by Jay Foolatum
MITCHELL: Yeah... This one is. You might know the bloke? He's got a car site in Goat Herders Street. (Gormley bursts out laughing!)
GORMLEY: That's why I wanted this car. Ahab Hunt sent me to buy it for his son's pitch. He wants to drive 'em out o' business. (Haynes is surprised by this revelation.) -- I thought I saw yer talking to one of 'em when I came by there the other day.
MITCHELL: Why's that? I get on alright with them. (Gormley begins laughing again.)
GORMLEY: You wouldn't believe it, mate, if I told yer.
FADE OUT
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
I/E. SENLAC -- DAY
Francesca, and others of Pellam's old friends and associates, are moving into their respective houses and apartments in the south-coast seaside town of Senlac.
END FLASHBACK.
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/LOUNGE - NIGHT
It is evening, and Arfur and Gwynne Smallthorn are relaxing, watching television.
ARFUR: 'E seems a nice lad, Mick, done 'e?
GWYNNE: Mick?
ARFUR: Mordred's mate.
GWYNNE: Mitch? -- Yeah, 'spose so!
ARFUR: Reckons one of 'is mates works up in the City.
GWYNNE: (uninterested) Yeah?
ARFUR: Reckons 'e's privy to a foolproof credit card scam. They reckon it'll bring the entire banking system down. (pause) I can't remember now 'ow he said it works. -- I'll 'ave to ask Mick. But all yer ‘ave to do is give 'em yer bank account number and they'll pay the dosh straight into yer account. That's all there is to it! I 'spose it's just like a mistake from the credit card company.
GWYNNE: (sarcastic) I’m sure!
ARFUR: Wait 'til I tell Ray and Barney; -- they'll fucking love me! (beat) In fact, I might ring Ray now! (realization) Bollocks! I bet Mordred's on that internet, inn 'e!
GWYNNE: Yeah, I think so.
ARFUR: 'E's a fucking nuisance; always on it! (beat) Looking at pictures o' birds, I 'spose! I dunno why they don't go out and get girlfriends, do you?
GWYNNE: I wouldn't go being too hasty! It might all be a load of bullshit?
ARFUR: Mick ain't likely to make things up, is 'e! (Gwynne just shaked her head at her husband's impossible nature!)
EXT. HAYNES'S HOUSE -- DAY
HAYNES: (incredulous) Fuck off!
GORMLEY: (still highly amused) Nuh, mate, it's true! Ask anyone!
HAYNES: You mean to tell me his voice kept being heard at his old school, and so the headmaster arranged for all the old girl pupils to move near him, so they could give him a charity fuck?
GORMLEY: (laughing) Yeah.
HAYNES: Who paid for it all?
GORMLEY: (still laughing) Them, I think! -- and the 'eadmaster. ‘E's got a few quid, -- apparently. (Haynes is still incredulous.)
HAYNES: What you finding so funny though?
GORMLEY: 'Cause we've managed to fuck 'em... (pauses to laugh all the more) And he aint 'ad any of 'em! (more soberly) -- And we want it to stay that way!
HAYNES: Stay that way? (pause) How come he ain't had any of 'em? (beat) Who else wants it to stay that way?
GORMLEY: (resuming laughing again) 'E was too scared to ask any of 'em out. (beat) I tell you what, mate! I ain't never had so much sex, -- or such great sex. Me and -- you know Sy
Shorters?
HAYNES: Yeah. -- in your year at school.
GORMLEY: Well, me and 'im -- and the 'Unt boys -- you know old man 'Unt's sons, Wally and Willy?
HAYNES: Yeah, I know 'em.
GORMLEY: We fucking have orgies with 'em. -- We pick 'em up from nightclubs and shit, at night, and all have a fucking orgy with 'em! (laughs to himself) Squeaker's got a tiny prick! but even he get's it off them. (Haynes realises that 'Squeaker' is the nickname of Willy Hunter.) -- I tell yer what, there's always more than one bird for every one of us. (pause) I'll cut yer in on it, if yer want?
Haynes is thoughtful.
HAYNES: I'm not being funny, but I don't recall any of you lot having much success with birds before. (Gormley is offended.)
