I forced the tragic thought from my mind. Cadence was awake and alert... and silent. The relief I felt for Cadence being safe was inexplicable.
Positioning her carefully on the sofa, I propped her up with a bunch of pillows and blankets, and her favorite purple stuffed bear…the bear that Grayson had won for me at the fair. Even after everything I went through with Grayson, I still hadn't been able to part with it, and I'd given the bear to Cadence on the day that she was born. I had found solace in the fact that she now carried it close to her heart.
She clenched the bear to her chest, her eyes focused on my face. I stared at her in turn, forcing all other thoughts out of my head. I didn't want to break down crying in front of her.
"Hey, my rhythm," I whispered, stroking her face. Usually, Cadence's lips would split into a wide grin and she'd throw her arms around my neck. Cadence said nothing; she barely even blinked. "I'm going to go get something to eat. Do you want something to eat?"
She shook her head, burying her face in the worn material of the purple bear. "I want Mommy," she whispered, big fat tears rolling down her plump cheeks. I brushed back a strand of her dark hair, my heart breaking all over again. I didn't know what to say. I looked up at my parents, who were lingering in the foyer, holding each other and watching us with destroyed expressions on their faces.
"Oh, Cadence," I said, my voice breaking as I gathered Cadence's tiny body into my arms. I held her close to me, wanting to draw out all the pain and confusion she must be feeling.
***
I lay in the bed of my old room, gently rubbing Cadence's back as she drifted off to sleep. Cadence had barely said a word all day, and had barely eaten either. I was at a complete loss, not knowing how to help her.
I watched as her breathing slowed with sleep. I remained there for several more minutes, making sure that she was truly out. I glanced around my old bedroom, the shapes and shadows as familiar to me as they had been when I was still living here.
I hadn't been back in years, but everything was mostly the same. My lilac bedspread and the furniture I grew up with were still there. The photos of me and my friends from our high school days were still taped to my mirror.
The only changes that were made had been minor. There were more stuffed animals that were slowly accumulated over the years for Cadence, as well as a crayon drawing that had been scrawled on my old white desk.
My sister and Cadence hadn't lived with my parents; Julia rented a house in town. Cadence went for sleepovers at Gramma's and Papa's every other weekend since she was a baby to give Julia a break. Naturally, she had needed an army of stuffed animals to sleep with.
Mom told me that Cadence used to sleep in Julia's old room until she started insisting on sleeping in mine. I didn't know why she'd chosen my room, but I couldn't help but wonder if it was so she could feel closer to me. The ever present guilt welled up, roaring over me in waves.
I pressed my lips gently to her forehead, feeling exhausted and broken and completely lost. I longed for somebody to tell me what I was supposed to do now.
My relationship with Julia hadn't always been perfect, but we'd grown close in the past five years. Julia was there for me, always rallying for me and coming to my rescue when I needed it...like the night of semi-formal, when I'd called her in a panic. She'd been there the day that I signed on with the record label. Julia believed with utmost confidence that we were going to make it big. That I was going to make it big. Her belief in me was unwavering and solid.
I wiped a tear from my eye, my heart yearning for just one more conversation with my sister. She'd know what to do. She always knew what to do.
Slowly and carefully, I pulled my body out from the bed, tucking the purple bear closer to Cadence. She grabbed it, hugging it tightly underneath her chin, and rolled over. Soft snores filled the room as I tip-toed out. I closed the door softly behind me and stood in the hallway.
Julia's bedroom was just across the hall, where it had always been. I swallowed hard, blinking away the tears. It was too soon for me to go in there and see her in my memories, in the things that she'd left behind when she moved herself and Cadence to their own house.
A gentle but firm knocking on the front door broke my attention from staring helplessly at Julia's old, closed bedroom door.
My parents were finally sleeping for what I could only guess was the first time in over two days, and I didn't want to wake them so I descended the stairs quickly and silently. I opened the door, peering outside to see who it was.
