“I meant every word that I said to you yesterday,” I told her. Every fiber in my body wanted and needed her to believe me.
"Why?" she asked, looking up at me with the most heart-wrenching expression on her face. I swallowed hard, her eyes following the movement.
"I was fucked up, Everly." I didn't want to get into this, not like this... not right now—not in the middle of her dead sister's living room. But she asked, and I couldn't lie to her. "My mom's death screwed me up worse than I already was. I didn't...handle it well. I didn't handle anything well. I saw the disappointment in your eyes every time I let you down, and I couldn't handle that."
"So it was my fault." Her lips were a thin line as she looked away.
I caught her chin in my hand, turning her face back to mine. "No," I said firmly. "It was my fault. I was stupid. Instead of letting you in, I shut you out. I told myself it was better for you, that you'd be happier if I wasn't disappointing you. I thought you deserved better than what I had to give... you were going places, Everly. I couldn't stand in your way."
"You wouldn't have," she argued, her eyes flashing.
"I would have," I countered, raising my brow. "Would you have left for the tour if I had...stayed?"
Everly's face paled and she didn't reply.
"I wasn't ready then, but I'm ready now," I added, my voice vulnerable as my eyes searched hers out, willing her to understand. I just prayed it wasn't too late.
"What makes you ready now?" Everly demanded, refusing to accept what I was telling her. I sighed, almost wanting to chuckle at her defiance. She was desperately fighting against me, against giving in to me. I couldn't blame her.
I paused, taking time to think about my answer while my eyes hungrily lapped up Everly's face. I cupped her face with my hand, needing to touch her. "I've denied myself happiness long enough, and you're it for me. You're my happiness."
She closed her eyes and leaned into my hand. Thick tears escaped from under her long lashes and ran down her cheek to fall into my palm.
"You broke me, Grayson," she said, admitting the truth I'd always known. Her eyes remained closed against the painful memory.
"I broke myself too," I assured her, the emotion making my voice break. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I still hoped..."
"There's nothing to forgive, Grayson." She sighed, cutting me off. Everly opened her eyes, watching me warily as she stood up. She folded her arms across her chest. "I'm over it."
I stood too, a reluctant smile teasing the corner of my lips. I knew when Everly was lying, and she was lying now. "Are you with him?"
"With who?" Everly frowned, her expression changing to one of confusion. "Kyle?" I nodded, my heart in my throat. I tried to prepare myself for the answer. "No, and we've never been together..." She hesitated and looked away from my face again. "It's only been you."
***
I remained with Everly for the rest of the day, helping her slowly pack away the living room and kitchen, watching her while she watched me out of the corner of her eye. The sexual strain between us was heavy; even the air pulsed with it. I was overly aware of every soft breath as she exhaled.
"I'll do the bedrooms later," Everly said, darting in front of me to prevent me from going down the hallway. "I should get home now. Thanks for your help."
She was dismissing me, or trying to. Her eyelids fluttered against her cheeks in response to the heated look I gave her. She was standing too close to me. Her fragrance invaded my senses. Everly smelled like she always had...like creamy lemon and jasmine. It was just as enchanting to me as it had always been. My stomach rolled with a desperate desire. The arousal was just as apparent in her pale green eyes. I swallowed hard, knowing I was seconds away from losing control.
Everly licked her lips quickly, drawing the bottom one in with her teeth. The action maddened me, and took away the last of my self-control. She exhaled as I brought my lips to hers. I kissed her, hoping to convey the depth of my feelings, the depth of my regret and apology. It was the surest way to express it all; the language of our bodies, hearts and souls.
She lost herself again, forgetting to put her guard up as she matched my desperate kiss with a searing one of her own. Her hands came up to my chest, gripping my shirt in her hands. I reacted by pushing her against the wall with my hips, the evidence of my arousal pressing into her lower stomach. Five years of denying myself of her touch, five years of basically starving for it. Nothing could fill the void that leaving her had left in me. No amount of one-night stands, no amount of whiskey could erase the taste of her from my lips.
