“It isn’t easy.” Changes, they were all facing changes. And if he wanted to keep Willow in his life, he had to be willing to change.
“You’re right, it isn’t easy. You’re a great brother, a great person, but your relationships have always been about taking care of someone. That isn’t really love.” She pointed to the paper she’d handed him. “That’s my life, right there on that paper. I wrote up a one-year plan, a five-year plan and a fifteen-year plan. That’s where I want to be and what I want to do. I have goals. I have dreams of my own.”
He looked at the list. It included being a mom, taking care of herself and her children and raising horses. Taking care of herself. She had underlined that goal.
He nodded, but it sure wasn’t easy. “Good plans.”
“Yes, they are. And you need to make a few plans of your own.” She smiled, his little sister, strong and a force to be reckoned with. “Plans that don’t include taking care of me.”
“I’m being lectured.” He shook his head at this fact.
“Yes, you are. I think that I have to give you a push so that you’ll let me take the steps I need to in my own life. And when you go home, make nice with Willow and let her love you back. Give her room to breathe.”
He sat back, realizing what she was telling him. He had been acting like everyone else in Willow’s life, taking over and making decisions for her. He should have concentrated on the one thing he realized he really wanted to do.
He wanted to love her.
But he didn’t know if she’d be willing to let him. She had walls, and because of him, the walls were now a little higher, and harder to climb.
The phone rang. Willow didn’t want to mess with it so she let it go to voice mail. She ignored Janie’s questioning look.
“Don’t you want to take that?”
Willow shook her head and walked over to the table where the boys were coloring horse pictures that she had printed off the computer. Clint had been gone for four days.
She didn’t want to think about missing him or why she missed him. The boys missed him. They had cried last night, and she had come close to crying with them.
This was tougher than being thirteen and falling in love with an image, someone she didn’t really know. That had been a crush, built around a fictional cowboy with Clint’s face.
This was different. This went deeper, because now she knew the cowboy. She had held his hand. He had held her.
Letting go of the real thing would be harder than letting go of the dream she’d built all those years ago.
But she had other things to think about. She had an event in a week. She had young bulls that needed to be sold.
Her heart was breaking. That was the hardest thing to come to terms with. She hadn’t expected it to happen this way, with her missing Clint and feeling as if she had missed out on something.
“Willow, why are you doing this to yourself?” Janie’s question was soft. Willow didn’t know if her aunt was whispering, or if it was a bad day.
She turned, smiling for her aunt. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“You’re ignoring phone calls. You’re ignoring my questions about what happened between you and…”
Willow raised a hand to stop her aunt. The boys were coloring, but she knew they heard and paid attention to everything. They were smart little guys.
“Let’s go outside,” Janie suggested, motioning to the front door.
Willow followed, telling the boys to keep coloring, and to not forget their juice. She moved the juice boxes closer and ruffled the hair of each boy as she walked out.
Janie was waiting for her. Waiting, and Willow knew that everything she’d thought about over the last week had to be said.
“Janie, it’s time for you to let go. You need to move to Florida. You can’t let that condo sit there empty.”
“I’ll go when I’m ready. But right now, you need me, and Jenna is going to need me.”
“We’ll both be fine, I bet. And if we need you, we’ll call. But you have to go, or you’ll regret letting this pass you by.”
“Do you regret, Willow?”
“I don’t know what that means.” She sat down on the porch swing and kicked to make it rock. Janie took the seat opposite. “Do I regret what?”
“Do you regret that you pushed Clint away?”
Willow kicked the swing again to keep it moving. Janie reached out and stopped the momentum. “Don’t ignore me.”
“I’m not. I need time to think. I don’t believe I pushed him away. I made a decision. Janie, when he learned about my hearing, he changed. He started treating me like an invalid.”
“Then talk to him.”
“I did. He can’t help himself. He takes over. That’s who he is. And I’m me. I can’t stop being the person that I am, just to let him be the tough guy.”
“What are you going to do with this place if you don’t have help? You’re going to have to have someone, so why not Clint?”
“Because that isn’t how I want him in my life, taking over, making decisions for me. Taking care of me.”
She wanted him to love her. She had gained so much in the last few years. She had gained faith, and friends. She had confidence in herself, and in her abilities. She had a business that she loved.
And Clint. He had to be included in the things she had gained. And lost.
“Janie, it isn’t unusual for me to have people in my life who can’t handle my deafness. Maybe Clint can’t handle it. It does mean a whole different kind of relationship.”
“Some people can’t handle it, Willow. But when God brings the right person that person will be able to handle it.”
Clint. That’s the person Janie meant. And Willow wanted it to be so. But she blocked the thought because she didn’t want to be hurt again. Another broken heart, and the world would run out of duct tape.
“I’ve considered selling the bulls,” Willow admitted, and it hurt to say it out loud for the first time. It didn’t feel right.
“Oh, Willow, you stubborn girl. You’d rather sell the bulls than ask for help.”
“I don’t know.”