I was engulfed in a sea of auburn hair and arms. "Oh, Everly," Aubrey said, her voice full of emotion. "Kyle called me. He asked me to come check on you, said you weren't answering your phone."
"Of course I wasn't answering my phone," I said, pulling away rather abruptly. I stood aside, motioning for Aubrey to come in while I warily checked the outside bushes for paparazzi. Now that I was a well-known celebrity, it wasn't uncommon for reporters to lurk outside, trying to snap a quick photo of me for some stupid tabloid magazine.
I eventually stopped coming home because every time I did, the news broke out and then my parents' front yard was swarmed by fans... and none of them were local. They came from miles. The townspeople had watched me grow up, and while they were just as proud of a small town girl making it big in the music industry, they respected my family enough to not intrude on the time I was there with them. The other fans though... they didn't seem to care if they snapped photos of me and my family, and almost all of them would end up on some trashy magazine cover.
The last thing I wanted was for my family to be harassed by the paparazzi. It was easier to just invite them to LA, where all security would expertly ensure that nobody trespassed for a picture.
The bushes were clear, but I still closed the door quickly behind her. My heart felt incredibly heavy in my chest.
Aubrey looked at me with concern, like I would break and shatter if the wind blew the wrong way. "I'm so sorry," she said, stepping toward me. I allowed my old friend to draw me back into her arms and comfort me.
Aubrey and I still spoke regularly. She came to any show that we played locally and she'd also visit me in LA. She remained close to our hometown, pursuing her teaching career. She was no longer dating Marcus—she couldn't handle him being on the road all the time—but they were still friendly...really friendly.
"I can't believe she's gone," I said, shaking my head with disbelief. The tears threatened to start up again. I blinked them away furiously. I had plenty of time to cry later.
"What are you going to do?" she whispered, her head automatically turning toward the stairs.
"I don't know," I whispered back, my face still buried in her shoulder.
Chapter Two
Grayson
"YOUR USUAL, GRAYSON?" Katrina's sleek voice purred as she leaned over the bar and eyed me suggestively, her cleavage spilling out from her tight tank top. I pulled out a barstool and sat down, scowling at her while I gave a curt nod.
She grabbed a tumbler and poured me a whiskey on the rocks, sliding it over to me and using her bar towel to quickly wipe up the trail of condensation. I lifted the glass to my lips, the ice clinking against it while I took a deep sip. The whiskey warmed my throat. I set the glass back down on the bar, aware that Katrina was still staring at me.
"Don't you have someone else to serve?" I muttered, still scowling.
"Dude, this is Tap's on a Monday night. You and Tom are my only customers." Katrina rolled her eyes, gesturing to the almost empty bar. It was true; the night life in this town was prehistoric.
I raised my glass to old Tom Grady, the only other person at the bar, and took a deep gulp. Tom was damn near ninety years old, and he was there every night, staring into his glass of brandy with a defeated look on his weathered face. I knew this because I was there almost every night.
It had been two years since I returned home. In that time, I'd learned the ins and outs of my father's business and officially took it over after he su
ffered from a heart attack. He was still kicking around; he just decided to step down from his position and spend more time with Vanessa and the girls, leaving me to manage the company and the crews.
I bought land and built a house on the outskirts of Newcastle. I had no reason to leave the area. Once I was settled in, all of our clientele came to seek me out. Dixon Construction Ltd was a big name, and I was busy trying to meet the demands of our massively growing clientele with my three separate crews. Work was crazy enough that I was in the midst of putting together a fourth crew.
Work kept me busy during the day, but when the night came, my demons came out to play. I usually tried to drown them before they could wear me down, using either whiskey or women.
Judging by the patrons at and the person behind the bar, my coping method of choice was going to be whiskey tonight.
Tom Grady lifted his empty glass at Katrina without raising his tired eyes, signaling that he needed another drink. I had no idea what Tom's full story was, but from the town gossip I'd managed to overhear, it was similar to mine.