Everly fit against me in a way that nobody ever had or ever would again. Her head fell back against the wall, and I dropped my lips to her neck, sucking and biting gently. With our bodies dancing in the familiar tango of passion and need, she spoke clearly, arching her hips toward me in welcome. I felt the years melt away between us; I tasted the underlying ache of abandonment and heartbreak. I wanted to mend it with my body, show her just how much I needed her.
She moaned, opening her eyes again for the first time since our lips met.
Everly shoved on me abruptly, pushing me away from her. Her breasts rose and fell with each frantic breath she took. I could see her nipples through the thin material of her shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra, and my hard dick twitched at the realization.
"We can't," she said breathlessly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She avoided meeting my eyes. I knew why—she'd always been powerless against the spell of them.
Everly was harder to read, but not impossible. She'd learned how to mask her emotions better, and it was more of a challenge to tell what she was feeling simply by looking at her face...but I could still read her body with ease. She was tossing up her guard, frantically trying to keep me on the other side of her walls, but she wanted me. That meant there was hope. I was used to walls—I was the king of walls. I could smash through hers if it meant making her mine again. I was certain of it.
"Can I see you tomorrow?" I ignored her protest, knowing she didn't mean it. An impish smile teased my lips upward. She glanced behind her, toward the bedrooms down the hall and bit her lip. The action did nothing to calm my primal urges. My hardened cock strained painfully against my jeans. I rubbed up against her, my hand catching a strand of her hair. It felt like silk between my fingers.
"I don't know." She sighed. "I have a lot I need to do before..." She frowned.
"Are you leaving again?" I asked, the dread settling heavily in my stomach.
"I'm supposed to go on tour in two months. Our shows are all sold out and the fans...and the label...won't be pleased if we cancel it. It'll go against our contract." She sounded uncertain, though.
I nodded, understanding that. "What about the girl?"
Everly jumped like I'd electrocuted her, her eyes snapping back up to mine. "What about her?"
"What happens to her now that Julia..." I tried to word my question sensitively enough that I wouldn't set Everly off. "Will she be going with you?"
"I don't know," Everly said carefully, her eyes guarded. "My parents are here. Her school is here. Her friends are here. I don't want to bring her away from the comfort of home and tossed into...that lifestyle. Especially not after she lost..." Everly trailed off, unable to say her sister's name.
"Makes sense," I said, my eyes dropping to her lips again. I couldn't help myself. I drew in a shaky breath, beyond affected by her. It was vexing; I didn't react this way to people—to anything, really. Except for her. I'd always reacted that way to her.
Everly had been the only person who ever made me feel. Everything was brighter, illuminated by her beauty and the only real thing that I'd ever felt—my love for her, my desire for her. "So we have time then."
"For what?"
"To make up for five years of missing you," I told her, my voice husky with emotion.
Chapter Seven
Everly
MY BODY TREMBLED and my heart fluttered in my chest at his words, at th
e way he was looking at me, setting my skin on fire. I closed my eyes, counting to ten in my head and trying to calm my racing heart.
"Grayson," I whispered, my eyes still closed, my heart twisting and squeezing painfully.
"Do you want me, Everly?" he asked, pressing his hard length against my body. My stomach clenched with desire and anticipation. I swallowed hard, my silence the only answer I could give.
It wasn't a matter of wanting or not wanting Grayson. It was the fact that he'd shattered me completely, and my life was beyond changed by what we had. There was also the painful thought that he would never forgive me once he found out what I'd done. I knew how much he hated and resented his mother for abandoning him in heartbreak. I could only imagine what he would say about me.
The tears built behind my closed lids, and I desperately tried not to show them. I didn't need him pressing on the open wounds, trying to help but really just making it worse because the past could never be forgotten. I could never forget the hell I went through after he left, or undo my decision to leave for the tour anyway...leaving my daughter. Our daughter, the one he didn't even know he had.