Janie moved to the swing and patted Willow’s knee. “Will you pray about this? Don’t rush into something and then have more regrets.”
“I’ve been praying.”
“And you think this is the right choice, the right direction to take?”
“I don’t know yet.” She had to take each day as it came. “I’m not sure how to feel or what to do.”
A delivery van rumbled down the road, interrupting their conversation. Willow stood as the van stopped and the driver got out. He hurried up the walk, and she held on to Bell, who had a distaste for men in brown uniforms.
“Willow Michaels?” he asked, looking at the package to read her name. Her regular driver knew that without asking.
“Yes.”
“Package. Sign here.” He held up the electronic clipboard, she signed and he handed over a box.
“What is it?” Janie asked as Willow walked back across the porch.
“No idea.”
“Open it.”
“I am.” Willow slid her fingernail down the side of the box, loosening the tape. She pulled out a box and realized it was from the catalogue she’d been looking at days ago.
She opened the box and looked at the phone, the very phone she had circled in her catalogue. Her eyes watered as she read over the typed gift card inside the box. “Because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. This is a step forward.”
“Clint did this,” she whispered.
Janie patted her arm. And Willow didn’t know what to say. It had always felt as if he was taking over. But now he was giving her freedom. He was giving her room to breathe, to be strong.
“He’s a good man, Willow.”
“I know he is.”
“Okay, we’ll both make hard choices. I’m going to plan on leaving for Florida at the end of August, after I go to Texas
and spend a week or so with Jenna. That’s the date I’m giving myself. Now, your turn.”
Willow laughed, Janie made it seem so easy. “I don’t know which to tackle first, the bulls or Clint.”
“Both.” Janie smiled. “Follow the old saying, ‘take the bull by the horns.’”
“That’s dangerous.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“Loving him and losing myself. Or loving him and not being able to give him everything.”
“That isn’t love, Willow. You find yourself when you fall in love. But you won’t know if you don’t give it a chance.”
Willow nodded but she wondered how she could give love a chance when she knew what her future held and what she wouldn’t be able to give to a relationship.
No one was at home. Clint opened the door after knocking a few times and peeked inside. Silent. He walked out to the garage. Janie’s Cadillac was gone. Willow’s truck was there. Janie must have taken the boys somewhere. So where was Willow?
On the way home from Texas he had felt his insides tensing, but in a way he hadn’t experienced before. He’d had that keyed-up feeling on bulls, just before the gate opened. But this was different. This feeling felt a lot like going home to someone that he missed. And hadn’t expected to miss, not like this.
She was in the corral with her new mare. She stood in the center of the arena, the horse on a lunge line, trotting in a wide circle. He watched the two work, the woman and the horse. Willow whistled, and the mare changed from a trot to slow gallop. She must have sensed him watching her, because she turned and smiled. The smile was reserved, as if she had questions.
He had questions, too.
She spoke to the horse, and the mare stopped, standing still, legs square and ears alert. He had to admit she’d made a good choice with the Arabian. Willow walked up to the horse, spoke softly, petting the mare’s neck, and then she turned and walked up to the fence. The horse walked at her side.
“Welcome home.” She acted as if she didn’t know what to expect from him. “Janie took the boys to Tulsa to shop for school clothes.”
“I see.”
“How is Jenna?”
“Strong. Like you.” He hoped that would thaw the ice. It helped a little. She smiled.
Funny, he had thought he was rescuing her. But she had rescued him. She had introduced him to what it felt like to fall in love. And now he had to wonder if she was going to let him tell her.
“Thank you for the phone.” She leaned against the fence. He opened the gate and walked through to join her.
“Is it the one you wanted?”
“It is. You were snooping in my office again.”
“I confess, I snooped.” Distracted, he rubbed the mare’s velvety face. “Willow, I want you to know that I’m not trying to take over.”
She laughed and he looked up, meeting blue eyes that melted his heart. “You were.”
“Yeah, maybe I was. I’m kind of used to taking care of people.”
“Being taken care of isn’t the problem. You taking over like you think I can’t take care of myself, that’s the problem.”
“I know, and I’m working on that. I’ve always been a fixer. But you don’t need to be fixed.” He ducked under the head of the horse and stood next to Willow. The mare pushed at him, so he took the lead rope and tied her to a post.
“No, I don’t. But I’m working on letting people help me.” She smiled up at him, and he felt his world coming undone. Maybe, just maybe, he could be the cowboy who took care of her forever.
If he asked, would she say yes?
Willow slipped her hands into his and waited, expectantly, for him to give her a hint that maybe, just maybe this could last. She had prayed for this moment, for God to show her if this man would be the one who wouldn’t walk away.
She hadn’t realized how much she wanted that, not until the phone arrived and she realized that as much as he had seemed to be taking over, he did know when to back away.
He had listened to her. And he knew to let her be strong.
“I’m sorry, Willow. I didn’t give you the credit you deserve. You’re smart and beautiful and strong, and you don’t need me to rescue you.”
