.’
‘But being married just means you have someone to go with. Look, this might sound a bit naff, but as much as I love my life, I envy you.’
‘You envy me?’ I said incredulously.
‘Yes because you’ve found what we’re all looking for. The One. Someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. You know when I’m in Thailand and Brazil, most of the time I’m thinking that as much fun as it is, it would be a lot better if I was there with someone special.’
‘Really?’
‘Really. Now stop being such a knob and pull yourself together, and if you’re still feeling a bit weird about everything, then give Emily a call and talk to her.’
‘Cheers, mate.’
‘That’s what best men are for. Now, let’s go and get some breakfast, I’m starving ,’ said Ben.
But despite Ben’s pep talk and a full-English breakfast, I’m still not getting that loving feeling. I need to talk to Emily. Actually, dear diary, I need to go and see her.
3.30 a.m.
Emily asleep next to me. Tired. What a day.
I drove to Emily’s parents’ house in a panic. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. What I wanted to do. Was I going to call the wedding off? I had no idea. I just knew I had to see her.
‘You can’t see her,’ said Derek. ‘It’s out of the question.’
‘But I have to see her, Derek. It’s important.’
‘You can’t. I’ve been instructed,’ said Derek
standing firm. ‘It’s bad luck.’
‘Just remember you made me do this,’ I said.
‘Do what?’
‘Stag?’ I said with a look that definitely said I was ready to blab.
‘You wouldn’t,’ said Derek looking nervous.
‘Try me.’
‘Fine, come in, but you can’t see her,’ said Derek.
Five minutes later and I was finally allowed in to talk to Emily. I walked into her room, but it was empty.
‘Emily?’
‘Harry, what are you doing here?’ said Emily from behind her wardrobe door. They had opened the wardrobe door and Emily was behind it. I slumped down on one side of the door and she was on the other. I reached my hand down and held hers.
‘I just needed to see you, Em.’
‘Is there a problem? Are you getting cold feet?’
‘No, nothing like that. I just. I don’t know what the problem is.’
‘Do you still want to get married?’
‘Of course, Em. I love you more than anything in the world. It’s. I just don’t want to let you down that’s all. I’m so worried I’m going to be a terrible husband. I just had to come and see you so you knew.’
‘That you’re going to let me down and be a terrible husband?’
‘At some point, probably.’
‘It may come as a massive surprise to you, Harry, but this isn’t breaking news. Of course you’re going to let me down and I’m sure at some point you might even be a terrible husband, but that’s OK.’
‘It is?’
‘Harry, I know you. I know all your little things and annoying habits, but we’re here. We’re getting married. Doesn’t that tell you something?’
‘That you’ve got really bad judgement?’
‘No, silly. That I love you despite all of these things and it doesn’t matter what you do, I’ll always love you
‘I love you too, Em. I’m sorry. I freaked out.’
‘It’s OK, and you do realise at some point I’m going to let you down too? I’ll probably get the seven-year-itch and have a passionate affair with my yoga instructor.’
‘But you don’t do yoga.’
‘I do in seven years’ time,’ said Emily. ‘We all have doubts, Harry, it’s normal. I’m not perfect and neither are you and of course we’re going to mess up. What’s important is that whatever happens, we remember how much we love each other right now.’
‘Agreed,’ I said. ‘Although you are banned from yoga.’
‘Fine,’ said Emily with a giggle. ‘To be honest, I was expecting you to do this.’
‘Really?’
‘Harry, please. You got cold feet when we bought that fridge from John Lewis. Buyer’s remorse. You freaked out because what if we found it cheaper somewhere else? What if we found a better fridge, a colder fridge, one that dispensed ice or had a special storage space just for beer? It’s just a part of who you are.’
‘I’ve been writing a diary this last two weeks,’ I said suddenly.
Emily laughed from the other side of the door.
‘Sorry.’
‘What’s funny?’
‘You, writing a diary, why?’
‘Because I had all these feelings and I didn’t know what else to do. Things have been moving so quickly with the house and now this. … I guess what I’m saying, Emily, is that I love you and I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you.’
‘And you had to drive all the way here, on our wedding day to tell me that?’
‘I think I did, yeah.’
‘I love you, Harry.’
‘I love you too, Em’
‘You know you still have to get back to London, dressed and back here for the church by three o’clock.’
‘I know. I’d better get a move on.’
‘Yeah.’
‘See you at the church.’
‘You too,’ said Emily, squeezing my hand gently.
‘Oh, you look beautiful by the way.’
‘But you haven’t even seen me,’ said Emily.
‘I don’t need to,’ I said.And that was it. I got back in my car and high-tailed it back to Wimbledon. I checked my phone on the way and I had fifteen missed calls. Most were from a very worried-sounding Ben. I called him while I was in the car.
‘I’m heading back now,’ I said. ‘Get everything ready.’
‘Where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick! I almost called the police. I was on two nines just now, Harry. Two nines!’
‘I went to see Emily. Everything’s fine. I’ll be back in thirty minutes.’