"Tell me there's not a chance in hell you want to give this a try, and I'll walk away, Everly. I swear I will. If you're happy with your life...if you've moved on, I won't bother you. I just need to know before I give you up completely." Grayson looked frenzied, the desperation in his ice blue eyes piercing into me.
My heart tore further at the thought of Grayson walking away again. I let out a strangled cry that I quickly silenced by biting down on my tongue.
"This isn't just about us," I tried to argue, my voice shaking.
"What are you talking about?" Grayson demanded. "Of course it's about us. It's always been about us. About you and me."
"You've always seen me as this angel that deserves so much more than what you can give," I told him, shaking my head while the fresh tears finally escaped. I was so goddamn tired of crying all the time. "What if that isn't true, Grayson? What if I'm not the perfect person you thought I was?"
"I don't care." Grayson's voice was sincere, and his eyes were determined. He attempted to brush away my tears with his thumbs. "You couldn't be more perfect to me. Every flaw you may have is still perfect."
"No," I said earnestly, shaking my head again. I turned away from him, my chest heaving. I ran my hands through my hair, brushing it out of my eyes. Tell him. Tell him now, the voice in my head demanded. I turned back to face him again. "Grayson...I tried to find you."
He winced in response to my words, like he had suspected it to be true but hoped it wasn't. "I'm sorry. I'll spend forever proving it to you."
"You're not listening," I said, my expression grim. "This isn't me making you feel guilty for leaving, Grayson. You did what you had to do, and yeah...that sucked. And yeah, I don't know how I would come back from it...how we would if we were to try. But I'm trying to tell you something here."
"What are you trying to tell me?" Grayson asked warily. He was finally picking up on my keyed up mood. I didn't say anything. I turned around and headed down the hallway, towards the closed door with the Cadence nameplate on it. I opened the door, entering her bedroom. I hadn't started packing anything yet; I'd been focused on getting the main rooms packed away and trying to chase down that damn cat.
Cadence's bedroom at Julia's house had an abundance of stuffed animals and dolls. She had a pink bedspread with matching pink curtains. Her furniture was light, similar to mine at home. She had an easel in the corner, with an abandoned crayon masterpiece.
Grayson followed me into Cadence's bedroom cautiously, keeping his eyes on me. I stopped in front of the white dresser, picking up the framed photo that sat on top.
The photo was of Cadence and me. Julia had snapped it when they'd visited me for Thanksgiving. We had been lounging by the pool, and Cadence's hair was damp from the water. Her eyes sparkled with happiness as I'd held her in my arms. I wordlessly handed the photo to Grayson.
He took it, his eyes lingering on my face for a moment before he looked down at the photo. I heard the sharp intake of breath as he studied the photo. I knew what he was seeing. The ice blue eyes, the same shape and color as his own. Cadence had inherited his eyes, his hair, my father's olive complexion and my lips.
Grayson looked up at me, a conflicted expression on his face.
"Do you get it now?" I asked, my eyes hardening. I wanted to protect my heart from the fallout, but I knew I couldn't. His mouth opened and closed while he looked from me to the picture. One hand shot up, tugging at the roots of his thick hair, a habit Grayson always had when he was overcome with complicated emotions.
I could see the questions on his face.
"I couldn't find you, I tried to...but nobody knew where you were. I sent you messages on MSN and your cell phone. You never saw them?"
Grayson shook his head mutely, words still escaping him for several long minutes. He was wounded. "I've been back for two years. I live in the same goddamn town as...as they did. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I was never back, Grayson!" I shouted. "I couldn't come back here. I didn't think you were here, and even if you were, what could I say to you?"
"How about 'hey, you have a fucking kid'?" Grayson supplied, his eyes narrowing.
I folded my arms across my chest. His words physically hurt. "I tried to find you, Grayson. You wanted off the grid, you got off the grid," I told him, my own eyes narrowing at him in return. We stood across from each other, posed for a fight; old wounds resurfacing, new wounds being inflicted.