He had lost the love of his life, only Tom hadn't lost her to his own stupidity. He hadn't forcefully pushed her from his life. Tom had been married for sixty-five years to her, and when she'd passed away two years previously, he lost half his heart and soul. He started spending more and more time at Tap’s because he had nothing else, just like me.
I stared into the dark honey color of my whiskey with a grim face. I had nobody to go home to either, and I didn't want just anybody. I wanted the one girl that haunted my dreams and my every conscious moment. I wanted the girl that made me give a shit, the girl that made me want to be better. I wanted the girl whose voice I heard all the time.
I frowned, my ears perking up to the sound of her actual voice as it poured out from the speakers. My heart started to race as her soulful lyrics brought her flawless face to mind. I closed my eyes, the familiar hurt and pain of losing her consuming me. I didn't usually listen to her music. I couldn't. Her voice unsettled me and reminded me of all that I lost. It didn't help that almost all the lyrics she harmonized were about love and loss and relationships falling apart.
Katrina was humming along to it distractedly, wiping down glasses and setting them on the underside of the bar. I glared deeper at her, tossing back the rest of my drink and slamming the empty glass down with enough force to make her jump.
She clued in, quickly changing the radio station to a different song and guiltily pouring another two fingers of whiskey in my glass while avoiding my eyes. She kept biting the inside of her cheek, like she had something to say but was afraid to broach the subject.
Katrina had changed since high school. She was no longer the catty girl who tried to sabotage my relationships, mainly because I hadn't had a relationship since Everly, but also because my five-year disappearing act had rattled her. While I would have never called us close, Katrina did. I was the person that remained longest in her life. I was her familiarity. In high school, she wanted me. We'd hooked up a few times but she read more into it than me.
When I started dating Everly, when I was really trying to be a decent person, Katrina got jealous. She came over uninvited the night of semi-formal, the night I laid a fraction of my rage into Kyle Russell’s face. She'd stood at my door all but sobbing, telling me that some asshole at that party forced himself on her.
I was trying to be a good friend, trying to comfort her. Then she got all grabby with me, and I didn't react at first because my brain seized and I froze. I made the biggest mistake of my life— I kissed her back.
I wasn't used to saying no to the girls that threw themselves at me. If they wanted it, I was happy enough to oblige. I was seventeen. What seventeen-year-old doesn't pop a boner if a pretty girl is stroking up against their jeans? But as my lips pressed against Katrina's, all I could think about was Everly, how I needed to make things right with her.
I shoved Katrina off of me and told her as much. She started to cry again, saying that I could do better. Katrina seemed convinced there was something going on between Everly and Kyle.
Hearing that pissed me off. I didn't think Everly would ever betray me; she'd chosen me time and time again. It pissed me off because of Kyle's words, and the fact that he was right.
She deserved better than what I had to offer.
When someone knocked on my door, I figured it was just my dad or Vanessa. I threw it open, shocked to see Everly standing on my porch. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold, and her eyes shone bright with emotion and confusion.
The events that followed set the foundation for me breaking her heart. She demanded to know why Katrina had been sitting on my bed looking freshly fucked. Katrina's gloating didn't help. Before Everly or I could speak, she called out from my bed, "Who's that, babe?"
The expression on Everly's face had turned my blood to ice. I told Katrina to get the fuck out, and she did...but not before she whispered as she passed, "Remember what I told you."
I tried to explain to Everly what happened, but I couldn't lie. Hearing that I had kissed Katrina back, just for an instant before my mind stopped seizing, completely broke her heart. That was when I decided I was done hurting her. I was done letting her down and disappointing her. She didn't ever say I did, but the look in her eyes was enough. I knew I'd only continue to fuck it up, and I panicked.