I got back, had a shower, got dressed and we were back in the car within twenty-five minutes.
‘To the church?’ said Ben.
‘Drive on,’ I said, lighting up two cigarettes and passing one to Ben.
The wedding was perfect. Granddad came through with an absolutely stunning Rolls Royce. Emily was beautiful and we all cried, especially Steve. The vicar had to stop twice and wait for his sobs to die down. Granddad and Nan sat in the front row looking as proud as I’ve ever seen them. Ben didn’t lose the rings and when Emily and I said “I do” the whole church erupted with cheers and whistles.
The moment I slipped the ring on Emily’s finger will stay with me forever. It wasn’t something I really thought about before the service. I thought about the vows, the first kiss, the nervous wait when the vicar asked if anyone present knew of any lawful impediment why we couldn’t be married, but I didn’t really think about exchanging the rings.But when I put the ring on her finger it felt like the most important moment of my life. We looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. I felt love in that second like I’d never felt before. All at once I became so calm and a happiness shone through me. I was married to the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the world and for the rest of my life, I would do whatever I could to make her happy. Putting on the ring made it real. It made everything real. We were finally husband and wife.
I’m falling asleep as I write this, but so I don’t forget anything in the morning, here are some of the highlights:
The photographer calling us Gary and Emma. No-one corrected him.
Ben giving a fantastic speech. Although a bit annoyed he mentioned the Newquay incident and the time I accidently bought a ladies coat from Camden market.
Dad giving a typical Dad speech, ‘Well done, Harry and Emily!’
Derek giving a surprisingly emotional speech. I think the occasion got to him. That and the fact there were six people in the room who knew what happened on the stag do.
Our first dance to the Take That weepie, ‘How Deep Is Your Love’. Ben couldn’t believe we didn’t choose ‘Danger Zone’ by Kenny Loggins from the Top Gun soundtrack –his favourite song.
Bano trying it on with Emily’s bridesmaid, Stella, from Kingston-upon-Thames, and getting rejected. Bano trying it on with every female at the wedding. Eventually I saw him snogging Laura, Emily’s second cousin from Norwich, who is apparently a lesbian.
Mum getting really pissed and dancing to the Madness song, ‘One Step Beyond’.
Dad getting really pissed and dancing to the Birdy song.
Ben sneaking off with Stella from Kingston-upon-Thames.
Ben sneaking back in with Stella from Kingston-upon-Thames and both looking a bit guilty.
Granddad and Nan dancing to ‘Unchained Melody’, Nan’s favourite song Granddad asked me to request it. ‘The proper version, Harry. The Righteous Brothers, none of that modern rubbish.’ It was beautiful.
Steve and a very pregnant Fiona attempting to dance to the Spandau Ballet song, ‘True’. Poor Steve couldn’t even get his arms around her.
Mum getting up on stage and singing the Take That classic, ‘Back for Good’, with Dad on backing vocals!
Derek and Pam getting all Patrick Swayze and Baby to the Dirty Dancing song. Derek unbuttoned his shirt and did all sorts of moves. He even lifted Pam up just like in the film.
However, the best part o
f the day was after everyone left and we got back to our hotel room. Emily and I were just lying in bed looking at each other.
‘I love you, Mrs Spencer,’ I said.
‘I love you, Mr Spencer,’ said Emily.
The perfect end to a perfect day.
Sunday, August 13th, 7.15 a.m.
Emily and I were woken up by a text message at six o’clock from Steve:
Fiona went into labour at two a.m. Beautiful baby girl delivered at five a.m. Her name’s Jane. OMG! xxx
I looked at Emily and she looked at me and we both smiled.
‘Do you think that will be us one day?’ I said.
‘One day,’ said Emily. ‘I’m in no rush. We have lots to do before that.’
‘Like what?’
‘I’ve always fancied going to Thailand, and how about New Year’s Eve in Rio?’
‘You’ve been talking to Ben, haven’t you?’
‘Woman’s intuition,’ she said with a beautiful smile. ‘We’d better get going. We have to be at the airport by ten o’clock.’
I looked at Emily and in that moment, I knew I needed nothing else. She was all I would ever need. My Emily. My wife.
I should probably get this down before I forget, but it does feel different. Being married that is. I don’t really know why or how, but it just is. I suppose it’s like the difference between renting a house and buying a house. We’re planting roots. We’ve stopped considering other options and we’re building sheds. You can’t build sheds when you’re renting. Trust me, I’ve asked, and they don’t like it.
If you’ve laughed out load or shed a tear reading
This Twentysomething Life,
you’ll absolutely love picking up the story several years later . . .
Read on for an extract of
THIS THIRTYSOMETHING LIFE
Being a thirtysomething man isn't easy (especially when you still yearn to be a twentysomething man). Meet Harry Spencer. History teacher, lover of snack food and terrified of growing up. When his wife Emily drops the P-Bomb, Harry is suddenly thrust into the role of expectant father.