"Why did you..." Grayson’s jaw clenched as he repressed the remaining words.
"Leave her? Because I had to, Grayson. I found out about...the pregnancy after I'd signed the contract. The guys and I were already in the studio recording, the tour was already booked. It was either bail out on the band, or go through with it."
"So the band was more important than our kid?" Grayson shot out hotly, his words slapping me across the face.
"You have no right," I said, my voice dangerously low. "I had to choose the best future for her. I had no other prospects. How was I supposed to afford her formula? Her clothes? You were gone, I couldn't find you and I had no intention of dumping more responsibility and commitment on your shoulders when you couldn’t even handle a high school relationship. My sister...she refused to let me bail out on the band."
"So the entire town thinks that Cadence is Julia's?" He had a right to ask, I knew it. But his questions, as he attempted to dissect everything he'd missed, made me bristle.
I smiled sadly. "I really don't know what the entire town thinks, and frankly, I don't care. I just didn't want to chance someone trying to get a picture of Cadence for some sleazy tabloid. I couldn't have her getting hurt. Grayson, I never abandoned her. She was never off my mind. I just wanted to secure a bright future for her...since I didn't know..." I choked on my own words.
Grayson eyed me warily for a moment. Then he sighed, approaching me with the frame still clenched in his hand. He used his free hand to tip my chin up.
"I told you I wasn't the angel you thought I was," I told him defiantly.
He watched me, his eyes flickering with icy flames. The smirk that came to his lips at my jab took me by surprise. "Darling, you've never been an angel...except for that one night," he said suggestively.
I laughed without humor, rolling my eyes. The heavy weight that I'd been carrying on my shoulders for years lessened considerably after telling Grayson the truth, but the uncertainty for the future still kicked around.
The mood shifted as he looked down at the photo again. He dropped his hand from my face, touching the glass of the frame. His brow was furrowed and his lips were drawn down in a slight frown. He stared at the photo while he sank down to sit on Cadence's neatly made bed.
"How old is she?" he asked, his eyes still fixed to the photo.
"She's four. She was born July twenty-ninth." I could see Grayson doing the math in his head. "I got pregn
ant sometime in November."
He swallowed hard, closing his eyes and drawing in a deep breath. He opened them again, looking down at the photo with an unreadable expression on his face.
"Motherhood isn't a role you can just drop and pick up as you choose." Grayson's words were hard, but his tone was gentle, given the circumstances.
"It wasn't like that." I shook my head, trying to ignore the hurt that stabbed at my beaten heart. "Cadence knows that she came from me, she knows I am her mother, but she called Julia Mommy because that's what Julia was to her—more than I was." The words stung coming out. The truth really did hurt.
"What does this mean...for her?" he asked, looking back up at me.
"I’ll do whatever I need to do to keep her safe. I’ll be wherever I need to be for that. I’m in the process of getting out of the tour…of breaking the news to the label company, the guys and the fans,” I answered. I’d already called and spoken with my lawyers. I’d already gotten the ball rolling on that because I knew that my agent would give me a terrible time about it. The prospect of bowing out now still terrified me, but less so than leaving Cadence.
I'd almost lost my daughter the night that my sister died. Had Cadence's car seat been behind the driver’s seat, I would have lost her when Julia's car was t-boned at an intersection. I hadn't lost her, and I was so thankful for that. I didn't intend to let her out of my reach again.
"Where does that leave me?" The vulnerability in Grayson's voice nearly broke me again.
"Where do you want to be?" I asked, my heart pounding frantically in my chest as I awaited his answer.
Grayson looked slowly at the photo again. "If I haven't made that abundantly clear by now, I guess I still suck at expressing my emotions," he said dryly, his eyes catching mine. "I meant everything I said before."
"Even knowing this?"
Grayson stood up at my question, his eyes intense enough to burn through the weak shield I was trying to throw around myself. "Everly, we both fucked up...a lot. And it was my fuck ups that started it all," Grayson said darkly as he made an attempt to hand the photo back to me.
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