GORMLEY: I always did alright. (beat) What about 'Obson? I 'ad 'er. (Haynes is unconvinced.)
HAYNES: And what's Mordred's brother think of it?
GORMLEY: 'Ates it! (a nasty smile grows on his face) That's what makes it so much fun! We rub it in whenever we can!
HAYNES: That's not very nice though, is it?
GORMLEY: Mate, he ain't very nice! 'E wrote these letters to one of the birds (espression turning to angry) slagging us all off. (beat) 'E even slagged ol' man 'unt off! -- And ‘is ol’ dear. She's a lovely ol' woman too!
HAYNES: Well, they ain't never done me any harm! -- the Hunts. (beat) I don't know Mordred's brother though. I ain't had much to do with him. Keeps himself to himself... Seems a bit of a boring cunt!
GORMLEY: 'E is, mate! -- 'Orrible cunt too! (beat) 'E even slagged off Hunt's old woman!
HAYNES: Yeah, I know. -- You said!
GORMLEY: That's why you should 'elp us get the rest of 'is birds.
HAYNES: Birds? I thought you said you had them all?
GORMLEY: (turning angry) There's a few who feel sorry for 'im; -- all dogs, mind!
HAYNES: Why d'you all want them then?
GORMLEY: Just to get 'im back for calling us!
HAYNES: How can I help you though?
GORMLEY: (cheering-up) We used to 'ave one of me mates on the inside -- Ginge. D'yer remember 'im?
HAYNES: Yeah, vaguely.
GORMLEY: 'E moved away, -- to Gayton. (laughs to himself) I gave 'im a right digging! It was over this business. 'E thought ‘e was in charge. But Wally 'Unt's the guvnor; and I'm 'is right-'and man! (laughs to himself) The 'Unts might have the money, but they ain't exactly 'ard!
HAYNES: Nuh, I remember they were always crying at school. (Both men laugh at the recollection.)
GORMLEY: That's all changed now though!They're like kingpins, or somethink, -- and that's all thanks to me! (pause) But, as I was saying, you could be our mole on the inside. -- Start spying. See what yer can find out. -- Ginge -- 'cause he worked for 'em -- found out they weren't rich. (laughs again) 'Cause those birds thought they were!
HAYNES: I don't think they're exactly hard up!
GORMLEY: (angry) They ain't got a pot! mate. Ginge discovered all that out!
There is a brief pause in the conversation.
GORMLEY: Squeaker's after Merc; -- 'e's obsessed with 'er! She ain't bad! I must say; --massive tits! (beat) 'E said we can split the rest between us.
HAYNES: (sarcastic) That's good of him!
GORMLEY: (pause, before a particularly sly look) The thing is, when Squeaker's found someone else -- and 'e will; 'cause ‘e always does -- and dumps 'er, then she'll come looking to me for some serious consoling. And being Squeaker's best mate, I'm always the first to know, and be there.
HAYNES: So, the ones left are dogs?
GORMLEY: One or two ain't bad.
For a while, the two stare at the car that is for sale; -- a 1989 Honda Accord.
HAYNES: Nineteen seventy-six it was when this series first came out.
Gormley suddenly ups and leaves.
GORMLEY: Ok, mate, let me know if you find out anything!
MITCHELL: (surprised) D'yer not want the Honda?
Gormley looks back at the car with a slight look of amusement.
GORMLEY: Nuh, mate. Yer have no trouble selling it though! (Haynes watches on, slightly puzzled.)
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE/KITCHEN - DAY
Mitchell Haynes is a guest at the Smallthorn's abode and is in discussion with Arfur and Mordred Smallthorn.
HAYNES: They're good motors. I like 'em! -- D'you know, it was nineteen seventy-six when Honda first began the Accord range?
ARFUR: Yeah, I suppose it must've been.
HAYNES: It was! Took over from the ol' Honda 1300.
ARFUR: Oh, yeah. I remember them.
HAYNES: They first started making them in nineteen sixty-nine.
ARFUR: Was it as early as that?
H
AYNES: Yeah. I'm trying to remember the exact date. -- It escapes me!
ARFUR: (turning to his son; joking) 'E's a boring cunt!