“Sometimes I do, Clint.” She enjoyed saying it, enjoyed the widening of his gray eyes and the tender smile that chased away his frown, and dissolved the worry lines that had gathered at the corners of his mouth.
“How often?”
“How often do I need you to rescue me?” She smiled. “Maybe more often than I realized. Clint, sometimes I’m really afraid of what is happening. I’m afraid of the silence. And I’m afraid of being alone.”
He took off his hat and dropped it over a post. His gray eyes were intense, holding her gaze. He smiled a little.
“That’s honest,” he said. “Thank you for that.”
“I guess it’s time for honesty. Right?”
“Right. I’m glad you might need to be rescued, because I have something on my mind.” He tangled his fingers in the hair at the back of her neck and pulled her close, his touch gentle and her heart teetering on the edge.
“Really? What?”
“I have forever on my mind.” He signed the words as he spoke.
“Okay, we can talk about forever,” she whispered, her hand on his arm, pulling him even closer, needing him closer. She liked that his scent was as familiar to her as rain on a summer morning. “Why do you have forever on your mind?”
And she was afraid, because there needed to be more honesty between them.
“Because I can’t think of forever without you.”
All the right words, but she’d heard those words before. “Clint, have you really thought about this, about my hearing, about babies?”
She choked on those words, and he pulled her closer, holding her so that her cheek was against the warmth of his neck and his arms were strong around her waist.
“I’ve thought about everything, Willow. And I can’t think of anything but loving you.” He pulled back, but his hands remained on her waist. “Willow, would you consider loving a cowboy who has a bad habit of rescuing the women in his life?”
“Do you rescue a lot of women?”
He leaned, his forehead touching hers. Willow closed her eyes as his hands moved up her arms to rest on her shoulders. His touch was gentle, his hands calloused but familiar.
“I’d like to think about having only one woman to rescue for the rest of my life, and hers.”
“Do you have a certain woman in mind?” Her eyes were still closed.
His lips touched hers, gentle, persuasive, letting her know in no uncertain terms what woman he wanted to rescue for the rest of his life.
And she wanted to be rescued.
He kissed her one last time, and then he pulled away. Willow opened her eyes, still dazed, still trying to think about forever with this man.
“I do have a woman in mind.” He kissed her again, at the corner of her mouth and then on her temple. “And I want to make a promise that I’ll only rescue you when you need to be rescued.” He smiled. “And maybe sometimes when you need it, but don’t think so. But I promise to listen when you tell me I’m taking over, and I promise to back off and give you space to be strong.”
“I like that idea. If you’ll agree to let me rescue you every now and then.”
He smiled and pulled her close again. “You already rescued me.”
“I like the idea of forever.” With a cowboy whose heart was true, and who loved her completely. “We can rescue each other.”
And it was just like her dream sixteen years earlier. She had a forever-cowboy, one whose heart was true, and who didn’t walk away.
Dear Reader,
When I think of Willow Michaels, I think of all the strong women that I know, or have known. I want to be one of those women, someone who trusts God and overcomes. I want to be Peter, willing to step out of the boat and walk on water, even if I do sink from time to time. To be that strong woman,
we need to learn to trust God, believing He is, and that He is able. We also need to trust ourselves, the decisions we make and our ability to handle difficult times or situations. Sometimes we let ourselves down, or we even feel as if God has let us down. At times the people we counted on, or trusted, knowingly or unknowingly let us down. That doesn’t mean the end of the road. It’s merely a starting place, a detour, a new route that we hadn’t expected.
We move on. We forgive. We rebuild. In the process, we grow. In A COWBOY’S HEART, Willow is like so many of us: she’s walking that walk of faith, stumbling, but getting back up again.
Pray hard, stand strong.
Brenda Minton
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION
Willow Michaels lost a child, her husband, and now she’s facing complete and profound deafness. Situations that we encounter cement our faith, making it personal. What milestone in your life created that moment when your faith became real and tangible for the first time?
Willow is embarrassed when Aunt Janie reintroduces her to Clint Cameron at the rodeo, because she’d had a crush on him when they were younger. Have you ever been faced with a person from your past? How did you handle it? Was it easy? Awkward?
Willow tries to avoid discussing her hearing loss. But avoiding a situation won’t make it go away. How do you think Willow felt, knowing that her hearing was getting worse?
Willow, like us, could face problems with faith, or with her own strength. Like most of us, she flounders before she finds solid ground. When does Willow seem to let go and let God take over?
Clint returns home to take care of his ailing father, a man who has been abusive and neglectful. He realizes that although he’s forgiven his father, forgetting takes longer. How do we separate the two?
Clint’s faith is strong, but he tries to take care of everyone in his life, and forgets that God is more than able to carry that burden. Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? How did you handle it?
Clint’s nephews spend a lot of time with Willow and Aunt Janie on their ranch. Do you think this was hard for Willow to handle, considering all she’d lost in her life? Why or why not?
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