Everly was going places, and I wasn't. I tried to make her hate me. I tried to make her walk away without looking back so she could live the life that she deserved and find the person that she was supposed to be with—the person that could truly make her happy. She deserved happiness and I knew I couldn't give it to her.
That night, I paced the floor of my bedroom. I knew that if I stayed in town, I would undoubtedly try and make her mine again, because I wanted her more than anything. But I didn't want to hold her back. I wasn’t giving her what she needed, what she deserved. I took a week agonizing over what to do. Then I heard that the band got signed with the record label, and I knew I needed to escape.
I couldn't drag her down anymore. I had to let her go so she could move on, even if I couldn't. When I got the job on the oilfield work camp in Alberta, I moved without looking back...at least physically.
Mentally and spiritually, I never left. It took three years—and the help of one co-worker turned friend, Brock—for me to realize that I was never going to outrun the memory of Everly, and it didn't matter where I was. She would follow me.
"Do you want another refill?" Katrina gently prodded me back to the present. I shoved the glass away, standing up. I'd lost my taste for whiskey. The only taste I had now was for Everly.
"No," I said stiffly, tossing down a couple of bills and heading for the door.
"Grayson," Katrina's voice made me take pause by the door.
"What?" I said without turning around.
"She's back."
The blood roared to my ears as I slowly turned my body to face Katrina, my eyes hard. "What did you say?"
"She's back," Katrina repeated. She tossed the bar towel over her shoulder, pressing her palms against the bar, her eyes calmly fixed on my face. My breath hitched. I hadn't heard wrong.
"She hasn't been back in years," I argued, my teeth clenching as I looked away. I suppose another part of the reason why I returned and why I stuck around was because I kept hoping she'd return. I told myself that I wouldn't seek her out, but if she came to me, I wouldn't let her go again.
Only she hadn't come to me. She hadn't been home for the past several years. She flew her family out to see her at her place in California. Even if she did come home to Newcastle, it didn't mean anything. Her parents and sister still lived here; she wasn't back for me. As far as I knew, she'd moved on. Tabloids rumored that she was now engaged… to Kyle. She'd been spotted with a ring on her left ring finger while grabbing coffee at a Starbucks. Not that I paid attention to the trash reporting coming from Hollywood, but it was hard to turn away from her when her face was on my television screen.<
br />
"She's back now," Katrina insisted, shaking her head at me. She bit her lip, considering her words. "You should go to her."
"It's been five years, Katrina," I said tiredly, rubbing my index finger and thumb against my temple. I was getting a headache from all the yelling that was happening in my head. Go to her. Go now. Make her understand.
"Yes, it's been five years." Katrina's voice was shockingly gentle. "And you're still as in love with her as you were the day you shoved her out of your life. And she needs you now." Katrina pointed her finger at me as if she was scolding a child.
I glowered at her, but she didn't wilt away as usual. "She doesn't need me. If she needed me, I'd know it," I told her, sure of it.
"I've already apologized for my part in... what happened. But you were the one that let her walk away. You were the one that just disappeared. You are the one that's holding yourself back from moving on. I just want to see you happy, Gray," Katrina added, looking at me sadly. "And she does really need you."
"How do you know?" My voice rose with anger. Tom finally glanced up from his glass, sparing me a bored look before his gaze dropped back down.
Katrina's chest heaved as she inhaled deeply. "I saw a photo of her at the airport with her parents."
"So what?" I tried to feign indifference. I tried to hide the fact that my heartbeat was pounding frantically in my chest at the mere prospect of her being back in town.
"So...she looked upset. You should go to her. It's your chance to make things right...or your chance to truly let her go." Katrina arched an eyebrow at me, willing me to decide.
I said nothing. I just turned around and stomped out of the bar to my truck. I drove home, unable to pull my thoughts away from Everly. Was she really in town? What had brought her back? Was she with Kyle? Did thoughts of me torment her like thoughts of her tormented me?
Reckless Abandon (Damaged #2) Page 2