HAYNES: Nuh, nuh, I'll remember it in the end. -- If not, I'll have to look it up when I get in. I've got a manual on every model ever made!
ARFUR: Oh, come on: not every model?
HAYNES: I have!
ARFUR: What about a Volkswagen Valiant?
HAYNES: Yep! Got one on them. -- And it's 'Variant', not 'Valiant'. -- Manufactured from nineteen sixty-one until nineteen seventy-three. First assembled in Wolfsburg; later Emden. Also made in Brazil and Australia. A one point five or one point six... (makes a point for emphasis) 'L'. (beat) What speed transmission though?
ARFUR: (light-hearted mocking) Four, -- yer... (beat) What about a Wartburg? (Haynes is not happy to have this fired at him. -- At that moment, Pellam enters the kitchen, and makes his way through it, unacknowledged by the other three men. Haynes's countenance darkens.
HAYNES: (aimed at Pellam) They were rubbish. Not good enough.-- Not good enough, them!
ARFUR: (sighs) There was some great ol' cars in the past. -- They kept 'em simple, like. None of these electric gadgets to go wrong.
When Pellam has passed, Haynes resumes as before.
HAYNES: I saw Gary Gormley the other day. -- He messed me about on the Accord. (To Mordred) You know him, don't yer?
MORDRED: I don't think so!
HAYNES: (sly) Anyway, he knew you! -- He said something about your brother having loads of birds him and his mates are after. (The Smallthorns are silently amused to hear this.)
ARFUR: Oh, yeah. 'E did, but they're all gone now. A couple of lads in Ire Village have got 'em all. (falsely sympathetic) It's for the best. They're better off. -- And 'e don't want 'em anyway. (feigned laughter) 'E prefers reading and watching TV. (Arfur is amused by his own explanation.)
HAYNES: Not all of them! Gormo said there's still a few left over. Mostly crap, but there's one: Mercedes, who's hot. (Arfur is not happy to hear it.)
MORDRED: Yeah, she is!
HAYNES: He said he'll split them with me if they get them. -- His mate Squeaker's after Mercedes. -- His ol' man's bought him a Range Rover to help him. (This news cheers Arfur, and he rubs his hands together.)
HAYNES: (continuing) Gormo drives the motor, pretending like he's Squeaker's chauffeur. (beat) He ain't even insured to drive it! (beat) Great big bull-bars on it. The birds love it!
ARFUR: Ain't the other boy interested in 'em?
HAYNES: What, Shades?
ARFUR: (turning to his son) What's 'is name? Will?
MORDRED: Wally. -- Monk says it was Walter, or something like that.
HAYNES: I so didn't believe Gormo, that I had to ask Monk, and he said it was true.
ARFUR: Oh, yeah; 'e won't tell a lie, Leigh--
HAYNES: (incredulous) Well!
ARFUR: (laughing) Well, not about that!
HAYNES: Nuh, Shades says he's not interested in them. Says he's had 'em all anyway. (Arfur is thoughtful.) There's one person who might be able to help them though.
ARFUR: 'Oo's that?
HAYNES: Tabs. She's one of their mates (laughs) Well, they think she is! She just hangs about with them to see what she can glean. (laughs again) She goes out with them and rings Squeaker up when they're due to come home at night. (laughs again) They wonder how he always knows where they are! -- It's a good way to counter...Will's power. And they never suss it! (Again, Arfur looks thoughtful.)
HAYNES: Mind you, most of the town keeps Squeaker informed on the girls’ movements anyway. Ol' man Hunt is well respected.
ARFUR: Yeah, I've 'eard that! -- from Leigh.
ART: (blurting out) Mum says Mercedes' mum was a right slag when she was younger. (Haynes takes that information in with a smirk of satisfaction.)
LATER
Haynes has gone. The very instance of his doing so, Arfur sprints upstairs to where Pellam is, in his bedroom.
INT. 91 GEORGIAN HOUSE/LAWD'S BEDROOM - DAY
Pellam is in his bedroom, writing a letter.
INSERT: LETTER
Dear Nicole,
Please accept my apologies for writing to you again ...
FADE OUT
INTERCUT TO ARFUR, OUTSIDE PELLAM'S DOOR.
ARFUR: (singing, whilst trying to contain his mirth) On the fourth of July, eighteen-o-six, we set sail from the sweet cove o' Cork. We were sailin' away with a cargo o' bricks, for the Grand City Hall in New York. 'Twas a wonderful craft, she woz rigged fore an' aft, an' oh 'ow the wild wind drove 'er. She stood sev'ral blasts, she 'ad twen'y-seven masks. And they called 'e the Range Rover. (Arfur can contain his mirth no longer at the end of the song.)
INTERCUT TO PELLAM IN HIS ROOM.
PELLAM: (thinking) What's this shit all about now!
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/HALL - NIGHT
Arfur is alone, talking to himself.
ARFUR: (as if thinking) Tabitha? Tabitha? Tabitha? -- I like that girl! I like that girl! (At that moment, Pellam passes through the hall. Arfur is too deep in thought to notice him.
PELLAM: (thinking) Tabitha? I wonder? Surely she can't be here? (beat) If she is, then she'll almost definitely be working against me!
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
I/E. CAR -- DAY (STATIONERY)
The family are seated in their car, in a high street, when Gwynne gets out to visit a local shop.
ARFUR: Might as well get the milk now, eh? boys, as stop off on the way back.
PELLAM: Mmm. -- (thinking) Well, here I am! back in the sacred homeland; -- and in the best form of me life! (beat) Shame it was just a whistle-stop!
I/E. SHELLEY HIGH STREET -- DAY
Looking at the Smallthorns from the window of the shop Mrs Smallthorn had entered into, is Tabitha Thoms. She is amused, and smug as ever.
I/E. CAR -- DAY (STATIONERY)
Pellam becomes aware of her.
PELLAM: (thinking) I've seen 'er somewhere before! I wonder if that's that Tabitha, from school? She'd be about sixteen now. (beat) She trod on me finger once, -- deliberately.
FADE TO BLACK
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
INT. PRIMARY SCHOOL/ASSEMBLY HALL -- DAY
The pupils are departing assembly, bit by bit. Pellam is still behind, and sat on the floor. He feels a sharp pain in his left, pinky finger. He looks up, to realise that Tabitha Thoms, who is standing behind him, had deliberately trod on it. She gives him an evil smile.
END FLASHBACK.
EXT. 54 IRE VILLAGE -- DAY
There is a barbecue going on in the back garden of the Hunts' house. All the Hunts and their Ginj-mate friends are there, as well as a large group of Pellam's women; -- Francesca being one amongst them. Creepy Gary Gormley mans the barbecue, whilst Shorters hands out cans of beer and other drinks. There is a hot tub, and the fat bodies of the Hunts gather around it. Shades sits by it, and Ahab and Squeaker are in the pool. Bertha sits nearby. She has a cardigan on, which is in stark contrast to the swimming trunks and bikinis of the rest of the party. Even the immensely wrinkly Ahab is stripped to his trunks.
AHAB: (to his wife) You expecting snow, or something? mum.
BERTHA: Can't be too careful! dad. (Ahab curses his wife, under his breath. -- He cannot keep his eyes from slyly taking in the two girls he is flanked by in the tub. All the girls present have small breasts. -- Ahab takes a look around the surroundings.)
AHAB: It's secluded enough 'ere. There's nothink stopping you girls from going topless. (The girls do not take the hint, much to Ahab's chagrin.)
INT. GEORGIAN HOUSE/STAIRS -- DAY
Pellam passes Arfur on the stair.
ARFUR: What sort of motor you after next? Yours must be out of MOT soon, Will?
PELLAM: Yeah, August the... Late August. (beat) Another jeep'll be good.
ARFUR: I'll keep me eyes open. Ask Ray if 'e's 'eard of anything. (stopping briefly, to think) I think he mentioned a 4 b' 4 Mercedes the other day.
As Pellam nears the bot
tom of the stairs, and Arfur the top, Arfur resumes.
ARFUR: It'll have even more gadgets in it than your one, 'cause it's a year or two newer. (thinking) I don't think it had bull-bars though. Yer don't want 'em, do yer?